‘Our baby’

[OlivejuiceU2]

Could really do with some perspective on something that is bothering me. I’m 37 weeks pregnant with first baby so not sure if it’s my hormones?

Baby will be the first on my side of the family and it’s fair to say everyone is very excited. It has been difficult as older sibling desperately wants their own but has a number of issues that would prevent that from happening at the moment.

Since announcing that I’m pregnant I’ve had to deal with all kinds of comments and behaviour from them which up until now I have not said anything about as I understand they are struggling seeing their sibling have something they so desperately want. Examples include being rude to my friends on zoom baby shower, saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth).

Things have been slightly better more recently but now they are referring to the baby as ‘our baby’. For some reason I find this really odd and not sure how to feel about it. Because of their issues I will not be allowing them to have sole care of my baby at any point but I’m starting to think they think they will be.

Should I say anything or correct them when they saying this? Or stop overthinking it.

The constant changing faces is so true.
New babies are grappling with so much change it's a wonder they are not totally demented.
It must indeed be quite disturbing to have constantly changing faces up close.

Same lovely nurse told me babies should be put down to sleep awake so that they learn to self soothe.
This solid gold nugget was fantastic advice as the family grew.
They slept well and the bed time routine was nice and fast.
After a long day with several children, a long protracted bedtime routine would possibly have been the end of me.

We lived a very simple life when mine were small, but it was all I wanted.

Helpfully none of our families were the least bit pushed about holding them, probably because they were so over their own.

I must admit to not being particularly maternal and have zero interest in babies. Loved my own but got over the baby stage once mine were past it.

It is astonishing to read, and terribly sad, that so many women have such disregard and disrespect for the new mother.
Their need to access the "new toy" supersedes the wants and needs of the new mother.

All these woman, mostly MIL sound like absolute selfish horrors.

It's normal to call the latest baby in the family 'our baby', in large parts of the country. We also call anyone 'our (insert name)'.

But the rest is terrible.

Best to set the boundaries at the outset, as this will be difficult to deal with, among other things, once the baby has arrived. To me, everyone should know their place and if they don’t it’s best to set the ground rules sooner than later - as with many relationships in life.

I’m infertile and my sister is not. She has two beautiful kiddies. I always refer to them as our kiddie, our baby, sometimes even my baby! It doesn’t bother my sister and she wants me to be close to them knowing the struggle. Having said that it’s not crossed my mind for one second the be jealous or nasty. Sorry but no matter your sisters circumstances, That comment is voting unacceptable

Ask her what she means by 'our baby' , tell her how awful her comment was as well and do a hypnobirthing course or at least read the books as you will be in control of yourself and have the best chance of a lovely calm birth , whatever happens you will know how to control your fears etc. Stay away from all and any negativity .Good Luck.

Two things:

I think you're very lucky this is your sibling and not your partner's. Either way what she is saying and doing is vile but it gets so much more complicated when it's partner's family as often they think you're being harsh and deliberately pushing people away. I know that seems redundant but I felt a lot better reading that it was your family as you have more control over the situation. I hope you can take some comfort in that and make a decision you're comfortable with.

Also, I would probably be okay with 'our baby' if I was extremely close to my sibling, she was excited for me and supportive and I felt she would play a big role in my child's life. ANYBODY who wished harm to myself, my child or my family would be lucky if they were sent a picture of the baby once a year. If you're struggling with how to 'break it to her gently', let her know that her bitterness and resentment is not very encouraging and you'd rather not have that as an influence around your child. People always say children are very intuitive and they're right. Your child would pick up on negativity towards you, and that negativity will increase as the child gets older, starts developing and people are cooing and aah-ing you and baby constantly. God forbid anybody should tell you 'you're a good mum' in front of her. I'd be anxious just thinking about what she'd do in that situation.

I would hold off on pronouncements until after the baby comes. It will be months before there is any scenario where you would leave the baby alone with them, and their feelings may stabilise before then. If they are trans and they feel like expressing their gender has cost them their dream of parenthood, their feelings will be all over the place during your pregnancy. Hopefully seeing you with the baby will help them clarify and deal with their feelings in a more positive way.

Our baby isn't too unusual...the other comments are though! My mum used to call my firstborn "my baby" and it used to drive me mad...

