If you were a guest would you be ok with this? - wedding abroad

[foreverengaged]

We are looking to get married within the next couple of years (everything permitting) in my DPs home country. We've been looking at venues and where the guests from the UK would be potentially staying and we would love some outside perspectives on the ideas and logistic issues we have as we want to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone.

DPs family live about 50mins away from the large popular city with lots of touristy things to do where we usually fly into when visiting. DPs hometown is fairly quiet with not much to do apart from a nice park.

Our initial idea:

• guests fly in and stay in large popular city - we can suggest accommodation or they can find their own, most places, hotels and restaurants speak some English and have English menus as they are used to tourists from the uk so it should be easy enough for everyone to navigate and there are plenty of things to do both for families with DCs of all ages as well as couples and/or singles.

• guests can either come for the weekend of the wedding or make it a few days/week to have a little break/holiday whilst they're at it we would leave it up to them. We know quite a few of the guests would like to use the opportunity to explore the city and do some sightseeing.

• the church we get married in is in DPs hometown (sentimental reasons) so we would organise and fully pay for a mini bus (or multiple) to collect everyone from their hotels and transport to church on the day of the wedding it's around 50mins drive on a motorway

• we have found a venue we love which is another 25mins from church so again minibus (we would absolutely make sure it's up to scratch and comfortable I.e. Air con if it's summertime and so on)

• weddings in DPs country go on for 2 days so we would organise and pay for transport from venue back to hotels and transport back the next day (the afterparty starts around 2pm) 1hr drive.

OR guests can choose to stay the night at the venue which has a lovely hotel on site with a lot of activities and lovely amenities and the day after attend the after party then stay another night/ return to original hotel / stay another night then go straight to airport to return to UK the next day depending on the length/timing of their stay.

• Alternatively you can also opt to just fly in, travel to and stay for the entirety at the hotel the wedding reception will take place, travel to church and back, do the 2/3nights of wedding and travel straight back to airport. The hotel grounds have plenty to do, there's a stable where you can pay for horse riding, they provide free bikes to explore the grounds, there's a play area for kids and a water park area in the summer, hot tub/jacuzzi, spa and lots of greenery to explore so fingers crossed should be enough to keep guest entertained from Fri to Mon when they're not at the wedding.

We would not be asking for gifts as we are aware it's an expense to attend. The wedding itself will have a free bar and lots of food/drink coming all throughout the day/night so no additional costs for drinks and the like.

Would you be happy with these options as a guest? Or is it too much?

It's all in the very early planning stages so any insight would be really appreciated.

I sounds great! How much would the cost be for a couple? Flights + the hotel near the venue for the two days?

I don't think you can get a true reflection asking on MN - you'd need to gauge a reaction from your friends. Our friendship group would all travel (and have done several times) for weddings like this.

However it depends on your general friendship group. We're lucky to be very financially stable and have parents who would love to have our children for a long weekend for us to go. A lot of people won't have the spare cash or the childcare options available. I feel like aiming for a low attendance outside of immediate family is the most reasonable approach then you won't be disappointed if people can't make it.

As a guest, I'd think you're trying to please someone other than your guests (which it sounds as though you are: grandparents, your DH's sentimental attachment to his church etc) rather than accommodate your guests

Err, surely it's more important for the wishes of the bride or groom to have a beloved grandparent be able to attend and marry in what sounds like their family church to be taken into account than a guests comfort?

Did you all plan your weddings around your guests and didn't take into account your own preferences? I sure as hell didn't.

OP I'm one of those evil people who had a destination wedding - in our case Venice because that's where we met and we love it there. We invited a load of people who we loved and wanted to join in with our celebration. Some came. Some didn't. They all,sorted out flights and we block booked a hotel for them. We had a civil service, gondola ride and then a lovely meal. The next day some people hung around and we all went to explore together, others went home. It was fine.

Yeh sounds really good I think. Assuming it's relatively near to uk if people might go for a weekend. Obviously some people won't come because of the travelling/expense etc but that's fine, you'd never please everyone and it's fine to prioritise your partner's family! I'd probably have a few minibus pick up points rather than at each hotel assuming people would stay in hotels reasonably close together.

I hired a bus to transport guests around 35 miles from where I live now to ‘home’ for my wedding - arranged a couple of pick up / drop off points and supplied some beers and wine for the journey - it was really well received but in addition a lot of guests chose to book a room at the wedding venue and we had quite a party

Sounds exhausting, people will have to be on a bus 1.5/2h both days parking aside the flights

Err, surely it's more important for the wishes of the bride or groom to have a beloved grandparent be able to attend and marry in what sounds like their family church to be taken into account than a guests comfort?

Yes, I agree .

Sounds like you're being really thoughtful and trying to make it easier for your guests. I do think you should explain your options to them and see what they think

Do your guests have children? This sounds very difficult if so. You can have the wedding you want, but be prepared that a lot of guests won't be able to afford to come.

I couldn’t even read all of that never mind actually do it! Sounds a lot of effort.

Couldn’t even read all that? Goodness daily life must be extremely difficult for you. It’s really not complicated at all and the idea that sitting on a bus for an hour or two is ‘exhausting’......I assume there are a lot of people with serious medical conditions replying to this. It is simply not the norm to be exhausted by short periods of travel.

These are good options and most people in good health and under the age of 90 will not find this level of travel at all difficult.

