If you were a guest would you be ok with this? - wedding abroad

[foreverengaged]

We are looking to get married within the next couple of years (everything permitting) in my DPs home country. We've been looking at venues and where the guests from the UK would be potentially staying and we would love some outside perspectives on the ideas and logistic issues we have as we want to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone.

DPs family live about 50mins away from the large popular city with lots of touristy things to do where we usually fly into when visiting. DPs hometown is fairly quiet with not much to do apart from a nice park.

Our initial idea:

• guests fly in and stay in large popular city - we can suggest accommodation or they can find their own, most places, hotels and restaurants speak some English and have English menus as they are used to tourists from the uk so it should be easy enough for everyone to navigate and there are plenty of things to do both for families with DCs of all ages as well as couples and/or singles.

• guests can either come for the weekend of the wedding or make it a few days/week to have a little break/holiday whilst they're at it we would leave it up to them. We know quite a few of the guests would like to use the opportunity to explore the city and do some sightseeing.

• the church we get married in is in DPs hometown (sentimental reasons) so we would organise and fully pay for a mini bus (or multiple) to collect everyone from their hotels and transport to church on the day of the wedding it's around 50mins drive on a motorway

• we have found a venue we love which is another 25mins from church so again minibus (we would absolutely make sure it's up to scratch and comfortable I.e. Air con if it's summertime and so on)

• weddings in DPs country go on for 2 days so we would organise and pay for transport from venue back to hotels and transport back the next day (the afterparty starts around 2pm) 1hr drive.

OR guests can choose to stay the night at the venue which has a lovely hotel on site with a lot of activities and lovely amenities and the day after attend the after party then stay another night/ return to original hotel / stay another night then go straight to airport to return to UK the next day depending on the length/timing of their stay.

• Alternatively you can also opt to just fly in, travel to and stay for the entirety at the hotel the wedding reception will take place, travel to church and back, do the 2/3nights of wedding and travel straight back to airport. The hotel grounds have plenty to do, there's a stable where you can pay for horse riding, they provide free bikes to explore the grounds, there's a play area for kids and a water park area in the summer, hot tub/jacuzzi, spa and lots of greenery to explore so fingers crossed should be enough to keep guest entertained from Fri to Mon when they're not at the wedding.

We would not be asking for gifts as we are aware it's an expense to attend. The wedding itself will have a free bar and lots of food/drink coming all throughout the day/night so no additional costs for drinks and the like.

Would you be happy with these options as a guest? Or is it too much?

It's all in the very early planning stages so any insight would be really appreciated.

I wouldn't be spending money on flights, hotels and meals just for a wedding, sorry.

It sounds lovely but be prepared that some or many of your friends and family won’t go.

Sounds quite like my wedding. The complaining from guests went on for YEARS. Longer than the actual marriage. Wish I’d never done it.

I think it sounds brilliant, and I can't wait for my invite to arrive, OP!

Sounds fabulous and I don't think it's overcomplicated. If there were rooms available at the venue without impacting on your wedding party, we'd just stay there and organise transport to the church with friends.

I love both weddings and travelling though (am supposed to be travelling back from a destination wedding as I type, stupid Covid) so...

You can't ask guests to spend a lot of money to go to your wedding. If you want to marry away from where you live then you should pay for them to attend.

I really don't get why people fork out for these weddings. It's such a damn cheek.

I don't think I'd want to move from hotel to hotel. If just coming for the wedding, I'd want to stay in the same hotel throughout. If making a holiday of it, then just the one move from the venue to the holiday location would be OK. Booking the hotel out, if numbers permit, and getting a discount would sound like the way to go.

Rather than presenting lots of different options, I would keep the arrangements as simple as possible, accommodating a single plan and then if your guests want to do anything different, they are free to organise it themselves.
Hope you have a lovely wedding!

people tend to be very keen about international weddings in principle but often haven't come through in the end

This has been my experience. A few friends have planned weddings expecting around 40 guests, and the actual numbers have been around 12.

As PPs have said, a lot depends on life stage. No kids, no mortgage then no problem. Once you have to factor in children, leave entitlement, travel etc and start working out the real costs it does get a lot more difficult.

We did something similar. We did it over a bank holiday so people didn’t have to use lots of leave. Also made sure that there were options of different airports/routes so people could fly from their local airport with a low cost airline.

We asked for no gifts and didn’t do hen/stag do. We put on a hell of a lot of food and open bar for two nights, plus breakfast.

We subsidised the accommodation (people paid £70 per room per night for B&B) and put on shuttle buses for two days. We did just have everything at one location to make it easier, but shuttled people to their accommodation.

I think it went really well, everyone still comments on how much they loved our wedding. We only invited people who we really wanted there, which also meant we knew them well enough to not get offended if they couldn’t make it!

Sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort and thought into it OP!

Just on numbers, we invited 65 and had 49 actually attend.

It just meant extra food & drink to go round!

@Annebronte

I would come (have been to similar sounding weddings) and would love it! It sounds brilliant!

I agree. And you have been very thoughtful. But you do need to be realistic - it is a big ask. As you say 2 day weddings are the norm, I am guessing that DP's home country is not in Europe? So guests will be flying long-haul too.

If I were you, rather than come out with this plan, thoughtful though it is, I would sound out the guests you most want to attend in advance. Is this doable for them? Stress that you want them to be honest - there is no point them saying yes to please you now, then finding they make excuses nearer the time. If you have enough interest, go ahead with your plan. If not, you may need to re-think and consider having 2 celebrations, one in each country.

