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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Our baby’

169 replies

OlivejuiceU2 · 27/06/2020 15:27

Could really do with some perspective on something that is bothering me. I’m 37 weeks pregnant with first baby so not sure if it’s my hormones?

Baby will be the first on my side of the family and it’s fair to say everyone is very excited. It has been difficult as older sibling desperately wants their own but has a number of issues that would prevent that from happening at the moment.

Since announcing that I’m pregnant I’ve had to deal with all kinds of comments and behaviour from them which up until now I have not said anything about as I understand they are struggling seeing their sibling have something they so desperately want. Examples include being rude to my friends on zoom baby shower, saying they want the baby to rip my in half (during the birth).

Things have been slightly better more recently but now they are referring to the baby as ‘our baby’. For some reason I find this really odd and not sure how to feel about it. Because of their issues I will not be allowing them to have sole care of my baby at any point but I’m starting to think they think they will be.

Should I say anything or correct them when they saying this? Or stop overthinking it.

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 27/06/2020 18:45

What a disgusting comment to make she hopes the baby will rip you in half. (charmingNOT ) I wouldn’t consider that a joke, sounds like she meant it, obviously it’s hard for her if she can’t conceive but that’s way out of line, she doesn’t sound well to me, I’d give her a wide birth

Eckhart · 27/06/2020 18:46

Every PP who has said "where I'm from, we would use the term our baby and it wouldn't be a big deal..." that's great for you, but it is an issue for the OP given how her sister has behaved

So glad you're here to correct us all, @MsSquiz. How would we cope without you?

MsSquiz · 27/06/2020 18:49

@Eckhart I'm not entirely sure why you think I was correcting anyone. Just stating a point.

Lots of people might use "our" before a baby in their family, but I would imagine the OP's family doesn't, hence why she thinks it's odd

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 27/06/2020 18:52

Wow - you seem incredibly tolerant!
I understand not wanting to be to OTT about the baby if she can't have one - but she kind of has a responsibility to keep her distance if she finds your pregnancy/impending motherhood difficult to handle.

At least it sounds as if you have a good relationship with your mother, and can confide your concerns to her.
Hope that all goes well, and she doesn't turn out to be psycho aunt from hell!

Eckhart · 27/06/2020 19:01

@MsSquiz

I think it was the

Every PP who has said "where I'm from, we would use the term our baby and it wouldn't be a big deal..." that's great for you, but bit.

Because you know better than all those PPs, obviously. You were stating a point, yes: the point that other people were getting it wrong.

But anyway.

MeridianB · 27/06/2020 19:03

Setting aside the ‘our baby’ comment, her public statement about the birth is evidence of her appalling judgement, whatever the reason.

Please protect yourself (emotionally, mentally and physically) and your baby (in every way) from her.

MsSquiz · 27/06/2020 19:07

@Eckhart I think you're taking my comment more personally than necessary. I wasn't saying anyone was wrong, at all.

I stated that people who do use "our" when talking about family members, etc would find it odd if their sister referred to their unborn nephew or niece as "our baby".
People who don't use "our" in that way, and have issues in their relationship with their sister who used that term, would think it odd and out of the ordinary.

There was definitely zero implication in my post that anyone was wrong for being in either of those categories. But if that's what you want to focus on, go right ahead...

Eckhart · 27/06/2020 19:14

@MsSquiz

I haven't taken anything personally. Clearly you know best, though.

But anyway...

rc22 · 27/06/2020 19:19

If my sibling had a happy and positive attitude to my pregnancy from the starting, I wouldn't object to them referring to the baby as our baby although this does seem a bit strange. I wonder though if somebody else in the family, unbeknownst to you, has had a stern word with them and this is part of them now making an effort.

Gulabjamoon · 27/06/2020 19:22

Eckhart chill out!

CharityDingle · 27/06/2020 19:24

I'm really surprised that such a comment (on the zoom call) was allowed to pass. Very strange.

MsSquiz · 27/06/2020 19:25

@Eckhart what is your problem? It seems you have an issue with me or my post.

I have never claimed anyone is wrong or right
I have never claimed you were taking my post personally (I said "I think" you are...)
I have never claimed to know better than anyone else on this thread (I think lots of PP's have offered the OP great advice)

You like to a passive aggressive "but anyway" on the end of each of your posts which are directed at me.

