To resent DH for cherry picking the one job he is interested in doing?

[InkyIrina]

I've read lots of similar posts over the past few weeks, however mine is a bit different so I want to know if IABU.

The past three months DH has sat upstairs 'working' full time. I say working, some days he openly admits he does nothing at all, most days he is doing some work but i can see that he is also sat on social media and playing games too for a lot of time.

I am downstairs everyday working part time, looking after our two young children, homeschooling, doing everything around the house. Come 5pm, he floats downstairs, watches me cook dinner, sort the children out with baths, bed, then come 7pm he wants to sit downstairs by himself so he can have some relaxing time.

What it comes down to is all he does is work, nothing else. He barely does anything with the children, will never play with them and I do everything for them.

Here is the thing that makes me angry. Come September he will undoubtedly pop up again ready to do the school run. The ONLY thing he ever wants to do (because he wants to socialise himself I think).

Would I be unreasonable to say NO? He is not stepping back in after not showing any interest for months. I am not saying he is not allowed to go, he can tag along if he wants, but I will be carrying on what I have been doing for 6 months by then.

Wait, you're on MN complaining about your slack arsed entitled husband then you take him lunch so he doesn't have to lift a finger? What would he have done if you hadn't served him? He would have come to the kitchen maybe and sorted himself out.

He needs a wake up call. He's not listening to you or taking you seriously and you're allowing some of it to carry on. Has it always been like this? Don't wait until Sept. to deal properly with this. It ain't just about the school run. Up the ante now!

@Tootletum

You rule!

I’ve had numerous conversations with dh about how little weight he was pulling under the guise of working all day.

But even he was doing more than your husband - taking over with the kids when he could (1 hr a day), doing some housework in the evening, and he legitimately does have a lot of work to do.

Ask him to change and co parent 50/50 or leave.

@ChaosRising I have to say I was a bit mortified at the time. I did not realise there were 29 people on the call...still, it means when he says he can't make a meeting due to childcare, he has absolutely no problem getting them to agree to move it!!

YABU to

1. Let this continue and your resentment build up
2. your solution of taking away the few or one thing he does will just make things worse not better. Are you a glutton for punishment? Aiming for martyrdom? You are being complicit and supporting his behaviour by taking on everything and then being resentful. You need to sit down and draw up a rota of who is doing what during the upcoming week.

For example,

1. After 5pm. He needs to either cook dinner and do dishes or do the bath/bedtime routine.
2. Since his work is not busy all day long, he needs to handle his own lunch at the very least.
3. If he knows ahead of time that he will have a quiet morning or afternoon, he needs to book in Daddy Lesson Time and do a bit of homeschooling. Since schools are mostly done for summer these can be nonacademic in nature but teach practical skills. Like garden work, light DIY, etc.

if I push it too much and he actually has to give the children a bath he will get the rage and threaten to leave

Tell him that would be a bonus, because at least you'd have a bit less work to do!

Another bloke who treats his wife life a servant. Raise your standards, think about what your DC are seeing, you have no life. As for taking up his lunch....really? Stop doing this for him.

Mumsnet actually depresses me with how many women have such low, low standards when it comes to ‘partners’ and ‘fathers’. If he doesn’t father your children, should we really be calling him a father anyway? I certainly wouldn’t call him a partner. It honestly makes me so sad this whole ‘oh yeah, I know my life’s shit and my ‘partnership’ is a total joke and I’m being walked all over and I should leave BUT what do you guys think if I do this pointless passive-aggressive thing instead which isn’t going to fix any of my problems but might make me feel marginally empowered for a day or two?’ Christ!

Men only act like this because women like you allow them to

Why don’t you just go out and leave him with the DC? You have created this situation by leaving him with no responsibility for his DC.
The September school run is a red herring. How on earth can he step up to more tasks when it sounds like you do everything, albeit accompanied by moaning.
Does not sound a great environment for the DC.

@Tootletum

I had a similar issue for a while at the start of lockdown. I am also working full-time, three kids downstairs yelling about something, I had to go down every 10 minutes, while he sat on five hours of consecutive calls with his video on the entire time. I told him this was not acceptable, he claimed he would be able to help from two PM. 2 PM rolls around. He's still on a call. Toddler stats shouting again, and he waves his hand at me to fix it. I'll tell you how I fixed it: I shouted right in his face with his video and audio still running: "this is complete bullshit, I've got a job too, you don't just choose when you feel like being a father and you need to manage your calls and your stakeholders. I'm your wife, not your servant and you have your priorities all wrong, get a fucking grip". He had in all this ranting failed to switch off the audio, and he has NEVER dared to take the piss like that again. He's also still trying to live it down in front of his colleagues.

You need to become an agony aunt for women with useless husbands/partners. You rock. 😁

@Tootletum

I had a similar issue for a while at the start of lockdown. I am also working full-time, three kids downstairs yelling about something, I had to go down every 10 minutes, while he sat on five hours of consecutive calls with his video on the entire time. I told him this was not acceptable, he claimed he would be able to help from two PM. 2 PM rolls around. He's still on a call. Toddler stats shouting again, and he waves his hand at me to fix it. I'll tell you how I fixed it: I shouted right in his face with his video and audio still running: "this is complete bullshit, I've got a job too, you don't just choose when you feel like being a father and you need to manage your calls and your stakeholders. I'm your wife, not your servant and you have your priorities all wrong, get a fucking grip". He had in all this ranting failed to switch off the audio, and he has NEVER dared to take the piss like that again. He's also still trying to live it down in front of his colleagues.

