‘Our baby’

[OlivejuiceU2]

Could really do with some perspective on something that is bothering me. I’m 37 weeks pregnant with first baby so not sure if it’s my hormones?

Baby will be the first on my side of the family and it’s fair to say everyone is very excited. It has been difficult as older sibling desperately wants their own but has a number of issues that would prevent that from happening at the moment.

Since announcing that I’m pregnant I’ve had to deal with all kinds of comments and behaviour from them which up until now I have not said anything about as I understand they are struggling seeing their sibling have something they so desperately want. Examples include being rude to my friends on zoom baby shower, saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth).

Things have been slightly better more recently but now they are referring to the baby as ‘our baby’. For some reason I find this really odd and not sure how to feel about it. Because of their issues I will not be allowing them to have sole care of my baby at any point but I’m starting to think they think they will be.

Should I say anything or correct them when they saying this? Or stop overthinking it.

FizzyGreenWater is spot on and I was going to suggest this point myself. Let your sister kick off and then you have the perfect opportunity to back away from her until you feel ready to engage with her again. If everyone else understands she can be problematic you shouldn’t have pressure to relent too soon either. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth.

saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth).

Dafuq? I'm sorry about her problems and anyone would be sympathetic to the situation but that's just evil. Is that how she'd raise a child if they had one? Tell her to fuck off and tell them why, and don't let them tell you it's just a joke or that their painful situation means they have a right to be so unbelievably disgusting. A joke is meant to be funny and if she truly didn't mean it maliciously, she'll apologise and retract it once she realises it was hurtful (which she knows already, of course).

Horrible woman. That's not a normal or understandable response to her situation, as painful as I am sure it is. I'm sure that if she told you she was struggling and needed some time away, you would be most understanding.

I’m from the NW and in particular ‘our’ wouldn’t normally raise an eyebrow. Around Manchester the youngest in the family will be called ‘our kid’ for all of their lives.
I’d take exception to ‘ripping in half’ comment it’s cruel and unnecessary.

Why do you say"they"? Your sibling is a he or a she.

Because that's really what the thread is about. rolls eyes

OP I'd be struggling to keep contact with these people at all after the 'rip in half' comment. That's horrific. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Like some others have said, the "our baby" remarks probably wouldn't bother me on their own. DH's grandparents call our DD "our baby girl" or "my girl". But the comment made at the baby shower is concerning. You're not BU to want to keep your distance, but you do need to make this clear as soon as possible. Like others have said, having fertility issues doesn't give you a pass to be a dick.

Thanks @FizzyGreenWater for your really sound advice.

If anything comes up again I will be addressing it. We will be contacting all family members soon with our plans for meeting baby so she’s not being singled out.

How many siblings do you have who are being so nasty? It sounds as though you are outnumbered. That's bullying.

Don't go on social media while you are pregnant, it just isn't worth the hassle.

saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth)

There is not an excuse in the world for that comment

So, if your sister lives alone me and has MH problems, presumably the issue is that she's not in a relationship therefore unable to have a baby rather than being infertile/having tried for years??
If so, then I would have less sympathy as presumably some of these issues are within her control (i.e. her ability to form or maintain a relationship). I don't think that is as bad as being infertile. I do, however, sorry for people who suffer from jealousy because it is one of those emotions that, for some reason, is taboo to admit to. It seems that we're allowed to feel angry, sad, depressed, anxious, but that feeling jealous comes with a huge amount of shame therefore it tends to not be admitted or treated.

Infertility is a horrible thing to go through for anybody id imagine but that doesnt give someone going through it to say nasty things especially family members

The right to be nasty that should say

Trying to minimise this situation, invalidating OP's legitimate concerns, and gaslighting her to the tune that it's her hormones that are an issue here and not her sibling's vile behaviour, is utterly despicable.

Then that same PP tells the OP to 'be kind'.

The irony is fucking palpable.

And yes, I know the pain of infertility, have walked that same road, and experienced numerous losses. Yet never has it even entered my head to make such a repulsive comment about someone else.

saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth)

There's nothing funny about a remark like that.

