Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

This is definitely a one strike and you're out situation.
All it needs a a fraction more pressure & you will be dead.
Hes marked you with his abuse. He needs to go & yes you should record the injuries & contact the police.

His resisting this is just another way in which he's trying to intimidate and control you, OP. I'd definitely recommend you ask your solicitor to request special measures in court so you don't have to see him face to face.

You've been amazingly strong, try and treat this as one last battle. I'm confident you'll win it.

RTF people. OP has given an update - she is currently taking legal action.

OP sorry I don’t have any practical advice other than to ask all the questions you can think of to your solicitor, tell them your concerns.
also can you contact women’s aid or similar organisation which can practically help you through the legal processes? Give advice and support?

There are a lot of strong women who have been in your position, please don’t back down. He is trying his best to continue to control you. You’ve done so so well to get to the point you are. Please don’t let him get into your head

No. Leave now. Next time he could kill you. There WILL be a next time.

OP I was only thinking about you the other day. I’m so pleased to hear you’re still away from this animal.

I would speak to your solicitor re court. There is NO justification for trying to strangle you, hit you or whatever else he’s done over the years. I’ve personally never heard/ seen the accused be able to cross examine the victim? Surely that can’t be right? I’m sure the judge or his solicitor could ask Q’s on his behalf. Just remember, it’s not you on trial here it’s him. They’ll have seen his type so many times before!

I would read your solicitor asking for observations as them wanting to know what your thoughts are on each point made. Sit down with the paperwork and a pen/paper and go through it, writing tour thoughts on each little bit as you go. You can then give this to the solicitor for them to do their bit with it.

If you have any concerns about what is going to happen, like the cross examination, then please talk it through with your solicitor.

I remember this thread
It made me so sad

Really happy you have found the strength to leave.
This is classic abuse behaviour and DARVO (Turning it back on you and making him the victim)
Others are right take a deep breath - go step by step and remember there is NO excuse for what he has done.
I would also discuss with your solicitor the possiblity of preparing a statment for the judge requesting he not be allowed to cross examine and that it is a further attempt to abuse and control you.

Do not give up!!! You have come so far!

@Smellbellina

I know my thread is old but I could really do with some wise words. I got a non-mol but he is arguing it. We had a hearing and the judge suggested he talk to a solicitor but he hasn’t he has gone for. a full hearing. I read his statement yesterday and it took me right back to trying to defend myself for ‘provoking’ him and being forced to apologise for things I have not said/done. My solicitor has asked me to respond with ‘observations’ I don’t even know where to begin. Also, he is representing himself so presumably he will get to cross examine me? I don’t know how I will bear that tbh, sounds silly but I can feel the walls closing in already. Can I ask for him to have a non-mol granted against me instead? I don’t care who has it as long as it prevents him contacting me. I was going to ask my solicitor this tomorrow but don’t want to sound like an idiot

Your observations would be that he is still blaming you for his actions and has shown no understanding of the physical and mental abuse he perpetrates.

If he does represent himself the judge will see a man using the court to continue bullying and scaring a woman he is supposed to love, the mother of his children. Be brave, he'll show himself up.

And no, don't ask abut having a non mol against you. That is desperation talking. Take heart!

@Waveysnail

OLDish thread

Yes because if you read the OP's posts, you will see she has asked for further advice

Can you ask if you can do the court case via video link so he's not in your face ?

Yes, you ABU.
Once, out the door.

Great tips on here

Just coming in to say
I was in your shoes

It is so very scary

But you have done amazing
Stay strong

Will be thinking of you and your family
Keep us updated xxxxx

@mrspoisson

Has he actually strangled you? Stopped air?

I ask because my now ex who I live with has been putting his hands around my neck as a "joke" but it feels so off to me/unacceptable despite leaving no marks.

If it's unacceptable he should not be doing it. You need to be living separately if possible.

Please, people, at least read OPs updates.
OP, don't worry about asking stupid questions, just talk to your solicitor, tell them what's bothering you and ask them what they can do, PPs have given some great advice. Don't panic.

I know someone who got a non mol order granted by a judge over the phone. Both parties on the phone but no he can't talk to you directly, it's all through a judge. She had threatening emails but he'd never physically assaulted her and she was awarded one. Good luck

@mrspoisson he's physically intimidating you. He's a bully, it may well escalate "accidentally", you need to get out or get him out.

@TheFlis12345

Why the hell are you giving him 3 chances to kill you?!?

This!

Please RTFT

THE OP HAS ALREADY LEFT.

She is discussing her court action for a non-molestation order

You know there is absolutely no point in shouting 'read the full thread!'. Because if they'd got to the last page where they would see your post before posting, they WOULD have already read it! Come on guys, I'm sure op can just filter out the irrelevant.

The thread is 35 pages long. It isn’t a great leap to realise it might have moved on from the original post.

@mrspoisson

Has he actually strangled you? Stopped air?

I ask because my now ex who I live with has been putting his hands around my neck as a "joke" but it feels so off to me/unacceptable despite leaving no marks.

It's not funny and one of you needs to leave before it escalates.

Speak to the police

Thank you for the advice, I realise now asking for a non-mol to be served on me is irrational 🤦‍♀️
Reading through his statement took me right back, it’s all the same things he’s been banging on about for years placing himself firmly as the victim, I am so tired of trying to defend myself against things I didn’t do so he can justify how he behaves.
Some of the things he has admitted to but dressed up as him being perfectly reasonable. I honestly think he believes it all himself.
I dread him cross examining me, this is exactly what I want to escape, having him in my mind, going over and over the same incidents and false accusations.
I have realised today though that whatever the judge decides, he can’t decree that I must engage with ex, he can’t stop me from blocking him on every app known to man and refusing to engage with him except via solicitors. I absolutely refuse to have anything to do with him ever again.
I also want my solicitors to make it clear that in no way have I used the non-mol to interfere with child contact and I have dropped the occupation order application, so what possible nefarious reason could I have to ask for a non-mol other than to ask the support of the court to help me break this cycle which is so damaging to everyone in it, the DC are older now, I can’t protect them from it any more the only thing I can do is extricate myself from it. I just really really hope they help me do that.

Don't forget OP, any reasonable adult on the outside of your situation who works in the court system will be familiar with this sort of scenario and that sort of abuser. You've been on the inside so long, and as you say, he's been in your head, that your judgement can feel skewed and confused. A judge, solicitors etc will be able to recognise him and his behaviour.

Omg get out now danger