Who pays

[Courtney555]

If you were significantly better off than a really good friend, and it made no difference to you, whilst they were on a tight budget, would you always pay for coffees, (non extravagant) lunches etc.

I was going to put circumstances, then realised they were irrelevant as we are both nice, decent people, just one of us is really financially comfortable, and the other, for very genuine reasons, has very little money.

I love going out with her and our DC, we deliberately don't pick places with high entry fees (we both have children), but for example, if we go to the park, I'll buy everyone an ice-cream. If we meet for a Starbucks, I'll get the bill.

It's just kind of every time. And it's bugging me a little. She's not being entitled or a CF who could afford to pick up the whole bill herself. £20 I don't notice on a round of coffee and cake, is a tangible part of her weekly disposable income. I think there's an element that she knows it's negligible to me, so feels quite comfortable about it. And I don't begrudge it, I love her to bits, but when it's every time, I just think, once a month, she could say, "let's split it."

It's never anything over say £30, and I'd hate the thought of saying "shall we go halves" and her to feel obliged, then that was the money for her and DC dinner.

She's not a freeloader, truly, she's not. If it sounds like she is, it's my error in how I've worded this. I'm arguing internally, that, "£20/30 doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"...."but then 5 times a month, that's up to £150, which is a lot for her to be ok with accepting as treats"...."but the spend over a month doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"

So, AIBU. If we have a great time, as do our DC, and it's of immaterial consequence for me to pick up the tab for sundries, and very material for her, do I just keep doing it?

Or, just because it's immaterial, doesn't mean it's ok to keep doing it? Or more to the point, because it's a very material amount to her, should she be ok with accepting it on every occasion.

Myself and a family member have very different views here, would like to see general consensus.

(Quick clause, before this runs off on a stealth boast tangent, I hope people have the clarity to see this is not about being "significantly richer than yow" )

To be fair I never invite anyone round to mine. I do host play dates but don't invite friends in. I pay a small fortune to live in a very dated flat in a nice street in a very good school catchment. The kitchen, bathroom and carpets have t been replaced since it was built in 1982 and the carpets especially are absolutely grim. Look stained but are actually just threadbare. The walls are painted with cheap paint and aren't washable. I'm a lone parent on low income. All DD's friends live in large modern houses and have 2 professional parents. I'm way too embarrassed to have anyone round and even if I did I'd have no place for them to sit

@HollowTalk

Yes she is ashamed of the new place. Her mum hasn't even been allowed round. She beyond hates it. It's not that she doesn't want me there, she doesn't want anyone there. So that rules out going to hers, and she can't afford the petrol to come here.

Thinking on it, I can't pick her up anyway. As us two, and all DC won't fit in one car. Plus, it's a 45min drive. I don't mind there and back. But I'd have to repeat it to drop them all home again after, so on reflection, I probably wouldn't do 3 hours of driving with my DC having to come each trip, to make that happen.

No, she doesn't have a partner.

@midnightstar66

To be fair I never invite anyone round to mine. I do host play dates but don't invite friends in. I pay a small fortune to live in a very dated flat in a nice street in a very good school catchment. The kitchen, bathroom and carpets have t been replaced since it was built in 1982 and the carpets especially are absolutely grim. Look stained but are actually just threadbare. The walls are painted with cheap paint and aren't washable. I'm a lone parent on low income. All DD's friends live in large modern houses and have 2 professional parents. I'm way too embarrassed to have anyone round and even if I did I'd have no place for them to sit

A real person wouldn’t judge! I met one of my bestest friends when we young and living in shit conditions... it was obviously easier as we had similar situations we are both friends now till this day! And we laugh about how far we have come. I also have met people a lot less fortunate than myself and I don’t judge because any body’s situation could be changed at any given time. COVID has proved this.

@midnightstar66 I think guests would probably be more welcome more comfortable and have more fun in your home than some people who care more about their scatter cushions than their friendships
Don't put yourself down ... a house is bricks and mortar no matter how much it cost ... ❤️

A real person wouldn’t judge! I met one of my bestest friends when we young and living in shit conditions... it was obviously easier as we had similar situations we are both friends now till this day! And we laugh about how far we have come.

