‘Our baby’

[OlivejuiceU2]

Could really do with some perspective on something that is bothering me. I’m 37 weeks pregnant with first baby so not sure if it’s my hormones?

Baby will be the first on my side of the family and it’s fair to say everyone is very excited. It has been difficult as older sibling desperately wants their own but has a number of issues that would prevent that from happening at the moment.

Since announcing that I’m pregnant I’ve had to deal with all kinds of comments and behaviour from them which up until now I have not said anything about as I understand they are struggling seeing their sibling have something they so desperately want. Examples include being rude to my friends on zoom baby shower, saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth).

Things have been slightly better more recently but now they are referring to the baby as ‘our baby’. For some reason I find this really odd and not sure how to feel about it. Because of their issues I will not be allowing them to have sole care of my baby at any point but I’m starting to think they think they will be.

Should I say anything or correct them when they saying this? Or stop overthinking it.

AlessandroVasectomi

Just be mindful that even though you firmly believe it takes a village, it may not be the case that both parents of your new grandchild feel the same.

As a new mum I’ve had some low key tension over similar differences of opinion, in laws believing it takes a village, me finding they overbearing and too intense and feeling threatened and not actually wanting to hand my baby over to be cared for by anybody else yet. The pressure has resulted in me feeling quite intensely angry at the thought of them every babysitting or taking on a caring role, almost like a primitive ‘they’re MY baby, back off!’ thing, whether that’s reasonable or not!

Your excitement shines through and that’s lovely but just a perspective I wanted to share. I find the less intense someone is about my baby, the less they push to hold him or ask to babysit or send constant messages asking after him, the more enthusiastically I hand him over when they see him and the more comfortable I feel with him being babysat.

And the in laws have absolutely no idea their behaviour, which is well meaning and kindly intended, borne of a desire to give me a break and bond with my baby, has really damaged my feelings towards them. It’s just too much. I hate it.

@MsSquiz

Please stop tagging me. I took issue with your post, I explained why, there was nothing passive aggressive, and I think the thread is meant to be about OP, which is why I keep saying 'But, anyway', as in, 'back to OP.'

@OlivejuiceU2 just so you know where I’m coming from:

• it’s impossible for my husband and me to conceive naturally. We were lucky with baby no. 1 but have been trying for no. 2 for over a year (few failed embryo transfers, one round of IVF so far). So I know what infertility feels like when people close to you are having babies.
• my sister has severe mental health problems. Her suffering is unquestionably intense and she has the capacity to be a wonderful person, but she can be a right bitch when she wants to be and recently I’ve had to say my son can’t be in the same house as her as I can’t be sure he won’t witness her being abusive towards my parents.

I was ripped from fanny to arse when my son was born and I’d have some pretty choice words to say to anybody who thought that was something to joke about

Don’t see her in the first week after the birth. You will be off your face on birth hormones and adrenaline and she is clearly someone for whom you need to have your wits about you. If there are any kind of postnatal complications for you or the baby, wait until you’re both fully recovered AND you’ve had a chance to process it a bit.

I’m sorry. Having a loved one with mental health problems is truly shit

I would probably be tempted to reply to the ‘our baby’ comments with ‘not until it’s ripped YOU open too, it isn’t’

@Eckhart you can’t tag @MsSquiz and then get annoyed when tags you back...

But anyway, back to the thread.

@Gulabjamoon

It would be good if we could all stop tagging each other about things not related to OP's situation.

Ok @Eckhart

@Gulabjamoon she doesn't seem to understand that she tagged my post and took issue with it in the first place...

I don’t think there was anything wrong with your post @MsSquiz!

Didn't mean to derail your thread, OP, sorry. Bowing out now.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be having her anywhere near my baby if I was you.