Sounds about as inexpensive as it could be given it needs to be abroad.

One thought, do any of your guests have kids? Are you thinking they will bring them? If so minibus may not work with car seats etc

Also, for elderly people it might be quite exhausting.

I’d just suggest people stay at the wedding venue for the weekend, that’s what I’d do as a guest if there is as much to do there as you’ve said. I wouldn’t bother being shuttled in to see another city if I was only there for a weekend or you could let your guest figure out their own holidays, it bugs me when wedding couples try and dress up their wedding as a holiday. It’s not a holiday. If guests want to add a holiday on that’s up to them but they can figure that out themselves.

Sounds great to me. I suspect that some guests will choose either option.

I would negotiate a set room rate for the wedding hotel and also options at 2 different price points in the city plus some may choose another option but up to them. I would give at least 9 months warning ideally save the dates 12 months so people can save annual leave.

You can't ask guests to spend a lot of money to go to your wedding. If you want to marry away from where you live then you should pay for them to attend.

I disagree with this completely. I only ever attend the weddings of people I love. If I loved you enough to attend your wedding, I'd love you enough to travel for it. Expecting people to pay for you to travel to their wedding abroad is a whole new level of CF. You just decline and say "so sorry we can't be with you on your special day".

We have friends who've married in Bali, in Jamaica and in the South of France. We travelled to all of them with the DC because they were people we love. You sound like you're being very considerate and giving people plenty of options - if they can't come they can't come, but doing a wedding somewhere lovely that means something to you is not U at all.

@foreverengaged the people who love you will come, so ignore all of the negative Nancy’s on here saying otherwise! Every destination wedding I have been to has been brilliant, because the bride and groom have put extra thought and planning into making it a great event, precisely because it is a destination wedding, and they appreciate the effort that friends and family go to, to be there with them. Yours sounds fab!

Sounds great!

Completely depends on your guest list. I would be happy to attend, particularly if it’s a place that I enjoy going to or is on my bucket list. Love an excuse to see a new place and combine it with a short holiday (although I am a big believer in showing up for friends and family anyway and have flown to the states for just a weekend for a wedding; appreciate that’s not possible for everyone).

At our own wedding, we had approximately 60+ guests come from abroad to London. Another friend had a destination wedding in Italy with 120+ guests, all from abroad.

I am glad I don’t know many of the people on this thread who would balk at attending a wedding outside their own home town.

*You can't ask guests to spend a lot of money to go to your wedding. If you want to marry away from where you live then you should pay for them to attend.

I really don't get why people fork out for these weddings. It's such a damn cheek.*

Utter bollocks!

Sounds lovely OP although I agree it depends what life stage most of your guests are at. My main thought is what do people with kids (under age of say 10 yrs) do with regard to the evening? Will they have to go back to the hotel early ish presumably? In which case they need to have had their dinner etc before getting a minibus back. Just consider that.... and also personally I wouldn't want to use childcare in this situation (ie. Leaving kids in a foreign country with someone I don't know in a hotel an hour away).

A two day wedding? So guests would really have to be prepared to use a weeks holiday on it. I personally wouldn't be all that keen, tbh.

As your DP is actually from this country, if I knew you, I would consider going - which I wouldn't normally, for a wedding in another country, if the couple have just gratuitously picked some inconvenient expensive place to get married in.

If I were going to go, i wouldn't want to have three different places to deal with: staying in one place, church in another, reception in a third.

• how expensive will it be to stay at the venue?
• If it's quite expensive, can you list budget altnernatives in DP's home town - self catering, air bnb etc?
• can you get budget airline flights to the popular city or another one close enough to your DP's actual hometown?
• What will it cost to travel between the airport and the hometown?

What I would want to know, is how much time and money would the most basic package cost that allows me to get to your wedding - so all I want to do is to go to the ceremony, go to the party / parties (2 days?) and have a pretty simple place to stay as close as possible to these. Is that an option (you seem to be talking a lot about Popular City which I personally couldn't be arsed with)? and if so, how inexpensive and efficient could your guests, who are that way inclined, make it?

It is dependant on your type of guest.
Relatively young with disposable income and no young children would probably make a holiday of it.
A couple who have had to leave young children with grandparents might just fly in and out.
And another person might not be able to afford even doing a short trip.

Only you know your guest so there is no yes or no answer.

Sounds amazing and like you’re thinking of everyone’s needs really well- I’d love to go to a wedding like that!

Dh and I from different countries. Initially, we discussed two weddings but we realised we couldn't afford. So the other option was have it at one of our home countries and basically expect our guests to subsidize our wedding by flying over and paying their own way for accommodation and flights.

In the end, we realised this was unfair so we had the wedding in the country we lived in and didn't invite anyone from the other country. There were no arguments, no one was upset, no one was out thousands of pounds. We were going to have a reception in the other country but just never bothered in the end

I don't regret it at all. I'd really resent being asked to go to a wedding that was going to cost me hundreds of pounds and where I knew that the bride and groom were paying for the guests they actually cared about to be there. I think they'll also feel obligated to give a present despite already paying 5 times a normal wedding to come to this.

I suspect those here that "love" destination weddings just have lots of cash (and of course weren't getting married in the year or two following a pandemic). A PP said they even did it on a bank holiday to help people with holiday and of course double the price of flights and accommodation for those attending.