To resent DH for cherry picking the one job he is interested in doing?

[InkyIrina]

I've read lots of similar posts over the past few weeks, however mine is a bit different so I want to know if IABU.

The past three months DH has sat upstairs 'working' full time. I say working, some days he openly admits he does nothing at all, most days he is doing some work but i can see that he is also sat on social media and playing games too for a lot of time.

I am downstairs everyday working part time, looking after our two young children, homeschooling, doing everything around the house. Come 5pm, he floats downstairs, watches me cook dinner, sort the children out with baths, bed, then come 7pm he wants to sit downstairs by himself so he can have some relaxing time.

What it comes down to is all he does is work, nothing else. He barely does anything with the children, will never play with them and I do everything for them.

Here is the thing that makes me angry. Come September he will undoubtedly pop up again ready to do the school run. The ONLY thing he ever wants to do (because he wants to socialise himself I think).

Would I be unreasonable to say NO? He is not stepping back in after not showing any interest for months. I am not saying he is not allowed to go, he can tag along if he wants, but I will be carrying on what I have been doing for 6 months by then.

[quote ChaosRising]@Tootletum. I wish I'd had the guts! Wfh part-time here, DH full-time.

Until we arranged alternative childcare, I was trying to teach classes online with 20 students with toddler interruptions every 2 minutes, my hair being pulled, my laptop lid being closed and classes cut off...It was impossible! I was completely broken after just two days of trying to be professional and deal with DC at the same time, having been up all night prepping and marking.

While DH sat upstairs working and making his calls in peace and quiet in our home office....When I heard him laughing and joking with colleagues and saying that it was 'nice to see a bit more of DC', my blood pressure went through the roof!

I absolutely flipped at him and he did end up rearranging work to take DS during my class hours. Then we got someone in till DC went back to childcare, since he couldn't cope even doing that...Pathetic![/quote]
And you're still with him because....?

I was going to say "why are you with this lazy arse" but seeing this:

He just turns it round and says that I'm being ungrateful as he's working all day

So the quesiton is why are you with this lying, lazy arse?

Your choices are either spend your life living like this or let him leave. And don't underestimate the stress on you of living like this in a dysfunctional relationship or the impact on your children learning that this is how men behave and this is what women put up with.

@InkyIrina

I have told him, daily but if I push it too much and he actually has to give the children a bath he will get the rage and threaten to leave.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation.

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer and told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid.

Where is your anger? Op Jesus Im raging on your behalf!

@Tootletum

Fucking brilliant

This utterly baffles me - why are women putting up with such shit situations?

My situation is similar in that DH is full-time wfh atm & I am part-time wfh. Two DC (2&5). Since the beginning we have split the week/days. On my work days DH works upstairs in the morning till 1pm; I look after the DC/schooling & do their & my lunch. At 12 I put DS to nap & at 1pm I start work upstairs, whilst DD eats lunch. DH takes over childcare at 2pm whilst I work. He cooks dinner & I finish work. After dinner he gives the DC a bath whilst I sort out the bedrooms & any washing. We then alternate which child we put to bed then have the rest of the evening together to talk, relax, watch tv etc. On my days off I do all the childcare care & schooling, cook dinner whilst he works upstairs & we do our normal bedtime routine as above. DH is also the one who wakes early with the children whilst I can ready alone.
Last week DD started back at school 4 days a week so now we have the school run but we split that too. That is an equitable split of two partners. It shocks me that this isn't the norm.

@TheIneBriati Thank you. No, just leaving is not as simple as it sounds. I have no life, I have nothing. I have no money or home in my name. One of my children has special needs so it.limits the amount I can work as I cannot use childcare. I would be in an even worse situation.

For those of you saying to set him straight - again, it's not that easy. He turns very nasty at the flip of a switch, turns everything around and makes everything worse. Again, he will tell me to leave in front of our two young children for even the slightest thing I disagree with him on. So I back down and apologise because again, I have no money or access to anything.

To make it worse, he comes across to friends and family like the most kind and caring person, eould do anything for anyone. I don't think anyone, not even my own mother would believe me if I told them this.

He’s not pissing about upstairs. He’s working. Sometimes I don’t do much in a day but I can’t leave my desk.

Just read the bit about him refusing to bath his own DC FFS.

Call his bluff.

You will have much more time as you won't be running around after him like a maid.

DC will have a better role model in you.

I would get your ducks in a row - find out what you;re entitled to financially etc.

@heyheyho thank you for the unhelpful comment but even he jokes on some entire weeks that he hasn't done a thing.

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer and told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid.

This is how he sees you. Please, please stop catering to this useless manchild. Raise your standard and believe - really believe - that you and the children deserve better.

I would rather be on my own than deal with this shit. Stand up for yourself. Demand better for yourself. I'm am so angry on your behalf!

Again, he will tell me to leave in front of our two young children for even the slightest thing I disagree with him on. So I back down and apologise because again, I have no money or access to anything.

Leave him to it for a week and perhaps come back when he had a bit of an appreciation of what needs to be done for family life.

@heyheyho

He’s not pissing about upstairs. He’s working. Sometimes I don’t do much in a day but I can’t leave my desk.

even when he readily says he's done NOTHING?

