Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

Why is the food and the groceries and the timing more important than the actual friendship?

I see threads on here with people saying I don’t know why I don’t have any friends and other posters stabbing in the dark as to why that might be.

But if those posters have demonstrated any level of that lack of compromise, I’m not surprised that friendships have fallen by the wayside.

I also suspect your dog might not have been as harmless seeming to her as you suggest - for someone who owns their own dog to be scared of someone else’s dog and insist they are shut up suggests your dog was really behaving intimidatingly or obnoxiously and needs some serious training.

She was late, yes, and managed your expectations badly, but you allowed your dog to intimidate a guest so much they didn’t want to come in your house. I know which is worse in my book.

And yes, I have a dog.

You both sound a bit highly strung.

she was rude to be an hour late, you're rude to presume everyone is comfortable with a dog barking/leaping at them - both as bad as each other imo

Did she have in the bag?

OP why don't you respond to peoples' questions about where you live and about the thread you started regarding friends? As mentioned by others, there are cultural differences in social etiquette which could influence opinions. I'm sorry but you both sound a little immature. There are far more things to get in such a state about (and I'm not actually referring to coronavirus situation). Are you getting any support managing your anxiety and depression? I really hope so.

Really? If this was a good friend surely it wouldnt bother you too much. You offer to heat the food up, she brought food too by the sounds of it.
Did she apologise for being late? why was she late?

You’re both at fault. Yes the lateness was bad, but you allowing your dog to scare her was much worse. Your dog sounds really out of control, she’s probably got a nice well-trained dog. And you were a bit controlling about the food.

YABU. I think you were very rude at having the food ready for as soon as your friend arrived. If I turned up at a friends house for what I thought would be a relaxing afternoon catching up I would feel very unwelcome if the food was already being served within moments of arriving.

I would feel like I was being rushed and you wanted me to leave fairly quickly. Not the main point of the thread I know but maybe be aware that this is how your hosting could appear to some people

Yes it's annoying but you massively over reacted. Reach out. Apologise.

"Our arrival time etiquette is different - yes 90 mins late for lunch is rude, but so is turning up bang on time. You turn up to somebody’s house 30mins after the time they tell you."

Turning up on time for an informal lunch & catch up with a friend is rude??

It sounds like she was already on thin ice and her behaviour was as bad as you already suspected it could be. This was why you were already tense.

In which case, why are you so bothered? Be grateful that you stood up to her and that you no longer have to bother with her again.

Honestly, own this and move on. Take control and don't play into the drama.

I think your friend was rude and had deliberately gone against what you'd requested. She was late and had a bad attitude.

I think you overreacted but were right to be upset with her.

I think I'd look for friends that are more agreeable.

OP...was your friend aware that the lunch was to served within minutes of her 10 min ETA call? Also, it doesn't sound like she brought groceries..as in to 'make' lunch & so offend .. sounds like post lunch nibbles/snacks to me. She was trying to be polite I think, rather than show up empty handed & you said was trying to find a particular bottle. I think it was a bad start by two easily irritated people...you due to lateness & maybe she, because your reception sounds like it was quite cool & also the drama around the dog. I feel sorry for her, she had travelled from whereever to visit, possibly got caught up somewhere in traffic /queues as she tried to grab a few nice bits to bring to you, was flustered because she was late (altho she most definitely should have apologised) & then sounds like she wasn't made feel welcome. I do think it was a bit much to have food ready to plate up within minutes of her arrival. I would have thought you'd wait to just pop it on for last half hr or whatever after she arrived & have a nice welcoming chat first. I would never say 'maybe I should leave' unless I felt the negative vibes bouncing off me & unwelcome. And you then told her she wasn't by your response. If she is your friend, you will fix this...you sent her away after all. I would be hugely upset were I her & cared about the friendship. Although, she'll likely be reconsidering your friendship herself.

I'd have probably been a bit more relaxed than this... it's annoying when someone is late and, yes, it's fussy to ask for the dog to be locked away...but I wonder what her side is, did she know lunch was for a fixed time etc.

You could have just heated food up, had a chat, and then if it bothered you that much maybe don't ask her over again?

You have a dog you can't take control of when he is excited in case he bites, so he just has to be left loose and indulged at that point to prevent him snapping? OMG.

Get your bloody dog trained, or out of the way before guests come.

So he is a large dog who you can’t lock away as you afraid he will snap again?

I like dogs, and even I wouldn’t want to be around a big one whose owner had no control. I’m not surprised she didn’t want to come in.

You should be able to put that dog wherever you want him to be. If you can’t that is bad training and ownership.

within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig

This sounds like the sort of thing my 16 yo DD would moan about. Even then, I'd ask her if she was still in Year 8.

She sounds horrible, esp the overreaction to the dog when she has her own?? Self centred, you should be pleased to see the back of her

She was rude to arrive so late. You were extremely rude to bring it up and make an issue out of it. She sounds like she spoke rudely about the dog situation but again you were very rude by refusing to shut the dog away. I would have refused to come in if you had refused to shut your dog away.
Should you apologise-yes. You were a rude host. Your guest could have improved her behaviour too but you were worse in my book by your description of events.

You were both badly behaved.

She shouldn't have been late but the reason she was late was to bring a gift to you? If somebody is afraid of dogs, lock them up as soon as you realise. Surely you cannot put an animal's humour before a friend's anxiety?

You really can't snap at guests for being late. Its as rude as being late in the first place. She did the only thing possible which was to leave because how on earth could you both sit down to eat while angry and smarting with one another.

Depending whether you posted here to validate your behaviour or to see her point of view, ring and apologise. Or lose a friendship.

Neither of you come across well here! If she'd just arrived in the country and you were both so excited to see each other, then presumably you have a friendship worth saving. Call her.

6 of one, half a dozen of t'other.

Call her. She should be very more gracious with her timekeeping. And you should have been gracious enough to try and smooth over things and get her settled in. It's a bit strange that you put so much effort into an elaborate meal and then made her feel so unwelcome.

And it's not fair to assume just because someone has a dog they can't be scared of all dogs.

I would never dream of turning up to someone's house empty handed even if that made me late but I accept that's a difference of opinion. And she was rudely late. She should have apologised but you made her feel unwelcome. More unwelcome than a dog.

Sounds like a highly emotional meeting for what ever reason

If she means so much apologise for being so emotional and ask why she was late, laugh it off and let it go and go back to being bffs.

Please ignore the posters that tell you to bin her, mn os is full off ppl who love to cut everyone off

Life is not like that