Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

Doga sre a pain in the butt op...lovely though they are i would not assume that everyone is so fond to have them snuffling around.

@Dogsaremyfavorite

We normally dip our crisps in cream cheese with sweet chili sauce.... that’s why she brought cream cheese.

On a side note OP- I’ve never met anyone else that does that! virtual high five!

On the main matter- you both handled it badly, let the dust settle and reach out. If she doesn’t accept then at least you know you tried to be the bigger person

I would wonder whether she intended your lunch to be ruined and would have 'saved the day' with her groceries. If so, it backfired and that's why you got the childish reaction

You'll do yourself an injury with a reach like that 🤣🤣

But the fact she straight away removed you from instagram and Facebook straight away? Is your friend 12?
Perhaps just the last straw. I don't think this is the only 'friend' the OP has had issues with and I can actually understand why.

The friend was late, rude, sure, but she'd stopped to get stuff to bring and arrives, probably happy to be there, only to find the OP with a face like a slapped arse letting her displeasure be well and truly known.
So many questions but the OP is, understandably, trying to put herself in a more favourable light.
Did the friend know it was planned to the second? That lunch was timed so perfectly that it would be ready to be served as soon as the designated meeting time arrived? Did she even know it was a cooked affair rather that a more casual grazing type deal? Was she supposed to know she was not allowed to have a problem with an over excited bouncy dog?

As childish as removing the OP from social media may seem, I'm going with a definite last straw here

I agree with you OP.

Over an hour late is far too late to arrive for a meal regardless of her reasons. The dog thing sounds ridiculous when she has one herself, knew you had a new one and anyway your DH took it out for a walk.

You had tired to make the lunch nice and special and it sounds like she shat all over that. I would be pissed off too. I wonder why she just didn't apologise for being so late.

I'm sorry you live with depression, anxiety and chronic pain.

Thanks for your replies.

On Sunday my friend messaged me asking if we could bbq at my house. I said no, we live in an extremely hot climate. (We are not American. We are both from the same country and live as expats.)

I answered that I would be making beef burgers or chicken burgers or a chicken salad. This friend can be fussed with food/healthy eating so I gave her the choice. She said she wanted beef burgers.

The idea was to go and sit in our chilled shaded pool and catch up. Food was ready so we could take the burgers outside and not walk back and from to the house.

My dog does need training. We are working on it. My friend has been away for a while and doesn’t know about the incident with my cleaner.

I appreciate the frank comments about how rude I was. I was really upset and it’s no excuse.

Your friend was very rude being so late. However, I would have just made a jokey comment about it and given her a big hug if I had not seen her in six months. But instead you prioritised some burgers and salad (really struggling to see how either could be 'ruined' if they weren't eaten at exactly 12 on the dot) your dog and formalities over welcoming your friend. You told her off as soon as she came to your house. I wouldn't want to stay for an awkward lunch in the home of someone who told me off either.
I can't abide lateness, it is so rude but you could and should have handled this so differently. This is all so unnecessary and if sounds like you are quite rigid and dramatic. In your head, the day was already ruined when your friend was late. You didn't even try to get over it. Instead you claim that a salad and burger was ruined and inedible. That's very dramatic. Surely it wouldn't have been eaten straight away anyway as you'd have been catching up and chatting for a while? Or would you have frog marched her to the pool and made her eat burgers before the fun could start because that's what you had on your schedule?
Genuine friendship doesn't come with so many rules and caveats and expectations, it's just easy going. Not treading on eggshells or competitive hosting.
I have two dogs, one of which is a pain in the arse and barks at guests when they ring the bell. For everybody's peace of mind and comfort I put them in a different room when we have guests over. It's basic courtesy. For all your insistence on good manners from guests, which one should expect, you showed horrendous manners as a host. You'd friend is probably very upset and embarrassed at basically being thrown out of your home and I don't blame her. The lateness, while it would have pissed me off, would never have spoiled an afternoon seeing a much-loved friend after half a year.

