If you were a guest would you be ok with this? - wedding abroad

[foreverengaged]

We are looking to get married within the next couple of years (everything permitting) in my DPs home country. We've been looking at venues and where the guests from the UK would be potentially staying and we would love some outside perspectives on the ideas and logistic issues we have as we want to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone.

DPs family live about 50mins away from the large popular city with lots of touristy things to do where we usually fly into when visiting. DPs hometown is fairly quiet with not much to do apart from a nice park.

Our initial idea:

• guests fly in and stay in large popular city - we can suggest accommodation or they can find their own, most places, hotels and restaurants speak some English and have English menus as they are used to tourists from the uk so it should be easy enough for everyone to navigate and there are plenty of things to do both for families with DCs of all ages as well as couples and/or singles.

• guests can either come for the weekend of the wedding or make it a few days/week to have a little break/holiday whilst they're at it we would leave it up to them. We know quite a few of the guests would like to use the opportunity to explore the city and do some sightseeing.

• the church we get married in is in DPs hometown (sentimental reasons) so we would organise and fully pay for a mini bus (or multiple) to collect everyone from their hotels and transport to church on the day of the wedding it's around 50mins drive on a motorway

• we have found a venue we love which is another 25mins from church so again minibus (we would absolutely make sure it's up to scratch and comfortable I.e. Air con if it's summertime and so on)

• weddings in DPs country go on for 2 days so we would organise and pay for transport from venue back to hotels and transport back the next day (the afterparty starts around 2pm) 1hr drive.

OR guests can choose to stay the night at the venue which has a lovely hotel on site with a lot of activities and lovely amenities and the day after attend the after party then stay another night/ return to original hotel / stay another night then go straight to airport to return to UK the next day depending on the length/timing of their stay.

• Alternatively you can also opt to just fly in, travel to and stay for the entirety at the hotel the wedding reception will take place, travel to church and back, do the 2/3nights of wedding and travel straight back to airport. The hotel grounds have plenty to do, there's a stable where you can pay for horse riding, they provide free bikes to explore the grounds, there's a play area for kids and a water park area in the summer, hot tub/jacuzzi, spa and lots of greenery to explore so fingers crossed should be enough to keep guest entertained from Fri to Mon when they're not at the wedding.

We would not be asking for gifts as we are aware it's an expense to attend. The wedding itself will have a free bar and lots of food/drink coming all throughout the day/night so no additional costs for drinks and the like.

Would you be happy with these options as a guest? Or is it too much?

It's all in the very early planning stages so any insight would be really appreciated.

As long as you are paying for flights and accommodation during the 2 day wedding that’s fine.

Unless I was your sister and you paid 100% I might consider it but other than that...
No. I wouldn't go. Sorry. Too much cost.
It would be a couple of 100 quid to just to get passports. I sorry but a couple of 100 quid (plus the rest) to watch a couple of people say some soppy words.
No. Just no.

My dh is Dutch.
We were living in UK, we got married in UK and invited all his (massive) family. People who came : His Dad (widower) his siblings, 2 sets of aunts and uncles (out of 13 couples) and 6 friends. They all booked local B&B to the venue.

2 weeks later we had a wedding reception in Holland. Who came? Everyone, every single cousin (35+ of those) and friends, neighbours, colleagues etc. I am so glad we did it.

Does it have to be a 2 day wedding? I would look to mix the host country customs with UK customs, and having a 1 day wedding would fulfill this. Guests could fly in Friday afternoon/evening. Attend the wedding on Saturday and fly home on Sunday.

(obviously we had loads of English family and our friends at the English wedding)

I would come, but I imagine that several wouldn’t. It’s possibly too much for elderly, disabled or pregnant guests. Larger families won’t have the budget, maybe. So....the wedding will comprise largely your fiancé’s family and friends. Are you definitely ok with that? Is a wedding in that particular place lasting two days definitely what you both want?

If I loved you enough to attend your wedding, I'd love you enough to travel for it

well that is lovely.
Unfortunately we don't have the income for this. Our annual holiday costs us £800, we are a family of 5. I would love to do a hotel holiday, etc, but no, we don't have the income, so, while I might love you very much, I would not be able to attend.

I am constantly astonished that people on mn seem to not to be able to understand the difference between 'we can't afford it' and 'we wouldn't want to spend our money on that'

That worked for your family/friends & wedding @FransDiner and utilising the bank holiday worked for mine.

Each to their own. No need for .

Even for a close family member, it wouldn't occur to me to pay hundreds of pounds to go to their wedding. I'd just be bitterly disappointed they didn't have a ceremony in the UK. - we live permanently in the UK if someone from here was "bitterly dissapointed" we chose to get married in DPs country of birth where his elderly family members are who we only see once or twice a year we wouldn't even give it a second thought.
There's a good reason we want the wedding abroad.

