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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mr and Mrs his initial surname 🤬

425 replies

ottermadness · 26/06/2020 23:23

I just hate it, I’m not a Mrs and I have a name.

It’s nice that people remember to send anniversary cards though so I’m not going to be impolite.

AIBU that this gives me rage!?

OP posts:
Anotherscentedcandle · 26/06/2020 23:59

My in laws insist on sending cheques to me addressed as Mrs H Surname. I have a pile of them which I can't cash because I don't have a bank account in that name. Our daughters have my surname @finished31, because its not 1854 in our household. That doesn't stop people sending them post using my husbands surname of course.

Tiggytico · 27/06/2020 00:00

I was taught to address letters in this way.... never really thought about it until now! Confused

Anotherscentedcandle · 27/06/2020 00:02

I'm not sure I understand how people can be so relaxed about being completely subsumed into their husbands indentiy. But to each their own.

DamnYankee · 27/06/2020 00:02

Married 17 years.
I don't get this as much since the - ahem - older generation have died off.
My family/in-laws are aware I have an advanced degree and a professional certification. They are super-proud of me; however, I would never expect them (or older relatives) to address a letter to Mr. John Brown and Mrs. Jill Brown, PhD,

BogRollBOGOF · 27/06/2020 00:11

I'm one of 4 Mrs BOGOFs in the family so when there is a batch of post from within DH's family, there is a logic in differentiating Mr & Mrs A BOGOF, from Mr & Mrs B BOFOF etc.

I don't like just gaining DH's initial when it is only me being addressed

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 27/06/2020 00:12

Lol, this reminds me of when i first met DH, we got a joint english heritage membership.
My name was first on the form, and the payment was coming out of my account.
How pissed off I was when the cards came through with a letter addressed to Mr & Mrs M hislastname
I was bewildered, not least because the letter seemed to be almost solely written to him when I was paying!

kazzer2867 · 27/06/2020 00:16

@Anotherscentedcandle

I'm not sure I understand how people can be so relaxed about being completely subsumed into their husbands indentiy. But to each their own.

^^This.

I didn't expect my husband to take my surname and he didn't expect me to take his.

Idratherbeinbarbados · 27/06/2020 00:23

YANBU. However I have the same initial as DH so it’s not too much of an issue.

Silvergreen · 27/06/2020 00:24

Return it. This is why men act like they're the front & centre of families and think they're better than their wives. Only heterosexual women seem to put up with this disrespect...why?

nonsenceagain · 27/06/2020 00:27

YANBU but who on earth sends anniversary cards?

Wearywithteens · 27/06/2020 00:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Meanameicallmyself20 · 27/06/2020 01:03

My in-laws do this and it drives me mad. I know it’s the formal way but it seems so ridiculous that my name and initial are lost... !!!

safariboot · 27/06/2020 01:55

YANBU.

Mr and Mrs Surname would be fine. But addressing a married woman by her husband's name should be firmly consigned to the history books.

MrFaceyRomford · 27/06/2020 01:57

This is the technically correct way to address a married woman, if you are living in 1914. We're not. The last person I knew who did this was my DW's Granny but she was 96 so I suppose we can forgive her. YANBU.

MrsClatterbuck · 27/06/2020 02:05

I had this when attending a wedding. At the reception my place card said Mrs husbands 1st name then surname. Wasn't impressed at all in fact was very surprised how annoyed I was about it. This was early nineties.

eaglejulesk · 27/06/2020 02:06

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Clearly I'm in the minority

I agree with you, couldn't care less - what the hell does it matter, there are far more important things to stress about in life.

The perpetually offended walk among us!

Wheresthebiffer2 · 27/06/2020 02:15

@nonsenceagain
YANBU but who on earth sends anniversary cards?

My Mother-in-Law (who wasn't even invited to the wedding) sends us a card every year.

I hate hate hate it when she sends a letter to me only, addressed to Mrs H Surname. It's like her son is the important one, and I wouldn't exist to her if it weren't for him. It is true, but it does take away from the nice sentiments of the eg. birthday card she is sending, as I feel invisible.

theendoftheworldasweknowit · 27/06/2020 02:56

Mrs and Mrs [his initial] Surname is the correct way of addressing correspondence for a married couple following tradition.

Personally, I think if you change your surname to your husband's, you are following tradition and this is the sort of shit you can expect to have to put up with. Appreciate if you've been married for a long time, there probably wasn't the same level of noise back then about 'well, why should I change my surname?' It's definitely acceptable now to not to do, but I don't think it always has been, and I can't imagine many women want to go through another name change hassle now to get back their old names unless they've just gone through an acrimonious divorce.

For years, women have been putting up with having to change their surname on passports, bank accounts and, well, everything. If they have children, many people seem to assume they should get the father's surname (if unmarried) and then the women put up with people not thinking the children are theirs, because the surname doesn't match.

I'm not changing my surname for anyone, ever. Just because I was born with ovaries doesn't mean I want this hassle in my life!

Shoppingwithmother · 27/06/2020 03:18

The Mr & Mrs (his initial) Surname doesn’t bother me too much, although personally I would put both initials.

What really fucks me off though as PP have said, is Mrs (his initial) Surname on a letter addressed to me. My aunt does this on every birthday card she sends me. I know it I’m used to technically be correct, but it just seems so wrong and annoying. It’s not his birthday, it’s mine. She’s know me since I was born, 30-odd years before I got married. Why does she think I should now be addressed by his name on my birthday card?

She is only in her 70s, not her 90s, btw.

CathyComesHome · 27/06/2020 03:42

The perpetually offended walk among us!

So do handmaidens.

Why does the existence of women who care about sexism bother you so much? If you're cool with sexism then crack on, don't get your knickers in a twist that women you don't even know prefer not to live in the 1950s.

PurBal · 27/06/2020 03:44

I actually don't mind it. But I do mind being introduced as "DH wife".

JulieTheObscure · 27/06/2020 05:08

It is of course rooted in deep, deep sexism but yes, it is technically correct as a matter of form.

I didn't change my name either and still get cards etc. addressed that way from relatives. I address cards the same way to people who did change their names but differently if I'm aware they didn't.

It really doesn't bother me because my pedantry and live off doing things 'properly' pips my feminist outrage to the post on this one - noone I love is actually devaluing me, just following a historical quirk.

keeprocking · 27/06/2020 06:23

When having a baby in a military hospital overseas my name wasn't on my chart by the bed, I was 'wife of' OH's name!

itsmesoitis · 27/06/2020 06:47

YANBU - though I'm perfectly happy being Mrs I Soitis, Mr & Mrs Thatshim Soitis feels like It erases me completely.

I thought it was a bit of an older person's convention but only person to address cards 'Mr & Mrs T Soitis' to us (hand posted in the letterbox not through the mail!) is my SIL and she's 10 years younger than me!

BlitterBug · 27/06/2020 06:53

I did this on my wedding invitations Blush Blush Blush

I just read it on wedding forums which are full of antiquated "etiquette" advice, and didn't engage my brain. I burn with shame when I think of it. I would like to apologise to every married couple I sent an invitation to Blush

Would never do it again and can see how stupid it is.