Who pays

[Courtney555]

If you were significantly better off than a really good friend, and it made no difference to you, whilst they were on a tight budget, would you always pay for coffees, (non extravagant) lunches etc.

I was going to put circumstances, then realised they were irrelevant as we are both nice, decent people, just one of us is really financially comfortable, and the other, for very genuine reasons, has very little money.

I love going out with her and our DC, we deliberately don't pick places with high entry fees (we both have children), but for example, if we go to the park, I'll buy everyone an ice-cream. If we meet for a Starbucks, I'll get the bill.

It's just kind of every time. And it's bugging me a little. She's not being entitled or a CF who could afford to pick up the whole bill herself. £20 I don't notice on a round of coffee and cake, is a tangible part of her weekly disposable income. I think there's an element that she knows it's negligible to me, so feels quite comfortable about it. And I don't begrudge it, I love her to bits, but when it's every time, I just think, once a month, she could say, "let's split it."

It's never anything over say £30, and I'd hate the thought of saying "shall we go halves" and her to feel obliged, then that was the money for her and DC dinner.

She's not a freeloader, truly, she's not. If it sounds like she is, it's my error in how I've worded this. I'm arguing internally, that, "£20/30 doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"...."but then 5 times a month, that's up to £150, which is a lot for her to be ok with accepting as treats"...."but the spend over a month doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"

So, AIBU. If we have a great time, as do our DC, and it's of immaterial consequence for me to pick up the tab for sundries, and very material for her, do I just keep doing it?

Or, just because it's immaterial, doesn't mean it's ok to keep doing it? Or more to the point, because it's a very material amount to her, should she be ok with accepting it on every occasion.

Myself and a family member have very different views here, would like to see general consensus.

(Quick clause, before this runs off on a stealth boast tangent, I hope people have the clarity to see this is not about being "significantly richer than yow" )

I wouldn't have a problem paying for things if my friend couldn't.
I often do it with my closest friend, as financially I'm in a much fortunate position to her and usually I'm the one inviting her to do things that she may not be able to afford if I didn't offer to pay as my treat. However if you have a problem with it, you need to talk to your friend.

Also adding, I never expect acknowledgment of paying for things. I don't do it to get praise, I do it because I want to.

If you look at it from another angle.How many telling the op to suck it up would do the same.Really and truly.Or if the df in question was expecting the op to fund her nights out.

To me the df should have some pride and tell the op no sometimes.And not be roping her kids in to help guilt trip @Courtney555.

@rayoflightboy

If you look at it from another angle.How many telling the op to suck it up would do the same.Really and truly.Or if the df in question was expecting the op to fund her nights out.

To me the df should have some pride and tell the op no sometimes.And not be roping her kids in to help guilt trip @Courtney555.

I was one saying suck it up and do the free stuff if she doesn't want to pay and yes I do all the time. I have a friend that can't afford to eat out when we do days out, we always do picnics when we go places with her. It's fine. I prefer eating out but I'd rather have the friend company and everyone be happy.

I'd also happily pay for her in a cafe but she wouldn't accept that.

The fact that so many people find real no strings attached generosity so implausible speaks volumes about their ow mindset...

I honestly think you need to stop offering, I assume it's you op that suggests going for these coffees and ice creams etc? Just wrap the day up if you've not intended to eat out, both go home and eat! If however your friend is the one saying oh let's go and get a coffee then why don't you say you know what, I think I left my purse at home!

OP the fact that she is too embarassed to allow anyone into her house speaks volumes about where she is mentally right now. If it's local authority/housing ass. it's likely to not have carpet as I believe you have to remove flooring (our council house certainly had no flooring and the decor was vile nicotine stained, woodchip wallpaper. She can't offer to come and help you with projects at home as she has no money to put petrol in the car, plus if your DH is in the top 2% I presume you have a nice house? Maybe she can't face coming to you as it makes her realise what she doesn't have? She can't/won't even offer to get the icecreams etc as she can't follow through with it. I know you say you don't want or expect this but she doesn't know this. It's been asked several times but I can't see the answer - is the £150 just for her portion of the days out or for all of you?
She doesn't want to say no as she doesn't want to be the killjoy for your DC because she can't afford it and you can. Next time just say no, or gently raise that issue with her before hand?
"Could you not say maybe and direct the DC in my direction, as I don't feel I can say no". If you directly raise the issue of her not paying, you run the risk of her being absolutely mortified and too embarassed to see you anymore. Although as your posts have gone on, I'm not actually to sure you would be that bothered. Happy to apologise if I'm wrong though

@Hangingwithmygnomies

She doesn't want to say no as she doesn't want to be the killjoy for your DC because she can't afford it and you can.

I disagree. It’s very clear that she wants the treats for her DC or doesn’t want to be the one to say no. I don’t think OP’s dc doing without are her motivating factor here.

So let me get this straight? You’re significantly wealthier than your good friend. Your money/ lifestyle is via your husband (so it’s not your hard earned money). The 150 quid is negligible to you. Your friend isn’t in a good spot.

And you begrudge what you’re doing?

Definite YABU. Proper friendships are about being there for one another. And if circumstances are such that your life (financially) is amazing, why wouldn’t you happily share some of that with your friend?

My best friend hit a rough patch 18 months ago and I helped her every way I could. Nothing I did is anything I begrudge. Because if the situations were reversed? She would have done the exact same for me.

If you’re fortunate enough to be financially secure, use it to help those you love. Don’t be mean. Because let me tell you, it doesn’t take long for life to come sweeping through like a maelstrom and circumstances to change. Good friends who you stood by will be there come thick or thin.

