Who pays

[Courtney555]

If you were significantly better off than a really good friend, and it made no difference to you, whilst they were on a tight budget, would you always pay for coffees, (non extravagant) lunches etc.

I was going to put circumstances, then realised they were irrelevant as we are both nice, decent people, just one of us is really financially comfortable, and the other, for very genuine reasons, has very little money.

I love going out with her and our DC, we deliberately don't pick places with high entry fees (we both have children), but for example, if we go to the park, I'll buy everyone an ice-cream. If we meet for a Starbucks, I'll get the bill.

It's just kind of every time. And it's bugging me a little. She's not being entitled or a CF who could afford to pick up the whole bill herself. £20 I don't notice on a round of coffee and cake, is a tangible part of her weekly disposable income. I think there's an element that she knows it's negligible to me, so feels quite comfortable about it. And I don't begrudge it, I love her to bits, but when it's every time, I just think, once a month, she could say, "let's split it."

It's never anything over say £30, and I'd hate the thought of saying "shall we go halves" and her to feel obliged, then that was the money for her and DC dinner.

She's not a freeloader, truly, she's not. If it sounds like she is, it's my error in how I've worded this. I'm arguing internally, that, "£20/30 doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"...."but then 5 times a month, that's up to £150, which is a lot for her to be ok with accepting as treats"...."but the spend over a month doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"

So, AIBU. If we have a great time, as do our DC, and it's of immaterial consequence for me to pick up the tab for sundries, and very material for her, do I just keep doing it?

Or, just because it's immaterial, doesn't mean it's ok to keep doing it? Or more to the point, because it's a very material amount to her, should she be ok with accepting it on every occasion.

Myself and a family member have very different views here, would like to see general consensus.

(Quick clause, before this runs off on a stealth boast tangent, I hope people have the clarity to see this is not about being "significantly richer than yow" )

How about you suggest that whoever chooses the venue pays any costs? So if you pick a theme park then you pay for everyone. She can pick a walk in the park and pay for the car parking, if any, and ice lollies etc.

It's possible that she is very aware of the dynamic but is sucking back her pride because she doesn't see another way for her DC to have these experiences. And it will be hard for her to say no to her kids if they start whinging for a treat if yours have onehard for all of you in that circumstance. I'd do as previous posters have suggested and tell her ahead of time that you'll be bringing coffee from home and could she bring a packet of biscuits for all to share? (Or whatever arrangement works best.) This is the ideal time to do ityou can frame it as "less unnecessary interaction" (with cafe staff, etc), and hopefully it will become a habit. If she wants to spend less time with you as a result, well, then at least you know where you are.

If you know the day normally 'runs away' with you and the kids will be hungry, text her the day before and suggest you both bring sandwiches.

Do you arrive at the place in separate cars and she sticks her hand out for the fiver parking?

If you were significantly better off than a really good friend, and it made no difference to you, whilst they were on a tight budget, would you always pay for coffees, (non extravagant) lunches etc.

I think it's a difficult one and partly depends on the amount of income disparity. I think i'd feel awkward accepting any amount of money, even if only occasionally, from a friend who would have to budget every tenner.

If you aren’t comfortable any longer with the situation then the resentment will continue to build and affect the friendship. I see a lot of these types of threads and it comes down to a difference in what you find acceptable and what she finds acceptable behaviour or manners. It’s become a given now to her that you will pay/subsidise any costs when you spend time together. If she doesn’t appreciate it or show gratefulness then of course you will feel taken advantage of even if you can afford it. No one wants to feel taken for granted! I think if you honestly feel she couldn’t afford to meet up with you then it’s up to you to either accept the situation and continue paying or explain to her that you cannot afford to continue paying for her and in the future cut back on the extras like ice-creams, coffees. Suggest you each bring your own snacks/thermos of coffee going forwards. You will see from her reaction if she’s a true friend or not. A true friend would express some empathy especially as she understands financial hardship.

She does sound quite cheeky even if she's not meaning to be. I have a similar friendship, but I don't resent paying for things at all, as firstly when I suggest going for food (or something that requires payment, even if it's something small like a coffee) she will openly say "I'm skint at the moment, we could do such a thing (free) instead?" So I know she's aware, will suggest something free and not just expectant. Secondly, I know she can't afford to pay towards much, but she will go out of her way to do extremely appreciated things for me, too. For example she will offer to watch DC for me while I nip to the shops, if she's at mine she will actively get up and swap my washing over if she hears the machine beep, just little immensely appreciated things which go a long way. I don't think it's about the money, I think it's about the thought being reciprocated.

I've been on both sides of this situation at various times. When I'm with a richer friend, I make quite an effort for us to do things I can afford. Otherwise I invite my friend to something I can provide at low cost, eg a meal at my place. I'm happy to pay when I'm the richer one, but wouldn't like to that to be expected every time.

You need an equal basis ,so take a picnic to the park ,take a coffee in a flask when you meet ..
I wonder if she would want to see you as much if there was no extra treats being bought by you

My dearest friend has a chronic illness and hasn't worked for around 15 years. I pay for everything we do together, even holidays. Because I know without a doubt that she would do the same if our roles were reversed.