Legally he will have to support his DC financially and joint assets including properties will be split between you both even if these are not in your name as long as these were purchased after marriage.

Call a solicitor to find out more - some offer free half hour consultations.

Tootletum

You are a star! I love it!

OP - I'm sorry you are being treated so badly but worried that you lack confidence or feel scared of your 'D'H. Please don't let this continue - you deserve more and I think there are many more issues to tackle than the school run.

Have you got parents and family you could talk to?

I agree with everyone saying this man is useless, but often leaving is quite a difficult decision to make. So it's fine for the OP to take some time to decide what she wants to do and that doesn't make her weak. Leaving takes a lot of emotional strength and energy which the OP might not have at the moment with everything else she has to deal with. It's not going to make life easier in the short-term, although it would probably be worth it long-term.

Nor is the OP stupid for having DC with this man - often men don't show their true colours pre-children since life is much more carefree for everyone and there's something about maternity leave which often leads to all childcare and domestic responsibilities being shoved onto the woman. The truth is that parenting requires adults to step up in a way they couldn't have envisaged before children, and quite often one parent (usually the man) fails to step up. If, after arguments, there is no improvement, the woman has the tough choice to make about whether to tolerate this or to become a single parent with all its difficulties.

[quote InkyIrina]@TheIneBriati Thank you. No, just leaving is not as simple as it sounds. I have no life, I have nothing. I have no money or home in my name. One of my children has special needs so it.limits the amount I can work as I cannot use childcare. I would be in an even worse situation.

For those of you saying to set him straight - again, it's not that easy. He turns very nasty at the flip of a switch, turns everything around and makes everything worse. Again, he will tell me to leave in front of our two young children for even the slightest thing I disagree with him on. So I back down and apologise because again, I have no money or access to anything.

To make it worse, he comes across to friends and family like the most kind and caring person, eould do anything for anyone. I don't think anyone, not even my own mother would believe me if I told them this.[/quote]
you are in an abusive relationship love. please use all the resources out there to get yourself away from him, get him out of your life. You will not be the first nor the last to be in the situation you are in, and if you are married you have more rights than others who don't.

you can not stay in this. you know you can't, so make whatever move is needed to get out

@InkyIrina

I have told him, daily but if I push it too much and he actually has to give the children a bath he will get the rage and threaten to leave.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation.

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer and told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid.

I would have said 2 things Next time he says he's going to leave my reply would be..." leave?? I thought you already had as you do nothing here. Off you go then and that'll be one less child for me to pick up after".

To the second thing I would reply " No I won't leave it there. If you want it it will be downstairs in the bin and did your mother never teach you any manners? Your too old to be acting like a surly teen so grow up or at least pretend to be a man".

My gosh op. I've seen this in so many women it's starting to get abit annoying. Its not your husband you need to focus on changing here, because that's out of your control and is down to him. In fact its YOU that needs to change your behaviour. Stop catering for him, stop allowing this laziness. If you dont bring food to him he will have to get it, if you dont cook he will have to take some initiative and do it himself. By doing it all for him your enabling this. I've experienced this first hand from my parents relationship. Want a change, then change it! If he thinks your being ungrateful by complaining maybe once you withdraw all your hard work from him he will realise how unappreciative and ungrateful he is being. Because right now he just expects from you. Doesnt even say thankyou when you cook him a meal. Your clearly not going to leave him, but some re evaluating and healthy changes definitely need to be made to this from your end because he is too comfortable with the way thinks are and wont bother, otherwise your looking at a lifetime of this but only getting worse.

@Mamia15 I have no family nearby so I am very much alone. Like I said, I'm not sure if I told anyone they would even believe me. Or like some people on here would think I was stupid for putting up with it.

I wouldn’t be afraid of a little nastiness. Stop backing down. Stop apologising. You need to stand up for yourself and your children. If you can’t leave, then tell him to leave. Have the police remove him if you need to.

What do you mean you have no access to money? You work part time, where does that money go? Even if it now goes to his account, just call work and redirect pay cheques to an account in your name.

He can't be working 24/7, 7 days a week! You say he admits to sometimes doing no work.

Organise your days so that you have some time to yourself, even go out if you want to as you are allowed to now.

Your husband is a part time parent and it is just not good enough.

Why do you have no money or access?
That is ridiculous

Luckily you are married. Go see a lawyer.
Find out your rights in a divorce.

You can get childcare for dc with SN absolutely I did. Complex SN ASD etc. How severe? How old Are you under children with disabilities social work team?

In any case for his well being he should not sit all day at desk w f h
Essential to take a break. To make his own lunch for a start.
Does he earn loads of money?
Where does it go?
Why don't you have access?

There is so much wrong.

Move him out

Please

For those of you saying to set him straight - again, it's not that easy. He turns very nasty at the flip of a switch, turns everything around and makes everything worse. Again, he will tell me to leave in front of our two young children for even the slightest thing I disagree with him on. So I back down and apologise because again, I have no money or access to anything.

Sorry, posted without reading your update. This changes things...He does sound emotionally abusive, not just useless and lazy. You should try to get some advice as to your entitlement to benefits and child maintenance if you did leave him. If you had an idea about what support you would be entitled to and how you would manage without him, you might feel in a better place to start planning your exit strategy. Sounds like he's dragging you down and is going to start making the DC unhappy.