That's a silly comparison. At 18, I lived with 3 friends in a house share in what can only be described as the ghetto . And yes we look back on that with fond memories, laugh at how the fridge was balanced on books and the way we'd pinch each others pot noodles between paydays. Because "look how far we've come".

She's there now.

And no, I wouldn't judge. She's not embarrassed for fear of reactions. She is embarrassed for herself so she wants no one to see. Which is not the same, and I really feel for her on that.

Hm. I was with you right up to the top 2% boast.

Earning in the top 2% and begrudging of a great friend - by your own admission - who’s on her arse.
Ashamed of where she has to live, struggling to make ends meet.

And you continue on how annoyed you are to shout her children ice creams.
This staggers me.
OP - do your friend a favour - and drop her.

Is a fact a boast? I was unaware. If I was in the bottom 2% would that be a fact or "looking for pity?"

It's factual information, in response to a PP looking through old threads to declare I clearly couldn't afford this, as my savings back then were £10k. I responded that our household is top 2% because of DH. I also responded that we love car boots too, because we're both bargain hunters. Is that a boast too?

Sounds like she’s got it really tough right now and so have the kids. So I can’t blame her too much if the only nice thing they get is when you do these things and she thinks you’re ok with it.

I get you resent it, and no one wants to be in her position, there but for the grace of god so to speak but I’d think long and hard about this op, because in reality it doesn’t matter to you financially and she’s likely having such a miserable time of it right now it doesn’t occur to her to offer to weed your path.

And, again, I don't begrudge the money. People keep missing that. This isn't a money thing. It's a manners thing, for want of a better word.

The money isn't the issue. It's the longevity that this has gone on for, without any thought in reciprocation. And again, it's not that I actually want/expect anything back, and certainly not a financial contribution. I just find it (as it seems most PP do) quite niggly that in that whole time, there hasn't been a "you said you can't meet tomorrow because you're painting the fence, do you want a hand?" or a "I've got some free tickets to xyz for all of us"

Ignore that the "thing" I've been doing is financial. Imagine I'd been watching her DC every Friday night for a year because she had a weekly bar shift. No charge, I like doing it, I take my DC and they all play. I'm saving her (over the course of a year) a lot in what would be babysitting fees.

In that year, I don't think it's unreasonable, for her to acknowledge that I've done this for her 52 times, and offer, even once, "if you and DH want a night out, I'm happy to watch your DC"

@Courtney555

A real person wouldn’t judge! I met one of my bestest friends when we young and living in shit conditions... it was obviously easier as we had similar situations we are both friends now till this day! And we laugh about how far we have come.

That's a silly comparison. At 18, I lived with 3 friends in a house share in what can only be described as the ghetto . And yes we look back on that with fond memories, laugh at how the fridge was balanced on books and the way we'd pinch each others pot noodles between paydays. Because "look how far we've come".

She's there now.

And no, I wouldn't judge. She's not embarrassed for fear of reactions. She is embarrassed for herself so she wants no one to see. Which is not the same, and I really feel for her on that.

I actually wasn’t directing it at you. It’s not silly at all. What is silly @Courtney555 is you turning your nose up a sandwiches and refusing other people’s suggestions to your dilemma all you respond to is what you would like your friend to do While I don’t disagree I still think your wrong because your not willing to compromise (mostly likely because you feel it’s beneath you). The amount of excuses on this thread are ridiculous. If your that much of a high earner just got on with it.

Because I couldn’t have a friend like you that had that shit attitude.

@Bluntness100

This is where I argue with myself. She's directing her children to me to turn down, which is starting to grate. But in the bigger picture, if providing that lunch means she's able to afford a better dinner, then I'm ok with that. I don't mind buying them lunch. I mind the lack of acknowledgement, in any form, over the extensive period this has gone on for.

I can't see the problem with you just saying, It's up to your mummy. What's wrong or difficult about saying that? It's the most innocuous thing ever to say.

If you can't, what are you going to say, OP?

