Mr and Mrs his initial surname 🤬

[ottermadness]

I just hate it, I’m not a Mrs and I have a name.

It’s nice that people remember to send anniversary cards though so I’m not going to be impolite.

AIBU that this gives me rage!?

So if John Jones marries Mark Smith, you would not start addressing Mark as Mr John Jones, right? But you do that when John Jones marries Karen Smith, she is suddenly Mrs John Smith, and we should find some bigger problems to worry about..

Sorry Mrs John Jones it should state.

If you’re married to one one, you are a mrs surly

No. Mrs as a title is entirely optional and has no legal or formal status.

Just curious to all of you who kept your maidens names. What surname do your children have

I am sure you have noticed many kids at school with hyphenated / double barrelled names? Or some choose to use either the mother or father’s name. Mine are hyphenated. Please please do not go on to ask what they will do when they marry.... (clue: whatever they like. They probably will not follow the well known custom of combining hyphenated names until a child has 320 surnames )

As for the his initial, is that not technically correct for letter writing

There is no such thing as ‘technically correct’ just custom and practice, sometimes elevated to ‘etiquette’. Those of you taught to do this in the 80s it was already becoming rejected. My mother, hardly a leading light if the feminist movement and currently 89, NEVER used my fathers initial and always told people she had her own name, thanks very much. Just a little bit of engaged thinking about what you get taught goes a long way.

Just curious to all of you who kept your maidens names. What surname do your children have

Both. They only use mine though as it's prettier.

It may have been "correct" 50 or more years ago, but it is antiquated bullshit that had no place today.

I did take DH's surname when we got married 27 years ago, but I didn't become him and have refused to be known by his first name.

If I were getting married today I wouldn't change my name at all. Learned my lesson there.

HAS no place today.

But I do mind being introduced as "DH wife"

But sometimes that's the relevant information. For example if I met a bunch of my husband's colleagues for the first time wouldn't it be normal for someone to say "this is xx's wife, Meredith". Equally if my husband met a bunch of people who only knew me, he'd be introduced as my husband. It just explains the connection you have to the group/why you're there. The same would apply if I was with anyone and was being introduced to someone they know, I'd be introduced as "so and so's friend/daughter/mother/sister/colleague" etc etc.

I cannot understand why women give up their own birth given surnames when they get married. It's part of one's identity

And I cannot understand why some people can't understand people having a different opinion. Fair enough if it's not something you want to do, I can totally get that, but not everyone feels like it's a big part of their identity. I certainly didn't. My husband feels like his name is part of his identity, I personally couldn't give two hoots. He never asked or expected me to change my name, I wanted to and I didn't lose any of my identity doing it.

To me, this is very antiquated. It also appears to be a common way to allow 'traditional' people to bully other people who really don't like it.

Surely, it is courteous to address people in the way they prefer.

Even 'official' letters are no longer written this way, so maybe it is time to update your offensive 'correct' behaviour.

I like it! Being called Miss annoys me, being called Ms angers me.

If I know how someone prefers to be addressed then that’s what I go with but if I don’t know then I follow the etiquette I was brought up with.

The only person who does this in my family is my mother, she does it for her (mental image of her smiling remembering our wedding day as she writes our address). I find it annoying but I’m not going to woman the hatches over it - it’s a throwback...

I object to this too. If people want to be technically correct, they should address it: Dr Squirrels and Mr DH’s surname, because my title takes precedence in the stupid titles hierarchy tradition that people seem so keen on.

We got our new National trust cards in this week, DH looked at them and said ‘I’m only a Mr’. So I laughed at him and told him he’s more than welcome to do a PhD or train as a medical doctor.

Doesn't bother me at all.

DH and I have the same last name and initials.

To chip in; I am far from ‘perpetually offended’ and my rage is very quiet, more of a silent seethe.

I definitely do have other and more important things to worry about, this is an easy fix though... just remember my damn name 🤣

@Destroyedpeople

A same sex female couple ... ms smith and ms jones

Male ..Mr Smith and Mr Jones. ..

No problem. Married couples also surely!?

Actually my cousin and his husband are usually addressed as Messrs. Harris-Jones (names changed) or Mr and Mr Harris-Jones.

Their chequebook has Mr M and Mr R Harris-Jones.

I like it. I am proud to be married to my husband.

I confess I have no objection to being Mr and Mrs His initial Surname, which is how a lot of Christmas cards etc are addressed.

If something is addressed just to me, however, I loathe being Mrs His initial Surname.

Our cheque book says Mr His Initials and Mrs My Initials Surname, which I'm happy with.

23 years we've been married. For the last 35 approx years I have been Ms. Dibbler (before that I was Miss Dibbler as I didn't pay any attention to honoratives). At no point in that entire time did I, or DH for that matter, consider using anything other than Ms Dibbler.
And in spite of being Ms Dibbler in everything in my life, we still get cards from people in the family addressed to Mr + Mrs X Hisname.
DS is Dibbler-Hisname btw.

I refuse to open anything not addressed to me

@SunflowerProsecco

I like it. I am proud to be married to my husband.

Interesting how views are different isn’t it (said genuinely without judgement).

I’m proud of our marriage, I’m proud of our three daughters and I’m blessed to be a part of our little team. But I am an equal part of that and all it entails, success and failure alike.

Have to admit I’d be really happy with just: first name and first name, address. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sunflower is your husband not proud to be married to you? Why does it not work both ways?

MIL tried to persuade DH to take my surname (because it’s better 😁). He declined.

I really don't have an issue with this. Somebolder members of our families so this, but since dh is in his sixties and I'm late fifties, apart from a couple of aunts and our mothers, all in 80'S and 90's, there are not too many older people left in our families. When I write to them, I address them as Mrs surname. I do this because it's their way and they would consider it rude of me not to. Otherwise, I tend to write addresses to Mr and Mrs Surname if a joint item, or as individuals for birthday cards etc.
Personally, I consider my identity is must faceted - sometimes I am just Eric, sometimes I am Mum, Auntie, Grandmother, Daughter, Niece, friend, and sometimes my identity is seen as wife. All valid, none are offensive, so I really don't mind what people write on an envelope.

I really don’t care.

Most people know that I have never used my married name - and even our son gets mail addresses to my first name and my surname (so my late dads name). My husband sometimes gets Mr & Mrs Nowwwwww (more than us getting Mr & Mrs hisname)

I don’t use my husband’s surname but have occasionally had cards addressed to Mr and Mrs with his initial and last name. I’m not very bothered, it doesn’t happen often. I didn’t make a big thing of retaining my own name so a lot of people don’t know. About children - we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I once had a cheque in my married name. That was irritating because I had to go into the bank to explain but they still cashed it!

It won't be a popular opinion but it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I was taught to address letters this way, it doesn't mean I think that the women on the cards I'm sending at Christmas are any less of a person in their own right. There's a lovely lady I used to work with, whose husband was at home whilst she worked and we still send each other Christmas cards addressed in the traditional way. If I'm sending to the woman only, I use her initial but for couples I've always used the man's initial purely because it was how I was taught and it's not been something I've ever thought about. I've got much bigger things to worry about than this - people get offended so easily these days.