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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
PAND0RA · 04/07/2020 10:53

Another person delurking to say “ well done “ and KOKO. It will be really stressful in the short term but worth it in the long term. For you and your children.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 04/07/2020 11:24

Thank you 😊 I have seen an excellent counsellor previously, I think if I hadn’t have seen her then I wouldn’t have got out now.
I don’t have the funds at the mo but hopefully I will get that sorted soon. I left my purse there 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
PAND0RA · 04/07/2020 11:26

Can you ask a large Male family member to accompany you back to the house to get things for you and the children?

Or the police ?

Original poster
Smellbellina · 04/07/2020 11:31

Yes someone has offered to go for me, they might be able to go later today.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 04/07/2020 11:32

Yes, @PAND0RA makes a good point. Our local force will definitely accompany people back to the home to get stuff they need.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today, OP.

NeedToKnow101 · 04/07/2020 11:35

Well done OP I'm so happy and relieved you have got out of there.
Yes definitely send someone to get your stuff or take someone male with you.

TessoftheDobermans · 04/07/2020 11:36

It sounds really hard atm Smellbellina but you're doing brilliantly - and you've done the bit that matters, you've actually started the whole process of leaving.

Minimising & avoiding confrontation become second nature so you don't acknowledge to yourself how bad the situation is until you start talking about it, and then see it through someone else's eyes. It sounds like there's a lot for you to process and it will take time. I signed up for counselling through my local women's refuge and it helped a huge amount.

I'm sure your SIL will be very glad to give you her support as soon as you feel able to tell her. You will need that support too, as it sounds as if he's going to fight harder to get you 'back in your box' now that you have spoken out. Please do take care, and bring as many people as you can in RL close around you to support and protect you. As you know, it can be more dangerous for you now that you have left.

Sending love & strength, & hoping you have a calm & peaceful weekend Flowers

igotmyreddressontonight · 04/07/2020 11:59

No way. I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I'd of been out the door before he had the chance to do it again. Violence isn't acceptable.

Please don't give him another chance the next time he could kill you. It will never get any better. The damage has been done.

EwwSprouts · 04/07/2020 12:24

Great steps OP. Each one takes you to a better future with your DC.

TessoftheDobermans · 04/07/2020 12:42

Please, PPs, RTFT. It's so disrespectful to the OP to make comments that are irrelevant at this point in the thread

CheesecakeAddict · 04/07/2020 13:06

Send your friend with a list of the essentials just in case he gets funny and it needs to be a quick in and out. Then either go back with the police to empty the place or see if he will box everything up and you and a friend can go collect it.

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 04/07/2020 13:19

@Needanewnamenow

Christ alive, in front of your daughter??? I hope for all your sakes that someone else calls the police or social services. I mean you do what you want, but to allow this in front of your child?

Your daughter witnessing this is NOT ALRIGHT.

SoupDragon · 04/07/2020 13:21

Your daughter witnessing this is NOT ALRIGHT.

Maybe you should take the time to read the whole thread.

Happynow001 · 04/07/2020 14:27

DD wanted to know if I died who her ‘legal guardian’ would be as she would like it to be GP not dad but she was also worried incase GP died because they’re old  I told her I will take extra special care not to die.
What a sensible child your DD sounds. And your response was absolutely the correct one. You are doing all you can to keep your promise. 🌹

igotmyreddressontonight · 04/07/2020 14:27

@tessofthedobermans obviously no one here is deliberately disrespectful, some people won't have time to read through 700+ comments.

OP I'm glad to hear your updates and I wish you all the bestThanks you really do deserve happiness. It will be tough but you'll come out of this stronger than ever.

SoupDragon · 04/07/2020 14:58

[quote igotmyreddressontonight]@tessofthedobermans obviously no one here is deliberately disrespectful, some people won't have time to read through 700+ comments.

OP I'm glad to hear your updates and I wish you all the bestThanks you really do deserve happiness. It will be tough but you'll come out of this stronger than ever. [/quote]
Even just reading the OP's posts would have been a good start. There's even a useful new feature to let you do just that.

igotmyreddressontonight · 04/07/2020 17:37

@SoupDragon how do you do that? I use the app. I've often thought it would be a good idea just to filter just the ops post for updates rather than scroll through hundreds of others aswell but wasn't aware you could do that now.

igotmyreddressontonight · 04/07/2020 17:41

Also I really don't understand why a keyboard gives people the confidence to be rude and passive aggressive to people online just offering their advice. If that makes you feel better about yourself though then that's quite sad for you.

sanityisamyth · 04/07/2020 20:26

[quote igotmyreddressontonight]@SoupDragon how do you do that? I use the app. I've often thought it would be a good idea just to filter just the ops post for updates rather than scroll through hundreds of others aswell but wasn't aware you could do that now. [/quote]
There's a funnel icon at the top of the window. Just select OP

Lightline · 04/07/2020 20:28

You realise that is how people get killed by domestic violence right? It only has to go too far once

averysuitablegirl · 04/07/2020 21:07

Smellbellina you're doing so well. You're out of the house, you've ensured that you, your children and dog are safe, you've made a police report, you've let family and friends know what's been going on and you're making plans.

Feeling overwhelming anxiety is normal. However awful the abuse and violence was, at least you knew what to expect, how each episode played out.

You've got a new reality to create for yourself now.

Hope that you've managed to get your purse and other essentials from your house and that you're being well looked after.

pinkglove75318 · 04/07/2020 21:14

@FourTeaFallOut

One strike, you might be dead on the second.
Exactly this
pinkglove75318 · 04/07/2020 21:15

@FourTeaFallOut

One strike, you might be dead on the second.
Exactly this
uselessemployers · 04/07/2020 21:21

My ex did the same to me 3 years ago this year. Once is all it took and his stupid ass was gone.

Never looked back and I now have two beautiful children :)

BraveGoldie · 05/07/2020 17:49

How are you today smellbellina?

I hope you are doing ok and have managed to get your purse?

You have been doing amazingly well taking all these steps. I hope you are not too overwhelmed....

Sending hugs.