The only thing I would say, is that in many countries where women don’t take the husband’s name, it actually makes no difference whatsoever in terms of eroding the “name patriarchy.” In fact it can strengthen the patriarchy. This is because it’s still the father’s name that gets handed to the children regardless. So the mother’s name is immaterial in this sense and it’s like she is the “outsider” name-wise.
For instance, I have friends from certain Middle Eastern countries who had to go to quite some lengths to be allowed to change their names to their husbands. For them, this is seen as progressive or “Western” and more liberal. This is because of the tradition in these countries that you are born with your father’s name and you are defined by it for life. But what is important is that, as a female, you have no chance to pass it on. This is the key. This is the patriarchy at work! Nor do you have any option to share the name of the children you gave birth to.
So while I totally understand why women not wanting to change their names in marriage can be seen as more feminist from a UK perspective, when you think about it, the only way to achieve any lasting change (beyond yourself) is to pass on your name (Not the DH’s) to your children.
Otherwise, whether you change your name or not, the children will still internalise, from day one, that they inherited their name from the father. This becomes their “internalised model” - the very reason we are not “born into a vacuum”- and so on and so on. Nothing material has actually changed.
I think, as women, we have to understand that the inequality inherent in surnames doesn’t start with the decision to name change on marriage. If you inherited your father’s name at birth (whether your mother shared it or not), then you were, unwittingly, born into that inequality from day one. We have to understand this.
Even if you bypass tradition and choose not to change your name on marriage later in life, that name will still die with you. The more important choice if you want lasting and meaningful change, is to bypass the the expectation that your children will take your DH’s name. This is the fundamental tradition that shapes the inequality and it all stems from there.
When we have a society in which children are equally likely to be born with their mother’s name as they are their father’s, that is when the real shift will have occurred. We’re not there yet because even though many women are not name-changing, far less are insisting it is their name that gets carried over to the children.