Keep baby far , far away from her.

Your headline question of "our baby" I think is being a little harsh - it's the first baby in your family, everyone is going to feel a little bit of ownership and I think that's ok, they are just excited.

I remember referring to my closest friends baby as "my little munchkin" when she was tiny and then worrying how my friend would react (for reference she loves the relationship I have with her DD and doesn't care about the odd comment like that).

However.... your full post is quite different and you are not unreasonable to be upset by her behaviour. Her comment about the birth was pretty unforgivable as is her behaviour towards your friends and you are definitely not unreasonable to be wary of her and her reactions.

I would just caution about not letting her clearly outrageous comments tarnish other relatives reactions whereby a bit over enthusiasm could just be considered kinda sweet and excited.

im so sorry you had to hear those comments people should never say things like that family or not... drawing on my own experience when i was pregnant with my daughter now 3, my ex sil used to make comments about taking my baby away from me when it was born and that she would be a better parent than me and my ex partner will ever be on her own (we lived with her up until i was 37 weeks), she met my daughter twice once when i came home from intensive care with her about a week after she was born was an okay setting then once out in town with mil too, she tried to walk away with my baby in her stroller and wouldnt give her back to me (no contact after that) they are dangerous people and you should tell her about the comments before baby arrives make it clear she is yours and she will only have such and such part in her life... it will make a large difference (my sil tried to put all the baby things set up in her room when i had moved out before collecting them the next day) please say something because you will become a door mat for their behaviour in a way enabling it.

We will be contacting all family members soon with our plans for meeting baby so she’s not being singled out.

Honestly OP, my advice would be - yes, single her out.

Make individual contact on your terms with the people you want around your baby.

She's been absolutely vile to you. I wouldn't want her holding my baby, or even seeing her in the first weeks. I'd find it quite unnerving. You might find this is your instinct once she's here - and you e.g. say to your mum, let X know that we're waiting a few weeks before seeing anyone else as I'm not up to it. She kicks off- you say, tough shit.

One thing that changes when you have a baby, I found, is the degree to which you'll go along with things to keep the peace. It's easy to say, oh fine, it doesn't make much difference to me - until, you feel it makes a difference to your baby, who YOU speak for and YOU are there to protect. I cut out family members after my first child's birth as I realised I simply didn't want that family dynamic and to have it affecting our new family. I am so glad I did.

I’m sorry for what you have gone through @Nurgleturtle that sounds truely awful.

She does have a partner and both very much want to have a family for many years now.

Your headline question of "our baby" I think is being a little harsh - it's the first baby in your family, everyone is going to feel a little bit of ownership and I think that's ok, they are just excited.

Yep. A new member of a family is big and exciting. Or it should be if you are part of a loving family. My grandchild is 'ours' in a wider sense that doesn't remotely detract from the fact that she's her parents' baby.

I also grew up in an area where 'our' was used for siblings, cousins etc. I think it's lovely for a child to grow up in a family where they feel they belong, and where vthat belonging is confirmed and strengthened every day in the language that their relatives use.

Even in their 60s and 70s my late husband's cousins still refer to him as "our (husband's name)"

Your sister should be required to account for herself about her saying she hoped you would be ripped apart at the birth. NO one would say that! She is totally unacceptable and dangerous. Terrible. She have could adopted children but seems very unstable and totally unsuitable. Avoid her even if you get a direct apology and more from her. Make a big fuss about it - tell everyone what she said. Make her ostracised - otherwise everyone else is bonkers too, if they just brush it under the carpet.

