Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

316 replies

Dogsaremyfavorite · 29/06/2020 18:39

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

OP posts:
HannaYeah · 29/06/2020 23:00

@BrimfulOfBaba

Call her. She should be very more gracious with her timekeeping. And you should have been gracious enough to try and smooth over things and get her settled in. It's a bit strange that you put so much effort into an elaborate meal and then made her feel so unwelcome.

And it's not fair to assume just because someone has a dog they can't be scared of all dogs.

I would never dream of turning up to someone's house empty handed even if that made me late but I accept that's a difference of opinion. And she was rudely late. She should have apologised but you made her feel unwelcome. More unwelcome than a dog.

I agree with what you are saying and yet, I don’t think one needs or even should bring four packets of groceries with 3 different kinds of beverages! To bring so much after being told not to bring food is almost implying that suggesting that you don’t think the person will have enough for you there.

Also, some posters seem to think OP could have guessed that her friend was going to be afraid of this particular dog. After all she wrote

  1. she’s always had a medium sized dog
  2. her friend had a dog
  3. she told her friend she wanted her to meet her new dog and friend didn’t balk.
DrManhattan · 29/06/2020 23:05

Takes 30 seconds to send a text. Shes a nob. Dont apologise

IdblowJonSnow · 29/06/2020 23:08

I think you both behaved less than admirably!
Let the dust settle, she may unblock you or contact you in the next few days.
I'd leave it for now.

Jeremyironsnothing · 29/06/2020 23:16

Hold out the olive branch and maybe you can both move on and eventually laugh about it all.

LynetteScavo · 29/06/2020 23:21

She was late, and then nervous if the dog but she worked around that by going to the back door. You then told her off for being late and said lunch was ruined and she shouldn't have brought groceries (a gift!). Then when she suggested leaving you snapped at her that she should.

Oh dear, you really weren't welcoming. She was wrong to be so late, but you were the host. I really don't see any way back from this, sorry.

You may as well have just told her to piss off when you saw her walking up the path.

Apart from giving her a lovely bouquet of flowers with a grovelling apology, which might win her round , I think you can write the friendship off.

Itsme3 · 29/06/2020 23:37

You shouldn’t be seeing her anyway, she should of isolated, so guess what? HA UNLUCKY

DamnYankee · 29/06/2020 23:40

You turn up to somebody’s house 30 mins after the time they tell you.

^ What? And I'm always "bang on" time. Never thought that was rude. I respect people's time, particularly if they are providing a professional service or making me food!

Realitea · 29/06/2020 23:55

You can’t enter people’s homes at the moment. She should’ve isolated for 14 days before going anywhere.
People being late and not apologising are just damn rude

Coyoacan · 30/06/2020 00:45

I think it depends on your friend's culture and the culture of the country of the country you are living in.

I live in Mexico and everyone arrives late to everything. In some countries if you say three o'clock that means the latest that someone can arrive, whereas in other countries, that would be the earliest someone would arrive.

I have perfectly harmless cats, but if someone is visiting doesn't like cats, I will lock them away. But you are even scared of your dog, OP.

HoppingPavlova · 30/06/2020 00:54

Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend

This stood out. You have a bigger problem than your friend and need to fix this pronto. Your dog should not snap for any reason let alone being put in a room when people are over. This is not good. I like dogs and have had many but would be pretty hesitant to be in a household with a dog running about who could snap in such circumstances.

Wearywithteens · 30/06/2020 00:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GarlicMcAtackney · 30/06/2020 00:57

She sounds deranged. Finally grace people with your presence an hour after you were meant to, act a dick and then delete the host on FB? Pathetic. Ah well, no loss for you, OP. Enjoy the food she wasted :)

Jengnr · 30/06/2020 01:00

She turns up late with armfuls of unwanted stuff and makes a fuss about a cocker spaniel then storms off in a huff and people are blaming OP?

I’ve seen some really strange responses to threads on here tonight where people are having a go at OPs for absolutely nothing. Crackers!

Impatiens · 30/06/2020 01:08

And it's not fair to assume just because someone has a dog they can't be scared of all dogs.

I think it's perfectly fair to expect someone who has a dog to behave sensibly around other dogs.

notangelinajolie · 30/06/2020 01:34

Too much drama from you OP.
She was late because she went the shops. You know this because she called and told you she was 10 minutes away and then when she arrived she had bags of groceries. You don't need a degree in rocket science to work this out.

She was your guest and said she was uncomfortable with your dog and you didn't do anything about it - instead you chose to go for the 'what about me' tactic.
Your friend had travelled to see you and stopped by the shops on the way and all you could do was shove over cooked food in her face.
You were not a good host.
You are most definitely being unreasonable.
You should apologise.

0DimSumMum0 · 30/06/2020 02:09

To be honest you say she is a good friend and that after 6 months you were excited to see her but it really doesn't seem like it. If so you would have made an exception to her being late, which yes was rude, but obviously it is not done on a regular basis as she is not in the country.

You should have prepared something for lunch that didn't need cooking or was easy to reheat and even though you didn't need groceries you should have accepted them with grace as it sounds like she went to a lot of trouble to get them. Honestly I would have still brought something too even though you said no as it's only manners. How do you know some of the items were not gifts? You've been totally unfair and if you were my friend I would have blocked you too.

teaflake · 30/06/2020 02:12

She was spectacularly rude, arriving so late.

I would wonder whether she intended your lunch to be ruined and would have 'saved the day' with her groceries. If so, it backfired and that's why you got the childish reaction.

Durgasarrow · 30/06/2020 02:21

You showed more care for your dog than you did for your friend. Humans should come first.

TheresABearInThere · 30/06/2020 02:23

You were both melodramatic and a bit batshit.

Yeahnahmum · 30/06/2020 02:28

She was super rude. And weird.

You both were petty.

But the fact she straight away removed you from instagram and Facebook straight away? Is your friend 12?

Euclid · 30/06/2020 02:41

OP if you are in England she should not have been coming to your house. When I checked on this point at the weekend I saw that it is a criminal offence to have somebody in your house unless it is an adult living alone with whom you have formed a "bubble". The living alone person can form a bubble with only one household.
If you are in England the meeting at your house should never have happened.
Wherever you are you are both unreasonable

LovePoppy · 30/06/2020 03:17

Did you even give her a chance to apologise? Or did you just get angry and call her out?

famousforwrongreason · 30/06/2020 03:49

You sound horrible tbf. She was late because she didn't want to turn up empty handed and was obviously trying to put in a special effort too. She didn't lie, she just took longer than she thought she would.
To be angry with her and to complain that she brought food is just weird, unless you'd specifically said you need her gone by a particular time.
And your dog story doesn't make any sense. She refused to come in because you wouldn't lock it away but your husband took the dog out and then you're no longer friends?
And what on earth did you cook that had to be eaten immediately or would be ruined?
You said you were leaving the last ten minutes of cooking until she arrived but you also said that the food was ruined by the time she arrived. Surely if you were waiting for her to arrive to finish cooking then it should be spot on?
Anyway, you sound bloody exhausting. Hope she's had a better homecoming elsewhere.

famousforwrongreason · 30/06/2020 04:01

Also you said you didn't know what was in the bags as you 'didn't get far enough to unpack then' then later on you describe several items that were in the bag.
A most bizarre story.

stayathomer · 30/06/2020 04:01

OP if you are in England she should not have been coming to your house.
OP isnt in the UK.