If you were a guest would you be ok with this? - wedding abroad

[foreverengaged]

We are looking to get married within the next couple of years (everything permitting) in my DPs home country. We've been looking at venues and where the guests from the UK would be potentially staying and we would love some outside perspectives on the ideas and logistic issues we have as we want to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone.

DPs family live about 50mins away from the large popular city with lots of touristy things to do where we usually fly into when visiting. DPs hometown is fairly quiet with not much to do apart from a nice park.

Our initial idea:

• guests fly in and stay in large popular city - we can suggest accommodation or they can find their own, most places, hotels and restaurants speak some English and have English menus as they are used to tourists from the uk so it should be easy enough for everyone to navigate and there are plenty of things to do both for families with DCs of all ages as well as couples and/or singles.

• guests can either come for the weekend of the wedding or make it a few days/week to have a little break/holiday whilst they're at it we would leave it up to them. We know quite a few of the guests would like to use the opportunity to explore the city and do some sightseeing.

• the church we get married in is in DPs hometown (sentimental reasons) so we would organise and fully pay for a mini bus (or multiple) to collect everyone from their hotels and transport to church on the day of the wedding it's around 50mins drive on a motorway

• we have found a venue we love which is another 25mins from church so again minibus (we would absolutely make sure it's up to scratch and comfortable I.e. Air con if it's summertime and so on)

• weddings in DPs country go on for 2 days so we would organise and pay for transport from venue back to hotels and transport back the next day (the afterparty starts around 2pm) 1hr drive.

OR guests can choose to stay the night at the venue which has a lovely hotel on site with a lot of activities and lovely amenities and the day after attend the after party then stay another night/ return to original hotel / stay another night then go straight to airport to return to UK the next day depending on the length/timing of their stay.

• Alternatively you can also opt to just fly in, travel to and stay for the entirety at the hotel the wedding reception will take place, travel to church and back, do the 2/3nights of wedding and travel straight back to airport. The hotel grounds have plenty to do, there's a stable where you can pay for horse riding, they provide free bikes to explore the grounds, there's a play area for kids and a water park area in the summer, hot tub/jacuzzi, spa and lots of greenery to explore so fingers crossed should be enough to keep guest entertained from Fri to Mon when they're not at the wedding.

We would not be asking for gifts as we are aware it's an expense to attend. The wedding itself will have a free bar and lots of food/drink coming all throughout the day/night so no additional costs for drinks and the like.

Would you be happy with these options as a guest? Or is it too much?

It's all in the very early planning stages so any insight would be really appreciated.

Is it a legal wedding, too? A lot of people can be quite offended by forking out for such and then finding you it's all just for show and you got married at the registry office the week before.

Totally depends on your guest list, too. People with young children, work commitments and fixed income people might be more inclined to decline.

My kids are older now and we'd maybe try to make a holiday of it if it were a holiday sort of place, but when they were young, no way. I'd just decline and send you a card with a cheque in it.

I think people may be very reluctant to accept invitations to overseas weddings in view of what has been going on for the last few months ....

OP I've been to a wedding exactly like yours - uncannily so. It was fabulous and the 50 guests from various parts of the UK all had a thoroughly wonderful time. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

It sounds like it’ll be a great time for the guests who are able to accept. I’d be inclined not to over complicate things, invite people to the wedding, provide a coach transfer from somewhere easy in the airport city and back again after the wedding, beyond that people can work out they are free to extend their stay. The Wedding venue hotel sounds affordable for anyone in the position to accept the invitation, so I’d keep it simple, it’s a two day wedding, 3 night stay, transfer included. People don’t need it spelt out that they can spend time before or after the wedding exploring the city. Otherwise you’ll end up completely frazzled managing everyone’s individual transfer preferences.

Is come but it would probably be my one holiday if the year so I'd want a couple of days in the big city and a couple of days relaxing at the wedding venture, as well as the wedding. That would take up about a week including flying out and home again, but I'd definitely be up for it. It sounds ace

Also to all the destination wedding nay sayers, this really isn’t a destination wedding, they are marrying from the grooms home, it sounds like it’s far more affordable country than the uk and one side of the family or the other will need to travel so it makes sense for it to be to the more economical place.