@Realitea if you're going to insist on being the COVID police, at least read the full fucking thread to get your facts right?

Every bloody thread that talks about people meeting up gets idiots spouting irrelevant nonsense!

I'd of been pissed off, lateness to that degree is very annoying.

Also the dog incident is quite bizarre as she has a dog.

Beef burgers only take 10/15/minutes to cook. Who wants to eat as soon as you walk through the door. Hope you can build bridges with your friend.

I've only read the first page and the OP.

You sound overbearing, she really couldn't be arsed seeing you having just arrived back in the country. You having a go at her gave her the perfect excuse to rid you from her life.

You both sound like hard work.

Where do you live OP, shouldn’t people be isolating after travelling back from abroad somewhere?

We need to self isolate until we have a covid test that’s negative. Which is what my friend did.

Bringing groceries is a nice thing to do. It's incredibly ungracious to make a guest feel bad for doing that

Erm no, not if that grocery stop makes you an hour late after just telling someone you'd be 10 minutes... that's not nice, it's incredibly rude.

Also how is it that after 10 pages people still haven't clocked the multiple times OP says she is NOT FROM THE UK.

Like bloody cash the cheque.

All this fuss over burgers and salad. This thread really is the gift that keeps giving

Did she get the chance to explain why she was late?
Is she a person who is usually late to things (assuming not? Because you prepared for her to be on time?)

Sometimes unexpected things happen- it might not have been her fault she was held up.
Maybe she had a terrible morning and journey over to you with loads of things going wrong and the dog and you snapping at her were more than she could handle?

She was clearly making an effort- maybe the groceries were gifts from abroad, you don’t even know, you never got that far.

Sorry I think you have been unreasonable.

@BeanieBart

Also how is it that after 10 pages people still haven't clocked the multiple times OP says she is NOT FROM THE UK.

Like bloody cash the cheque.

Yep, this is driving me nuts on multiple threads. Not only is there an assumption the poster is in the UK, it's usually England too. I saw a thread yesterday where someone got all shirty saying someone shouldn't do X unless they're in NI and the poster was, in fact, in NI. That told them.

I feel your pain about the late guest. I made lunch for a friend and one hour after they were due to arrive they texted to say they were just leaving: from a place one and a half hours away. She also brought a dog she was looking after. Fine, I like dogs, even though this one did a poo in the hall . But I smiled and was cool about it all.

However, she visited again a year or two later, was again mega late, and had the cheek to say she didn’t like my dog which I had acquired in the intervening period. This was a labrador, btw, not a pit bull.

The friendship drifted thereafter (for other reasons as well).

OP, I’ve sat and read through the whole thread now and I get the feeling that this happened because of a build of of past issues?

I got the feeling that your response was because of friends, or this friend, constantly letting you down and you not feeling important enough in their eyes to be on time for or feel undermined or have felt undermined by them?

I’m only wondering because I was the same. A people pleaser, always putting others first, having to grin and accept people being over an hour late when meeting me and not showing the same consideration I did them. One day I was waiting for this friend at a train station and the train she was meant to be on was on time, called and texted, nothing. I waited, like a mug, for up to an hour thinking maybe she’d missed her train and her battery in her phone had died. Just as I was thinking of heading home, she turns up, all laughs and a carefree attitude no apology so I asked where she’d been and she Had decided to shop before getting on train, her phone was fine, she had no answer to why she’d not called me or returned my calls. I responded in a similar way to you OP, I was annoyed, upset, felt used, not worthy... I got a sense of this from your responses. Sounded a lot like me.

I agree, verybritishproblems. I think people like us take it on the chin for years, and then, when finally the worm turns, we are accused of being the unreasonable ones and “making a fuss” or “Ooh, what’s up with you ?”