@OlivejuiceU2 looking back on it it sounds worse than what I thought it was I didn't say anything brushed off the sly comments as I felt sorry for her she has pcos, she can still have kids but it's harder for her I think, and I we moved in with her as we rented a place and the neighbour was a drunken sociopath threatened to kick the baby out of my stomach at 25 weeks, i couldn't live there so we lived with my sil for about 6 months, she made me feel like the our baby comments and things like that were my hormones playing up a fuss and that I should be greatful for having somewhere to live we weren't allowed out of the rental contract till new tenants were found we had only been in the house 2 weeks hsd the police out 3 times it just got worse and he waited till I was on my own walking to the bus for work to start on me, but I really wish I had said something to her earlier about her behaviour don't ever let someone say its your hormones if it doesn't feel right it's your instinct if it makes you uncomfortable you tell them cause they will walk all over you I hope you are well in yourself xD xx

Just another thought. Little off topic but it might help so here we go.

My ex had a baby with his now wife. When we were together I had a miscarriage that devasted us both. Relationship broke down but we remained friends/still hung out in the same circle.
Well when his then gf was pregnant I remember feeling very jealous and upset about it (I didn't tell anyone as, well it wasnt my place and I knew it was irrational anyway) baby was born and I put off going to visit them as I just felt too upset/jealous. Which was crazy as we'd been broken up years by this point, I had no interest in him in "that way", in fact it was me who ended the relationship in the first place.
Anyway, as I said, baby was born and I knew I'd have to make an appearance soon so this one day I made arrangements to go see them. Bought the baby some presents and went round there, all the while trying to work out how I was going to hold back tears/not ruin any thing for them.
Well as soon as that little baby was handed over to me let me tell you that all that jealousy, hurt, whatever it was just melted away into nothing. There was this beautiful innocent baby, ex and gf were so happy, everyone was! It was all in my head. There was nothing to BE upset about. It was a baby! I was happy for them and have since been a fan of squishy new babies

Point is. When the time comes all this might melt away for her too. She'll be an aunt and may make a very good one!

Coming from another perspective as that relation who at the time couldn’t have kids. I would never have made a comment like that to you, she should be pulled up for that one, yo don’t say that to anyone!
With the holding thing, if there is a family gathering and everyone is holding the baby and you can sit next to her and your DH can remove the baby if any concerns then it will be maybe easier than saying she can’t? But absolutely no if she wants to walk the baby/feed/etc. Family members that included me in their joy were actually the easiest, one who decided that as I couldn’t have kids they wouldn’t let me hold the baby was hard. At the time I was actually working with families and seeing/holding babies daily and not bothered. I wasn’t a risk like this and it was bizarre. But referring to “our baby” is bonkers.

Yes some people with infertility don’t want to see others with babies and avoid things, some people can get on with life and enjoy others happiness. Others if there’s a history like here should be watched.

@Liveandforget

I would have cut them out of my life for that baby ripping you at the birth comment. They sound dangerous.

Defo say something re the our baby comment. Don't be a doormat. Your baby's counting on your protection from this person, this is the best time to practise being an assertive mother.

Protect yourself and protect the baby. I'd phone them -sibling? and let my parents know:

The comment on zoom was disgusting. How dare you wish me or MY baby ill or a problem with their mother. This may be YOUR niece but it is MY baby -it is most def not "OUR BABY" when you speak.

If you can't control your mouth you won't see me or MY baby when it is born. You are seriously showing a side to you which is not stable.

If you don't feel up to speaking to her -email her. And keep you and your baby away.

Every PP who has said "where I'm from, we would use the term our baby and it wouldn't be a big deal..." that's great for you, but it is an issue for the OP given how her sister has behaved.

And anyone who said they hoped my baby would "rip me in half" wouldn't have a cat in hells chance of speaking to me again, let alone meeting the baby. It's not "a joke", it's an awful comment!

I really struggled with my SIL when I was pregnant (she can't have kids) she didn't speak to me throughout the pregnancy, never asked after the baby or me, never acknowledged the fact that I was pregnant, refused to come to my baby shower (saying she doesn't agree with celebrating baby before she arrives). But she could complain to her mum that she was concerned that I was going to a gig while pregnant!
Once DD arrived, she wanted to play perfect auntie - having cuddles, taking lots of selfies. Which also developed into not giving DD back when she was hungry (breastfed), not putting DD down when she was tired.
DD is now 6 months old and she hasn't been in touch once during lockdown to see how she is.