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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘Our baby’

169 replies

OlivejuiceU2 · 27/06/2020 15:27

Could really do with some perspective on something that is bothering me. I’m 37 weeks pregnant with first baby so not sure if it’s my hormones?

Baby will be the first on my side of the family and it’s fair to say everyone is very excited. It has been difficult as older sibling desperately wants their own but has a number of issues that would prevent that from happening at the moment.

Since announcing that I’m pregnant I’ve had to deal with all kinds of comments and behaviour from them which up until now I have not said anything about as I understand they are struggling seeing their sibling have something they so desperately want. Examples include being rude to my friends on zoom baby shower, saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth).

Things have been slightly better more recently but now they are referring to the baby as ‘our baby’. For some reason I find this really odd and not sure how to feel about it. Because of their issues I will not be allowing them to have sole care of my baby at any point but I’m starting to think they think they will be.

Should I say anything or correct them when they saying this? Or stop overthinking it.

OP posts:
Liveandforget · 27/06/2020 15:38

I would have cut them out of my life for that baby ripping you at the birth comment. They sound dangerous.

Defo say something re the our baby comment. Don't be a doormat. Your baby's counting on your protection from this person, this is the best time to practise being an assertive mother.

Euclid · 27/06/2020 15:40

Why do you say"they"? Your sibling is a he or a she.

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 27/06/2020 15:42

Nah, they'd not be part of my babys life.

Bibijayne · 27/06/2020 15:43

Yikes. Have you spoken to your parents and partner about your concerns?

Nonononon · 27/06/2020 15:44

No i think you need to protect your baby from them tbh. Stand your ground here. However uncomfortable it makes you. Can you reduce contact with them? How often do you see them?
You've been understanding enough and yes it's awful for them (my sil was getting ivf when I fell pregnant with dd so I kimd of understand, you somehow feel guilty too) but this person sounds scary.
Do they have MH issues too?
How did the "rip you apart" comment come about??Confused

MamaDane · 27/06/2020 15:45

I think it's just your hormones, OP. I'm sure your sibling is just very excited (and of course sadly also jealous). Be kind to them, infertility is difficult.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 27/06/2020 15:47

I'd nit be having contact with this person. They sound unhinged

EarWeGo · 27/06/2020 15:47

My family calls all family babies "our baby", so if my sister were to fall pregnant, I would call her child "our baby/my baby" and then when named "our name". But its common where we live (NW) and I have a solid relationship with her.

Your sister sounds incredibly jealous and it's coming out as rudeness and unkindness. Leave her to it. Just protect your baby (and yourself) from the negativity and disengage. Don't be drawn in.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 27/06/2020 15:48

@MamaDane really? This person wishes serious harm on the OP during labour and it's just her hormones? Shock

EarWeGo · 27/06/2020 15:48

Sorry, I assumed sister. Exchange it for brother if necessary.

Oldestchild90s · 27/06/2020 15:49

I'm 33 weeks, some of my family are in the position where they cannot conceive and ivf hasn't worked and stuff. They are not horrible to me! It's not your hormones OP it's just your weird family.

Merryoldgoat · 27/06/2020 15:50

The comment about ripping you apart would be enough to stay away.

A) why the obfuscation of gender?
B) what issues are stopping them having their own children?

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 27/06/2020 15:50

@Euclid the OP doesn't want the be recognised.

OP tell your partner about your sibling's comments and that they are to never to be left alone with or visit alone with your child.

In regards to your parents you will probably start a family arguement if you go into details but you can make it clear you don't get on.

You will have to cope with them at family events but you don't need to see them otherwise.

Gulabjamoon · 27/06/2020 15:50

Why do you say"they"? Your sibling is a he or a she.

Maybe OP is afraid it’s outing. Although from baby shower it sounds like sib is sis.

OP, in your situation I would maintain low contact and ensure baby is supervised at all times, until you feel sibling is in a better place.

My view is coloured by the fact that I have a sister who would destroy things I had, as children and adults, rather than let me have them. We’re NC but I’m sure hatred would extend to dc.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2020 15:51

Honestly, I would say something right now, and be prepared to piss them off, because if you don't it's likely that they will spoil things in some way when you've just given birth which is a far, far worse prospect than anything else, including a stand-up row now.

When you've just given birth you'll be mentally and physically vulnerable. So any antics will not only have a potentially really bad effect on you, but will also be far, far harder to forgive. Plus, it's a magical time. Don't let anyone spoil it. If someone is shaping up to elbow their way in and spoil it, nip that in the bud right now.

Your sibling sounds pretty horrible. It's awful for them that they are desperate for a baby and can't right now have one, but that 'rip in half' comment is unforgivable. Really toxic. For that alone, I'd be saying - make sure you keep them WAY at arms' length around your birth and the weeks after.

