To resent DH for cherry picking the one job he is interested in doing?

[InkyIrina]

I've read lots of similar posts over the past few weeks, however mine is a bit different so I want to know if IABU.

The past three months DH has sat upstairs 'working' full time. I say working, some days he openly admits he does nothing at all, most days he is doing some work but i can see that he is also sat on social media and playing games too for a lot of time.

I am downstairs everyday working part time, looking after our two young children, homeschooling, doing everything around the house. Come 5pm, he floats downstairs, watches me cook dinner, sort the children out with baths, bed, then come 7pm he wants to sit downstairs by himself so he can have some relaxing time.

What it comes down to is all he does is work, nothing else. He barely does anything with the children, will never play with them and I do everything for them.

Here is the thing that makes me angry. Come September he will undoubtedly pop up again ready to do the school run. The ONLY thing he ever wants to do (because he wants to socialise himself I think).

Would I be unreasonable to say NO? He is not stepping back in after not showing any interest for months. I am not saying he is not allowed to go, he can tag along if he wants, but I will be carrying on what I have been doing for 6 months by then.

As I said above, I have told him, daily in fact. He just turns it round and says that I'm being ungrateful as he's working all day.

Your rant is fully justified.

Why aren't you kicking his arse?Stop. Being such a doormat .

Tell him he's being ungrateful to have a partner working hard both at her job, in the house and with their children.

Is your PT work a clear block of time (e.g. a full day, or half days) or is it bits and bobs throughout the week?

If it's a clear block of time, you can be responsible for the kids and chores while you're not working... but you're both equally responsible while you're both working. In some ways, he would be more responsible since you need to prioritise the time you get.

When you're working, maybe you should get the office?

It’s game playing to “take away” the school run.

Better that he does do it, because you can then have more options for increasing your hours to full time - probably better, given this isn’t a successful marriage

It might be a losing battle getting him to anything before 17:00 even if work isn’t busy. Because he is still “at work”.

But what’s this doing nothing from 17:00-19:00 shit?! That’s what you need to address now, not some school run!

@InkyIrina

I know and I was expecting these responses. Believe me, I tell him this almost daily but in the end I knew nothing was going to change and it was making me unhappy, so I have stopped trying. He would also turn it round and act like I was being ungrateful because he had worked all day.

I just wanted to check that I wouldn't be being controlling by taking the school run off him as such? I know he will be furious with me at the time

Oh dear hes done a number on you OP Got you right where he wants you. So if you challenge him he makes everything your fault? You deserve better than this. I would start getting things in order, save as much as you can and then come September divorce him

It's not game playing, it's just that's what I'm dreading telling him he can't do anymore.

I should add weekends are even worse, he won't usually get up until just before lunch and then will spend most of the day upstairs on his phone or running out to do his hobby with his friends. Again, he will do nothing all weekend.

I sound like such a loser.

Xh used to do the cherry picking all the time..he would just refuse to discuss and say 'no I'm doing it'. Only stuff he wanted to do, obviously. He expected me to balance this time by doing the housework he didn't want to do and would check up what had gone on when he got back.

How he reacts if you start to make a claim for your share of the 'good' jobs will tell you a lot about your relationship.

Also, I've got my first childfree day today in 3 months - both kids back at school which means I can do a full day's uninterrupted work. It's A-MAZ-ING! No stress, I'm dealing with all the backlog, getting properly on top of my projects, catching-up with my colleagues (virtually)... I'm seriously having such a relaxing day compared with last week.

And this is your husband's life every day. In contrast to you who's trying to juggle the children and part-time work (and I imagine you feel as if you're short-changing both?) and trying to get the housework done in between times. You must be frazzled and stressed and overwhelmed. And more than a little angry.

...it's no wonder your husband has dug his heels in - his life is very comfortable at the moment, thank you very much. He has a wife who's doing all the scut work, and he can concentrate on his job with no other chores to take up his time and energy (most working people don't get to have the luxury of no chores even in normal times!). What an incredibly selfish man :(

Wow. I personally expect nothing less than a 50% contribution to all of the household/childcare from my husband, and he from me. That might need to tip slightly if you’re part time, but you should both be getting the same amount of down time after all the jobs are done.

I think you need to stop ranting or trying to stop his cherry picking - those actions don’t lead to change. I would suggest that you pick an evening this week to sit down and have a discussion about how things need to work. Map out your hours in advance - work hours, childcare hours, meal prep, family time, relaxation. Then map out his - should be easy as she only works and does the school run. Then you need to sit down and work out why you are working so many more hours than he is and how you can address the imbalance. Present him with facts. Chances are he will be resistant because he has it easy at the moment and if he was a genuinely supportive person then he wouldn’t have let it get to this stage.