Whether or not people can attend will still depend on finances and leave availability, but I think many of the responses here have been extreme and unlikely to reflect the responses of people in normal health.

If you were really good friends yes, otherwise I wouldn't want to go to a 2 day wedding. I'd do the main day them bugger off back to the tourist city for a break - providing I could afford it and you'd allowed me a plus one so I could have some company.
Went to a good friends destination wedding but my girlfriend wasn't invited, so I was one of the few single guests, and that definitely wasn't that fun at times being on my tod surrounded by friends in couples.

I think concentrate less on seeing it as a potential city break mini holiday for your guests and more on making it as easy and affordable for people. I’d prioritise trying to get a good good rate at the reception place, that sounds lovely.

Thank you for all the replies!

As mentioned before I know the initial post is a bit of a ramble but just to clear it up - we are NOT going to be giving specific dates/lengths of stay to people it was merely an example. I know quite a few people from the UK who have been on a weekend/week long city break to the city and loved it and would go again hence we will point out when we talk to our guests that it has plenty of things to do there if anyone chose to make a bit more of a break of it (a brilliant renowned zoo great for little ones/lots of historical and architectural buildings and romantic cobbled streets including the "old town" plus a million other things). We will keep it nice and short and very clearly and politely point out its at the guests own initiative and they will be making their own arrangements if they do that - DP is much better at wording these things than me.
I am not telling anyone "stay for 3 or 5 days and do xyz" and handing out an itinerary or hand holding.
We will give them dates of wedding, accommodation available close to venue including any block booking prices, transport information, a couple of hotels in big city with transport information and a "please feel free to do your own thing/stay for however long you wish. transport from big city would be from x and y hotel on wedding day and so on". It would all probably be on a website.

Wedding party would have different arrangements of course as they are happy to stay with or closer to DPs family whereas I know some potential guests from UK would be after nicer accommodation.

I'd second the not trying to sell it to them as a mini break and keeping it affordable with looking up options for accommodation etc.

It's up to the guests whether they can afford to go for longer and have a hol, for the ones with kids that may not be that practical for them.

Whatever you decide to do with weddings there will always be people it doesn't work for who are free to say no. Focus on being a good considerate host to the people that do go and don't expect you'll be able to come up with a solution that will work for everyone who can't come.

I agree some people are silly about weddings, there aren't many couples whose guests all live in the same town these days. It's like some people expect the couple to arrange their wedding to suit them and begrudge having to make any effort

Sounds fabulous. Can I come?

After reading your OP I assumed you were talking about a long-haul destination. You are massively overthinking this for a flight of under two hours. Even with check-in times that would be comparable to the journey time from London to Edinburgh by train, and less travelling time than London to most of Cornwall. You wouldn't tie yourself in knots making travel plans for those destinations so I think you can relax a bit, as long as you give the notice that you've mentioned.

It sounds somewhere like Prague, I went for my 50th and loved it.

I live in France. DH is French. We reserved all the rooms for our guests from UK in one hotel.

It was a morning wedding, lunch and back to hotel at 6pm. We organised minibuses that left at 30 min intervals. All the uk guests knew each other. We stayed in the same hotel and did other meals with the UK guests.

It was a 2nd wedding for us both small affair maybe 12 UK guests and 74 total.

I had an overseas wedding in DH’s home country. You haven’t said, though many people have asked, but a lot of this relies on which stage of life your guests are in (two income, no children or children old enough that they aren’t an issue etc) and how comfortable they are with travel.

Personally, just for ease of transport for everyone, maybe give them a short list of hotels in the city so your minibus isn’t stopping at every hotel in town. TBH if guests know each other and are opting for the longer visit, they are likely to enjoy meeting up with each other in advance, meeting for drinks in the evening or something.

I second the idea above about having a website with this sort of information.

I suspect most people would prefer to change location (again, if staying longer) from the city to the venue hotel, as weddings are always a long day and it’s just nice to be able to have your own space to retire to if required. And of course because they’ll all have been drinking and an hour on a minibus after that would be torture imo.

Also I know a lot of people have said it, but you will have a lot of people unable to make it, even if they say early on ‘oh yes absolutely.’ We all know “an invitation is not a summons” but so many brides take it personally when those declines start rolling in. It’s nothing personal, and I’m not saying it as a threat or anything, it’s just a fact. Some of my best friends couldn’t make my wedding. It was a shame but understandable. It’s a hard decision when you’re both from different countries. (In my case, DH has far more family than I do and it just made sense)

Anyway you’re being very thoughtful and far more organised than I was. Good luck with it all!

This really sounds too much for me. To much of travelling, if theres small kids involved this is a nightmare.

Please ensure that the guests you are inviting really will attend this wedding 'abroad'. The general attitude imo of these weddings is it's a huge ask of people. The expense, using annual leave, making arrangements for childcare etc.

It may sound lovely with all these options, but from the other side it's really alot.

Sorry op but I would politely decline, attending a wedding at home can be a full busy day and exhausting, I wouldn't want to include the fact that its abroad at all, I just wouldn't go.

Will your guests need visas post Brexit?

We got married abroad. Everyone who came had a fabulous time. Everyone stayed at their own choice of accommodation to suit their budget. Similar with the length of their stay. However you do have to accept that there will be those who don't go for their own reasons. We also said absolutely no presents as people were spending enough.
We loved it. So did everyone else.