I actually love this!

it means when he says he can't make a meeting due to childcare, he has absolutely no problem getting them to agree to move it!!

That’s because they’re probably all terrified of crossing you. 🤣

You take him his lunch? Girl sort it out! You are NOT a bystander in your own life. No no no. He does nothing for his family? You do NOTHING for him. Not one little thing.

Have you thought about counselling for yourself - why do you feel so disempowered? What kind of relationships did you see in family growing up? Why do you feel unable to speak up in your marriage?

I personally work with people who are on ~£1m salary who do plenty more than him at home. What is his blooming excuse?? What a useless bum.

You deserve better than this

@Tootletum. I wish I'd had the guts! Wfh part-time here, DH full-time.

Until we arranged alternative childcare, I was trying to teach classes online with 20 students with toddler interruptions every 2 minutes, my hair being pulled, my laptop lid being closed and classes cut off...It was impossible! I was completely broken after just two days of trying to be professional and deal with DC at the same time, having been up all night prepping and marking.

While DH sat upstairs working and making his calls in peace and quiet in our home office....When I heard him laughing and joking with colleagues and saying that it was 'nice to see a bit more of DC', my blood pressure went through the roof!

I absolutely flipped at him and he did end up rearranging work to take DS during my class hours. Then we got someone in till DC went back to childcare, since he couldn't cope even doing that...Pathetic!

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer and told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid - you are your own worst enemy here. Why are you taking him lunch up? Don't. I'm sure he knows where the fridge is if he gets hungry.

Stop enabling him.

Wow you are married to a really lazy bloke - why do you put up with it?

@InkyIrina

The taking him lunch/coffee/anything has to stop. That's 10 minutes of time you could have for yourself - why spend it on him?

You sound like his very tired mummy..... as someone else said - stop enabling him - he is very lazy and you let him treat you like the maid/housekeeper/childminder does he also decide when you have sex?

Men only act like this because women like you allow them to

Thats not true. Men act like this because they feel they are entitled to, and they are prepared to wage war on the people they claim to love to get their own way.
Lets not fall into the trap of victim blaming. OP has said he gets nasty. Leaving is not as easy as picking up the keys to your new place and walking out, or more women would do it.

He needs to do 50% of the jobs and stop hiding behind a "full time" job.

I dunno why you and he are fighting over doing the school run though - how is that a "nice" job? I'd be delighted to let DH deal with all the bitchy mothers!

@Phrowzunn

YOur comment nailed it. Just in case the OP hasn't read it and for any other 'wife's/mums/partners' who ALLOW their OH to behave like this and then have a moan now and again/daily etc just stop it!
"Phrowzunn Mon 29-Jun-20 12:32:53
Mumsnet actually depresses me with how many women have such low, low standards when it comes to ‘partners’ and ‘fathers’. If he doesn’t father your children, should we really be calling him a father anyway? I certainly wouldn’t call him a partner. It honestly makes me so sad this whole ‘oh yeah, I know my life’s shit and my ‘partnership’ is a total joke and I’m being walked all over and I should leave BUT what do you guys think if I do this pointless passive-aggressive thing instead which isn’t going to fix any of my problems but might make me feel marginally empowered for a day or two?’ hmm Christ!"

@Tootletum

I had a similar issue for a while at the start of lockdown. I am also working full-time, three kids downstairs yelling about something, I had to go down every 10 minutes, while he sat on five hours of consecutive calls with his video on the entire time. I told him this was not acceptable, he claimed he would be able to help from two PM. 2 PM rolls around. He's still on a call. Toddler stats shouting again, and he waves his hand at me to fix it. I'll tell you how I fixed it: I shouted right in his face with his video and audio still running: "this is complete bullshit, I've got a job too, you don't just choose when you feel like being a father and you need to manage your calls and your stakeholders. I'm your wife, not your servant and you have your priorities all wrong, get a fucking grip". He had in all this ranting failed to switch off the audio, and he has NEVER dared to take the piss like that again. He's also still trying to live it down in front of his colleagues.

You rock!!

OP - stop making his fucking lunch.

Stop doing his chores.
He can do his own meals, laundry etc.
In fact, LTB.

What must your DC be learning from you both?

@InkyIrina

I have told him, daily but if I push it too much and he actually has to give the children a bath he will get the rage and threaten to leave.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation.

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer and told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid.

Ok stop right there for a second.

You push him to do ONE thing, say give the kids a bath, and he threatens to leave?

Think about this for a second...

What exactly in your life will become more difficult if he DID leave? You'd not have to bother with his lunch for one...

Tell him to do his share and if he doesn't like it and threatens to leave, LET HIM. In fact MAKE HIM GO!

He is banking on your fear of abandonment being enough of a get out of jail free card for him.

I'm in my 50s so this shit is far easier to see when you've been around the block a bit and dealt with manipulative idiots

My method to deal with those who give me a threat to do what they want me to do and I don't OR they will do ? Fill yer boots mate! you won't win anything by threatening me.

Go nuclear option with people like this. every. time.