Does she show her appreciation in other ways? It does seem strange that she never offers to pay, I think I would feel taken for granted too.

If you want to keep hanging out with her (and sounds like you do) you just need to be a bit more forthright and make suggestions.. e.g.:

You go out to the park - oh the kids always get hungry, why don't we take something to eat? I'll bring juice and sandwiches, can you bring some crisps?

Or 'why don't you pay for these coffees and I'll get lunch later?'

Could you do that kind of thing and see if it helps shift the balance?

Sounds like you are quick to offer too, so maybe don't put your hand in your pocket so quickly and see what happens? There must be some opportunities where you just pay for you and your kids and then she pays for hers separately? e.g. in a cafe when you pay at the start instead of at the end?

I think the issue is that your relationship has become very one sided with you doing all the giving and your friend doing all of the taking. There is going to come at point when you start to feel resentful and could ruin your friendship.

As other posters have said, there are things your friend could do to 'give back' eg bring some snacks for all the children, buy coffees from the local cafe rather than Starbucks etc. But she doesn't, so it's become one sided.

I think you need to reset your plans and stop spending money. So, meet up at each other's homes or bring food from home when you go out. You need to get your relationship back on a more even footing.

Yeah I think she a CF and not a good friend.
She could at least offer to pay but sitting back with no intention of putting her hand in her pocket doesn’t sit right with me!

The problem is that you don't want to talk about it with her.

Imbalances happen in all relationships. Communication is the key.

This will decide whether your friendship is a good one. And whether or not you talk to her about it will do the same. If you don't, resentment will taint it.

The first response by sleepyhead is absolutely the same as my response.
The reason you resent it is perhaps because it’s become expected and possibly taken for granted? Try and do things that are free or cost less or go out less often and start going halves or take in turns.

I have a very wealthy friend and we actually had a chat about this sort of thing once. It came about when we were at our mutual hobby and she suggested that we went to a nice restaurant for lunch, her treat. She said that she was very happy to treat me and for her it was the equivalent of when I treated her by making cake, providing picnics etc.

This exact thing happened to me OP. I got friendly with a school mum and was going through a bad time and used to ask her if she was free to go for a coffee. As i invited, I paid, no problem. She was on benefits and used to send her kids to school without break some days (I bought them stuff) so I knew money was an issue for her. The money wasn't a massive deal to me but it wasn't insignificant IYKWIM.

I started resenting it when she started inviting me for a coffee/days out and when it was time to pay just stood back and let me get on with it. I used to take her kids to school every day and she never sent them with break because she was used to me supplying it. I felt taken for a mug when she was redecorating her house (which I learned she did a lot) and was complaining that the wallpaper was costing her £27 per roll - something that I would never contemplate doing. I realized she wasn't broke but was happy to get coffee days funded so I backed off. I really miss her though!

Of course you feel resentment OP, you are being taken for a ride. Next time you go for a walk in the park plan a picnic beforehand and ask her what she is bringing. She would have to feed her own dc anyway so should not be expecting you to foot all the bill. If she happily says, “oh yes great idea. I will bring sandwiches for everyone and some fruit“ then that’s good and you carry on. If she drags her heels then it is obvious she sees you as a cash cow.

If I was totally skint, I still would not be letting my friend spend her money on me all of the time. Personal pride would kick in and I could not bear to be seen as a leech. I have two friends who Used to meet up regularly and one always subbed the other. Generous friend stopped meeting up with her after it became clear she was expected to always pay for stuff.

Posted too soon... so I think if your friend was a thinking sort of person who didn't take you for granted, she would be chipping in in ways that she could afford. Meeting in the park? She brings home-made cakes and some drinks. She'd buy the occasional round of coffee. She would invite you to her place for lunch. Trips out with her children would cost her something, so I think she is freeloading a bit really.

It's a lot per month. Can you start to suggest taking a picnic?

'Hi X, do you fancy taking the kids to the park, How about we both bring a picnic for lunch?'

If you were significantly better off than a really good friend, and it made no difference to you

But it obviously does...

I've been in your friends position and have lost a few friendships for this reason. Perhaps it's embarrassing for her. I don't expect anyone to pay for me, I try to avoid costly places but then I end up not going at all and people wonder why I don't make plans, or try to convince me that just this once it'll be okay - it won't because I can't afford it. I always offered but to be honest I've stopped going out because when I do offer its 'oh no I know you can't really afford it' or 'you need it more than I do' I'm not saying they're doing it to be nasty but it does make me feel like crap that they're usually right, I can't spare it, even though they're trying to be nice.

As a pp said, now is an ideal time to stop spending money and socially distance. Suggest picnics.

If I was the friend I would say I don't want a coffee, very often. I'd just give company whilst you have your coffee. I think this is why you're feeling that way as she never declines? I couldn't carry on taking.
But if I was loaded and £150 didn't hurt me and I loved her company and family I'd probably continue doing it as for me money isn't just for myself. I still think your friend could probably decline from time to time, bring her own flask etc.