To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

Lots of GPs just want to take the kids off to 'play' without the parents fussing around, how else would they spoil them and get away with it,,,

She might think she's giving you a break?

That level of interest never seems to extend in to tween or teenage years, does it? Its funny that once children are less maleable, they become less interesting for some family members.
Not always true.
Many if the teens I work have a difficult rela5with their parents but have a strong bond with their grandparents. Often the grandparents have stepped in to stop relationships completely breaking down and I out that down to having a good bond being made when the children were younger.

Also teens in general gravitate away from family as they become teens as they find out what their own tastes, interests are and as they end their teens come back to the family. As the saying goes ' you've got to go away to come back'

I can understand the alone time. It's a completely different dynamic when mum is there.

My children were close to their grandparents right up until their deaths. I know dfil treasured the times my sons spent with him. He had them in the garage making wooden toys with saws and hammers when they were only five and as teens when he was getting older they helped him put down decking, remodel his garden etc. He loved spending time with them and our dc loved spending time with him. Dd even gave dgs her grandfather's name to honour his memory as she holds him so dear. I think it's really sad if you can't allow the GP's to establish their own bonds with your dc and realistically to do that they need time with the dc alone.

@aNiceBigCupOfFuCoffee Same here!!!! My mil hated it that bf worked out so perfectly for me and the first day I came home from
Hospital she actually said "I can't wait for her to tell you "mummy I want to stay at mamas house" and I cant wait for her to come round when you are not here". I was thankful for that moment because I got the heads up early on how crazy she is.

With the mama issue. I've never allowed no alone time (dd is 2.5 now) and she still tries it even though dd calls her by the correct cultural term.

And I advise you not to allow her to have alone time for a long time because my mil managed to get her other gc to call her mama through "alone time" I seen it happen. Those kids are now 13/10/4 and they call mil "mama" and their own mother "mama first name" it's actually ridiculous

Trust your instincts.

@fallon mine had lots of alone time but called the GP's by their christian names as they preferred. Children know who their parents are regardless of the name they give their GP's. One of my grandmas was nanna and the other was mamma to distinguish between the two I was under no illusion that mamma was my mummy.

I think your mum is marvellous you will get a bit of alone time and the kids will love it.

I always remember being with my gran and enjoying it more when my mum wasn't there. Special moments.

My MIL is like this. My DD and her play silly games and do things together my MIL would be too self conscious to do in front of me. Sleepovers at granny's are the highlight of her life at 4. Grandparents it seems like being bossed around and indulging grand children.

@hiredandsqueak I do understand it works out for some, and even my nieces and nephews are under no illusion who is who. As my mil likes to point out "when dgs talks to his friends he calls me his grandma only to me does he say mama" I just find it disrespectful to the mum.

I spent a huge amount of time with my grandparents when I was a child, as did my brother. Those times are a fundamental part of who we are today, our interests and our skills, along with our parents' influence.

Interestingly, my GM was not a good mother at all. My Mum's relationship with her was fraught, in hindsight. But she was an excellent (if unsoppy) grandmother, and my Mum always recognised that and encouraged the relationships.

So don't write off your DMs or MILs as GPs because your own relationship with them isn't perfect.

My dad is like this. He is reliving our younger years. He often tells me it was the best part of his life and it went too quickly.

That's fine with me, I loved spending time with my grand parents

My parents prefer having my kids without me there. I get it and I also love it because I get a break!!

@nopoo

My dad is like this. He is reliving our younger years. He often tells me it was the best part of his life and it went too quickly.

That's fine with me, I loved spending time with my grand parents

Yep. I don't know why people sneer at the idea of GP's 'reliving' their past with the GCs. Isn't that a nice thing? That they loved you so much when you were little and that they loved parenting you so much that they want to enjoy aspects of that again?

I am not remotely a pushy GP (though my DGD is only seven months old yet) but yes, I'm absolutely looking forward to playing with her and enjoying seeing the world through her eyes, as I did with her mum and aunt. That wonder in new things, that outlook on life - it was a joy to share when mine were young, and I expect it to be a joy second time round, too.

