The new parents next door

[Littleblackdress04]

I might have forgotten (or blocked out) what it’s like having a new baby but the poor thing screams day and night- and it’s waking me up most nights as I can hear it through the walls (new build houses)
Anyway, at the weekend baby was screaming so we put on glastonbury on TV partly to drown out the noise- not super loud or anything at about 6pm Saturday afternoon.

They were straight round after 10 mins asking us to turn it down as it was upsetting the (constantly screaming) baby. We did turn it down a bit but it honestly wasn’t at rave levels or anything! Bit of Foo Fighters so maybe a bit of bass.

Aibu to feel a bit pissed off? It was 6pm on a Saturday & honestly I don’t want to have to listen to the baby ALL the time. We have to live our life too in our house!

I don’t want to cause a neighbourly dispute and I am sympathetic to their lack of sleep but surely baby also has to get used to a bit of real life. And sure enough, I was woken up again at 3,4,5am with constant crying.

Aarrggh!

Op you did nothing wrong. It’s your house and you are entitled to listen to music. It wasn’t even late. Some parents of newborns think the world revolves around them and their baby. If the baby cries that much I doubt your music made any difference. Consideration goes both ways and they should apologise to you for the noise. I know they can’t help it but a little acknowledgement that it may impact you and cause disruption to your family at this difficult time would be nice.

OP

You are totally in the right and anyone who suggests otherwise is someone I'd hate to live next door to.

Music at 6pm is fine.

If I was them I'd be v grateful you'd been so good about the racket so far.

Just go on as if they hadn’t come around. Normal level family ‘noise’ during the 7am-10pm day. Chalk their visit up as though from people without in-tact mental faculties (which is what practically everyone is at newborn stage, PFB). It’s possible they had no idea that it was 6pm, or a Saturday

If/when they come around again with a noise complaint, you’ll no doubt be better prepared with a gentle-but-firm, assertive response. This situation calls for what’s known as the ‘sh*t sandwich’ approach, I think.

‘Debbie, we feel for you. These last 8 weeks have certainly reminded us of those crazy sleep-deprived newborn days with our two. It is hard when they’re crying all the time, hard on everyone.

Thing is, we need to get on with our family life, too. We’ve got intense home-schooling going on xx hours a day, and limited play options for two wriggly kids the rest of the time. DH & I are working xx hours a day from home. Sometimes, you’ll no-doubt hear our family life through the walls too. Music, squealing board games, tv, zoom meetings and probably some squabbling too! We’ll try and keep the noise coming through the walls from our side to a dull roar after xx and before xx time, as always.

Now, if we can pick up a few bits for you or take in a delivery while you catch up on sleep feel free to ask. Remember that crying babies and Covid lockdown won’t last forever- we’ll all survive I’m sure. Good luck for tonight, we’re all ‘fingers crossed’ over here!’

Or something like that. Make your point, and outline your needs clearly. With a smiley, sympathetic tone. Then email it to them, cos their retention of your information will likely be near zero!

[quote Littleblackdress04]@DestinationFkd I HAVE BEEN UNDERSTANDING! I haven’t said a word for 8 weeks while my family tried to work and school with a baby screaming the house down.

And no, I don’t have a fucking woofer on my TV. We are a normal family doing normal family stuff.[/quote]
I had a neighbour who was very taken aback when she complained about music (not loud, or late) from my house, when I pointed out that I had endured noise from her house including all night music, when she lived alone, and then, in later times, her screaming kids.
And I mean, screaming. At all hours.

YANBU.

We now have lovely neighbours who insist on giving us a pressie at Christmas, because we must hear their kids. Well, yes, we do, but it's only normal noise. And we tell them there's no need whatsoever to be apologetic or giving presents.

I think the people who don't understand how noise travels haven't lived in the places we have. We can hear the neighbors tv all the time. We can hear the guy next door cough and roll over in bed. Some houses are terrible for noise travelling.