You need to not be so prescriptive I think! My friend tried to organise something like this and essentially it looked like she was forcing people to have a full holiday in the destination and she got quite a bit of backlash from people who wanted to fly in Friday, wedding Saturday and head back Sunday in time for work. It was also extremely stressful for her to organise accommodation and travel for nearly 70, all with different needs.

Guests are capable of planning their own trip and finding somewhere to stay and I think she forgot this in her desire to put on a great trip for everyone. Some people may have a smaller budget/less annual leave and may want to organise the trip in the way that suits them best.

I would suggest putting the location of the wedding, the arrangements for the ceremony and reception and state that transport can be provided from reception venue to ceremony and back, should they wish to stay overnight at the reception venue.
Also explain that it’s customary in that country to have an after party and this will be X time in Y venue.

Then I would include a note along the lines of “we understand that some of you will be flying into Z tourist spot and might make a longer trip of it. Please let us know if you’d like some recommendations for accommodation and also if you need help with travel from Z tourist spot to Y venue. If there are a few of you it might make sense for us to put on a bus”.

@Fruitsaladjelly

Also to all the destination wedding nay sayers, this really isn’t a destination wedding, they are marrying from the grooms home, it sounds like it’s far more affordable country than the uk and one side of the family or the other will need to travel so it makes sense for it to be to the more economical place.

Sure, it makes sense for the OP and her DP's family, but let's not pretend it makes sense for all the guests who are expected to fly over from the UK.

@vanillandhoney did anyone say it would suit absolutely every guest? Did anyone say the invitation was a summons? Do you have the perfect solution that allows guests from two countries to attend a wedding and not travel to it? I’m not sure what point you are trying to make.

OP The only people that can give you an answer to your questions are the actual guests that you wish to invite.
There is a lot to consider, the expense , the travelling around, time off work etcetc.. Personally I would say no but I'm not on the guest list so it doesnt matter

Sorry, but I think it's unfair to ask guests to use up hard earned cash and holiday time for a wedding. I can see that might put you in a difficult position, but I would expect quite a lot of people to not be able to make it, and suggest a very small low key affair in your home country in addition, so they can celebrate with you.

[quote Fruitsaladjelly]@vanillandhoney did anyone say it would suit absolutely every guest? Did anyone say the invitation was a summons? Do you have the perfect solution that allows guests from two countries to attend a wedding and not travel to it? I’m not sure what point you are trying to make.[/quote]
Blimey, I don't know why you're getting so aggressive.

OP simply asked for opinions - I (like many others) have simply said overseas weddings don't make logistical or financial sense for most guests. I never suggested that there was a perfect solution

I just think that if you're going to have an overseas wedding (which it is to OP's family and friends) then you need to accept that a fairly sizeable proportion of your guests won't be able to attend.

It would totally depend on the city for me. Selfish, I know, but I've been invited to a destination wedding (I know the OP's is different) and it's somewhere I really don't fancy going, especially at that time of year.

Agree with Fruitsaladjelly. This is not a destination wedding. It's the same as a couple currently living in one part of the UK marrying in the place in which one or both of them grew up.

In her update, the OP has explained that most guests will be from DP's family. Financially and for health reasons, her family are in a better position to travel. The UK guests will be her close family and a group of mutual friends. These are people who would actively want to share the celebrations and meet other members of DP's family.

It also make it a lot easier to decide who will want lots of help with travel and accommodation and who will want to make their own plans. I still think it sounds as if it will be a lovely occasion.

I think you sound organised and your guests will appreciate the options.

I have only been to 1 destination wedding and it was expensive. It was our holiday that year and it wasn't somewhere I would choose to go.

My cousin is planning a wedding in Italy and I don't think we'll be going. She is moaning already about people saying they won't be going. I think if you have a destination wedding then you have to accept that some people won't want to/can't attend

I went to a wedding in a tiny Czech village nearish the Polish border. That was a 2 day affair with transport laid on for the various activities. utterly bonkers wedding but brilliant, and one of the best weddings I've ever been to and I was a plus one so didn't even know anyone. We also went to a popular tourist city to have a city break. Ignore the detractors, those who know and love you will know your circumstances, even if they find they cannot attend. Attending weddings in the UK can be almost as expensive as travelling abroad anyway.

