‘Our baby’

[OlivejuiceU2]

Could really do with some perspective on something that is bothering me. I’m 37 weeks pregnant with first baby so not sure if it’s my hormones?

Baby will be the first on my side of the family and it’s fair to say everyone is very excited. It has been difficult as older sibling desperately wants their own but has a number of issues that would prevent that from happening at the moment.

Since announcing that I’m pregnant I’ve had to deal with all kinds of comments and behaviour from them which up until now I have not said anything about as I understand they are struggling seeing their sibling have something they so desperately want. Examples include being rude to my friends on zoom baby shower, saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth).

Things have been slightly better more recently but now they are referring to the baby as ‘our baby’. For some reason I find this really odd and not sure how to feel about it. Because of their issues I will not be allowing them to have sole care of my baby at any point but I’m starting to think they think they will be.

Should I say anything or correct them when they saying this? Or stop overthinking it.

I mean, as she's clearly goading, you can light the touchpaper simply by responding - she will jump on you and seal her fate without you having to do much at all.

'Blah blah our baby'

'My baby, thanks (passive aggressive smiley)

'EXPLOSION'

'Ok I have had enough. Please don't contact me for a while, I really don't need your bizarre aggression when I am near giving birth. We will be in touch when we want to, please leave me alone until then.'

Job done.

Honestly op you need to grow a fecking spine

I ditched my sister for similar
I just couldn’t live with the jealousy

I wouldn't say anything unless they bring it up. If they start to speak about the future and things they will be doing with your baby you can correct them but I wouldn't start an argument for no reason.

I'd also perhaps ask your partner to be ready to support you on this after the birth when you might be feeling more vulnerable and not up to speaking to her yourself.

Honestly, fu$% this notion of having to be kind to people just because they're infertile, I only see it on MN. Just block them out of your life as much as possible. Having fertility issues doesn't justify being a d*head.

Because of their issues I will not be allowing them to have sole care of my baby at any point but I’m starting to think they think they will be

You need to start responding to her bullshit now - otherwise you set a precedent with your silence and when you do? speak up once the baby is she will manipulate that further, and i have a feeling the rest of your family are not going to be supportive of your choices anyway so will probably all gang up on you to 'keep the peace'.

On it's own the 'our baby' stuff is fine, but the ripping you in half comment changes everything.

That's a truly cruel thing to say and sounds as if it has a feeling of very vicious jealously behind it.

I'd be keeping anyone who made a comment like that at arms length and certainly wouldn't be leaving them alone with my baby.

Partner is more than ready to step in, we have discussed this at length.

She does not live nearby and does not have the means to turn up on my doorstep thank god.

I have multiple times in the past raised stuff with her, the issue here is that with her issues she lives in her own bubble and in goes in one ear and out the other.

I raised the comments with other family members so they are aware. DM is the one that finds the whole thing the hardest as it still her daughter at the end of the day but knows her behaviour is unreasonable.

Thanks for all the comments and advice. The difficulty when you have a family member like this as it can sometimes be tricky know when thy have seriously crossed the line or we should be more supportive of her issues.

@monkeymonkey2010 family are completely supportive of my choices. There will be no hanging up.

I have no problem asserting myself, I just was unsure if I should be more sympathetic to their issues having their own family.

It's difficult to comment when the details are so vague. Does your sister have drug or alcohol issues? That would partly explain her irrational behaviour and lashing out with hurtful comments?

I don't quite see how you think letting your dsis hold the baby in your home will be dangerous?

Presumably her "undiagnosed mental issues" don't involve her harming others or being violent? How mentally unstable are we talking? Does she need intervention?

It's hard to say from the info you've given but perhaps you're over complicating this. Boundaries need to be in place eg she can visit and bond with her niece but no unsupervised baby sitting or anything.

It seems cruel to allow her to visit your new baby but she can't hold or go near them. What do you think will happen.?
I suppose you need to decide if you want a relationship with your sister and want her to have a relationship with her niece or nephew or not.

Do you have 2 siblings trying to conceive or do you mean sibling and his/her partner?
The split in half comment may have been (Her?) trying to be funny - things can sound funny in your head and then when written down it just isn't funny at all.
Just try to keep the peace for now and if they want to take baby off for a walk without you and you're not comfortable then just say so. Do you think sibling would hurt your baby?

OP, I tolerated nearly 20 years of my sister criticising my parenting from how I dressed them to how I fed them. She wasn't able to have her own children, and seemed to think her role in life was to tell me what I was doing wrong. In hindsight, I never saw how much it dragged me down and made me question my ability as a mother.

I also accept that I enabled her to behave like it, by never saying anything to her. And it's my biggest regret. We're now NC because she went too far in the end.

This is your body, your pregnancy and your baby. Start the way you mean to go on - if she upsets you, tell her. If she oversteps the line, tell her. Her issues are not your issues or responsibility - so you deflect them right back to her.

Good luck with your baby.

In some parts of the country it's standard to refer to family members as 'Our Janice', 'Our Bobby', etc, so it's hard to tell whether this is particularly strange or not. They've not just moved to Liverpool or something, have they?