It might take a village to raise a child, but that doesn't apply to small babies IMO. I mean there's no problem with grandma lending a hand or visiting but the baby only needs its mother and father up to 6 months. There's plenty of time later on for grandparents to get involved. You don't need to let anyone have sole charge of a baby under one unless it suits you. In practice it's unlikely to arise unless you live very close - if sister visits just spend time all together until you are happy to leave your baby.
Agree with pp urging caution to new grandparents. Intrusive behaviour when a daughter in law has just given birth is probably going to be unforgivable so just be careful.

I think (without tagging anyone!!) that you need to take the bull by the horns now, before you have to adjust to a new life with a baby. Because I'd bet my last pot of moisturiser that she will get worse when the baby's here. She will demand 'alone time', she will want to play mummies which could involve anything (there are enough stories on MN about DMs and MILs demanding to take baby for a 'quick walk' then turning their phone off and not appearing for five hours.) She'll be plastering baby's pictures all over SM - you get the idea. And she'll ramp up the abuse and insults towards you.

Being unable to have children when it's the thing you most want in the whole world must be soul destroying. But that doesn't mean that you have to not have them to spare her feelings, nor that you have to put up with her crap because you're trying to be nice to her. It won't change her behaviour so you need to spell things out to her now.

That comment about ripping during birth is really sinister. I'd not be looking at the person in the same light anymore and I'd be keeping my distance for sure.

OP with the greatest respect I do think she may be a danger to your baby. Don't ever leave the baby alone with her.

@Euclid - aren’t you even a little bit ashamed of your ridiculous he/she/they post? You can’t possibly think it mattered.

@Eckhart - You’re even more ridiculous. Your posts are nonsensical - but it was when you tagged someone complaining about them tagging you that we really descended into parody.

SnackSizeRaisin

You don't need to let anyone have sole charge of a baby under one unless it suits you.

Or over one :) parents get to decide what they’re comfortable with when it comes to their children imo ❤️

So glad you see where I’m coming from even though it’s pretty tangential to the OP.

I am always shocked on MN by the number of new mums who somehow end up in a position where they’ve felt socially coerced into just sitting there tensely while a host of other people pass their new baby around like a parcel. It’s not in baby’s interests either.

I’m not personally much a fan of the ‘takes a village’ thing in the end. I love that so many people love my son and am so thankful he’ll have those bonds with other people, will always facilitate that etc., but it doesn’t take a village to raise him, DH and I are quite capable of doing that ourselves seeing as we chose and planned for it very carefully, the role of others in his life is important but it’s not raising.

@Sharkerr
I agree.

It may be controversial to some, but well over 20 years ago when I had my first child, one of the wonderful older midwives mentioned how she thought it was not good for new babies to be past about like pass the parcel.

She felt that their bones were very soft and bruised very easily and even if people meant well, it just wasn't in the baby's best interest and often resulted in babies being unsettled.

I have no idea if this is true, but because she seemed like such a lovely woman, and was so kind to me during my hospital stay, I followed her advice.

It may be completely coincidental, but I had very calm easy babies which made life easier at such a busy time.

Its not your hormones.

Your sisters comment was disgusting.

She would have used up all my good will and tolerance. I wouldn't let another questionable comment pass. Including 'our baby'. Tell her to stop doing it or dont come round.

Being sensitive has to run in both directions.

I completely agree with this.

I was really possessive over mine - well not really, it was partly circumstance as we lived in a fairly out of the way place when I had all of them, no family near (and not close anyway) loads of friends but none really with babies. We were very much left to it, and I spent months basically plonked on the sofa feeding and reading. It was fab. They barely moved off me or DH. We barely left the house for the first couple of months each time - seriously. They were calm, happy, fed well. Contrast that with a poor friend of mine who got pregnant with her first between my first two. OMG. Her mother and MIL were both local. Family right in her face all the time. Constantly having to take baby to barbecues and to Nana's - I honestly don't think they ever had a weekend at home alone and she certainly never had more than a day at a time alone, with her baby, just being peaceful. The baby was passed around like a parcel (tug-of-war when the two grannies were there). Not surprisingly, breastfeeding failed, she really blamed her mum especially for that and she was damn right! Her second baby - she was a total dragon, bit all their heads off on a regular basis and put her foot down, leave us alone - guess what, baby fed like a dream and is STILL a better sleeper than number one.

