Mr and Mrs his initial surname 🤬

[ottermadness]

I just hate it, I’m not a Mrs and I have a name.

It’s nice that people remember to send anniversary cards though so I’m not going to be impolite.

AIBU that this gives me rage!?

I am a Dr, but don't tend to use that title outside of work, and go by Ms OwnSurname instead.

I started out like this. I thought using the 'Dr' title outside a working context was pretentious, and to a point do still. But the Miss/Mrs/Ms issue got old fast. Status of 'married' won't compute with Miss/Ms. The expectation that I'll justify my status and explain my intimate relationships to complete strangers who have the right to no such information about me - particularly when the same expectation doesn't exist for men - is tedious. The there was the snide implication from a Facebook acquaintance: 'well, I respected MY husband', as though I didn't respect mine (and on this occasion the observation that I was the one still married proved too tempting to resist). That isn't the only instance of criticism, but it's one that springs to mind.

Really, why do other women care? Men don't. For me using the 'Dr' title neatly circumvents all that BS (although it is sometimes amusing that it's assumed DH is the 'Dr' and not yours truly. It's like the old 'I can't operate on this boy, he's my son' riddle).

Left up to me, my strong preference would be to use no title at all. They're obsolete in any case. A name is more than enough to identify anyone.

Isn't it just elderly people doing this? I can't see any thirty year olds addressing a card that way. As it was taught this way in school, on secretarial courses and used in the workplace, can't you just give them a pass for their old-fashioned ways? Why criticise older people for following what they believe is the polite way to do things. We'd never find programmes like Downton Abbey charming if we railed at the formality.

If I'm sending to the woman only, I use her initial but for couples I've always used the man's initial purely because it was how I was taught and it's not been something I've ever thought about. I've got much bigger things to worry about than this - people get offended so easily these days.

Now you know you are likely pissing people off, will you have the courtesy to stop doing it? It only takes a second's thought not to offend people, so need to worry about it, just be polite and stop using outdated and sexist forms of address that erase the woman in a marriage. Job done.

Makes me angry too. mIL special.
Very Hyacinth Bucket.
I don't care how you feel, what the roots of this practice are, it's the ' correct' way of writing then that's what I'm doing. Oh and if it minimises you as a person, all the good.

I am so hoping this year MIL continues to address me as Mrs (H initial) surname as I can ask her which one of us she meant it for as it is neither of our names 😂

We had a wedding cheque addressed to mr and mrs hisinitial hissurname and we struggled to bank it because we don’t have an account in those names. Eventually I took our marriage certificate in with me and said we hadn’t got around to changing my name yet and they let me cash it. It was a lie as we aren’t hisname, we double barrelled.

We also got an anniversary card for Mr and Mrs hisinital hissurname, and this was from someone who I know knows we double barrelled!

We both kept our maiden names for work but we double barrelled because we like the sentiment of us joining as a family.

I’m fairly easy with being called maiden name, double barrelled or sometimes hissurname, but I do object to just being a Mrs hisinitial hissurname.

I've had no problems with ticking Miss/Ms and married on forms. I put a note in with our first set of Xmas cards after getting married to say I was known as Ms Firstname Myname. Some relatives still ignore it. If I'm not sure what title friends prefer I write to Hername Hersurname and Hisname Hissurname. Mind you people getting your name wrong is a useful sign it's a sales call and a good way of weeding out suppliers who don't listen and can't do details. I am a big old hypocrite though as I use my married name for my work as a teacher. It's like a stage name!

For all those saying it's the correct form of address, you are only supposed to use those forms of address if you don't know how the person you are addressing prefers to be addressed as.

If you have been told that the person you want to address is using their birth name and not their husband's name, then you address them that way. NOT impose their husband's initial and name on them.

@Toothsil

It won't be a popular opinion but it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I was taught to address letters this way, it doesn't mean I think that the women on the cards I'm sending at Christmas are any less of a person in their own right. There's a lovely lady I used to work with, whose husband was at home whilst she worked and we still send each other Christmas cards addressed in the traditional way. If I'm sending to the woman only, I use her initial but for couples I've always used the man's initial purely because it was how I was taught and it's not been something I've ever thought about. I've got much bigger things to worry about than this - people get offended so easily these days.

You could save precious time to worry about all these bigger things by just writing an initial and leaving the title out entirely.

