To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

@Destroyedpeople

I get the strong feeling with my grandchild that I could do a better job and have a more chilled out time than I did with my children. Maybe she is just enjoying that.

I don't have grandchildren yet, but that's what I'm looking forward to...

I don’t think it’s that Strange rly my mum will have my boys on her own

I find this very odd when it concerns babies. I'm 50 and I don't think this used to be a thing, even when grandparents were very involved they didn't pressure to spirit babies away from their parents. I do think there is an element of competitive grandparenting fuelled by social media.
I understand it more once they are walking and talking, because 1:1 you can be "silly" and sing and talk nonsense unselfconsciously. However, if it is accompanied by a dismissive or hostile attitude towards the parents it would put me right off. I'd be worried about it being communicated to my child "Granny and Betty have lots of fun together don't we? It's much better without boring old mummy bossing us about..."
I think my mum had my daughter overnight and on her own from just under 3 years old, about twice a year, my in-laws a little older, - they saw her more often as they lived closer so weren't interested in overnights or this "alone time". We went to our grandma's without mum from the age of about 5 in the 1970s, She lived nearly 3 hours away.

One other thing OP, I'm younger than your mum (possibly) but being over 50 has made me lose my confidence a bit with driving, so maybe that's why she's happiest with you doing the drop off pick up?
My mother said that they were really hard-up when my brother and I were little and had to scrimp and save for shoes for us. Now she gets a chance to treat my DD in a way she couldn't (but wanted) to treat us.

I regard it as perfectly normal GP relationship with GCs. Having the GC's on their own (without their parents), is one of the joys of family life, equally enjoyed by us, the GC's and their parents.

Has anyone missed the part where the mother calls herself mummy and jokingly says "oops"

Coming from a family where my MIL demanded alone time with her grandchildren only for them to start calling her mummy and their own mother (her daughter) by her first name.
I was on guard and never allowed it.
Those kids still call MiL mummy lol.

She sounds overbearing and that she does want to play mummy.

It's not weird for grandparents to want time alone with their grandchildren - if Mummy or Daddy is around they will naturally be the child's primary focus, so it's nice for grandparents to have the chance to develop a relationship independent of the child's parents.

That said, if you EVER get any feeling that something is "off" about it then trust your instinct. For every 97 grandparents who are lovely and nice, 3 will be paedophiles.

Sorry, I meant to say grandfathers, not grandparents in general. Obviously men are far more likely to be paedophiles than women.

It's not wrong for grandparents to have alone time, but this isn't something that needs to happen initially.

Babies need to form that primary bond, with their primary caregiver. A grandparent from either side demanding alone time, especially overnights, when the baby is very little isn't considering the baby's best interests, they are only considering their own wants.

There's plenty of time in a child's life to bond with grandparents.

@rayoflightboy
I love having my gc on their own.My relationship to them is different.I dont like the way its implied here that we are pedos for wanting time alone with gc.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous, my comment did not imply that grandparents are 'pedos' for wanting to spend time with their grandchildren.

The OP is uneasy about a specific set of circumstances, and my comments were in response to that. She isn't asking if its OK for grandparents to have a relationship with their grandparents, she is asking if it is OK that her mum is behaving in a particular way about it. I don't think that OP should put up with this situation. And some family members (I didn't actually specify grandparents) are very intense when the children are young, but when the children develop personalities of their own, and can speak up for themselves, it can sometimes make them less appealing to the family member. I've seen this happen in my own family, let alone other families. It's infuriating that I have to clarify that not all grandparents are like that, I never said that they were!

*grandparents have a relationship with their grandchildren.

That level of interest never seems to extend in to tween or teenage years, does it? Its funny that once children are less maleable, they become less interesting for some family members.

This! My eldest two are older now, so their grandparents aren’t interested anymore. They only wanted to take charge when they were babies or toddlers.

I completely get where you’re coming from OP. With my own DM and MIL it was all about point scoring and one-up-manship. I was hopeless/useless and they knew so much better. It was very unhelpful. When my sister had a baby, as much as I wanted to scoop him up, I stepped back and asked what I could do to help rather than take over and criticise.

Sorry but a grandma calling herself mummy ( and then saying oops) is just downright weird

I don't think this is black or white. It depends on motivation, and the behaviour that results from that motivation.

If grandma is happy to have the child alone as granny - to play with them, spoil them a bit, cuddle them a lot - that's fine and gives the parents some breathing space. It's when grandma wants to have the child as mummy that there are problems. Because that's when you get into the realms of taking the baby for its first hair cut, feeding it inappropriate food, generally taking ownership rather than recognising she is only borrowing the baby for a bit, and believing that she's a far better mummy to the baby than the one it's actually got. And then you can head into the territory of 'you love granny more than mummy, don't you' and the calling herself mummy when mum isn't around (which is why they don't want proper mum on the scene).

