To resent DH for cherry picking the one job he is interested in doing?

[InkyIrina]

I've read lots of similar posts over the past few weeks, however mine is a bit different so I want to know if IABU.

The past three months DH has sat upstairs 'working' full time. I say working, some days he openly admits he does nothing at all, most days he is doing some work but i can see that he is also sat on social media and playing games too for a lot of time.

I am downstairs everyday working part time, looking after our two young children, homeschooling, doing everything around the house. Come 5pm, he floats downstairs, watches me cook dinner, sort the children out with baths, bed, then come 7pm he wants to sit downstairs by himself so he can have some relaxing time.

What it comes down to is all he does is work, nothing else. He barely does anything with the children, will never play with them and I do everything for them.

Here is the thing that makes me angry. Come September he will undoubtedly pop up again ready to do the school run. The ONLY thing he ever wants to do (because he wants to socialise himself I think).

Would I be unreasonable to say NO? He is not stepping back in after not showing any interest for months. I am not saying he is not allowed to go, he can tag along if he wants, but I will be carrying on what I have been doing for 6 months by then.

@InkyIrina

I have told him, daily but if I push it too much and he actually has to give the children a bath he will get the rage and threaten to leave.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation.

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer and told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid.

Let him go. I would actually tell him that I don’t believe him, when he says it, because he has it so good at home and knows he’s too lazy to look after himself.either he’ll stop threatening you, or if you’re really lucky, he’ll go and save you the hassle of trying to find somewhere for you and the kids. He’s a pathetic excuse of a husband and father.

just waiting for OP to say, ‘but he’s a great dad.

@LillianBland

He wants to do the school run, because he’s probably lapping up praise from some of the other parents, for ‘helping’ his wife. It’s not about socialising, it’s about having other women making him feel special. There’s no point in complaining about it, unless you’re going to actually take action.

100% this.

And OP, why are you so worried that he’ll threaten to leave? He won’t, because then he’d have to actually pay his housekeeper. And surely him leaving is the answer to this?! The alternative is to live the rest of your life as an unloved domestic slave, and modelling that as family life for your children. You are worth more than this, please believe me.

Fucking hell.

Let him sort his own food, and his own laundry.

Next time he threatens to leave, help him pack, and show him the door.

What a fucking bellend.

I had a similar issue for a while at the start of lockdown. I am also working full-time, three kids downstairs yelling about something, I had to go down every 10 minutes, while he sat on five hours of consecutive calls with his video on the entire time. I told him this was not acceptable, he claimed he would be able to help from two PM. 2 PM rolls around. He's still on a call. Toddler stats shouting again, and he waves his hand at me to fix it. I'll tell you how I fixed it: I shouted right in his face with his video and audio still running: "this is complete bullshit, I've got a job too, you don't just choose when you feel like being a father and you need to manage your calls and your stakeholders. I'm your wife, not your servant and you have your priorities all wrong, get a fucking grip". He had in all this ranting failed to switch off the audio, and he has NEVER dared to take the piss like that again. He's also still trying to live it down in front of his colleagues.

So let him leave! Stop taking him his lunch for one ..

He threatens to leave because he wants to shut you up. It’s not going to get any better.

He needs to look after the DC while you do your part time job. Work out a rota between you. Just say you can't concentrate on your work with the DC around. If he doesn't understand why not then he can find out for himself. It is totally not fair for you to be doing everything else while he only has to work in what sounds like a job with quite a lot of slack.

Get off MN and go find a damn divorce attorney

The question is not whether you should let him do the school run. The question is why are you putting up with this selfish arse? Is this really a role model you want for your children? Does he add anything positive to your life whatsover?
That’s 3 questions, but you catch my drift.

When he comes down for his dinner tonight say you are having a night off and you would like him to step in whilst you have a sit down. If he throws his toys out the pram then you just make your own dinner.
Presumably he sorts his own lunch out in normal times? Stop having any involvement with it. It's okay to make his lunch if he asks politely but you're his wife not some lesser being who's there to serve him.

When he threatens to leave tell him yes you think it is a good idea that if he doesnt want to be part of a family life he knows where the door is. If he is staying he needs to be part of it.

Or just tell him to leave. Find your anger NOW

Honestly? This does sound like a LTB situation, and that's not my usual suggestion.

I'd tell him what you've written here, that he's not pulling his weight and you're sick of it, and the next time he threatens to leave, maybe I'd call his bluff. Tell him that you're beginning to wonder if that might not be for the best, since he's barely present in your lives, as it is.

Either he'll be scared and realise you're seriously reaching your limit or he'll show you how little you and the children mean to him, which would be painful but better to know now instead of later.