GinDrinker00 · 27/06/2020 19:27

I’d stop contact with them other the baby zoom comment.
I had a family member like that - believe me you’re cutting a whole lot of needless drama out of your life if you nip it in the bud now.

Original poster
OlivejuiceU2 · 27/06/2020 19:29

The comment wasn’t made on a zoom call but a separate phone call, two separate incidents.

I didn’t say anything at the time because I was so shocked.

OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 27/06/2020 19:31

Either way they still said it? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Do you really feel comfortable having your baby in their presence when they’ve been nothing but rude and jealous?

CharityDingle · 27/06/2020 19:32

@OlivejuiceU2

The comment wasn’t made on a zoom call but a separate phone call, two separate incidents.

I didn’t say anything at the time because I was so shocked.

I'm not surprised you were shocked. I couldn't see myself having anything further to do with a person who would say such a thing.
FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2020 19:38

Oh I thoguht the comment was on the zoom.

OP why not have a good think about how to word it, but then call it out?

Not easy I know.

Maybe as I said, wait for the next 'our baby' comment. You say you've limited contact - where is she saying this 'our baby' shit? On SM? On calls? If so, why are you speaking on the phone so much with someone you've got limited contact with?

Shut her down next time she uses 'our baby', reference what she said, say you've had enough of keeping the peace over this, she;s been absolutely vicious to you in private over this pregnancy and now she's calling your baby 'ours' - it stops now, you don't want to be in contact for a while and you want her to GO AWAY.

EarWeGo · 27/06/2020 19:38

Every PP who has said "where I'm from, we would use the term our baby and it wouldn't be a big deal..." that's great for you, but it is an issue for the OP given how her sister has behaved

I said it because it's a regional thing. If OP is from a place where it's common, like Manchester, but doesn't like it, then that's one thing.

If it's not common as a colloquialism/term of endearment where she's from then it's more of an ownership thing, and coming from a jealous and unkind sister then it goes more towards the cut her off narrative.

mbosnz · 27/06/2020 19:39

We've got friends that call our daughters 'our girls'. It drives me batshit crazy. Twasn't them that had the 'joy' of bringing them into the world, all the nappies, the D&V, the lot!

Sceptre86 · 27/06/2020 19:44

My mum frequently says, 'how are my babies?' when asking about my kids. I frequently tell her that her baby is fine (me) and that mine are ok too. It is just a term of endearment from my mum, she is not likely to try to make off with my kids (she couldn't handle the sleep deprivation). She understands that they are my kids and doesn't undermine me in any way, just genuinely loves her grandchildren. Is your sister honestly likely to do that? I think your pregnancy hormones are making you unreasonable and I would give your head a wobble as I don't think referring to your baby as 'ours' is sinister.

I would however be pissed at the comments with regards to splitting you in half that is in no way funny and I would have called her out for being a bitch at the time.

To be honest if she brings nothing but negativity in your life reduce contact and live your life your way. Be prepared that their might be some fall out with your parents or other siblings though. I can't imagine not letting either of my sisters hold my baby, only you know if you think she is not fit to be around your child.

Sceptre86 · 27/06/2020 19:46

I agree with a previous poster I am from Manchester which is probably why I don't see it as such an issue using the word 'our' to describe a member of your family. It is common in the North west.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2020 19:52

OP clarified much earlier in the thread that it wasn't normal in her family to use the 'Our X' term of endearment and that it wasn't an everyday thing for the sister to say:

We do not refer to anyone in our family as ‘our so and so’ so it is strange language to use

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2020 19:54

It's absolutely a normal and regional thing to use that term, but context is everything - it's blindingly obvious that even if the sister IS deciding she's now going to use that as an endearment, it's bloody not ok and normal off the back of her vicious comments to OP, she's clearly not being loving and inclusive and even if she is, she can fuck off with it after what she said. At best it's now tone deaf, at worst it's a way to now try and push herself in with the baby now OP is near givign birth, after being nasty to her for the whole pregnancy.

Eckhart · 27/06/2020 20:01

@MsSquiz

Eckhart what is your problem? It seems you have an issue with me or my post

Yes, I had a problem with your post, which I clearly defined. But anyway, back to OP.

MsSquiz · 27/06/2020 20:20

@Eckhart your problem with my post was that I was correcting other posters, even though I wasn't...

The OP even stated early on that it is not a term used in their family!

So there was really no need to jump on my post that didn't say anything remotely negative to any poster!