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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:

Alisonjabub · 17/07/2020 03:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Smellbellina · 15/09/2020 23:26

I know my thread is old but I could really do with some wise words. I got a non-mol but he is arguing it. We had a hearing and the judge suggested he talk to a solicitor but he hasn’t he has gone for. a full hearing. I read his statement yesterday and it took me right back to trying to defend myself for ‘provoking’ him and being forced to apologise for things I have not said/done. My solicitor has asked me to respond with ‘observations’ I don’t even know where to begin.
Also, he is representing himself so presumably he will get to cross examine me? I don’t know how I will bear that tbh, sounds silly but I can feel the walls closing in already.
Can I ask for him to have a non-mol granted against me instead? I don’t care who has it as long as it prevents him contacting me. I was going to ask my solicitor this tomorrow but don’t want to sound like an idiot

OP posts:

2018SoFarSoGreat · 15/09/2020 23:56

sorry to hear that you are not yet free of this evil man. I have no words of advice, but I am sending you a (safe) hug and

WithIcePlease · 16/09/2020 00:01

Here to give hugs and I'm sure someone knowledgeable will come along soon

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/09/2020 00:09

You can’t provoke someone into strangling you. That is solely their choice. There is nothing you could have done that would ever justify that response from him.

How many people have annoyed you in your life? How many of them have you strangled?

Just focus on the facts
Did he try to harm you?
How did you feel?

His excuses and justifications are just gaslighting. DO NOT get the non-mol against you. You are the victim and you need that to be acknowledged. It will also potentially affect future help and support if he appears to need protection from you. Please take advice from your solicitor.

Bunnymumy · 16/09/2020 00:21

Just take a breath and calm yourself before answering any of his cross examination questions (if he is even allowed to to do that). As long as you answer clearly and calmly, he will not be able to make you look unstable. The judge will have seen plenty of his kind before. And will probably recognise the arrogance in him instantly.

I assume your solicitor has a good working knowledge of how abusers operate?

Don't let him take it out against you. He will be looking to portray you as the crazy one and if he takes out the non mol against you, that supports his narrative and may cause bigger problems for you in future.

Nyclair · 16/09/2020 00:27

He should have been gone the first time. Don't let there be a third time, you're worth more than that

timeisnotaline · 16/09/2020 00:34

I am not sure re observations but can you take something - a picture of the dc and speak to it or the judge and not look at him? Can someone go with you and help you with this? You’ve done so well.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 16/09/2020 00:38

A non mol against you would just stop you contacting him not the other way around.

Keep arguing for the non mol against him to continue, and keep away from him.

Well done for getting as far as you have. That’s amazing from where you started.

DollyDally · 16/09/2020 01:26

Hello, I’d suggest talking to your solicitor, what do they mean by observations? The non mol is to protect you so if he took one out it wouldn’t help you. Nobody is allowed to strangle you - ever. Stay strong.

CSIblonde · 16/09/2020 02:56

Once is enough. No excuse. 3 strikes applies to things like kids being naughty ,never, ever, violence. Twice indicates it's a pattern of behaviour . We all have behaviour patterns , the pattern is usually set in childhood. It will happen again. Leave. And don't let him know when. Statistically most victims of violence are murdered after telling the abuser they are leaving. Also, never go back alone to collect something you need or want. It's a common tactic to lure you back, then attack you. Take someone in with you. Get ID, passport, meds, sentimental value items hidden or with friends/relative , before you go. Anything else can wait.

Durgasarrow · 16/09/2020 05:19

You aren't a human being to him. You're a thing he owns and can dispose of as he chooses. But you are a human being. You need to live. So leave.

Durgasarrow · 16/09/2020 05:21

There is no provocation that can justify putting hands around a woman's throat.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 16/09/2020 05:26

Bloody hell people, RTFT!

OP, please talk to your solicitor, hopefully they can out your mind at rest.

Porridgeoat · 16/09/2020 05:35

The three strikes rule could be used for small things like calling you inappropriate names. What you’re describing is not appropriate for a three strikes rule. Should be one strike only. Why take the risk, he has shown his colours.

mrspoisson · 16/09/2020 05:37

Has he actually strangled you? Stopped air?

I ask because my now ex who I live with has been putting his hands around my neck as a "joke" but it feels so off to me/unacceptable despite leaving no marks.

Porridgeoat · 16/09/2020 05:38

Sorry op only read half the thread.

Kinny14 · 16/09/2020 05:39

Maybe the third strike will be the last and he’ll actually kill you. Imagine your mam, sister or friend said oh he can strangle me three times but after that I won’t accept it. Why is it acceptable right now? Please leave this man and report him before he kills you

Avelosa · 16/09/2020 07:28

If you’re not going to read the thread at least read the OPs post which couldn’t be any easier. She has already left him and has got a non mol against him and is going through court

crankysaurus · 16/09/2020 07:30

Can you speak with your solicitor about whether he can cross examine you, and if so can the solicitor raise with the judge / magistrate that you are very uncomfortable with this? Keep calm, you've done so well to get to this stage, it'll all be worth it in the end.

YankeeDad · 16/09/2020 07:40

From your last post, it sounds as though the non-mol has already been granted in your favour? If that is right then your current legal situation might be more favourable to you than how you are feeling. It might be that your ex is going to court because it’s the only way for him to bother you without committing an illegal act.

I would suggest to consider asking your solicitor the following questions:

is the current legal situation that the non-mol is in place and valid, and that your ex is required to respect it, and that right now he is trying to get it lessened or removed, and possibly also just to regain power over you by requiring you to engage in court?
do you even have to appear in court at all, or can your solicitor represent you there for the entire hearing?
if you do need to appear in court, what will happen there? If anyone is allowed to ask you questions, then who?
you do need to appear in court, as a person who has been subjected to domestic violence, can you appear without your ex being present? If not, what other steps can be taken to prevent him from intimidating you? Can they put him or you behind a screen? You aren’t asking them to send him to jail, just to leave you alone, so why would justice require that he be given any right to confront you?
regarding the ‘observationsˋ requested by your solicitor, What would be most useful Observations you could make in order to keep the non-mol in place? Would it be best if you only describe the statements and actions that you found abusive? Better if you also describe how you felt? Or not?

PersonaNonGarter · 16/09/2020 07:45

You’ve done so well.

Email your solicitor and ask.

Waveysnail · 16/09/2020 07:56

OLDish thread

harriethoyle · 16/09/2020 07:57

OP, your solicitor can apply for what is known as "special measures" which are designed to make it easier for you at Court. They can include screens, separate waiting area and, crucially, an order from the judge that your ex has to write his questions out in advance then the judge asks them instead of you. It's really important to talk to your solicitor about it because they will have to apply to Court so please be open with her about your concerns.

longwayoff · 16/09/2020 08:01

3? 3 times too many. You know the answer if you want it to stop. Do it.

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