Actually all that is a complete waste of money when she's so broke. I think I'd rather buy her a rug one month and a few pots of paint another month. If you're going to spend £150 there are far better things to spend it on.

Has she checked she's getting everything she's entitled to? Given her rent is paid in full before she gets any other benefits, why is she so broke?

@sassbott

Your money/ lifestyle is via your husband (so it’s not your hard earned money).

What a nasty, sexist assumption. I don’t think OP is a SAHM but even if she was she has earned that money by taking care of the kids do her husband can work.

She says upthread that her money is via her husband. How else am I meant to interpret that? If I’ve got it wrong I apologise.

But my wider stance stands. I simply don’t understand people who are financially immensely secure and then begrudge spending money on someone they call a close friend?

If the OP hates it. Stop doing it. This isn’t rocket science is it?

@sassbot Can you quote the post?

OP has explained a bazillion times that she doesn't begrudge the money. Have you read the thread? She literally explained it a dozen times.

Why do I need to quote it? If you’ve read the thread then you can see where the OP clearly wrote it (along with the 2% comment)

And if the OP didn’t begrudge it, why is this thread even here?

Because the thread has over 600 + posts. If you want to refer to a comment you should quote it otherwise you could be making it up.

I just started reading this thread, am still in the Monday comments. One thing I just can't understand OP is am surprised you both are even friends? Is that the only friend you have that has children and that's why you have kept this friendship for the sake of your DC?
Seems like you both have 2 different lifestyle, if I was in your friends situation, I would find it hard to be friends with someone like yourself and vice versa.
You made it the norm by paying for everything every single time. Your friend unfortunately allows it, I can't ever imagine allowing someone to continually pay for myself and my dc. That's embarrassing, and what example is it setting for her kids and yours.
You need to either say something nicely or just make your outings shorter, see each other straight after breakfast and home before lunch or see her after lunch. And take snacks for your dc, for if they get thirsty or hungry. Maybe make some comments about how your finances have changed. Learn to say no to the dc, make whatever excuse you have to.

She obviously is embarrassed by her house which is why she doesnt allow you to come over. She is being a cf by not sparing a fiver once a month.

@Courtney555

Yes Warsaw, that's exactly how I feel. Just that she's the one that I feel should be suggesting the lowest cost alternative because at the moment, she's the one not being able to drive to mine, and isn't comfortable in her new house, so it's at her choice that we're "out' on each occasion.

And too the dear poster who felt it necessary to trawl through other threads to find out the savings I had at that point. Oh dear. My money is via my husband. And not your concern.

@cadent

OP openly used those words. It sounds like it’s joint/family money, not that it’s relevant really but @sassbott wasn’t making it up!

OP, how old are the children that are asking for lunch or ice cream or whatever? I think you can angle it gently and redirect back to mum to give the final reply.

I think assuming the friend is embarrassed by her house is not necessarily right. It’s all relative.

I live in a small terrace whereas one friend lives in a huge detached house in Surrey. I don’t care. I have another friend who is renting 1 bed flat with a husband and 2 kids. Again I don’t care and neither does she. We all meet up in each others homes.

I’m not saying it duesnt batter every time but I think assuming she’s embarrassed may be wrong.

Thanks @Haenow I remember now. Although my point about SAHMs stands.

I don’t care about your point. The OP does begrudge her spending on her friend.

I say YABU.

If my friend ever found me writing a thread like this about her (or if situations were reversed and I read a thread like this), I would fully expect the friendship to be over.

If you are fortunate enough to have it. Share it with those you love. If you don’t want to share, then don’t. It’s really that simple in my world.

Why not get to the swimming pools before your friend, that way you've already entered and payed your and your dc fees, when friend later arrives will then be left to pay for herself and her child. Problem solved

@sassbott she doesn’t begrudge the money. It’s the lack of reciprocity in any way and the expectation that OP will pay that is the issue here. As proven by the fact OP said is going to keep on paying on a monthly basis

I don’t care about your point

That’s evident by the fact that you say you’ve RTFT and yet haven’t grasped the central point which is that she doesn’t begrudge the money

Wow just gets better with your update. If your wealth is in the top 2%, do something useful and help your poor friend out. Starting to understand why your friend never pays or does anything** nice gestures for you. She knows how you are as a person and what you like, she obviously feels there's nothing she can do that will match your high expectation.

@Cadent there will be nothing for OPs friend to be grateful about if OPs accepts that her friend cannot keep up with her life style. Maybe OP will feel more appreciated if she takes snacks from her own house and her friend can do the same. It doesn’t make sense what OP is saying. OP doesn’t really seem to know her “friend” that well people have asked questions on this thread of how long it has been going on for?. I cannot imagine anybody suggesting to go out for coffee on a regular basis knowingly their hours have been cut and they have no money. In OPs originally post she did state her friend had good manners and was grateful.... as the threads gone on it seems OP has had a change of heart.

Why is OPs friend struggling to this extent??

@Cadent she doesn't want to be the one to say no and give the reason she's got no money, see their upset and make her feel even worse. I'm not saying that it's right of the friend to do that though and it's not something I would do, just offering a different view point. OP's first post was long the lines of what a dear friend she is and how much she loves her and later posts have a very different tone. OP says she doesn't begrudge paying but I'm not sure how she expects her friend to offer even £10 towards it or put petrol in the car to come and offer to help gardening or whatever. From what OP has said, her friend is on her knees broke.

@MinervaSaidThar OP said her friend won't even let her own Mum in the house as she hates where she lives, so I think it's a fairly safe assumption