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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP saying 'I love you' to his ex

181 replies

Cheesestring84 · 28/06/2020 20:27

At the end of a phone call and when saying goodbye my dp and his ex say 'I love you'. I told him I find it upsetting and he thinks it is my issue rather than theirs. I know they want to stay friends for the sake of the children but this feels like a step too far. Is it just me?

OP posts:
Socialdistancegintonic · 28/06/2020 23:55

No, no... just full on no.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 29/06/2020 00:07

I think for some people it’s an automatic thing, a bit like accidentally putting a kiss on a text to your boss. The whole “love you bye” thing has recently lost any meaning and I hear loads of people saying it with no sincerity to everyone they speak to!

That being said, my DP’s ex used to say it to him - she’s so loud I can hear her when she’s on the phone to him and she’d always call him baby and say “love you bye” at the end of calls. Felt like a proper kick in the balls! He called her babe on the phone once - and only once! - until I told him that the only person who he says that to is me, or he can piss off.

Socialdistancegintonic · 29/06/2020 00:10

I think that the most effective thing OP can do is to tease her man a LOT about it. He will then feel self conscious and he won’t want to look foolish.

He probably is saying it out of habit. But exes can be VERY bad habits! Children or no children. My Ex used to put kisses on texts when he was feeling a bit meh about his then girlfriend. He doesn’t anymore as she is his wife.

TenShortStories · 29/06/2020 00:20

It sounds like there are certain setups and families in which this happens in means nothing but a friendly,.platonic, co-parenting love.

That doesn't mean you have to be OK with it in your situation. I suppose it's good that he's saying it openly in front of you and not only saying it sneakily when he knows you can't hear. You still feel how you feel though. I'd have a chat and see if you can understand why he feels the desire to declare his love for her, and see if he can understand why you might find it alarming. See how the conversation goes and go from there.

caringcarer · 29/06/2020 00:25

This would piss me off so much.

After 15 years of being married to dh I have just about forgiven ex for cheating on me and I do not allow dc to be disrespectful about him in my ear shot, but I do not even like him.

I could not tolerate my partner telling another woman he loved her. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Nomorepies · 29/06/2020 00:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Jux · 29/06/2020 00:47

I'm sorry, but I think you need to grow up a bit.

Original poster
Cheesestring84 · 29/06/2020 11:27

Have I behaved in a childish way, Jux? Please do enlighten me if so.

OP posts:
TheWordWomanIsTaken · 29/06/2020 11:52

@GinandGobbledegook

What??? I have to wholly disagree with the previous poster.

My DP and his ex have a healthy relationship, they coparent and would go as far as to say they are friends. She came to our wedding and have socialised with him.... BUT.... if either of them said they loved each other I would be so hurt. That's a phrase used only for us or his child.

Is it, not siblings or parents or grandparents or grandchildren? Or close friends? Blimey
HollyBollyBooBoo · 29/06/2020 11:54

Weird but I must admit my ex and I have said it before, more out of habit than anything, it kind of just slips out!

B9008 · 29/06/2020 11:59

Weird

Astella22 · 29/06/2020 12:18

Weird AF and I couldn’t be having it.

BikerWife · 29/06/2020 12:23

I would not date someone who is telling his ex he loves them! YANBU

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 29/06/2020 12:25

I'm sorry, but I think you need to grow up a bit.

Yes because grown-ups all go around saying they love each other Hmm

Frankola · 29/06/2020 12:25

Nope. YANBU. This is weird and crosses too many boundaries

Iwalkinmyclothing · 29/06/2020 12:39

I have no idea whether this is normal, reasonable, whatever, but I do know I would struggle with it very much indeed.

BlueJava · 29/06/2020 12:47

I would find that completely inappropriate and disrespectful. Perhaps he hasn't fully committed to you, he obviously doing it for some reason as he knows you don't like it. Please don't have kids with him for a long while - way after this is sorted out (assuming you stick around - personally I'd question my entire relationship with him and probably leave).

Original poster
Cheesestring84 · 29/06/2020 12:56

TheWordWomanIsTaken presumably you haven't had a sexual/romantic relationship with those people though, there will always be more to it with someone you have had such intimacy with. It blurs boundaries for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesestring84 · 29/06/2020 13:06

I am divorced with two children, am on friendly terms with my ex to coparent. Dp and my exh have been in the same room happily numerous times. We chit chat about the children and current affairs etc but I don't get deep and I certainly don't tell him I love him. My dp is going through divorce, they have two children too. His ex told him she wasn't attracted to him and wanted to see other people years ago until he finally said enough was enough and left. I don't want to feel like I am in some bizarre poly relationship because she doesn't know wtf she wants and he doesn't want to upset her. It is her that says it and then he says it back. It is said in a very gushy ott way, not a quick 'love you, bye'.

OP posts:
Natsel84 · 29/06/2020 13:21

Yanbu...
If my husband told his ex he loved her in an gushy ott way.
I would be questioning why we were together , also he would probably end up wearing his balls as earrings .

makingmammaries · 29/06/2020 14:03

YANBU. Very rude of him to let that continue.

octobersky19 · 29/06/2020 14:10

No way would I accept that

FTMF30 · 29/06/2020 17:58

@Cheesestring84

I am divorced with two children, am on friendly terms with my ex to coparent. Dp and my exh have been in the same room happily numerous times. We chit chat about the children and current affairs etc but I don't get deep and I certainly don't tell him I love him. My dp is going through divorce, they have two children too. His ex told him she wasn't attracted to him and wanted to see other people years ago until he finally said enough was enough and left. I don't want to feel like I am in some bizarre poly relationship because she doesn't know wtf she wants and he doesn't want to upset her. It is her that says it and then he says it back. It is said in a very gushy ott way, not a quick 'love you, bye'.
Seems like the ex wants what she once had and seems like your DP never actually wanted to split up with her.
MamaFirst · 29/06/2020 19:20

I'd be giving him an ultimatum. Totally, completely inappropriate and fucking weird. What are you going to do?

DuckALaurent · 29/06/2020 19:25

It’s weird and disrespectful to you.