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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP saying 'I love you' to his ex

181 replies

Cheesestring84 · 28/06/2020 20:27

At the end of a phone call and when saying goodbye my dp and his ex say 'I love you'. I told him I find it upsetting and he thinks it is my issue rather than theirs. I know they want to stay friends for the sake of the children but this feels like a step too far. Is it just me?

OP posts:
Diverseopinions · 28/06/2020 21:01

I think the thing about ex-partners is that your bond is over love for the children you share. Saying 'I love you' to the child, is a way of giving your ex happiness. Saying 'Thank you for looking after X so well', or 'It's wonderful to see you care so much about X', should be enough. I guess the mutual affection and regard should be inferred and to state it openly after each call is rather unnecessary and going into the territory of worrying the new partner.

I am friends, or was friends, with my ex, and it is sad that his new wife has tried to put a stop to our communication as it had seemed harmless and supportive.. mainly supportive to our child. I agree with the poster who says that banning friendship between exes is making yourself happy at someone else's expense. Often people split because of reasons which make it better for the children to live apart, but it's always a good thing not to spread kindness and affection.

Euclid · 28/06/2020 21:02

Very sad for you OP, especially as you are not married to him, so have no long term commitment from him. I agree that this is out of order.

theendoftheworldasweknowit · 28/06/2020 21:02

I've been mulling on whether I have ever said or would ever say "I love you" to my male best friends.

I think I would only say something like "Love you all" or "Love to you and [wife's name]" because saying "I love you" feels a bit disrespectful of their wives' feelings for some reason. Not sure I can put my finger on why.

I'm not friends with any of my exes, but saying "I love you" to one of them would be downright wrong - it would evoke a type of relationship that no longer exists.

I have said "I love you" to my female best friends before, but only when one of us has been deeply upset, and there's zero ambiguity because we're all straight, and "I love you" clearly only means in a platonic sense. Maybe that's what it boils down to - wanting to avoid any ambiguity for anyone, not just the other person but their partner and family. I mean, why create avoidable drama?

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 28/06/2020 21:05

It’s weird. I would hate it!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/06/2020 21:05

Its very easy to say YABU when it's not you in the situation, isn't it.
Yes im looking at you Creditcrackers. Plenty of people have kids and split up and try to remain affible (sp) for the kids but affible is or should be as far as it goes. I think telling an ex that you love them in front of a new partner is beyond weird and would majorly piss me off. It just isn't done.
The first thing id be saying is. "Well go back to her then seeing as she's such a peach. "

funinthesun19 · 28/06/2020 21:05

That’s really disrespectful towards you!

I still care very much about my children’s father. I love him in a platonic way. But I think telling him I love him would be crossing a boundary. It would become even more of a no go if I had a partner.

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/06/2020 21:05

Hell no! My brother is very good friends with his ex (the mother of his child) and her fiancée-they go on holiday together and all sorts but they don’t end phone conversations with ‘love you’!
I get on pretty well with my ex these days but a simple “bye” at the end of a phone call suffices!

Wilberforce1 · 28/06/2020 21:07

@CreditCrackers response is exactly that Crackers!

Op yadnbu. My dh was married previously and I would hit the roof if he still told his ex that he loved her, wtf it's just ridiculous!!

Carouselfish · 28/06/2020 21:08

There are a million different types of 'love'. Clearly he doesn't mean the romantic kind. But the I love you as someone who carried my children and I shared a significant part of life with kind. I'd much rather a man like that than one who was all 'she was a crazy bitch' about his ex. I think it's quite a mature and bigger picture way to think.

ginandmoregin1 · 28/06/2020 21:08

Baffled at @creditcrackers response, maybe she's the ex. No other logical reason for someone sane to think this is acceptable.

YANBU at all, I wouldn't put up with that. Totally inappropriate!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/06/2020 21:11

No only is it unfair on you. It's also and primarily unfair on their kids. How confusing is would it be hearing your mum and dad saying they love each other yet they're not together. Adults can to a certain extent see grey areas
, I suppose. However to kids everything is black and white

Lovemusic33 · 28/06/2020 21:12

Would he be happy if you were saying it to your ex? I’m sure he wouldn’t like it.

It’s weird and creepy.

PurpleSproutingSomething · 28/06/2020 21:14

The thing is, I do kind of get @CreditCrackers response, I still love my ex husband, but I'm definitely not in love with him. Yes we had a child together and he's annoying as hell, but he's been like my best friend and we just happened to get married and have a baby.

I'm not sure I'd want him to tell me he loved me though if he had a long term partner and I wouldn't tell him, but I'm sure he knows.

1FootInTheRave · 28/06/2020 21:17

It's weird and I'd be outta there asap.

incognitomum · 28/06/2020 21:17

No fucking way in hell's chance!

YANBU in neon. What a pair of weirdos.

Babesinthewud · 28/06/2020 21:17

YABU. He had children with this woman so it's not that absurd to continuing loving her beyond their relationship ending. It can become a platonic love like an old friend or a sister. You have no right to try and come between them or change their relationship. Buck up and stop trying to make everyone else's life hard (especially children) to make yourself happy

@CreditCrackers

For real????

Are you single by any chance???

PinkCrayon · 28/06/2020 21:19

Its weird and unnecessary.

amusedtodeath1 · 28/06/2020 21:20

Wow, is that a glitch or did someone just post the same thing over an over or is it me? Shock

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/06/2020 21:21

It would upset me and my fiance if I did it!

trappedbytheangel · 28/06/2020 21:22

"I Love you"?
No, that's really off. I'd be absolutely furious

EatsShootsAndRuns · 28/06/2020 21:22

YABU. He had children with this woman so it's not that absurd to continuing loving her beyond their relationship ending. It can become a platonic love like an old friend or a sister

Tell me, what colour is the sky on your planet? Hmm

SpillTheTeaa · 28/06/2020 21:23

Nah weird as fuck.
Do give over if anything it's confusing the children.
Why don't they just be together if they still love each other? I would not be wasting my time OP.

Babesinthewud · 28/06/2020 21:23

BTW my ex and the father of my children was at our wedding (my new husband and I) and I even have a key to his house to get stuff for DC.

I get in with his parents to the point they also came to our wedding and at Xmas but both DH and I a gift.

I’m often on the phone to my ex about DC...
But.... there is no way on this planet would we ever say we love each other. I absolutely do not love him I’m any way shale it form.

So it’s absolutely weird for an ex couple to still say this, DC or no children. Absolutely bizarre!!

SpillTheTeaa · 28/06/2020 21:24

Also if my ex said he loved me I'd gag, be sick, then bathe myself in dettol.

amusedtodeath1 · 28/06/2020 21:24

YANBU OP, I'd find that difficult to deal with tbh and if he can't see why I'd be out of there. Sorry OP Flowers

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