The fact that you are top 2% of wealth just highlights a bit more that your expectations of gratitude displayed through gestures and occasional cash are crass. Your friend who you say has been a good friend who hasn’t taken the piss is in the bones of her arse in ways you can’t imagine. You have no thought for the mental load poverty brings and instead google her benefits and wonder how much she has. I have a friend who lives in benefits and I pay every time - she mutters thanks and I tell her to give over and say it’s nice to see her. It is but it’s also nice to look after her a bit - she would do the same if the situation was reversed. Money has huge power if you have non.

I actually find all this really hard to believe it’s just drip drip drip of your wealth, your tastes in luxury pic nics, your good friend’s poverty. There are very easy ways to spend less. You reject the solutions because non of them result in your friend suddenly lauding your generosity via some unspecified graft or gift.

God I am happy to have my easy going and generous friends. Hopefully your friend has some too because you really don’t seem to like her that much.

@drinkstoomuchwine I agree!

I think for me it's the appreciation element.

If she gave you a small bunch of flowers as a thank you once in a while, I'm sure you'd feel better about the situation as currently you feel taken for granted.

Before coronavirus l looked after my friend's DS from 8am - 6.30pm so she could work. They only have a very small income so couldn't pay me, but every now and then she'd bring a bunch of flowers to say thank you or if she did have a little spare cash one month she'd buy me lunch.

I really appreciated it because l knew then that she also appreciated me and what l was doing for them

@QualityFeet

The fact that you are top 2% of wealth just highlights a bit more that your expectations of gratitude displayed through gestures and occasional cash are crass. Your friend who you say has been a good friend who hasn’t taken the piss is in the bones of her arse in ways you can’t imagine. You have no thought for the mental load poverty brings and instead google her benefits and wonder how much she has. I have a friend who lives in benefits and I pay every time - she mutters thanks and I tell her to give over and say it’s nice to see her. It is but it’s also nice to look after her a bit - she would do the same if the situation was reversed. Money has huge power if you have non.

I actually find all this really hard to believe it’s just drip drip drip of your wealth, your tastes in luxury pic nics, your good friend’s poverty. There are very easy ways to spend less. You reject the solutions because non of them result in your friend suddenly lauding your generosity via some unspecified graft or gift.

God I am happy to have my easy going and generous friends. Hopefully your friend has some too because you really don’t seem to like her that much.

This. No wonder her friend darent bring food from home when OP insists on cream and strawberries I’ve heard it all. Worse it isn’t even her wealth it’s her husbands... .

Worse it isn’t even her wealth it’s her husbands

It’s funny the times when the concept of “family money” just disappears....

@Redroses05 you seem to miss that me "eating sandwiches" doesn't address the underlying issue.

It saves me £20 on that day. That's not the problem.

Never mind if your DH disappears into the sunset with his top 2% you can rely on her to buy you a coffee. Every cloud and all that.

I think you're punching down. It sounds like she's in absolute poverty so maybe she has so much more to worry about than good grace. You aren't prepared to slum it a bit to take the pressure off her, so you aren't big on grace either. Boasting or not, your 2% comment was in poor taste given the context.

Stop trying to change your friend. You want her to do this and that, well you can't. If this scenario is remotely true I think you need to listen to the suggestions given but you're not compromising so it is always going to be like this.

Your friend is poor and likely feels powerless and you says she's miserable where she is living and from the sounds of it, that's awful for her. Stop trying to engineer what she should and could be doing. It ain't gonna happen.

I wasn't going to post but the more the OP posts the more I really feel for this friend and wish I could take her out for lunch myself!

OP she clearly isn't in a place where she can offer you anything in return (either financially or emotionally) that sounds understandable given her circumstances so you can either pay happily with no expectations or suck it up and do free stuff. Please don't send that awful text from up thread.

[quote Courtney555]@Redroses05 you seem to miss that me "eating sandwiches" doesn't address the underlying issue.

It saves me £20 on that day. That's not the problem.[/quote]
What do you mean? You BOTH!! Will be eating sandwiches as you will be “cutting back as your trying to save given the current situation” or something along them lines.
Are you deliberately being obtuse. I think you are the one missing everyone else’s points

OP how about something like this

"Can we have slushies?"
"oh let me just check how much cash ive got on me"
then say if slushies come to £12, oh ive only got a £10 note - friend have you got £2?
This will hopefully give her the hint, and just stop offering so much!