I would be sympathetic to them but I would also expect to be able to live my life, which includes having music on at 6pm. Only you can know how loud it was but unfortunately they cannot expect the world to stop. We had a neighbor that was constantly screaming at people for waking her baby during the day. People might be mowing their lawn, chatting in the garden or just walking past the house on their phone. She was broken by a non sleeping baby, but people need to live their lives too.

I'm not sure I could bring myself to be irritated by a screaming baby next door. I think I would I initially find it very off putting but I think it wouldn't take me long to realise that they must be having a much worse time of it than I could possibly be. As an aside though, do you have concerns that they are somehow causing the crying with their treatment towards the baby? It's very unlikely but I thought it was a question worth asking.

Sorry if I've missed this in your posts but is your house owned or rented? Is this your 'forever home'? Is it going to be important to have a good relationship with those neighbours for years to come is what I'm getting at. This problem won't last forever and the parents will (hopefully) feel very grateful a few years down the line to have had such understanding neighbours.

You weren't BU by turning the TV on louder though. And as a PP mentioned it is odd and quite cheeky to suggest that the TV noise woke the baby, as you only turned it on to block out the crying so baby can't have been sleeping. I don't think you should feel bad if there's a next time, to explain to them politely why you turned the TV up in the first place, along with clarifying that it wasn't blasting, just high enough for you to focus on the TV. This situation would very much need to be a give and take. They're not to blame for their young baby's crying but as responsible parents I think they should accept reasonable noise disturbances, they can't stop the world from turning because they're struggling with a moody baby.

Excessive flack on the op.

YANBU op, you deserve some downtime, you only put music on at 6pm, not an allnighter, ffs.

I don’t see what the parents can do really. It’s not going to be a picnic for them either. And it won’t be for long. Few months at most.

When I had twins it was hell, always one crying, no sleep. And more times than I could count I’d just have got them both off to sleep and next door would put on music or hoover and I’d be back to square one. It was awful and with a side dose of pmt, almost something I couldn’t cope with. I’d err on the side of kindness.

I'm not sure I could bring myself to be irritated by a screaming baby next door.

^

Reet.

OP I understand where your coming from. I'm in a terrace and one side a neighbourbturns his tv up if he feels I'm being 'loud', I can hear his coughing, him scraping his di ner plates when eating, sometimes his conversations although not very clearly. Its made me so paranoid about how thin walls really are, on the other side my bathroom backs onto neighbours main bedroom....

I'm so paranoid I dont use the bathroom at night I go to downstairs toilet which happens to be by their lounge so when I'm in there I can hear them talking (again not close words) so now I go upstairs if I hear them in their lounge.

It's not a way to live always worrying if I'm making too much noise, what can they hear etc.

I was listening to a festival over the weekend and just wore headphones...but why should I...why should I have to adjust my life that much... ufff

Think they have a cheek to knock and ask you to turn tv down at 6 pm
On a saturday when there baby was already crying unless of course you had it totally blaring
New baby or not you can't dictate to your neighbours

@managedmis what on earth are you on about.

As a mother of 3 children I don't think you are being at all unreasonable and am surprised at so many people saying you are.

Of course they can't necessarily do much to stop the baby crying but not should they expect their neighbours to change their lifestyle to suit their baby.

My neighbours have barking dogs, use lawn mowers, angle grinders etc, play music. Even when it's frustrated me or woken my babies, it's never occurred to me to ask them to keep quiet. It's just the reality of living close to others.

Having said that, sleep deprivation, post natal hormones and anxiety mean they're probably not at their most logical right now so if there is a next time I would be honest but not rude.

If you turned the music on to drown out the baby's screaming then they have a nerve to ask you to turn it down. YANBU at all.

I'm not sure I could bring myself to be irritated by a screaming baby next door. I mean, it wouldn't really be on a list of sounds I'd choose to hear for long periods of time. I'm sure most people's response would be to be at least mildly irritated by it, but not actually complain to the parents as they accept it's not really something they have much control over with a newborn. Maybe they'd have an anonomous vent online or to friends who don't know the neighbours. So basically what the OP has done.

Coming round and complaining about a neighbour listening to music in their own home during the day is massively entitled on their part. Yes, it may be due to exhaustion, so fair enough to let it go the first time it happens. If it happens again the OP would be quite right to point out that noise disturbance works both ways.

