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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP saying 'I love you' to his ex

181 replies

Cheesestring84 · 28/06/2020 20:27

At the end of a phone call and when saying goodbye my dp and his ex say 'I love you'. I told him I find it upsetting and he thinks it is my issue rather than theirs. I know they want to stay friends for the sake of the children but this feels like a step too far. Is it just me?

OP posts:
Maggie90 · 28/06/2020 22:23

My ex says ‘love you both’ at the end of a phone call or when he’s dropping child back off or vice versus etc. I used to feel uneasy about it because it was in front of his partner and didn’t want to feel sad about it but she doesn’t seem to react.

My child once asked him why he says love you still to me and he simply said I am the mother of his child and will always be family. Absolutely nothing romantic. I do not say it back I just say ‘yep,bye’.

We have been separated for 11 years and there is absolutely zero romantic feelings on either side, I probably see him more like a brother now.

My DP hears him say it and doesn’t mind either, he just thinks it’s more of a family in love you’, but I suppose I don’t say it back so may be easier on my side.

I do think it’s abit odd to say it in front of new DP but I also know it’s not meant to be inappropriate from ex.

Leflic · 28/06/2020 22:33

Is he a man of limited words? My ex liked to talk in cliches; everything was “ bless” or some hackneyed euphemism.His phone conversations would always start and finish with the same sentences regardless of why he called me.
What does he say when you tell him he’s upsetting you saying it?

Dominicgoings · 28/06/2020 22:35

Wouldn’t bother me. If your relationship is otherwise rock solid and secure I’d see it as a positive thing for the kids involved.
Mind you there’s as much chance of me telling my ex I loved him as there is of Elvis winning the National on Shergar Wink

askgoogle · 28/06/2020 22:36

I have a good relationship with my ex husband, it is not always easy but we have our children's best interest at heart, and our extended family. We talk about the children over the phone, see each other regularly and share special occasions like kids birthdays and Christmas. Never did it occur to me, or him to say I love you, that's odd. You can care for someone without saying or thinking that.But they may be doing that as they do as friends, that is OK if you are OK, have a chat with him

MamaFirst · 28/06/2020 22:37

How anyone can see this as acceptable is absolutely beyond me. I would be saying 'if you love her, then you should be with her.'

Hell. No.

Sarahplane · 28/06/2020 22:37

Yadnbu. I wouldn't be happy with this.

Onestepup · 28/06/2020 22:38

YANBU.

BrummyMum1 · 28/06/2020 22:49

He needs to put your feelings before the feelings of his ex. If you’re not happy about him saying it then he shouldn’t be saying it. It’s not a big ask surely.

Branleuse · 28/06/2020 22:53

I wonder what else hes gaslighting you about

Louise91417 · 28/06/2020 22:59

Mu ex husband is my best friend...we'v been separated for a long time and have 2 dc together. I think the world of him and he is the most decent individual you would ever meet but i would never end a phone call with him saying "i love you". Not only would it be confusing for my 2 older children to hear but it would be totally disrespectful to his partner.. anyone saying they would be ok with this is seriously over-trying to he coolHmm

Newbie1999 · 28/06/2020 23:00

Nope.

Lollypop4 · 28/06/2020 23:01

I would hate.
It would be a "Stop saying it, or I leave" scenario

Thehop · 28/06/2020 23:04

My ex and I get on very well. In fact, we’re meeting up with him and his wife on holiday next year so our children scan go between families......but this is way over the line. Weird as chuff. I like him, I respect him. But we don’t bloody love each other! I wouldn’t be able to live with this if my husband and and his ex did it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/06/2020 23:04

YANBU. I get on brilliantly with my ex husband and we co parent but no way would we ever say "I love you" to each other. That's weird.

CambsAlways · 28/06/2020 23:19

Bloody weird, you are not being unreasonable

IdblowJonSnow · 28/06/2020 23:21

Depends on the context but still weird. If they still love each other why split up?!

Also confusing for the kids, nevermind you!

Yanbu.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 28/06/2020 23:24

It's a no from me. You don't say that in front of your new partner- disrespectful. To children yes, even your ex mil but not your ex wife.

Cramitmaam · 28/06/2020 23:26

Clearly absolutely no one on this thread are viewing this from anyone other than OP's perspective. Imagine if your parents broke up but remained in a really good place with each other, then your dad started dating someone else and she said he wasn't allowed to say "I love you" to your mum anymore - even though your dad did still love your mum. Would you still think it's reasonable? If you don't want to be with someone who loves someone else then don't be with someone who has a child with someone else. It's your choice who you're with, it's not your choice how he feels or what he says.

Um...what?

It's really weird and inappropriate that he says that. Not sure what some people are on about...

NudgeUnit · 28/06/2020 23:26

Oh god, just no. Why did they split up if they still love each other so much they have to behave like teenagers on the phone? Have they always been like this or have they come full circle after a period of hostilities? Has his ex got a new partner, and if so what does he think about it? So many questions, but none of them as relevant as the fact that it upsets you. Why is that not more important to him?

roxfox · 28/06/2020 23:42

@amusedtodeath1

Seriously, is no one else seeing the same post 16, yes16 times on page 3 or is my phone goosed?
Yup lol
EKGEMS · 28/06/2020 23:45

creditcrackers Get some professional help

eaglejulesk · 28/06/2020 23:47

Omg some of these comments! It is really bloody weird why did they split if they still love each

It is possible to love someone but not be able to live with them anymore, for all sorts of reasons. I love you is not the same as I'm in love with you.

FannyFernackerpan · 28/06/2020 23:49

There's no fucking way on earth I'd be putting up with my partner saying "I love you" to his ex. I don't care if they've got two kids or twenty kids together, the point is - they aren't together and he is, supposedly with me.

You're not the one with the issue love, it's your husband and his ex. If they 'love' each other then they've got no business bringing others into the mix.

I'd go absolutely apeshit if I heard my partner saying 'I love you' to his ex on the phone. He'd be flying out of the door with my boot up his arse.

CelestialSpanking · 28/06/2020 23:54

I think it’s great he and his ex want to remain friends and coparent their children effectively even though they aren’t together. But him saying “I love you” to her is a step way too far imo. I’d be really concerned/upset/pissed off.

roxfox · 28/06/2020 23:54

I wouldn't stand for this at all.... I did start to wonder tho, if DH and I ever split... I wonder if we'd still be friends and if we'd still say I love you... he is after all, my best friend as well as my husband.

Still, I wouldn't allow that, especially not in your presence when you've been clear you do not like it!