However, there's considerably more to be concerned with than that. Nobody who supported you would have made that 'joke'. Nobody who loves you would find that 'joke' anything but wicked.

People who can't have children manage to be happy for their siblings when they have children all the time. Jealousy is not an excuse.

Little things like my baby hated being fed by a spoon, I told them this, I was totally ignored and a meal time was ruined by them constantly trying to feed them

Why is op saying 'them' for 1 person and then this poster calls her baby 'them' - one baby? I don't get it?

Wait your sister said to people she hopes the baby rips you in half during the birth?!
For that comment alone I’d have to cut contact right back, that is a horrendous thing to say to or about a pregnant woman. She’s toxic OP.

Sorry should have been clear not holding baby due to COVID. We don’t trust that she will not hold her if she has symptoms, her judgment on these things are off.

Just one sister with issues.

She has a number of issues the the family assume are routed in mental health problems. I rather not disclose further. She is not a danger to herself or others. If she was wed obviously be seeking medical intervention.

My Mum calls my DC and my sisters DC, “my babies” drives us both mad so I get it from that perspective but we figure, our children know who their parents are so I try to rise above it. The ripping comment?!. Unacceptable, totally vile thing to say.

Thanks for explaining about the use of they.

I would be worried too OP.

Infertility is not an excuse to behave like an absolute cunt. You are not obliged to have a relationship with someone just because they are related to you.
The comment about your birth is good enough reason for you to cut contact with her. This is nothing to do with your hormones.

OP,
@FizzyGreenWater
has given super advice.

The last thing any woman with a new baby wants is external stress.
We have just done an amazing thing birthing a human being.
We need kindness and support as we get to know our new baby's.

Sort her out now. Brutally if necessary.

If you don't and she messes up this precious time, you will never forgive her and you will be finished with her either way.

By sorting it out before the baby arrives you are blocking her chance to do that.

Family are nice to have around when a baby arrives but parents being allowed to bond in peace is critical at this time IMO.

Our first grandchild is due to arrive at the end of July. We have 4 children aged from 32 to 40 and we’ve had to wait until now to become GPs so, perhaps understandably, we are SO excited. We have to remind ourselves every so often that we are part of a wide circle of friends and family, all of whom are invested in the coming baby, so as much as we want to think of her as ‘our baby’, we shall have to step back and share her with everybody else. It’s very hard and she isn’t even here yet! I console myself with the thought that she is going to be very loved and I am a firm believer that it takes a village to raise a child. Having had 4 of our own, I do feel for your sister.

She's clearly troubled and there are warning signs but I personally wouldn't make any statements or decisions about contact at this stage before the baby is even here. Just be very very clear about what your boundaries will be when the baby is here.

I wonder if you're jumping the gun a bit and making assumptions about how she'll behave. From one point of view (perhaps hers), she's devastated that she can't have her own, she struggled with the fact you are getting what she wants but she's now acting the bigger person by being excited and inclusive about her new niece/ nephew. If you start telling her at this stage that she's not allowed even to meet or hold the baby it would be extremely hurtful and over-reactive.

But, trust your gut feeling. Be very clear from the first meeting where auntie status begins and ends. Holding? I'd personally feel ok with this as long as she only holds the baby when you are there and gives back as soon as you request - no going out of the room or taking baby on walks or whatever. I'd just make it clear to everyone in the family - not just your ds - that this is what you're asking of everyone. Then if she doesn't respect this you have good reason to reduce contact.

Thanks for all the different perspectives.

It hard as behind these nasty comments was once a nice caring person who is unwell. I want so desperately for her to be well and herself again. Anyone who has someone close to them with MH issues would probably understand.

The thing I was struggling with the most is being more sympathetic towards her ability to have her own baby which I see now does not excuse her behaviour.

Ah cross post about your holding worries. Ignore that bit then.

I just was unsure if I should be more sympathetic to their issues having their own family.

You can. Just not at your expense.

You could argue even that it's much better right now to completely keep your distance. To be blunt, she will probably be horrible to you if she can around the birth because of her own issues blinding her.

'Please let's leave communication there for a while. It's clearly not working out being in touch at the moment and I don't want to add to your stress or end up falling out properly.'

It's as much for her benefit as yours. Don't be in touch for a while. Be clear with your mum that although it's not ideal, the alternative is likely to be unforgivable things said and done while her first grandchild is newborn.

not holding the baby due to covid that makes sense. Sorry, I completely misinterpreted your comments and thought you were worried about her hurting the baby or something.

Agree with other posters, sort out your boundaries now and what you will be allowing in terms of visits and so on then it's all clear before baby is here. If you're planning to breastfeed then it will be impossible for your sister to have any sole care. Make that clear.

You say her behaviour has improved recently. It's possible she is getting swept up in the excitement of being an auntie with her"our baby" comments. You should tactfully tell her how hurt you've been by her comments.

If she lives a fair distance away then visits will be limited anyway.