To resent DH for cherry picking the one job he is interested in doing?

[InkyIrina]

I've read lots of similar posts over the past few weeks, however mine is a bit different so I want to know if IABU.

The past three months DH has sat upstairs 'working' full time. I say working, some days he openly admits he does nothing at all, most days he is doing some work but i can see that he is also sat on social media and playing games too for a lot of time.

I am downstairs everyday working part time, looking after our two young children, homeschooling, doing everything around the house. Come 5pm, he floats downstairs, watches me cook dinner, sort the children out with baths, bed, then come 7pm he wants to sit downstairs by himself so he can have some relaxing time.

What it comes down to is all he does is work, nothing else. He barely does anything with the children, will never play with them and I do everything for them.

Here is the thing that makes me angry. Come September he will undoubtedly pop up again ready to do the school run. The ONLY thing he ever wants to do (because he wants to socialise himself I think).

Would I be unreasonable to say NO? He is not stepping back in after not showing any interest for months. I am not saying he is not allowed to go, he can tag along if he wants, but I will be carrying on what I have been doing for 6 months by then.

[quote Thelnebriati]@InkyIrina Lovey, you are at that stage of the process where you have selective hearing. You are still at the stage where leaving is so scary you cant see the other side, so staying seems safer. He gradually chips away at your boundaries and erodes your sense of self, so you forget who you are.

Maybe you arent ready to hear it yet but I'm going to say it again;

Please contact the helpline right now and get some moral support. Do it now, pick up the phone and call them. Its free. They wont judge you or tell you what to do.
Refuge - freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline
0808 2000 247

They wont tell you to leave, they wont tell you what to do. They will give you support and advice, and they might be able to get you legal advice.
Maybe even a set of keys so you can escape when you are ready.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/[/quote]
This is perfect advice

Op, why don’t you repost on relationships board. In common with so many women, your AIBU has actually shown that you are in an unpleasant and abusive Relationship. These idiots wear you down and follow a script to keep you in place and at their demand. Leaving you feeling that no one will believe you if you reach out for help.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

And it isn’t as easy as just LTB.

You need specialist, knowledgeable help. There are so many amazing posters on the relationships board, many who have been in your exact situation and have got, or are getting themselves out into the sunshine of a new life without some arsehole grinding them down.

Good luck and take care.

@heyheyho

He’s not pissing about upstairs. He’s working. Sometimes I don’t do much in a day but I can’t leave my desk

Are you kidding? Have you read the thread. He has admitted to doing nothing on some days when he is meant to be working. He a lazy git who does nothing with his children. And he's a verbally abusive pig (in front of the children too). But, I suppose you think that's ok. Unbelievable.

Oh OP

I've just read your updates. Threatening to leave infront of your childen, rages, not giving you equal access to money, treating you like a servant, is all abusive. You shouldn't feel like you can't tell anyone - it's not your fault. He sounds horrible. You need to speak to womens aid or try and get some other advice about what help is available to you. And it doesn't matter if not everything is in your name if you divorced- legally its half yours

To make it worse, he comes across to friends and family like the most kind and caring person, would do anything for anyone. I don't think anyone, not even my own mother would believe me if I told them this

Easily solved: call someone from your mobile phone, enter the room he is in and ask him to give the DC their bath or whatever chore. The person you are calling will hear his reaction.

Oh dear. Slavery is illegal. You are not a slave. . He has a responsibility towards you and his children. He s not pulling his weight. He is emotionallyand financially abusive. Women in your shoes so often think they won’t be believed but actually lots of people know what a knob looks like when it’s waved in front of their face.
Speakto him tonight. Tell him that he has been behaving very badly and there need to be changes. Present him with a rota, so that you have time to do your job. Tell him that he can choose to either cook and clean up or bathe and bed the children. Tell him that Saturday mornings are either childcare or housework. Don’t shout, don’t get upset, just insist. If he refuses, stop all the wife work, no cooking , laundry or sex. Put your head round the door on weekends to explain you are off out and that the kids need breakfast. Go out. Come back at teatime and ask what’s for tea.
If you are reading this and getting anxious for your safety I’m afraid that’s a sign he is a danger. In that case you need to phone Women's Aid, or the local Police DV team, explain your situation and ask if they can help.
If he threatens to leave, agree that would work, and find a good lawyer. You are incredible. You look after your kids and you work, all the while with a 12 stone burden hanging off you. Think how much easier it will be without him, and the house and money are shared assets so don’t worry about that.

And no more lunches!

OP, you sound scared of him.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Your difficulties compounded by a child with special needs.

Please contact Women's Aid to see if they can help.

Your life sounds hellish.

He sounds like a very nasty prick.

People are No longer surprised to hear the lovely smiling helpful man is a class A prick behing closed doors.

That day is long gone let me assure you.

We hear to many times of the horror stories behind the smiling helpful facade.

Get help.

Hi OP.

I forgot to post the link to mumsnet web guide to services which might be useful.

www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Good luck. 💐

The school run is a red herring..that is not the issue... the issue is he does nothing else .. and doesn't seem to give a shit about you or DC
You are married so fincance is shared legally If your child has complex Sen do they get DLA ? If not apply...Find a local parent carer group they'll be able to help..,
Talk to a solicitor/law for women checkout universal credit and CMS..

No one else can sort this out for you but there are people that can help...

He is obviously abusive in more than one sense, all of which is against the law but hard to prove.

OP, it is all very well for people to say ltb, but obviously you have a way to go before you are in that situation, but that should be your ultimate goal.

Women's aid will help, so will a lawyer. You need a way of squirrelling away some money for that eventuality.

You are entitled to a lot in a divorce as the house is jointly owned, regardless of whose name is on the deeds, as are any savings.

Is there any chance of you moving closer to family?

You are married OP you have more options options than you think. I believe you that he is awful behind closed doors. It is not your fault. The relationships board will help you find a way through this. to you.

Do you enjoy being the nanny? Why have you settled for such a shit husband.

@Liveandforget

Leave him, honestly just leave him. You will be 100 percent happier, less stressed, less resentful, and your children won't be taught damaging lessons about relationships.

This