To resent DH for cherry picking the one job he is interested in doing?

[InkyIrina]

I've read lots of similar posts over the past few weeks, however mine is a bit different so I want to know if IABU.

The past three months DH has sat upstairs 'working' full time. I say working, some days he openly admits he does nothing at all, most days he is doing some work but i can see that he is also sat on social media and playing games too for a lot of time.

I am downstairs everyday working part time, looking after our two young children, homeschooling, doing everything around the house. Come 5pm, he floats downstairs, watches me cook dinner, sort the children out with baths, bed, then come 7pm he wants to sit downstairs by himself so he can have some relaxing time.

What it comes down to is all he does is work, nothing else. He barely does anything with the children, will never play with them and I do everything for them.

Here is the thing that makes me angry. Come September he will undoubtedly pop up again ready to do the school run. The ONLY thing he ever wants to do (because he wants to socialise himself I think).

Would I be unreasonable to say NO? He is not stepping back in after not showing any interest for months. I am not saying he is not allowed to go, he can tag along if he wants, but I will be carrying on what I have been doing for 6 months by then.

You and your deserve so much better than this. I can imagine that you may feel so downtrodden it’s hard to see it, but from an outside perspective it is clear as day that.

Remember your children are learning their model of relationships through observing yours with your husband.

You call him DH so I presume you are married. That will help you manage to get a share of you split up. Contact Rights of Women for free advice if you can’t afford a solicitor: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/advice-lines/ - lines are busy but just keep trying (call when out on a walk if there’s a danger of him listening when in the house). Similarly, contact National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 and look at a Women’s Aid website to get an idea of the seriousness of how he is treating you and by extension your children.

The disruption and hardship involved in uprooting your family to get away from him is more than worth it.

You had all my sympathy until you said you were making his lunch and bringing it up to him You wouldn't be making him lunch at the office so why on earth would you do it at home!

He obviously needs a kick up the butt but saying he can't do the school run is not really it. It's the old adage of cutting your nose off to spite your face. Unless you really, really like the school run, why wouldn't you hand it over? Surely it's just one less thing to do? That obviously isn't ALL he should be doing but it's a start, surely?

First paragraph should read: You and your children deserve so much better than this. I can imagine that you may feel so downtrodden it’s hard to see it, but from an outside perspective it is clear as day that you would be much better off without him.

[quote InkyIrina]@Mamia15 I have no family nearby so I am very much alone. Like I said, I'm not sure if I told anyone they would even believe me. Or like some people on here would think I was stupid for putting up with it.[/quote]
OK - nothing is stopping you from seeking legal advice.

It does not matter what people think. You and the DC are the important ones here. What must they think of you and the family life you both are modelling?

Also Women's Aid will have advice including a list of local solicitors - he sounds abusive so you need specialist help.

If you are married and he owns a house, it doesn't matter it isn't in your name. Please get some legal advice as to what your position would be if you left him. He is not a nice man and you deserve better.

[quote InkyIrina]@TheIneBriati Thank you. No, just leaving is not as simple as it sounds. I have no life, I have nothing. I have no money or home in my name. One of my children has special needs so it.limits the amount I can work as I cannot use childcare. I would be in an even worse situation.

For those of you saying to set him straight - again, it's not that easy. He turns very nasty at the flip of a switch, turns everything around and makes everything worse. Again, he will tell me to leave in front of our two young children for even the slightest thing I disagree with him on. So I back down and apologise because again, I have no money or access to anything.

To make it worse, he comes across to friends and family like the most kind and caring person, eould do anything for anyone. I don't think anyone, not even my own mother would believe me if I told them this.[/quote]
What you are saying there is that he is abusive.
All nice and lovely in front of others but turning into an arseh=ole, threatening you when he knows you are stuck, treating you like a maid etc...

AND he gets to look like to good father again whe he takes the dcs to school.

@Mamia15. On a cost-benefit analysis, DH is (just about) worth it...Actually, he's been getting a lot better since lockdown since wfh means he's more involved with DC and has started doing more chores. Weighing it up, our lives would be worse if he wasn't around.

This isn't the case for the OP. OP, I second what everyone else has said here. From your updates, this doesn't sound like a lazy husband, but an emotionally abusive husband situation. This means there's nothing to work on - you can't discuss his behaviour or have a reasonable conversation as you'll just get abuse back. Take your time if you like, but you need to start planning your exit strategy. He is a negative, not a neutral, influence on the lives of you and your DC.

Let him do the school run and let him spend time chatting at the school gates. While he's doing that, phone Women's Aid and solicitors for advice, get an estate agent round for a valuation, get your (and DC) paperwork together (passports, birth certs etc), and find details of all his and your bank accounts.

People SEE him doing the school run. No-one but you sees him doing domestic and childcare tasks at home. Obviously.

He's an 'Insta-dad' - there for the public adulation only.

You aren't stupid OP - you are worn down with children/work and looking after your home and living with an abusive partner.

It is not easy to leave but can be done. He does however do it because he can - he is lazy - he gets nasty and you back down. A solicitor will offer a free hour of what you are entitled to. If it was just you and children you would have less to do since you wouldn't have to run around after him and pander to his needs. You even apologise when he is nasty to you.