DP has elderly grandparents and a couple of them cannot travel anymore for medical reasons. One DGF who is exempt from flying and driving would be too much for him and whom DP is very very close to among them.
Realistically the majority of people from DPs country would be unable to afford to travel and stay in the UK taking into consideration the wages and exchange rates and weddings here are extortionately more expensive in comparison to DPs country. We also would not be able to afford putting people up.

I only have my parents, siblings and their partners and they would all happily travel.
Others guests are close friends on both sides and we know some that would definitely do their best to be there and some obviously dependant on work and other commitments. Quite a few could definitely afford it but understandably not all.

We would not be twisting anyone's arm to attend and completely understand it's not for everyone.
We would give at least 12 months notice. RSVPs due in 6months before the wedding and then we would adjust the guest list on DPs side accordingly so numbers on each side are fairly even (DP could easily get anywhere from 50-150 people to attend from his side if he wished to invite the whole family like you sometimes still do in his country). The invites to DPs side would go out 3 or 4 months before wedding as customary.

My only comment is that if you're providing transport to and from the hotels to the wedding, that 50 minutes journey will easily because hours going hotel to hotel though. And that could make for a very early, hot start with whingey children before even arriving.

It sounds like too much faffing about to me and I wouldn't want to spend that much time and money on attending a wedding.

That's despite the fact that I have no kids, as in Mumsnet world that seems to mean you have bags of spare time and money and don't mind splashing it about willy nilly.

I would also simplify it and say that coaches to/from city are on offer and x nights available at hotel. Don't get into being other people's tour operator.

It sounds as though you and DP are being very considerate of your guests. Minibuses etc is very generous of you and I'm sure they will be appreciated.
Remember it's your big day so dont feel responsible for everyone else's happiness. If I were invited I would also think of it as a holiday as you've said there's plenty to see in the city. I'm not sure how many people you are inviting but I would definitely point out to everyone that you are flexible about how much time they can commit to the wedding as you know it's a holiday for them. I'm sure the important people will make an effort to be there throughout. Congratulations!

Sounds exciting. If a friend of mine did this I would go if I could afford to and make a holiday of it. FWIW it would make a difference to me that it was your dp's home country rather than a random destination wedding.

@sonjadog

I would also simplify it and say that coaches to/from city are on offer and x nights available at hotel. Don't get into being other people's tour operator.

Sound advice. Also put a clear deadline on when they need to have said yes to hotels/transport etc and stick to it.

^^ YY. Just tell people when the ceremony is, and lay on transport from the venue to the reception if it's a long way. You can't plan everyone's holiday - you'll go insane.

People who enjoy a city break will enjoy planning their own itineraries; people who think it sounds exhausting will be even more exhausted at being sent a timetable. Maybe it's just all the options you've outlined, but my head was spinning just reading it.

Firstly, congratulations and best of luck with organising your big day!

I’ve been in the position of being the person who organising my wedding abroad (in my home country which is 1 hour flight away and English speaking) and being a guest for a destination wedding (flight was 2 hours away, plus another 1 & half to get to village where wedding was taking place, most of the village was English speaking but not all & I attended with DH & our 7 month old baby) and my takeaway from both is be prepared that people will either attend or they won’t. You could organise it on some people’s doorsteps and they will still find something to complain about. Don’t know what it is about weddings that makes so many people be so miserable about - can’t go, fine don’t attend, but don’t rip the bride and groom to pieces over what they want to do on their day 🙄

Your organising sounds great, and you are doing all you can to make things as easy as they can be for your guests. Personally speaking for my wedding it was important to us to have the wedding and reception take place at the same venue so once guests were there they didn’t have to travel to multiple locations on the day (it’s very common where I’m from for the reception to take place at anything up to an hour & a half away from the wedding venue) so we collected some people from the airport so they didn’t have to worry about that part of things but majority of our guests wanted to make their own arrangements, but your minibus booking will be appreciated by a lot of people. The wedding abroad I attended also organised a minibus to and from the village which was lovely, but can be a bit awkward depending on who is on the bus. Some people are naturally more outgoing so would be fine regardless, but others not so much and might find it a bit daunting.

You can’t cater for everyone though, so while it’s lovely to canvass opinion, be prepared for some strong opposition to whatever you plan on doing. IMO a wedding website is a great idea, plus gift bags with little things like maybe a map, a guide for local things to do and maybe some local food or drink items for those travelling is a nice to have. Ultimately some people will want to make a weekend of it and be happy to spend a lot of time with the other guests while some will want to keep themselves to themselves. You can only offer options, but be careful of turning into the travel agent and the tourist board because some people can’t be bothered to arrange anything themselves. Be mindful not everyone will be able to attend no matter how close they are, for ones who do attend to do nothing but complain about it, for others to love the opportunity for a holiday and for some to just be happy you’re getting married whether they can attend or not. Have the day you and your partner want as ultimately you can wrap yourself in knots no matter what you do so try your best to enjoy it.