Totally agree with FizzyGreenWater.
Your new family are your priority and not her. Sorry, but you are being far too nice. Everyone needs to stop tip-toeing round her and you need to be blunt. Otherwise things will only get worse when your baby arrives.
Stop worrying about her feelings as she is not worrying about yours.
I have got a sister in law like this. She started trying to throw her weigh around with me as all my husband’s family used to run around after her. I wasn’t having any of it. She doesn’t like me as she can’t wrap me round her little finger like she can with everyone else. Tough sh*t I’m afraid.
This time should be a lovely time and you don’t want some miserable bitchy family member ruining it. Good luck for you and your new baby ❤️

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with the birth. Sorry to hear that they have been so negative. I understand that infertility must be very difficult but those comments are mean.

Not leaving them in charge of your baby sounds like a sensible option. If their behaviour doesn't improve it might be better for you not to see them for a while because you don't need the negativity or spiteful remarks.

It sounds like you have some nice friends so hopefully they will be happy for you and supportive of you.

I wish you luck. xxx

I would not let them anywhere near my baby, and I would curtail ALL contact tbh.That is a very deranged and horrible thing to say.

@OlivejuiceU2 Try to ignore the "our baby" nonsense until after baby arrives. Ask sibling to change "our baby's" first nappy. Sibling will stop it then I can assure you 😜

when something is said again be understanding to why they might have have said it ... but talk to them .. and explain to them your feelings .. if all fails tell them you need space

I wouldn’t mind the our baby. It’s harmless. And it expresses love. So let it go. But the rip in half comment I hope someone spoke to her about at the time. She might not remember or it might make her spiral in guilt and self loathing to be reminded. I think you should tell her you were very hurt by that joke. But pick a good moment when she feels supported.

My DS hates me. Despises me. Resents me. Always has. But I don’t think she’d ever wish me to be ripped apart during childbirth.
That’s off the charts crazy.

I’m happy you and DH are on the same page and that your family sees the same MH issues you do.

Congratulations @OlivejuiceU2 and best wishes for your continued good health and for that of your baby.

I would try to ignore the ‘our baby’ comments.
The ripping in half ‘joke’ is a red flag though, and I would explain to other family members just how uncomfortable this makes you feel.
Please don’t let your sibling change your baby’s nappy or leave her in charge of baby.

Our baby is something my mum used to say and it annoyed me but I left it go.

But wishing you to be ripped in half? No.

I wouldn't want her anywhere near my baby

Oh god, it probably was a joke! I didn't have children till 3 years ago and referred to my brothers kids as my babies. Took them away on holiday and absolutely adored them. Wouldn't dream of harming them. Unless you have reason to think that she could potentially harm the baby please don't assume

Keep your baby well away from someone who could wish that on you, it's as simple as that in my eyes

@Issygray I'm a bit confused, in the OP she mentioned the 'our baby' part after she described the family member being rude to friends and wishing harm on the OP. The our baby thing might be fairly innocuous in itself but I would definitely not be able to trust that somebody with those opinions and that level of resentment wouldn't harm my baby, even if not physically then psychologically.

@JuanNil not sure what you are confused about? Just because she can't have children or doesn't have children doesn't mean she can't joke about something like the baby ripping her in half... when I had my first he tore me badly! All I am saying is that she could have been joking 🙃

okay... as a person who had a lot of anxiety as an expecting FTM I can't say I would find a joke about that funny, and I feel grateful that I didn't have anybody in my life suggesting that they hoped I would be permanently damaged by bringing my children into the world. Even those who do suffer long term damage I'm sure would feel a lot worse if somebody had wished it upon them beforehand. I can't see the point in doing something so vindictive and masking it as a joke 🤷‍♀️. I mean people also get cancer, is it acceptable to joke about that?

Oh dear! Did you just compare cancer to something as minor as a tear during childbirth? Delusional much...

Did you just compare cancer to something as minor as a tear during childbirth?
I’ve had cancer and birth injuries. Birth injuries were worse. OP your sister is a jealous angry person who wishes harm upon you, I wouldn’t trust her not to hurt the baby out of spite. Reduce contact and never trust her alone with the baby.

I have fertility problems and had forceps / episiotomy and still tore when I pushed. The small tears don’t get fixed and are left to heal naturally so you can often spend months in pain. Tearing is a fact of life and you should be trying to prepare yourself for it as much as possible (keep paracetamol / ibuprofen / a water bottle for washing poos etc), not bury your head in the sand.

From my perspective of your posts it seems it’s less about her comments or infertlity and more about you and your DP not wanting your sister around because of her MH issues. Be careful when you push family out because of their disabilities - tends to backfire. One of my cousins pushed my aunt out for her MH and now 10 years her dd is being investigated for the same condition (it runs in the family from our shared grandparents). She keeps calling my aunt to leach off her support networks now but she isn’t interested.