This is abuse. It is not healthy for you and not a good environment for your children to grow up in...please get some help.

Come ON!! You deserve better than this! You are enabling him and so need to take some responsibility. Just stop doing some of it. Stop making his lunch - let alone taking it upstairs. Say "I haven't got time, you will need to get your own lunch". Stop doing his laundry - same as above. Stop cooking every night - grab a bowl of something before you put the kids to bed. Again tell him you don't have the time or energy to cook every night. AND for the love of god don't have sex with this man.

For your sake and you children's sake you need to deal with this. You don't need to win an argument with him - just STOP DOING IT ALL.

OP, my ex was exactly the same - best guy in the world to those on the outside but the same as yours behind closed doors. I was the same, extremely loyal to him and didn't tell anyone what he was doing and now that I have they are shocked and there for me. Women's Aid were amazing. Please contact them. They're not going to force you to leave, they will support you.

@InkyIrina Lovey, you are at that stage of the process where you have selective hearing. You are still at the stage where leaving is so scary you cant see the other side, so staying seems safer. He gradually chips away at your boundaries and erodes your sense of self, so you forget who you are.

Maybe you arent ready to hear it yet but I'm going to say it again;

Please contact the helpline right now and get some moral support. Do it now, pick up the phone and call them. Its free. They wont judge you or tell you what to do.
Refuge - freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline
0808 2000 247

They wont tell you to leave, they wont tell you what to do. They will give you support and advice, and they might be able to get you legal advice.
Maybe even a set of keys so you can escape when you are ready.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

OP I'm not joking but I got a physical angry reaction reading about what a useless arsehole your dh is.

How dare he! And all men like this.

I would call his bluff and let him leave....

It's really sad that you see getting to do the school run along with everything else as a victory.

You'd be surprised who would believe you. I saw the aggression in how my friends' DH treated her. Is your DM on your side usually and caring about how you are (sadly not all mothers are)? If so, tell her. If she could support you in your home, that would probably give you a better base to work, etc.

You know you need to leave don't you, you know its the right thing to do but you're understandably frightened. Your life will be so much easier without him in it, things will be rocky to start with while you find your feet but once that is done things will improve drastically. You should do the school run so that you make friends and interact with people, but for now as someone suggested let him do it temporarily so you can get your ducks in a row, there are lots of organisations who can help you.

In staying, not only are you unhappy, but you;re teaching your children this is how to act or be treated in a marriage, leaving will show them that its OK to turn your back on situations that make you unhappy. start taking back control, starting with no lunch everyday!! if he asks, just tell him you're busy and he'll have to do it himself

Those saying 'leave him', know that it's never easy or simple, because a lot of us have been there.

What 'leave him' means is that leaving him should now become your goal and priority. Something to work towards and plan for. Imagine a future without him and his abuse and disrespect. Start writing all this down, what will your life look like? Your home? What will YOU look like?

Oh, and he's abusive. You may need help to leave him, but you CAN do it.

This is about far more than just the school run - you're in an abusive relationship.

You have no access to money = financial abuse
He expects to you do everything around the house and for the kids, shouts at you and tells you to leave in front of the kids = emotional abuse
And it sounds as if you're scared it might turn into physical abuse if you try to change things?

You need to call women's aid. MN has some wonderful posters, who will do their best to help you, but you need people with knowledge and experience of how to handle abusive partners. You also need practical advise on how you can leave safely.

I'm not sure if I told anyone they would even believe me

You won't know until you try! Talk to someone you trust, DM, good pal, whoever...start sharing this and seeking support. Professional support like women's helplines too. You will feel stronger in time.

Is he threatening to leave or telling you to leave mainly? What the heck would he do if you did leave? If he suggests he's going to leave tell him yes, please, go.

What a lazy arrogant pig. I'd be planning my exit from this marriage for sure. Where are you while he is relaxing alone at 7pm?

We all only get one shot at life. Is this the choice you are making for the rest of your life? It sounds like misery to me.

Inkyirina, I am sorry that you are in this situation. It's often a very gradual process in which lack of help with the house and children Creeps up bit by bit.

I have to say my interpretation of his willingness to do the school run is an attempt to present himself as a good parent. He probably likes compliments about being a good dad etc. It won't help you to 'take' the job away, apart from knowing that he is not doing something he likes.

He won't leave, whatever he threatens. Why would he? Would you try contacting organisations like the Citizens Advice Bureau, Women's Aid or Shelter to find out where you stand. Leaving you without the practical resources to leave is one way abusive partners can keep control of the situation.

Oh OP, you sound so ground down. I was annoyed with you having read your first few posts, but the more you post the more I can see how you have been conditioned into subservience by this man. I imagine you can't quite believe it yourself. Time to start making plans to take back control of your life.

You need to look into what benefits you would be entitled to and how much child maintenance your husband would be required to contribute should you separate. You may be surprised at how much you can claim. As others have said please contact some of the agencies who can advise you. The way you are living is no way to live.

It’s an easy rut to fall into but now you know where you stand STOP ENABLING HIM.

Stop taking him lunch, arrange who is responsible for lunch and the other do supper. Split the household chores or stop doing the things for him like laundry and making his meals.