Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

I don’t know why some are so focused on what time the food was being served.

I think it’s lovely to have everything mostly ready when someone arrives so you can focus on yours guest when they get there.

Plenty of food is delicious 30 minutes after it’s finished but starts going down hill from there.

Friend said she was ten minutes away, OP finished the food. Doesn’t mean it had to be eaten the moment that friend walked in the door.

I don’t think friend is malicious, but I do think she is completely thoughtless and inconsiderate of OP’s time. If you tell a caring person you will be there in ten minutes, then 5 minutes later they are basically at the door, anticipating your arrival and not able to do much else until you arrive. I’m not going to go sit in the garden with a book, call my Mom or pop to the store if someone says they are ten minutes away. If they say an hour I could easily do all of those things!

I don’t know why some are so focused on what time the food was being served.

It is strange to arrive and immediately sit down to eat unless you are strapped for time at a work lunch. Most surely would have a chat, a pre lunch drink, even a cup of tea? In this case even if the guest had arrived on time, food was timed for her arrival time. This happens in schools, very quiet restaurants, bus tour food stops etc where fast food is a requirement, but not in people’s homes.

If your friend has only just returned to the country I can understand the lateness. Pre Covid thinking oh I‘ll leave 20 minutes early and pop into the shop and get some drinks and nibbles to take turns into having to queue for 40 minutes to get into the shop and another 45 minutes following all the one way signs on the floor. You said your friend is normally punctual so I would assume it was something like that rather then being deliberately late.
If I was going to a friends who was making burgers and salad I would take things like chips and dips, cans of cider and watermelon too.
You know your dog and you say she was just barking but had a wagging tail and was being friendly. If I hadn’t met a dog and it came to the door barking I would be hesitant and I love dogs.
Personally I would text and apologise for the way you reacted. Your friend might then apologise for her reaction and her lateness and you can move on.

Goodness that’s a coincidence

Both of these friends have just returned to the country!

Same friend you have started a thread on in space of 3 weeks saying you’re irritated by them

@Sittingontheveranda

I don’t know why some are so focused on what time the food was being served.

It is strange to arrive and immediately sit down to eat unless you are strapped for time at a work lunch. Most surely would have a chat, a pre lunch drink, even a cup of tea? In this case even if the guest had arrived on time, food was timed for her arrival time. This happens in schools, very quiet restaurants, bus tour food stops etc where fast food is a requirement, but not in people’s homes.

Maybe, but who said they were going to sit down immediately? In fact, we don’t know that OP is not working, how long they planned the visit to last, if the woman said she had to leave at a certain time or if she is diabetic! No indication of what time exactly she expected to put the food on the table at all. We only know that she had planned to finish it right upon the woman’s arrival so she could focus on her instead of cooking.

Plenty of dishes can sit 30 minutes after completion without being ruined but any longer and they become less appealing as more time passes.

It seems like AIBU responders often grab on to insignificant point (or a fact not in evidence) to use against the OP to prove the OP was in the wrong.

Not read the entire thread but... I'd say you're both in the wrong a bit.

Friends are often late. It's annoying AF but it's life. I wouldn't expect to be moaned at by a mate about it though. Perhaps a little joke but nothing more - I'd feel a bit like my friend was being a teacher/parent if they did and honestly wouldn't really be up for having a friendly chat and laugh after that as the mood would be soured. Also, I don't see why you got angry that she got extra shopping? I know you said she didn't need to, but usually this is just a curtesy thing - I always turn up with a little cake or some snacks just to be a polite guest. Most friends do the same too.

The dog thing is a bit weird, if she has her own dog. But I must admit I do get annoyed/nervous by going into people's homes with yappy dogs or dogs that jump and get excited. I've not been around dogs so for me I find it annoying. I was terrified as a kid but I've grown up and don't get scared now - it's just annyoing.

OP, it sounds like you’ve taken the comments on board but I just wanted to add that being a good host means being a bit more laid-back and thinking primarily about the comfort of your guests. That means leaving a bit of lee-way for arrival time, leaving time to allow them to sit down, get a drink, go to the loo, catch up etc. before eating, shutting away any dogs unless you know the guest loves your particular dog.

Honestly I would feel quite stressed being a guest at your house because of your rigid approach. I agree it was rude of her to be so late without texting you to say, however if you really like her and haven’t seen her for ages, wasn’t it worth putting that annoyance aside at least until you’d given her a warm welcome, and then you could have brought it up in a more jokey way later if you still felt the need to? Also, her lateness wouldn’t really have been a problem if it hadn’t been for your strict timetable. Who bbqs burgers before their guests even arrive?! Very inflexible and strange timing.