@notacooldad
Absolutely. I was a bit of a tearaway teen and was a bit hideous to my mum, but my bond with my nana ( actually my great aunt but that's a different complicated story) was never fraught. I confided in her always as she seemed able to listen without judgement or panic. It was a lovely easy relationship. Invaluable.

OMFG, I'm dreading being a granny sometimes with what's on here.
She's enjoying her grandchildren ffs.
Your lucky you have this, many don't.

Im dreading being a granny sometimes with whats on here

I totally hear you! In all likelihood I will be a granny in the next 5 years, I just hope my boys don't turn into paranoid weirdos when the babies start arriving!

i honestly think though that a lot of it on here is just entitled arrogant behaviour. It's like "right mum and dad I've had everything off you, and you did every thing for me but I've got my own family now so you can bugger off. I don't have any use for you anymore - Oh until we need a babysitter of course!"

Anyone want my DC? MIL has looked after them 3 times (only 1 and at a time). The eldest is now 14! My parents havent had them for over 4 years. Anyone? Pleeasssssssseeese

I get what you mean OP. Mine is the same. Sits drinking tea and sulking if I'm there, but spends the whole time taking photos for fb of her "precious time with her GC" when she gets them alone. No proper interaction, just showing off to her friends. Sends me videos of them running across carparks while she laughs and films 6ft away. DC always protest when going there.

MIL would go AWOL and come back an hour after scheduled time due back. Refuse to give them the food I sent whilst weaning, and feed them treats at 6 months. Buy them clothes to wear and hide the tags and receipts in the bag I packed their change of clothes in, but DC love spending time there.

Some GP seem to view it as a second go at parenting and like the control. MIL is fairly harmless and means well, so I remind of safety and leave her to it. DM is problematic in lots of ways, so I have enforced firm limits with her and she now doesn't get unsupervised time.

Step M on the other hand is a delight. Asks what they're allowed to eat/drink, treats in moderation. Only GP that they can stay overnight with as I trust her judgement completely and DC adore spending time there.

Isn't being a grandparent like being a parent only without the bad bits?

@SerenDippitty

Isn't being a grandparent like being a parent only without the bad bits?

Apparently not any more. That’s how it was when my mum had my son, to the benefit of all concerned.

Now it seems to be a world of pain where you’re distrusted, regarded with suspicion and micro managed if you’re allowed an hour or two with the little darlings. I’m very grateful it’s very unlikely I’ll have any. I always thought I was missing out but it looks as if I’ve dodged a bullet.

My Dgd will ( fingers crossed) be starting uni at Kings in London in September and she insists I am to go every month on the train so that we can have dinner together! Also she said she wished she could ' shrink' me and put me in her pocket to be with her all the time😄

Unless your mum is behaving in a way you find problematic when you're not there, I can't see the problem. And having to drop them there and back - is that really such a big deal? I mean, if she's only having them for 30 minutes, perhaps it is, but assuming she's having them for an afternoon or a full day, I can't see this as a big deal?

I do think absolutely that the way grandparents act with children is different when your'e there. And that's (usually) to the benefit of everyone involved. Playing, engaging etc with DGC is definitely not the same when you're also trying to talk to their parent about their new job or catching up on news of local friends and neighbours, for example.

Of course some grandparents are a nightmare. But I never understand this attitude against grandparents on here. I don't 100% agree with the way MIL acts or the things her and the DC do together but.... they are safe always and, more importantly, LOVED, and they love it. As does she. And that, it seems to me, is the beauty of it. Their experiences are different with her.

Oh that is lovely Sostenueto.

I didn't have close grandparents and my parents have no interet in my children sadly
I hope to be v involved when my children have children though, but it won't be soemthjng theyre used to.

Im really sad for them they dont have other adults that lvoe them. I used to be v envious at school of those who used to "go to granny's house on a Friday..."

@Sostenueto, that’s absolutely lovely. I am missing out, aren’t I?