Who pays

[Courtney555]

If you were significantly better off than a really good friend, and it made no difference to you, whilst they were on a tight budget, would you always pay for coffees, (non extravagant) lunches etc.

I was going to put circumstances, then realised they were irrelevant as we are both nice, decent people, just one of us is really financially comfortable, and the other, for very genuine reasons, has very little money.

I love going out with her and our DC, we deliberately don't pick places with high entry fees (we both have children), but for example, if we go to the park, I'll buy everyone an ice-cream. If we meet for a Starbucks, I'll get the bill.

It's just kind of every time. And it's bugging me a little. She's not being entitled or a CF who could afford to pick up the whole bill herself. £20 I don't notice on a round of coffee and cake, is a tangible part of her weekly disposable income. I think there's an element that she knows it's negligible to me, so feels quite comfortable about it. And I don't begrudge it, I love her to bits, but when it's every time, I just think, once a month, she could say, "let's split it."

It's never anything over say £30, and I'd hate the thought of saying "shall we go halves" and her to feel obliged, then that was the money for her and DC dinner.

She's not a freeloader, truly, she's not. If it sounds like she is, it's my error in how I've worded this. I'm arguing internally, that, "£20/30 doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"...."but then 5 times a month, that's up to £150, which is a lot for her to be ok with accepting as treats"...."but the spend over a month doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"

So, AIBU. If we have a great time, as do our DC, and it's of immaterial consequence for me to pick up the tab for sundries, and very material for her, do I just keep doing it?

Or, just because it's immaterial, doesn't mean it's ok to keep doing it? Or more to the point, because it's a very material amount to her, should she be ok with accepting it on every occasion.

Myself and a family member have very different views here, would like to see general consensus.

(Quick clause, before this runs off on a stealth boast tangent, I hope people have the clarity to see this is not about being "significantly richer than yow" )

If I were poor and so upset about my house that I didn’t want even my mother to see me at home, or my close friend, then OF COURSE I’d prioritise time and cash for paint and carpets over ice creams and coffees.

I totally agree. But I don’t think this is what the OP means. Yes, of course in that position, you wouldn’t spend money on coffees and ice creams. But how many times would you allow someone else to buy them for you and your family? Once or twice? Sure - that’s what friends do. But week in, week out? And would you allow your kids to ask for them, in the full knowledge that you aren’t going to be the one picking up the tab (even for your own)?

@NataliaOsipova I think I might just let you respond on my behalf. Your getting what I'm trying to say, spot on, and a lot more succinctly than I am

@Courtney555 Such a shame this is the Internet, otherwise I could bounce you into buying me a cappuccino now....🤣

@Courtney555 have you spoken to your friend since you found out about the decorating?

When dc say can we have lunch and she passes the buck to you say sorry its too expensive or i don't have enough money on me today although i would love to , see if she gets the hint
Re: decorating of ha etc may be given vouchers or a paint pack
Carpet kind of a necessary of bare floors so may of borrowed or be on finance hard to judge unless you know all details
If not the above then yes makes it worse , as could at least turn ip with some drinks or crisps etc for dc

yanbu that she should take charge and not let her kids ask you for stuff. Yabu that you don't understand how hard it might be for her to see the treats "dangled" and know you can afford them and decide to turn a blind eye to the situation so you & your kids have a nice time.

this is v U though -

I can't really do the "so we're bringing pack ups and the kids will have ice-cream at home" because, honestly, I won't do those things. Essentially because I don't want to, she doesn't either, and that's perfectly fine. I'm getting a little tired of the "my god, you give your children everything, spoilt Tarquins" speech. It's absolutely fine to be out, in the July sun, and buy your kids a 99 with a flake without it meaning they're entitled brats

just for the record, if you can't go one trip a week without buying stuff, or deal with a simple snack or packed lunch you, you are a bit divorced from reality.

I used to be v poor (live a different life now but unfortunately my children are grown - I’m not rich or anything just I can now pay my bills and afford things I couldn’t before).

When my children were small a treat for them would be ice creams in the park and I’d usually have bought these in a supermarket to have when there along with drinks from home.
Their Childless Godmother friend of ex dp was/is really quite wealthy so if she was with us she’d say ice cream van and it’d be magnums all round.
I felt like a leech but the children were so pleased not because ice creams off the van are different to the frozen ones on offer at the supermarket just the sheer treat of it and it did take a while for me to actually say to her, look I’m really not being funny but when you’re not here I buy ice creams they’re happy to eat and share with other kids if we have a bigger pack so you don’t have to treat them every time.

But in being totally honest, the difference that few pounds made to me the days she treated them was massive.
I also (sadly) remember the Christmas she sent money for the children and that virtually paid for their whole Christmas.

In addition, if your friends lifestyle has changed so much - mayday be her home isn’t very nice and she’s embarrassed to have you there and maybe these days you spend with her are the highlight of a tough time when she maybe doesn’t have to be the one to say no to her dc.

As she is decorating, did you offer to go and help?

Is it a council place she has?

Did you see her this week?