I’m not sure if either of you were unreasonable but it sounds shit for both of you. I’ve been in new builds where you can be sat downstairs and hear next door use the toilet upstairs! It’s like being in the same room, so I feel for you both.
However I would think less about who is right/wrong in this situation, and more about what you want the outcome to be (a long term amiable relationship?)

You say you have 2 kids too - if noise travels as much as you claim can you really be sure that your neighbours don’t even hear your children? Unless they’re perfect children who never make a noise.

They're taking the piss

Frankly, if they'd turned up and pulled that stroke on me, I would've said the reason we've turned it up as we've had hours of noise nuisance from your baby thrust on you.

There's no excuse for it, if one of mine used to cry incessantly, I would put them in the car or pram and take them for a wander to settle them and so as to avoid being a nuisance.
If it constantly cries, it sounds like they're doing naff all to find out why and no doubt are the "cry it out" brigade. I would be chatting to their health visitor personally, there's no reason for a baby to cry all day and night

Ok. Let’s try some empathy here. New parents, baby screaming all the time, total upheaval of your world, hormones, possible feeding struggles, possible birth trauma to deal with and if not trauma then sometimes there’s still time needed to process the birth and recover.
Yes, you have a right to your life in your own home but just because you have a right it doesn’t mean you have to exercise it. How about show some compassion and a little self sacrifice? How about you ask if there’s anything they need? How about you take them some food around and say you know how difficult adjusting to life with a newborn is so you thought a night off from cooking would be good for them?
It’s temporary and probably one-off surely you can try to look at somebody else’s situation and see it from their point of view.
It’s not always about you and your rights...

@Alexkate2468 I watched a bit of music on TV once in 8 weeks on a Saturday afternoon - it’s hardly like I have exercised my rights and played techno at 1am every night

I can see both sides but as a mam of a young baby myself who screamed A LOT when he was first born, it really is so stressful and we did everything we could think of to get him to settle. I was really aware of our neighbours and if they could hear so we used to take him out in the car, at midnight if neccessary. The neighbours said they couldn't hear anything but probably being polite.

You're entitled to live your life and I understand it's hard hearing a screaming baby but as the parent who can't settle their child it's so upsetting. He's teething now so it feels like it's starting all over again.

I would say however, it extremely possible that 6pm is not the afternoon for the family in the same way it is for you, it could actually be the babies bedtime and I wouldn't appreciate loud music when I'm trying to put him to bed. It would be in everyone's best interest that he could settle to sleep! Obv in your case the baby is screaming but they could still be trying to get him to sleep

There are a LOT of posters in here who are hard of reading.
To all those saying ‘Well, what do you want them to do about it?’ OP isn’t asking them to do a goddamn thing about their screaming baby. All she would be -theoretically - asking is that they wind their necks in and remind them she’s allowed to listen to music at a reasonable level at a reasonable time.
No one is saying it’s not difficult with a newborn that screams constantly - though it’s interesting that everyone’s piled on the OP about how tired the parents must be. If they can hear everything, don’t you think the OP and her family are probably also stressed with the constant screaming? And yet, they haven’t said a word.
OP - YANBU

Blaring Foo Fighters to drown out a baby crying doesnt sound like playing a bit of music. Foo Fighters isnt quite the same as leonard cohen and can only assume it was very loud. I feel sorry the parents as it sounds like there may be something wrong with the new baby, maybe he damaged his hip during birth as to scream that much is unusual for a new baby as they usually sleep alot.

OP, it’s you who talked about your rights.
Yes, it was a little bit of TV in an afternoon and not techno at 1am but that still doesn’t mean you can’t just let it go as a one off.

I lived in a new build houseshare a few years ago, you could hear the next door neighbour sneezing, coughing and even putting cups on their coffee table the walls were so thin. In most new builds a tv at normal volume is audible, it wouldn’t have to be at all loud for neighbours to hear.

No, a baby may not have a volume button, but a baby living next door should have zero impact on a neighbours use of the tv etc.