Good luck!

Having attended a similar wedding I would say choose a base in DP's hometown. Give people taxi details or car hire details. Sit back and relax. This was much easier with small children than trying to travel back and forth. We honestly didn't care that we weren't in a touristy place - that was part of the charm. Have an extra wedding "party" in the UK for those that don't want to travel - that can just be a nice meal at a restaurant.

People who want to come, will. People who won't, won't. You as the bride and groom can try and make things as lovely and easy as possible, and everything else is up to the guests themselves. If a wedding in a different country and all that entails sounds like hell to them, then they won't come, which is absolutely fine.
OP I think it sounds lovely, you've thought of everything, I hope you and your DH have a fabulous wedding with lots of friends and family :)

I've been to a few similar weddings in France. I would definitely stay near the church in the countryside rather than be bussed back and forth several times. May or may not extend the stay with a few days in the city afterwards, but during the wedding itself I would want to be near the area and not 50 minutes away. We would normally stay in the village/town near the church, as that would be where the family would be from, and we might meet up before the wedding with some of them. The reception venue is more likely to be location chosen for its amenities rather than family connections, so I wouldn't bother staying there.

Weddings abroad are a ridiculous idea from the point of view of guests, they have to pay for flights, accommodation and use up annual leave. For this reason I've always declined invitations to weddings overseas.

I love an adventure OP & I'll travel anywhere so count me in, let me know where & when & I'll sort my best frock out 😁

From what you've described, OP, I would not come to this wedding unless it was one of my siblings. Even for my close friends and cousins (to whom I'm close) this would be too much money, and time for me.

When you say 2 day wedding, how long exactly is it? I could fly from my home city at or after 7.30pm on a Friday (i.e. leave work and go directly to the airport without hold luggage to be checked - based on pre COVID being able to arrive an hour before a flight). Then journey time to the wedding city and a quick shower and change out of work clothes before I'd be ready to attend the party. Saturday all yours for wedding ceremony and party. Sunday I'd need to arrive home by midnight at the latest (to sleep and be ready for work the next morning) so again work backwards the journey time to work out what time I'd need to leave the party on Sunday. Anyone else who works Monday to Friday would be the same, and flights Friday night and Sunday afternoon/evening are typically the most expensive, especially to "weekend away" type cities which is what the city near your DH's home town sounds like.

I think you would also need to take into account what travelling is/will be like post COVID. At the moment, for example, it's pretty clunky and stressful taking semi-essential flights even short haul, and impossible for some people.

@FudgeBrownie2019

You can't ask guests to spend a lot of money to go to your wedding. If you want to marry away from where you live then you should pay for them to attend.

I disagree with this completely. I only ever attend the weddings of people I love. If I loved you enough to attend your wedding, I'd love you enough to travel for it. Expecting people to pay for you to travel to their wedding abroad is a whole new level of CF. You just decline and say "so sorry we can't be with you on your special day".

We have friends who've married in Bali, in Jamaica and in the South of France. We travelled to all of them with the DC because they were people we love. You sound like you're being very considerate and giving people plenty of options - if they can't come they can't come, but doing a wedding somewhere lovely that means something to you is not U at all.

I wonder if you appreciate how relatively unusual it is to be able to afford a trip to Bali or Jamaica for a family of 4+. I imagine that there were plenty of people who loved the b&g just as much as you but simply couldn’t afford to attend. Equating attendance with love will be very unhelpful to the OP when a proportion of her guests inevitably decline.

I've been to a wedding like this, OP, and it was fabulous. It allowed me to get to know a bit about the culture of the 'foreign" half of the couple. The extended family did lots of lovely bits of extra hosting (brides brother lived in "big city" 40 min drive from "small town" and we stayed a night with him, having met him before about twice. Brides parent were hugely proud and excited). The British contingent all had a fab time together and with the others). A few people were able to act as interpreters, and we were all fluent half way through the first bottle of vodka.
I didn't have kids at the time, but i did have a shared responsibility for a couple of teenaged family members. Other British guests had kids, all 8+, not toddlers. They all seemed to have a great time.
Ahead of the wedding, before it was booked, the bride and groom were not sure what to do. But whatever they did would have inconvenienced someone, we told them "you won't please everyone so might as well please yourselves". You've taken great care over your guests comfort, the people who have left comments that aren't positive, basically don't want to go to a wedding abroad. If you have a marriage between people of 2 nations and want to invite people from both countries, some people will end up travelling. The wedding I went to list a few guests who couldn't afford to, but of you marry in the UK you have the same problem the other way round.
I'm glad my people had one wedding not two. It reflected how they felt about the joining of 2 lives and families.