To resent DH for cherry picking the one job he is interested in doing?

[InkyIrina]

I've read lots of similar posts over the past few weeks, however mine is a bit different so I want to know if IABU.

The past three months DH has sat upstairs 'working' full time. I say working, some days he openly admits he does nothing at all, most days he is doing some work but i can see that he is also sat on social media and playing games too for a lot of time.

I am downstairs everyday working part time, looking after our two young children, homeschooling, doing everything around the house. Come 5pm, he floats downstairs, watches me cook dinner, sort the children out with baths, bed, then come 7pm he wants to sit downstairs by himself so he can have some relaxing time.

What it comes down to is all he does is work, nothing else. He barely does anything with the children, will never play with them and I do everything for them.

Here is the thing that makes me angry. Come September he will undoubtedly pop up again ready to do the school run. The ONLY thing he ever wants to do (because he wants to socialise himself I think).

Would I be unreasonable to say NO? He is not stepping back in after not showing any interest for months. I am not saying he is not allowed to go, he can tag along if he wants, but I will be carrying on what I have been doing for 6 months by then.

Leave him, honestly just leave him. You will be 100 percent happier, less stressed, less resentful, and your children won't be taught damaging lessons about relationships.

Why aren't you changing this situation now?? He is pissing about upstairs while you work and look after all the children's needs all day and evening. Why aren't you challenging this shit life??

I think you would be unreasonable to not say anything about how you're feeling until September, then wait for him to bring it up and then get upset. You wouldnt be unreasonable in bringing it all up now and having a proper discussion about it. Why does he feel it's ok for him not to do his share of household tasks and childcare? Why does he think it's ok for you to pick up his share? Does he realise the resentment at doing everything is going to kill your relationship? What's his suggestions on how to make things more fair?

Or, sit down and list all the jobs that need doing in the house. Include seasonal jobs such as garden and windows.
Allocate times to those jobs.
Then list all you do and all he does in a week. Allocate the appropriate times. Including school runs.
Take into account your job hours.
If that does not shame him into doing more and dividing up chores better.
Leave him

Ywnbu. If he offers in Sept todo the school run just say he can tag along, if he questions why be blunt, tell him hes done fuck all with the kids since March and he doesn't get to cherry pick which parenting he does whilst leaving you to do the rest, if he wants to start doing something with them now he can start with bath time!

Splitting tasks based on personal preferences can work well, but it sounds like he does nothing.

Time to implement a rota.

You mean STBEXH, right?

The question is, why on earth are you still planning to be in this marriage by September? Raise your standards and expectations OP!

Cherry picking!
Ok what you need to start doing right now today is say to him
X and X needs to be done before x o’clock which one do you want to?
Great we can sit down earlier and watch x then
Every day give him a choice of tasks to do
I knew what my ex would choose so I used to present the choice so he would do the one I wasn’t keen on

Umm why are you letting him get away with doing all this? You aren’t unreasonable to say no to the school run but I don’t understand why you’d say no to that and not to the rest of it?

I'd be writing a list of all the jobs you do and then splitting them I half depending on who can do what, and when. Then I'd sit down and tell him he needs to buck his ideas up.

As for the school run, yeah of course he can do this, alongside making tea 4 times a week, plus washing it all up. Bedtime routines 3 times a week inc bath and books. Hoovering, dusting, cleaning the bathroom etc etc.

Op you life would become so much easier with one less child (your dh) to look after

YANBU to be resentful but I don't understand why you are approaching it this way

As others said, you should be addressing this head-on now.

Why is he watching you cook dinner when his workday is over?

Leave him, honestly just leave him.

just because some people are bitterly single...

I know and I was expecting these responses. Believe me, I tell him this almost daily but in the end I knew nothing was going to change and it was making me unhappy, so I have stopped trying. He would also turn it round and act like I was being ungrateful because he had worked all day.

I just wanted to check that I wouldn't be being controlling by taking the school run off him as such? I know he will be furious with me at the time

YABU to put up with this. Men only act like this because women like you allow them to.

What's the point in being in a relationship with him. ?He does nothing around the house or with the children. From the sound of it, he's not even a desent bit of company for you. You seriously need to re-think this relationship op.

In the meantime stop being a martyr and tell him straight that he needs to do more. Your not his mother or his maid. Grow a back bone.

It's not controlling but basically you'd be telling him that the little he actually does do isn't needed either. Therefore he'll be even less inclined to help out in other ways in the future.

If you don't want to address the issue of fairness of tasks, the just tell him the truth.

'You do sod all house work or parenting, so no, you don't get to pick and choose what you want to do. As I do it ALL I get dibs on the decent jobs, I'll be doing the school run in the future.'

Honestly it's not controlling but it is game playing and who has time for that? What does he actually bring to your life? He's taking the absolute piss - I'm furious at him and I don't have to deal with him.

He's also setting very poor standards for your children. If they are boys they will learn to expect the same of their own wife's, if they're girls they will learn to expect to do everything for their husbands too.

Tell him to sort himself out of you'll be leaving. Selfish, self absorbed idiot.

I actually agree with PP, tell him this or that needs to be done, which does he want to do.

Tell him he’s cooking dinner. Don’t ask him. And if he refuses cook for yourself and the kids. And tell him sex is off the menu because you’re too tired.

As for doing school runs why don’t you let him go ahead and you have this time for you. You don’t have to do everything - you’re just used to doing it and he’s acting as if you’re his mother.

Tell him to pull his finger out or you’ll be slowing down.

This is such a common scenario. Come on OP, you can't sulk in silence until September. Marriage and parenting takes communication. You need to talk to your DH and TELL him what you are feeling NOW, not keep stoking the embers of resentment and carrying on as you are.

Yes, he's being a lazy arse, but don't continue to enable that. If he's got time to be messing around on Facebook then he's got time to stick a wash on, or hang it out, or make lunch for the kids, just ask him to do it.

How on earth you manage to get through each day without exploding, I have no idea.

YANBU to be pissed off, but why are you letting things continue like this? If he’s said he would turn it around he must have acknowledged that there was an issue, so he needs to do something about it.

Why are you married to someone who contributes nothing to the household or as a parent?

Op your focus is all wrong

But picking up the specific question you ask about the school run.... don’t be daft! Won’t that just be cutting your nose off to spite your face?!

Therefore he'll be even less inclined to help out in other ways in the future.

Help out?