I agree with some pps that you should simplify it. Forget about the city part, but maybe arrange for airport transfers to the venue. People can stay there, and if they want to explore the city, they can sort that out themselves.

I take it there will be no children going on your side?

Otherwise, it sounds nice, although I wouldn't go as I wouldn't be able to afford it.

@nettie434

Agree with Fruitsaladjelly. This is not a destination wedding. It's the same as a couple currently living in one part of the UK marrying in the place in which one or both of them grew up.

In her update, the OP has explained that most guests will be from DP's family. Financially and for health reasons, her family are in a better position to travel. The UK guests will be her close family and a group of mutual friends. These are people who would actively want to share the celebrations and meet other members of DP's family.

It also make it a lot easier to decide who will want lots of help with travel and accommodation and who will want to make their own plans. I still think it sounds as if it will be a lovely occasion.

It doesn't make any difference if it's a 'destination wedding', it's abroad for 1/2 of the couples family and friends and that can make it unaffordable and impractical for them to attend.

This is not a destination wedding. Gosh people like to moan. In the real world I go abroad at least once/twice a year for weddings. I’m Cypriot & have a large family. Sometimes dh & the dcs come sometimes not. It’s no big deal. I’ve never had people organise transport. I just hire a car. Yes I know it helps that I know Cyprus well but it just wouldn’t be expected. They reciprocate by coming to our family weddings here. No one moans or says it’s a big deal or a destination wedding. The events can go on for a few days though that’s becoming less common.

The last wedding I went to had 3000 people. Some from here, Greece & Spain. I don’t think people moaned. They’d have got short shrift if they did. And no that’s not a typo. The following day there was a close lunch for 500. The wedding money paid for both dos. There was a dinner the night before for each side - probably 100 people that was paid for by the godparents.

Huge carbon footprint for a wedding.

These always blow my mind. ‘We won’t asks for gifts’
I’d spend around £50 on a wedding gift. Do people honestly think these two things are comparable like you can get flights, taxis, accommodation, outfits, meals, airport parking, holiday booked off for the price of a gift.

It would be a swift decline from me and a 🤨 to any family member that did this. Wedding abroad. Party in the uk.

I’m married to an Italian so we married in the UK, but a planeload of his family and friends (and priest, and photographer) flew in from Italy.

They came in on Friday afternoon (cheap budget flights). We arranged minivans to collect from airport and take to hotel close to church and reception venue (we chose them to be within walking distance of each other). Paid for 2 nights’ accommodation. Took them all out for dinner Friday night. Reception open bar. Only think guests needed to pay for was their breakfast (and most wanted to go to Starbucks as such a novelty). We sent them all back to airport by minibus.

In return for a relatively cheap budget flight, they had a 2 night break in London so we had a good number of guests coming. Some chose to extend the stay by moving to another hotel or part of London, but we left that to them.

Keep it simple. Offer option of transport/accommodation from airport-venue-airport and include transport to/between church and reception. Guests wanting to extend for a city break will sort their own stuff out.

What you have got to remember, OP, is that there are posters on MN who don't like being sent flowers, because they think it's too much effort to put them in a vase (according to a recent thread). There is literally nothing joyful in life that a MNetter won't moan about. Take no notice of the professional miserabilists. Note that almost every poster who has actually been to a wedding abroad has had an awesome time. Don't be guided by weirdos who think 50 minutes' drive is too far for a wedding (where the fuck do they live? It used to take me longer than that to do the school run). But do think about simplifying your plans and also about having a UK party for those who can't afford the time or money to attend the actual wedding. And congratulations

Gosh people like to moan

Welcome to mumsnet

I might have gone to a wedding like this when I was single.

Now that I've got a DH's preferences to accommodate, and children to work around, I'm afraid I wouldn't go. It's too much effort for just a wedding. I'd do it for a sibling, and stay at the reception venue for a 3 nights, make my DH and DC toe the line.

As a guest, I'd think you're trying to please someone other than your guests (which it sounds as though you are: grandparents, your DH's sentimental attachment to his church etc) rather than accommodate your guests. Totally your choice. And as such I'd wish you all the very best, send you a lovely gift, but not attend.