I have told him, daily but if I push it too much and he actually has to give the children a bath he will get the rage and threaten to leave.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation

No you're not in a hopeless situation. Take him up on his threat to leave. You have a lot to contend with in your life - he is making it 100 times harder.

@contrmary

It's not controlling but basically you'd be telling him that the little he actually does do isn't needed either. Therefore he'll be even less inclined to help out in other ways in the future.

This x 1000. He needs to do more not less. This is playing right into his hands.

You are not a loser at all but it is soul destroying to live in a house with a lazy uninvolved twat of a partner. Ive been there I get it. Its often easier to get on with the jobs your self than argue with someone who will never admit to doing wrong. However we get one life and this one will not make you happy. He hasn't listened and he wont listen. I would sort out your finances and leave. You deserve a chance to be happy. He is unlikely to step up once you split and the kids will probably end up with a poor relationship with him but that's his issue, you can not control or force him to be a good dad. Let him be someone else's problem and find your own happiness. Also I would be clear and open every dam time anyone asked why you split, his laziness, lack of involvement with the kids, barely working and playing computer games instead while you do everythig.

OP. Ask yourself, "what have I got to lose? What is something I cannot risk?"

The answer will be nothing.

He blames you. So?
He has a rage and threatens to leave. So?

Whatever happens, needs to happen. You can't carry on like this.

You say you work part time? For the hours you work part time you should be splitting the "working while trying to homeschool kids" hours 50/50. It's the only fair thing to do.

I'm flabbergasted about how he spends weekends though. In light of those comments I think you might well be better to leave him.

At the stage you are at, if he told me to "leave it over there" without even a glance or a "thank-you" I'd think I'd have taken it away and eaten it myself! You are very patient.

YANBU to resent your DH. What you are describing is a common phenomenon. It starts with maternity leave, where even if things were previously fairly equal, a lot of men seem to get the idea that both baby and the house are the woman's responsibility and don't move on from that when mum goes back to work. It makes me so angry . My DH doesn't help around the house as much as he should, but he works very long hours (actually works, hunched over his computer upstairs, crunching numbers), plays and interacts a lot with the DC and takes them out at weekends. He sounds 10 times more use than your DH, but I would still rate him 'inadequate' or 'requires improvement' if I was writing an Ofsted report. So I totally get your resentment.

It's also not as simple as saying LTB. There may be reasons (financial etc.) why leaving him is not the best option at the moment for you and the DC. It doesn't sound like he is abusive, just lazy and useless. While long-term you may dream of a future without your own resident disrespectful oaf, only you can make the decision as to whether, right now, it would be best for you and DC, given the sacrifices you might have to make.

What you can actively do atm is try to reduce your workload to the minimum to give YOU some of the time and space he currently has. Stop doing anything that's just for him (cooking, washing, shopping, making drinks). Don't collect his laundry, just leave it. Make picnic dinners for DC some nights. Just do enough food for you and DC. Move into the spare room if you have one. Don't change his sheets. Point it out loudly every time he makes a mess and doesn't clean it up. Take over the sitting room and watch what YOU want to watch in the evening. And keep the chores like the school run which make you happy. He is treating you with a complete lack of respect and consideration, and so he doesn't deserve any from you. Don't let him treat you like a doormat.

There was a thread like this a few weeks ago. The husband commandeered the kitchen table and the wife and kids couldn't go in there even for a drink while he was 'working'.

She left him.

he will get the rage and threaten to leave
Let him. What exactly will you be losing?
He’s taking you for a right mug OP.

@InkyIrina You know he picks the school run because he gets to pretend in public that he''s a hands on parent, right? He probably gets a big fuss made of him.
If you end up letting him do it, say you will go with him. See for yourself how much he doesn't want you to.

He's playing Mr Nice Guy, and those men can be dangerous when they realise you are serious about leaving, because they will lose face.
You need to take very serious safety precautions when you leave.
Please talk to Womens Aid.

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid

OP, you ARE the maid. Give a months notice, as you don't like the terms and conditions of your employment.

Of course he likes the school run where he can be seen being the involved dad.....

So many of these threads, so many women asking what they should do but still 100 enabling the behaviour by doing everything and then adding 'he's such a good father and so good to me'.

The fact is that he is very unlikely to change his behaviour, he has you running around after him and the children and all he has to do is get huffy when you suggest he does something and you get scared he'll leave. Unless you change your behavious towards him it won't change. I am willing to put money on the fact that you also facilitate all birthday cards/presents buying, family communication etc.

My DH has been WFH since lockdown started and I have 2 teenage children, I work zero hours contract so have been doing very little work. I don't take DH tea/coffee or lunch - I decided to start as I meant to go on. Sometimes I cook the children lunch by generally they do it themselves while I am on mumsnet while I am doing chores, exercising etc.

If he loved you he wouldn’t treat you like this.