Just out of interest, does he earn a lot more than you?

Why are you allowing this situation to exist??? Why are you doing so much and he does so little? Why do you cook dinner and bathe the kids and put them to bed etc? Stand up to him. Make him do some work around the house and with the kids.
Otherwise leave him, you'll be doing the same amount of work but not have him to worry about and bring you down.

my DH feels in some way smug that we don't have a cleaner, but does about 1% of the cleaning at home.
He cooks most nights because he enjoys cooking things that sometimes only he likes so I have to cook for the rest of us anyway and really seems to think that constitutes to a large percentage of household chores.

I have said it before and I will say it again:
The divorce lawyers are going to be so, so busy.
Women need to collectively stop putting up with this.

He wants to do the school run, because he’s probably lapping up praise from some of the other parents, for ‘helping’ his wife. It’s not about socialising, it’s about having other women making him feel special. There’s no point in complaining about it, unless you’re going to actually take action.

Ok if you're ungrateful that he is working all day.
Count up the hours he does, count up the hours you do. Who should be more 'grateful'? Or by 'working all day' does he actually mean 'earning money' therefore implying that the stuff around house and kids has no, or less 'value' because it doesn't generate income?

He cant have it both ways - saying your life is easier because he works more, but then taking the kids or catching up with housework at the weekends is too much like hard work and he needs a break. It's one or the other - it's easy so he doesnt mind pitching in or it's hard and therefore he is 'grateful' to you too.

If you think he is a decent person but just cant communicate over this issue, would he try counselling with you? If not, you will have to put up with it, or leave, or tell him that since he only values income generating work, you will increase your hours to match his and you can both pay for things like cleaning and gardening and childcare and share all the other jobs 50 50 since no one is working 'harder'.

I have told him, daily but if I push it too much and he actually has to give the children a bath he will get the rage and threaten to leave.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation.

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer and told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid.

You letting him do his own thing. Every other weekend you go out and leave him to it. Will prepare him for when you separate and he has dc every other weekend.
But you allow this to happen.
Change it now. Start this week.
Tuesday he cooks dinner.

@InkyIrina

I have told him, daily but if I push it too much and he actually has to give the children a bath he will get the rage and threaten to leave.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation.

I have just taken his lunch up to him, as I do every day because he is too busy to come down. He didn't even look up from the computer and told me to 'leave it over there's, like I was the maid.

Tell him to get fucked. He is NOT working all day. He can make his own sodding lunch. And if he wants to leave then show him the door

Let him leave then
Stop walking on egg shells

stop making him lunch
Stop behaving like the maid and servant

I lived my life like this for nearly 20 years. I left my ex husband 4 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made, I wish I'd done it sooner. I did absolutely everything with our 6 children, I worked from home, I kept the home running and he went to work and that was it, he worked every single day and came and went as he pleased. If I ever complained he would say 'my mum did it why can't you?' He was also EA but that's a whole other story.

In the end I left because I knew my children would think that the way I was being treated by their father was ok and I didn't want them to base their relationships on ours.

@endofthelinefinally

I have said it before and I will say it again: The divorce lawyers are going to be so, so busy. Women need to collectively stop putting up with this.

Agreed

How did you get here? Where he is sitting on his arse while you run around taking care of the house, him and the children.

Has it been going on for years, or slowly crept up on you? Were you happy to do it at first, playing houses/being the woman that does everything, and the novelty has worn off?

Either way you need to first decide if it is a deal breaker for you. Then sit him down and tell him this isn't working for you anymore. You expect him, as soon as he is finished work to chip in/take turns cooking while the other plays with the kids, one of you tidying up while the other baths, one doing chores while the other puts the kids to bed. Then once they are in bed you both get to relax together.

change your behaviour

He might
Rage
Leave

Whatever.
If he leaves good...he will have to look after himself and dc too if he deigns to see them

This would really piss me off. No wonder married men live longer than married women.
Op, don’t wait until September, tell your dh that you want changes now.
From 5pm ( when he finishes ‘work’) to 7pm he should take over the childcare and house chores.
At the weekend, chores and childcare should be split evenly.
Lockdown has been a revelation to many women. They have realised that their husbands are lazy , selfish bastards who have used their jobs as a way to avoid the drudgery of family life.