@Ohtherewearethen

Your friend was very rude being so late. However, I would have just made a jokey comment about it and given her a big hug if I had not seen her in six months. But instead you prioritised some burgers and salad (really struggling to see how either could be 'ruined' if they weren't eaten at exactly 12 on the dot) your dog and formalities over welcoming your friend. You told her off as soon as she came to your house. I wouldn't want to stay for an awkward lunch in the home of someone who told me off either. I can't abide lateness, it is so rude but you could and should have handled this so differently. This is all so unnecessary and if sounds like you are quite rigid and dramatic. In your head, the day was already ruined when your friend was late. You didn't even try to get over it. Instead you claim that a salad and burger was ruined and inedible. That's very dramatic. Surely it wouldn't have been eaten straight away anyway as you'd have been catching up and chatting for a while? Or would you have frog marched her to the pool and made her eat burgers before the fun could start because that's what you had on your schedule? Genuine friendship doesn't come with so many rules and caveats and expectations, it's just easy going. Not treading on eggshells or competitive hosting. I have two dogs, one of which is a pain in the arse and barks at guests when they ring the bell. For everybody's peace of mind and comfort I put them in a different room when we have guests over. It's basic courtesy. For all your insistence on good manners from guests, which one should expect, you showed horrendous manners as a host. You'd friend is probably very upset and embarrassed at basically being thrown out of your home and I don't blame her. The lateness, while it would have pissed me off, would never have spoiled an afternoon seeing a much-loved friend after half a year.

This sums it up very well.

Anyone can be late so it's daft to aim to get the food served bang on for a punctual arrival. Plus after 6 months apart, you're going to want to talk and catch up for a while, not prioitise occupying your mouth with food.

Making herself so late buying additional food was annoying and unnecessary, but doesn't sound maliciously intentioned.

OP sounds very uptight about it all.

OP

Is this the friend that you started a thread about 3 weeks ago irritated that she was going away to visit family? And also irritated that she got out of her Car to drop off her daughter at school?

@verybritishproblems

OP, I’ve sat and read through the whole thread now and I get the feeling that this happened because of a build of of past issues?

I got the feeling that your response was because of friends, or this friend, constantly letting you down and you not feeling important enough in their eyes to be on time for or feel undermined or have felt undermined by them?

I’m only wondering because I was the same. A people pleaser, always putting others first, having to grin and accept people being over an hour late when meeting me and not showing the same consideration I did them. One day I was waiting for this friend at a train station and the train she was meant to be on was on time, called and texted, nothing. I waited, like a mug, for up to an hour thinking maybe she’d missed her train and her battery in her phone had died. Just as I was thinking of heading home, she turns up, all laughs and a carefree attitude no apology so I asked where she’d been and she Had decided to shop before getting on train, her phone was fine, she had no answer to why she’d not called me or returned my calls. I responded in a similar way to you OP, I was annoyed, upset, felt used, not worthy... I got a sense of this from your responses. Sounded a lot like me.

Yes, this is very much how I feel.

@Atadaddicted

OP

Is this the friend that you started a thread about 3 weeks ago irritated that she was going away to visit family? And also irritated that she got out of her Car to drop off her daughter at school?

No this is a different friend.

I took the comments to heart from the previous thread and I got over myself. All is fine with that friend.

@Maureenthecat

Did she get the chance to explain why she was late? Is she a person who is usually late to things (assuming not? Because you prepared for her to be on time?)

Sometimes unexpected things happen- it might not have been her fault she was held up.
Maybe she had a terrible morning and journey over to you with loads of things going wrong and the dog and you snapping at her were more than she could handle?

She was clearly making an effort- maybe the groceries were gifts from abroad, you don’t even know, you never got that far.

Sorry I think you have been unreasonable.

I shed light on a number of things with updates, which I don’t think you read.

End of the day it is what it is. Probably not my best moment to agree with her that she should go but I was not about to beg her to stay when she arrived acting ott about my dog and didn’t apologize for being late.