Reliving their own children's childhood is one thing. It's another when they're bulldozing and steamrollering and riding roughshod, and telling themselves - and believing - that they really are mummy.

So TL;DR - what's the DM's motivation here?

I wouldn’t like this either Op

Though my. Other is a narcissist that was so obsessed with my eldest she turned him completely against me and he moved in with her. She then took me to court for Pr. She had a lot of “lone time” with him, took him on holiday, never wanted me around.

She’s not allowed to see my younger ones at all.

@MoreSchnitzelPlease

That level of interest never seems to extend in to tween or teenage years, does it? Its funny that once children are less maleable, they become less interesting for some family members.

Yes it does. But teenagers have busy lives and often don't find the time to keep up the relationship with their grandparents. I know of some grandparents who find that hard. Even though they understand why it happens.

It's not about teens not being 'malleable' any more. It's about them naturally not spending as much time with their grandparents. And wise grandparents know that the more they sound needy, the less they'll see of their GCs. So they suffer in silence and miss them a fair bit.

@Thehop thats extreme i grant you.

But we are not all like that.

@SerendipitySunshine Has to put her own bounderies in place and be happy with it.Shes the only one able to take a stand.

I do agree with the comment about teenagers actually. If you have a nice relationship with a grandparent then that doesn’t diminish in quality over the teenage years, they may have less time, but the bond is still there.

It is very telling when grandparents seem only interested in the malleable younger kids. My MIL is far more interested in my DS who has special needs, and unfortunately I do suspect it is because he is far, far more mealleable and has no sense of the world. She had far less interest in her other grandchildren. Big red flag!

My DSIL and DBIL died very suddenly within two years of each other, leaving a son who had just left Uni and who had no deep bonds with either family. He ended up floundering for a few years, and we were unable to help him because he didn't have a close bond with any of us. He had friends to support him, but they had all just started jobs and moved around the country. This brought home to me the importance of making good family bonds. It's important for your child that there is someone they can turn to if they need to. The more people who love and care for your kids the better, you don't know what's round the corner.

I spent half my childhood with my Nana without my mother being there, and have wonderful memories of those times. Grandparents have time to do the fun things which parents often don't, and it's lovely to be able to forge a bond. It's not the same if three generations are together, it just isn't.

I believe you are overthinking this.

My DD is only small at the moment and EBF but since she's been here all MIL has tried to get DD on her own. No one apart from DH has looked after her but MIL does weird things like calling the baby her baby and "slipping up" and saying mama instead of nana. She got weird with me when I wouldn't let her out take her in the pram when she was a few days old despite the fact I'd never taken the baby out myself. She also bought bottles and formula for her house despite my DD having severe CMPA. We went for a socially distanced meal at theirs and she "forgot" to get anything I could eat (as dairy free for DD) but also "forgot" to tell me that until we arrived, so I had nothing. She constantly talks about me giving up breastfeeding so she can have her overnight! If she can't remember to buy food that isn't going to make DD poorly or try and undermine me and feed her formula that will make her really sick, there's no chance she's having her alone! However, I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents and I'd like her to, too, so I bite my tongue or lightly rebuff anything that upsets me, and when she's big enough to tell Nana that she's Nana not Mama and refuse to eat things that might make her ill then I'll consider allowing her alone with her. I have a fantastic relationship with my own DM and she absolutely would never undermine me and I trust her to put DD first, still, she is happy to wait to have DD alone until it makes me comfortable. I wouldn't feel happy about being shooed away but only you know whether she's trying to take over or to give you a break.

My dds simply loved me having the dgc all day, every day and weekends and taking them on holiday. In fact they enjoyed time without their children in the knowledge they were perfectly safe and happy with me. Dgd are now 17 and 18 and still stay at mine!
If my dds did not want me to see them or have them on my own I would have been deeply hurt and offended thinking they did not trust me to look after their DC. OP think that is your problem.

@rayoflightboy no, I know. My mother in law is lovely, and I know I’ll love being a grandma, and love babysitting if I’m asked to when the time comes.

It's just the 'alone time's that I find a bit strange. Maybe I'm overthinking it. She likes seeing me and she likes seeing them, so why not us all together?

Because grandparents' job, in part, is to spoil their grandchildren, to buy them sweets when out, and toys when it isn't their birthday, to not make them eat their veg.

Grandparents get to say 'yes' to the things they had to say 'no' to you for, and those are the things you would have to say 'no' to as well.

They also want to show off their grandchildren to the neighbours and friends, I remember going to my granddad's workplace with him to see how a mill worked.

They lived near a fire station and I've had more than one visit there.

My mums relationship with my dd who is now 22 is still close. They were even planning a holiday together, as my df has no appetite for travelling abroad and my mum would like to see Italy. I love that they have a close relationship!