Take heed, OP

I mean it's conjecture but honestly - I remember saying to my friend, your poor baby doesn't know what face she's going to have staring down at her from one moment to the next, every single day, and she's not a month old yet. And when I really thought about that it really hit me. We talk about the fourth trimester, them getting accustomed to the world - they should be 95% with YOU, on you, feeding, having fairly low levels of being required to think 'Hang on, what's happening NOW?!' The cortisol thing is also really interesting - stress, being on high alert releasing cortisol and this disrupting bonding.

billy1966 I agree entirely.

I absolutely hated most people holding my newborn, call it hormones but I was so on edge feeling like they didn’t know how to hold him properly and worried about them not supporting his head (one in law actually bloody didn’t and then got defensive when I told her how to hold him and wouldn’t change position! Which has meant they will never, ever be babysitting my child, I don’t trust them).

I feel so sorry for the people posting on here asking for advice on how to keep hold of their baby at a social event, wearing the baby so people can’t snatch them up, etc. I just went with a firm ‘ah he’s just settled’ after that initial experience of others holding him really bothering me.

It did teach me never to ask someone if you can hold their baby, something I didn’t realise could be upsetting before having my own. It’s a very personal thing, and if somebody wants you to hold their baby they will ask.

He’s only seven months now so it wasn’t that long ago but I’ll happily chuck him at anyone now, he’s so sturdy! But a newborn? Honestly I find it so selfish when people clamour to ‘have a hold’ like they’re a toy, it’s not in the baby’s best interests imo.

FizzyGreenWater

Agree 100%. It deserves its own thread really. I know many on MN disagree and call it PFB Syndrome (which I find quite rude and dismissive, why shouldn’t a brand new parent be a little over cautious while they’re adjusting?).

I found people told me while pregnant ‘accept every offer of help you get’ which turned out to be nonsense for me as I didn’t want people in my home ‘helping’, just short casual visits as visitors, not people getting involved caring for the baby (no chance) and not buzzing around trying to do housework either (I’d have felt on edge, I really did just want peace).

I know some wish they had family close by to help but it’s always sounded like my worst nightmare that, I’m glad both of ours are an hour away, close enough to easily see them but not close enough to pop by regularly or unannounced. I may sound cold but I’m not, people who are respectful of my feelings around my child I make a huge effort to facilitate bonding and I’m a big believer in the whole ‘your parents friends are your aunties and uncles’ thing :) but it’s only having become a mother myself that has made me realise how unhelpful it is when people do certain behaviours.

Not to mention people thinking it’s helpful to come over and hold the baby to give you a break. Nah, I want to hold my own baby thanks, if you’re here then by all means clean the kitchen if you’re desperate to be useful but funny how some people want to get their hands on the baby no matter what while a new mum or dad are off making tea!

When my DD had her 1st baby, I remembered tearfully trying to cope with visitors and having to ask to get my baby back. So I was like a rottweiler on guard at her door from 10am to 4pm for 2 weeks . I made tea/coffee for everyone, stayed out of the way while they chatted doing jobs, and set a 45 minute timer on my phone. When it went off, I went in and told DD it was now time for her to go upstairs and rest, that the Midwife had insisted due to her blood pressure and shooed the visitors out of the door.

The only place a new born baby should be is in their parents arms for the first couple of weeks. DD found a sling really helped too - you can feed in them and baby is firmly bound to your chest!

It did teach me never to ask someone if you can hold their baby, something I didn’t realise could be upsetting before having my own. It’s a very personal thing, and if somebody wants you to hold their baby they will ask.

I never did ask when I was struggling to conceive (never did), but still often got them pushed at me, for some reason people thought it would help. I enjoy holding babies now though.