Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

I am having a wobble today if I’m honest.

I’m wondering what would happen if I ask to withdraw my statement? I’m sure I must know the answer to this! (Due to previous job) but I can’t think.

I wouldn’t ever rekindle the relationship but I really don’t want it going to court.

Worry about court if that happens. Leave your statement for now. You really don’t need to make a decision about the formal stuff at this stage. Just focus on getting yourself, the dc and ddog sorted in a new safe place.
One of the problems about abuse is they get inside your head so you start working around their reaction before it has happened. You are constantly second guessing yourself because you have been undermined so many times.

It is a daunting prospect but just take each day as it comes. By allowing the police and children’s services etc to take this as far as it goes, you will cover yourself and your DC for the future.

If you try to halt the process now, your ex will see that as an admission that it wasn’t that serious and that he didn’t do anything wrong. Even if you don’t get back with him, he’ll feel that he holds the power because he’s shown that he can do that to you with no consequences. Allow it to move along and then you’ll have it all on record for the sake of your DCs as well, so that if they don’t want to spend time with him, it is acknowledged why. If you let him off the hook now he may see that as a green light to push for more - and unsupervised - access to the DCs. This way you can protect them from him. I know it’s hard. But you will come through it.

Oh of course you feel wobbly, and I won't pretend to know anything about the formal process I am lucky enough not to have ever encountered it)

But I do know that saying what is true is almost always the best thing to do . Emotionally, it feels like that is such a high integrity first step. It also occurs to me that having what he did on record can protect you and dc in so many ways into the future. I think it must surely give him less power?

I am sending all the energy I can OP. I am sitting here right now with my own DD. We are feeling safe and peaceful and I am wishing the same for you and your dc. You deserve it.

Offering a big hand hold for your wobble, op! I completely understand why you would feel that way, but trust that you did the right thing. Deep breaths in and just concentrate on putting one step in front of the other for now. At the moment you are just in survival mode so that will be adding to the panic and stress.

OP your nagging feeling is rationality - YOU ARE WRONG!

Wtf are you holding firm with 3 strikes?
The next “strike” could be the end of you, no wonder your family are frightened and angry
You’re being incredibly stupid in all honesty

@Callingallskeletons if you filter by the OP's name you will see how out of date you are. The OP has got over the feeling of being frozen, moved out, found a safe place for her and dc, found a safe place for her dog, told her DC's school, made a police report, and has made a huge amount of progress towards getting and staying safe.

Well done again, OP!

I think you are amazing

Been in your shoes and my gosh is it tough

I forgave over and over
Made excuses
Blamed myself etc

It just got worse

Oh and re the counter allegations
They all seem to do this

I was accused of leaving baby alone in house to go to work
Not feeding her
Leaving her alone with three dogs (as if !! )
None of it obv true
Thankfully h v kept close eye on me as I fled when baby was small and I was on cusp of pnd so she had kept detailed accounts of how everything was fine

Do not worry !!

Easy for me to say but I mean it
Also please do not ask for statement to me taken back
It is good you have made it
Cps may decide not to go ahead and prosecute
It takes long time
And if court is mentioned you can decide at a later date what to do
You are so right to have reported
Just think of the safety of your kids

Sending you so many good wishes xxxxxxxxx

Op you have been so brave - do not withdraw your statement you need this to protect your dc

Just sending strong thoughts to you @Smellbellina. You have done so much in such a short time. You are amazing.
You are giving your children a really inspiring example. Teaching them that you don’t have to put up with someone who hurts and bullies you.
I am in awe of your strength and resilience. Go Smellbellina!

Morning Smellbelina!

I'm sorry you've had a rough day. Can you put to one side the question of withdrawing your statement? It's not a decision you need to make right now.

What you need to do now is get together what you and the DC need.

When you are ready to think about it, I think you need to let the statement stand, because you need to protect your DD. Suppose something happened to you, your DD wants to go to GPS not her father. Your statements may help that to happen. That's what you need to prioritise.

But women's aid will give you the best advice.

Thanks all. I’m not going to do anything about the statement I was just wobbling.
I have contacted all the local estate agents today, finding somewhere to accept 4 children and a dog is going to be hard so thought I better get the ball rolling.
I have also contacted CSA, can’t believe I’ve done that!

Jesus once is it as far as I’m concerned

Well done Smellbelina!

It's ok to wobble- you're doing a big thing!

That's fantastic Smellbellina. So daunting and so courageous of you to keep on keeping on making plans.

It's normal to wobble, absolutely normal, keep on talking about it to people who will listen and reassure you.

And, above all, keep yourself safe and well.

You are doing amazingly, OP, every step you are taking gets you closer to the new life you and your children des. Wobbles are fun, they are just that. You ca do this!

Deserve, not des!!!

Stay steadfast Smellbellina .. thoughts & prayers are with you that you manage to find somewhere just right.
It is daunting. But I think from the very start you wanted to go, you just needed a bit of nudging.
Just think when you’re in your new place, the atmosphere of the house will be so utterly and completely different. You can cook what you like, when you like, watch what you like, go wherever you like. Have friends and family round whenever you like without worrying about what is going to set him off & what will happen once he has kicked off.

Your kids will be so much more relaxed, as will Ddog.
They must be so relieved that you’ve finally done it.

Xx

Another one popping in to say I'm so
Impressed with you. It's so so hard 💐

@Smellbellina

I am having a wobble today if I’m honest.

I’m wondering what would happen if I ask to withdraw my statement? I’m sure I must know the answer to this! (Due to previous job) but I can’t think.

I wouldn’t ever rekindle the relationship but I really don’t want it going to court.

It's really normal go have a wobble about it.

If it was just youid be saying it's your life and your choice (even if I didn't agree) but with having the kids it's imo important if you feel strong enough that you carry this forward because it will be important later if he tries to use them as tools to carry on trying to control you, like going for custody or if he chooses to not follow the rules put in place or unexpectedly tries to pick them up from school when he's not meant to etc. Having this on record especially if you take it to court means that anything in future that this will be known to the professionals involved and you will be able to show he has a proven history of abuse manipulation and control.

none of what Iv said is to scare you, it's to empower you to not allow him to control the narrative or steal you power.

Oh and well done on both the house hunting and csa!

You are being a fucking rock star!

Just wanted to say that you can do this. And you will do this because your children (and your dog) need you to, and you need to show them what it looks like to be brave and frightened at the same time. I will think about you and them over the coming days and all the other women in your position who are fighting this with you. ❤ Xxx

Here's the thing if you withdraw your complaint you will put your kids at more risk. They don't want to be alone with him and you don't want them alone with him. You need to do everything you can to get as much proof against him into the legal system.

Every threat, you make a complaint. Every bruise, you get documented at the GP.

Make a GPs appointment for you. Talk to her. Document everything.

Get the kids psychologists because they will also write up reports which will help the kids in the long run.

Talk to the vet about the dog. Seriously documents are your friend.

Big red flag. No, no, no. You could die. Please leave.

Sorry just read your update. Well done OP.

Bravo OP!

Am just fitting this one in before midnight as my daily cheer. You are doing amazingly! I admire you so much!!!

Xx