But if it looks as if their focus has changed from hating to trying to muscle in and take over - ooooh no. Much worse. Yes, you need to nip it.

Where are the rest of your family in this? Supportive of you? Or just wanting 'you two to get on' for a quiet life, or scared of the nasty sibling? If they are at all supportive, have a chat with your closest relatives first. Be blunt. She has been bloody horrible, you are telling them right now that you plan to keep her at arms' length for a while around the birth because the alternative is likely to be an epic fallout. You'd like their support in helping managing her.

If not, don't bother. Family dynamics are difficult to shift.

But either way, I think you need to tackle her directly. And like I said, you actively NEED to be blunt to show her right now that you won't be pushed around. Especially as it seems that so far, to keep the peace, you kind of have - that comment would have meant an instant FUCK RIGHT OFF from me.

'It's not 'our' baby, especially not from the person who even a couple of weeks ago was saying they'd like me to suffer birth injuries. Can you stop saying that please? I know you've got mixed feelings about this pregnancy and I have tried to be understanding but I think I'd prefer the hostility to the takeover bid. It's my baby, and after the way you've treated me so far it's very much going to stay that way.'

And let her explode.

Then draw a line under it.

She will mind her mouth a lot more, and when she doesn't, you tell her to back off.

Then make damn sure with parents, whoever - that there will be NO unannounced visiting with her in tow unless it's cleared with you.

mamasiz · 27/06/2020 15:51

Infertility is difficult but that doesn’t give someone carte blanche to say or do horrible things. I understand that emotions will be running high but to make a nasty comment like that to the OP at her baby shower is totally undignified at best and disturbing at worst. OP - personally I would tell your sibling that they need to stop calling YOUR baby ‘our’ baby. Once your baby has arrived you might find this easier to do - I found my real mama bear nature came to the fore once my DS arrived.

SavoyCabbage · 27/06/2020 15:52

I could do without that in my life. There are plenty of people who have problems to deal with but this is neither normal or acceptable and you don’t have to put up with it just because you don’t want to cause an upset.

If my sibling said anything like that to me my parents would intervene on my side, not be on the side of my sister if I was upset about it.

OlivejuiceU2 · 27/06/2020 15:54

The birth comment was supposedly a joke but obviously I didn’t find it funny.

Yes it is my sister but was trying not disclose too many details.

They do suffer with MH issues I believe but not diagnosed.

I have limited contact and I like I said before she will not left alone with baby, partner and I are discussing whether we want her to hold her.

We do not refer to anyone in our family as ‘our so and so’ so it is strange language to use.

OP posts:
MamaDane · 27/06/2020 15:54

@NoMoreReluctantCustodians Oh I misread that bit. That's very unfortunate and cruel.

Sorry OP, it's definitely not your hormones.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2020 15:54

It could be sister or brother, more likely to be sister, but plently of people use 'they' in the singular - it's a regional thing, for one. Or OP could be worrying about outing.

user4676 · 27/06/2020 15:55

@EarWeGo I'm in NW too and remember at school girls calling their youngest siblings 'our baby' even when they were in secondary school 😀

Gogogadgetarms · 27/06/2020 15:56

I’d ignore the ‘our baby’ references. They are probably doing it to get a rise from you.
Just go very low contact with them. Why surround yourself with the negativity? Lockdown is the perfect excuse.

JustC · 27/06/2020 15:57

YANBU, you deff should say smth about the 'our baby'. And that ripping in half thing is just wow. What the actual heck?! Not acceptable even as a joke to a pregnant woman. I realise it must be hard for her, but she seems a bit unwell.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2020 15:58

OP, she's not worried about saying the absolute nastiest shit to you, so please take off the gloves and tell her to get to fuck, in a way which suits you best. If your partner is on side, fantastic.

Bear in mind you might have to limit information with certain other family members in order to keep her at bay. If you think your parents will feel caught in the middle, don't tell them baby is born until you can control visitors, for example. Be very clear that if they can't respect your choices, they'll miss out on seeing the baby too.

But yes, wait until she says it again and tell her to stop, back off, and that you are going to limit contact further thanks to her horrible behaviour.

ZzzMarchhare · 27/06/2020 16:01

I have experienced something very similar- luckily we didn’t live close. Meeting up was so stressful- constantly ignoring simple instructions. Little things like my baby hated being fed by a spoon, I told them this, I was totally ignored and a meal time was ruined by them constantly trying to feed them. I found it really hard to deal with, the only way I have found is assertively sticking to ever thing I say and never giving in. Sometimes I look petty, our relationship is not great, they can’t understand why I have an issue. I have decided that there is no choice, me being reasonable, trying not to sweat the small stuff was resulting in my children not being harmed as such but not having their needs met.
Family need to respect from the word go that you are the parent and know your child best.