Anyway, in your position I would text to say you’re sorry things ended so badly - you had been really looking forward to seeing her and were anxious to make the perfect meal and that caused you to feel stressed and bad tempered when she was late, but you know you shouldn’t have taken it out on her. She will then hopefully apologise for being late and you can rearrange for another time. Ignore the groceries thing - many people feel very uncomfortable about turning up empty handed so in future I’d say something like “I’ll make sure lunch is fully catered for but if you’d like to bring a bottle of wine, that would be lovely”.

Good luck OP, I hope you guys make things up.

You are a very ungracious host op. But given that you came out with the 'I cant hide how I feel....etc' I'm not surprised. I'd guess that you frequently manage to hide how you feel when you want to, or need to in work for example. In this case you clearly wanted to let your friend know how annoyed you were. Your choice.

Very rude to take no account of how a guest feels about dog.

Yes friend should have let you know how late she'd be. Doesnt make you right tho.

Well I’m on your side, you wanted everything to be nice for your friend, she lied and said she was ten mins away and arrived so very late, why was that, she didn’t want to be near your dog , but has a dog of her own. I’d not bother contacting

You are both nuts! She sounds laxidazicle which is only annoying and not deserving of your overreaction. She brought groceries and you behaved massively ungrateful. As for being excited to see her, your reaction of biting her head off for being late comes across as you finding her visit an inconvenience. As for the dog, I have 2 large dogs so I put a barrier up so they can see visitors but not annoy them. All in all I think you were the worst behaved. If you were my friend I'd have been very upset by your passive aggressive remarks about spoiled food and lateness and lack of consideration over her fear of the dog given I'd just returned to the country after 6 months with lots to tell you.

I think this may be a case of different personalities.

Lateness rules vary from person to person, but I think they vary most when someone is visiting you at home for a "casual visit".

I think we can all agree that leaving someone waiting on their own in a cafe or restuarant is rude and unacceptable, but when you're popping round to someone's house and its lockdown (hence they are likely in all day) some people - myself included - would probably assume there's quite a bit of flexibility.

Now, you are totally right to be annoyed because you had put effort into lunch, and if she knew you were keeping lunch warm for her then again - unreasonable of her to be so much later.

However, if she wasn't aware of the lunch being ready (and therefore might have presumed you would start food when she got there) it could just be an honest mistake.

I think the real thing here is that you were silently fuming by the time she arrived, which is a real shame, because you probably overreacted to the dog thing. Then she must have felt really upset, maybe not knowing why you were so pissy.

It sounds recoverable.

Although this happened to me where I thought the timings were a loose arrangement and a friend went ballistic at me for being "late". I hadn't actually specified a time, and so I was livid at being criticised so heavily.

Needless to say that escalated so much that it was the end of a great friendship. I got the red mist in the end and said some stuff that was pretty irrevocable. Perhaps if I had had more empathy at the time I could have had a different outcome.

As you well know, unch wasn't really ruined as you claimed

She was late, that's annoying but people often get places later than they plan (I'm not saying this because I do it, I really don't, but I know enough about people not to expect them to run like clockwork)

You should've just focussed on the fact she had made the effort to go to your place, and yes, I'm a dog-lover, but you should've put the dog away

Sorry but I think you fucked up

She sounds laxidazicle

Lackadaisical?

I think the root of the problem is planning to get together the minute she was released from lockdown. She probably had a million things to get on with and was frazzled and not at her best. If you value her friendship I would message her to say you are sorry it all went wrong - you were excited to see her and upset when the lunch you were looking forward to went wrong.

Crikey my two friends put up with both my excited dogs (they havnt had anyone else to fuss them) and a needy cat when they visited for drinks in the garden. One was late but apologised as soon as she arrived. Tge one friend doesn't even like animals but knows they are special to me and that they are part of my home so accepts them. Thee lateness would have made me cross as well especially as she made no move to apologise. Not sure she is as nice a friend as you think. Up to you if you want to salvage the friendship but bet it will be you eating the (humble) pie 😕

Think your friend is being unreasonable. Arriving late when she told you she was 10 minutes away. Got a dog but scared of dogs. Some friend I’d ditch her fast. You really don’t need friends like that ....

I can understand why you got annoyed with her, that would annoy me too if a friend was an hour late and you've cooked lunch and with no apology.

