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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP saying 'I love you' to his ex

181 replies

Cheesestring84 · 28/06/2020 20:27

At the end of a phone call and when saying goodbye my dp and his ex say 'I love you'. I told him I find it upsetting and he thinks it is my issue rather than theirs. I know they want to stay friends for the sake of the children but this feels like a step too far. Is it just me?

OP posts:
romdowa · 28/06/2020 20:42

My parents split over 20 years ago , they get on really well and still talk frequently even though we are grown , dad takes mom shopping weekly etc and even they dont say I love you to each other.
Yanbu in the slightest and I would be off as quick as lightening. Completely inappropriate and crosses so many boundaries

CreditCrackers · 28/06/2020 20:43

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult It is not disrespectful to love the person who carried and raised your children. My husband says "I love you" to people all the time - his friends, his sisters, his dad, his cousins, his aunt... If I kicked up a fuss then I'd just be changing his words, not his feelings.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 28/06/2020 20:43

I wouldn’t like it you’re not weird at all OP they are.

Isitbedtimeyet4 · 28/06/2020 20:43

How does he say it? I say ‘love you’ at the end of every phone conversation with my best friend (male, have been best friends for many many years) and I’ve never once meant it in an ‘I’m in love with you’ way, but then again I’ve also never been romantically involved with him in any way... I think between exes it’s hard not to feel there’s some underlying feelings.
I don’t think I’d say it to an ex and expect my DH to be okay with it, and I wouldn’t be okay with him saying it to an ex either I don’t think.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 28/06/2020 20:44

I won’t like it if exh said it to me! Grin

userxx · 28/06/2020 20:44

Weird as fuck.

Bollss · 28/06/2020 20:45

My husband says "I love you" to people all the time - his friends, his sisters, his dad, his cousins, his aunt

But that's totally different because he hasn't had sex with all those people. It's a different relationship entirely.

Greenkit · 28/06/2020 20:45

He would be my expartner if he was saying that to his ex

PinkiOcelot · 28/06/2020 20:45

I wouldn’t like it at all. It’s unnecessary too.

PP above, who thinks YABU is weird.

D4rwin · 28/06/2020 20:45

YANBU they are, or one of them, is keeping things "on a back burner" and it is hugely confusing for children the involved as they need a clear definition of the boundaries involved in the relationship.

Original poster
Cheesestring84 · 28/06/2020 20:46

@CreditCrackers

Clearly absolutely no one on this thread are viewing this from anyone other than OP's perspective. Imagine if your parents broke up but remained in a really good place with each other, then your dad started dating someone else and she said he wasn't allowed to say "I love you" to your mum anymore - even though your dad did still love your mum. Would you still think it's reasonable? If you don't want to be with someone who loves someone else then don't be with someone who has a child with someone else. It's your choice who you're with, it's not your choice how he feels or what he says.
My feelings in a relationship count for sod all then, eh? For what it is worth I understand the happiness it gives children to see everyone getting along. Demonstrated when my ex has had lunch with me, dp and all of the children when he has brought them home etc. There are surely far healthier ways of ensuring the children are happy than the blurred lines of their parents saying 'I love you' to one and other. Note their mum won't have a cuppa or anything with us all together and I have never been the other woman or done anything but respect her, so less of the attack on me with regards to the happiness of the children please.
OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 28/06/2020 20:46

It is not disrespectful to love the person who carried and raised your children

I never said it was. They can be in a good place, love and respect each other, that's great for them and their kids. What isnt great is saying "I love you" to an ex at the end of every phone call, when your partner hates it.

OP should not have to listen to her DP saying he loves his ex all the time.

FTMF30 · 28/06/2020 20:47

@creditcrackers I think you may have some personal issues that you are projecting onto this post. If I were the child in the situation, I would think my mum and dad were getting back together if they declared their love for eachother after a phone call.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2020 20:49

You’re not wrong at all. It’s weird and totally disrespectful to you. He’s the one with the issue. She’s not his granny or his best mate. She’s his ex. If he’s still telling her he loves her he’s not ready to be in a relationship with you, or anyone else.

This is a big bloody deal OP. He doesn’t care what you think or that it upsets you. Not okay. How long have you been together?

WhoUsedMyName · 28/06/2020 20:51

Omg some of these comments! It is really bloody weird why did they split if they still love each other weird af

Cauterize · 28/06/2020 20:52

Bloody hell @CreditCrackers** Grin what a bizarre response!

OP YANBU - this is not appropriate. I assume they are no longer in a relationship because they DON'T love each other. They certainly shouldn't be saying it whilst in a relationship with someone else, it's completely disrespectful.

maudspellbody · 28/06/2020 20:54

No. Not ok.

I get on really well with my ex and his wife.

I love him in a kind of platonic way and am linked to him forever as the father of my DS, but I would never say 'I love you' to him as a matter of course - and would expect his wife to be very unhappy if I did. It's just not appropriate.

Toxalina · 28/06/2020 20:54

If the dad still loved the mum he shouldnt he dating someone else as hes clearly not over the relationship and its completely unfair

GetUpAgain · 28/06/2020 20:55

I think it is a bit odd but I guess it depends on the rest of their interactions. There is a radio 1 thing of ending calls with a Love You which is fine and cheery and a few work people do it, but 'I love you' to an ex could contain an unsaid STILL which is messy...

Zenithbear · 28/06/2020 20:56

Yanbu.
Still has Intense feelings of love for his ex?
That would be a deal breaker for me.

ballsdeep · 28/06/2020 20:56

Not ok. I'd be fuming. I think it's really disrespectful

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2020 20:58

No way, I'd be out the door.

Do you have children with him?

Standrewsschool · 28/06/2020 20:59

Yes, I think it’s a bit weird also.

However, not sure whether he will stop if you already have had a discussion about it.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/06/2020 21:00

Why is he with you if he Loves her ?

Weird

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 28/06/2020 21:01

No need for this and I often get called a cool wife on here (not a compliment) for being fairly laid back about DH and other women/friends etc . A one off by accident with much cringing I could accept (my female colleague hung up the other day with 'bye love you', followed by a flurry of text messages along the lines of aaarrrggghh sorry slip of the tongue, not that I don't think you're great! ...) . Consistently I'd find it disrespectful. Their good co parenting relationship and mutual respect models positive behaviour to their child, there's no need for it, take care/speak soon etc would more than suffice

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