I think because of this you both snapped at each other. She should have apologised, but regarding the dog maybe I would have just said come round the back and I wouldnt have let that get to me personally.

Also regarding the food she bought over u would just say thank you and wouldn't make a big fuss.

Maybe try and ring her or text in few days let things calm down. Try and say something like look let's move on and apologise.

Life is too short, she probably deleted you off them sites because she was just upset. Bit childish but people do things like that without thinking straight.

Hope you manage to sort it xx

Nothing but nothing you did was as bad as turning up over an hour late. That is beyond rude. I wouldn't even have answered the door to her and as for landing you with four bags of groceries you'd told her you didn't want, how self-centered and entitled can a person get? You're well rid of her. She sounds like the friend from hell.

Thanks for all the responses.

I’ve thought long and hard about this and I have decided to leave this as it is with my friend. I don’t believe I was the most gracious host but even if I had locked my dog away... it wouldn’t change the fact that she hates people being late but saw no wrong in being late knowing full well I had made lunch to how she wanted. Even if I was able to laugh it off this time, when people fail to see what they’ve done and acknowledge and apologize.... She was the one who said maybe she should leave and what was I to say?! No please don’t?! No if she wants to leave, then she must. She knew I had made lunch, spent time and money and was excited about it. I don’t think her bringing groceries was malicious but she was looking at properties in my area, said she was 10 min away, then drove 20 minutes out of town to get specific drinks which I already had and then drove back causing her to be substantially later than she lead me to expect so in the time that I’m waiting for her to arrive at my door any minute she is an hour away.

Anyway I’m done with this now... I’ve learnt some valuable lessons about hosting and dog etiquette... even though I’ve had dogs my whole life... I will take sone things on board.

I value people and respect them and their time. I want that to be mutual. So if in time she reaches out- I will hear her out and share some lessons I’ve learnt. Let’s see.

She was unreasonable about the dog - however, I used to be petrified of dogs so I can understand this. An hour is quite late, however, you are being a little unreasonable to expect her to be there at the exact time. I would have made something like a casserole that can be reheated or a buffet.

Give it 6 months and write a letter saying nice cooing things and see if you can arrange a meeting at a restaurant virus permitting - just forget the episode - its trivial , water under the bridge blah blah

It was lunch not a formal dinner, you should have done something easy like pre-cooked poached salmon and salad no cooking involved rather than stressing yourself out with timing food. The dog should have been put outside if you knew she didn’t like dogs. Obviously she was out of lockdown and bought stuff on the way, was rude to arrive late after the just 10 mins comment but she was your guest and you shouldn’t have lost your cool. Phone and sort it out it’s no big deal.

I can’t believe you’re just going to chuck a friendship away because of this. IMO, your friend WAS rude for being late and it would’ve annoyed me but I would’ve just hidden it and gotten on with the afternoon. If she was making a fuss re the dog, I’d have said ‘okay, come round the back and I’ll get DH to take him for a walk, get him out of our hair for a bit.’

It all just sounds like a right drama about..well not much in the grand scheme of things. But seeing as you pretty much chucked her out of your home and had a go at her, I really think you should apologise and put your point across if it will make you feel better.

All I can say is, the friendship can’t mean much to you if you’re willing to just let it go over this one incident.

I find some of the responses on this thread bonkers. Some people have taken things you’ve said, twisted it and just made shit up and others haven’t even bothered to RTFT before commenting.

OP, as far as I’m concerned your friend is rude as hell.

She knew you were cooking. She lied and told you she was 10 minutes away when she knew full well she was off to do a detour to pick up drinks. She could’ve easily told you she was doing this. Plus it would’ve given you the opportunity to tell her you already had those drinks in. Would’ve saved her an unnecessary journey. And she wouldn’t have been an hour late.

She knew you had a dog before she came. The dog didn’t bite her or snap at her (despite some posters making up a story that it did) it was wagging its tail and was friendly. She didn’t want to come in. Your DH took the dog out for a walk on her arrival (a repeated point some posters seem to have missed). She still threw a strop, despite the dog not being in the house any longer.

She brought food to your house after you’d already told her you were cooking and she’d selected what she wanted to eat. Rude.

After throwing a strop, she flounces off home and deletes you from Facebook and IG. I mean is she twelve? Immature and super childish.

She sounds like a dick.

Omg you actually sound unhinged and YABU
she wanted to contribute and bought groceries and you couldn't appreciate the effort.
Your dog sounds untrained and should have been put in another room!