Wouldn’t bother me

I've got much bigger things to worry about than this - people get offended so easily these days

I doubt anyone on this thread worries more about this than health, can they afford the weekly shop etc. But whether it not someone is offended isn’t the definition of whether you are being rude, and is it up to you to decide whether your friends and relatives should care about whether you address them by their right name and title?

Isn't it just elderly people doing this? I can't see any thirty year olds addressing a card that way

LOL, not judging by this thread it isn’t.

I can't get fussed with Mr & Mrs Surname, there are plenty of other arguments and this is not one I choose to fight.
I do object to Mrs Surname, though.

My biggest bug bear (and DH refused to deal with it) is that PILs insist on being Mum and Dad. I still refuse point blank to say it. It's lead to some 'interesting' awkwardness and stand offs.
SIL's DH is under her thumb and happily goes along with it. BIL's DH is allowed to use thier Christian names. 😡

@DianaT1969

Isn't it just elderly people doing this? I can't see any thirty year olds addressing a card that way. As it was taught this way in school, on secretarial courses and used in the workplace, can't you just give them a pass for their old-fashioned ways? Why criticise older people for following what they believe is the polite way to do things. We'd never find programmes like Downton Abbey charming if we railed at the formality.

In my experience it is older family, but looking at this thread it seems like it isn’t just older folk.

Re: the rest. I’m not particularly ok with giving a pass on things that could be offensive or demeaning just because someone has always thought/said that - where does that end!?

This thread is making me feel like I want to be braver in calling it out, not rude, just braver.

YANBU. I’d tell these people to address all future envelopes as something like ‘Dr O Madness and spouse’.

Make sure you’re first on the envelope and he’s merely reduced to your property. Isn’t that what they do to us?

DH's Aunt does this, really gets on my tits .

Some of my older relatives do this, doesn't bother me at all but each to their own.

It doesn't bother me at all either, but I took my husband's name when we got married, as have all my friends ... I don't know anyone that kept their birth name or double-barrelled, even in their professional lives. I certainly don't feel like I lost any sense of my own identity

NellePorter

I don't mind Mr & Mrs Surname on a joint card, as I too took his surname when we married, it's when a birthday card for me is addressed 'Mrs DH's initial Surname' that pisses me off.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I am a Dr, but don't tend to use that title outside of work, and go by Ms OwnSurname instead.

I started out like this. I thought using the 'Dr' title outside a working context was pretentious, and to a point do still. But the Miss/Mrs/Ms issue got old fast. Status of 'married' won't compute with Miss/Ms. The expectation that I'll justify my status and explain my intimate relationships to complete strangers who have the right to no such information about me - particularly when the same expectation doesn't exist for men - is tedious. The there was the snide implication from a Facebook acquaintance: 'well, I respected MY husband', as though I didn't respect mine (and on this occasion the observation that I was the one still married proved too tempting to resist). That isn't the only instance of criticism, but it's one that springs to mind.

Really, why do other women care? Men don't. For me using the 'Dr' title neatly circumvents all that BS (although it is sometimes amusing that it's assumed DH is the 'Dr' and not yours truly. It's like the old 'I can't operate on this boy, he's my son' riddle).

Left up to me, my strong preference would be to use no title at all. They're obsolete in any case. A name is more than enough to identify anyone.

I totally agree with you. A name is more than enough.

And I have decided that it is no more pretentious to use the title that I spent years working to gain (and which is entirely unrelated to either my sex or marital status) than it is for people who insist that they must be addressed as Mrs because they are proud to be married.

Obviously I am delighted to be married to DH but it’s not an achievement particularly and not something that defines me.

I hate it too. My late MIL used to do this, but worse than this my own late DM did it. It made me go into a rage! Surely the person who chose their child’s name would be the one person who would use it. Gosh I’m getting cross just thinking of it!

My mum used to do that. I just ignored it. When I sent my parents cards I used Mr and Mrs [my dad's name].

Oddly enough my very traditional American PILs just went with Mr and Mrs [DH surname].

Taking my H's name was a choice I made because mine is foreign and in an Anglophone country difficult to spell and pronounce. I got tired of having to send official documents back for correction. My H has now been dead almost 2 years and we were divorcing when he died, but I'm keeping his surname because it's practical.

Whether you like it or not, it is traditionally correct.

@Euclid

Whether you like it or not, it is traditionally correct.

What does traditionally mean here? It was something that was done as the norm for a while before ceasing to be the norm, but then so was not having surnames at all.

How outdated should a tradition be before we get rid of it? Or should I also ask my husband's permission to get a bank account and be fired when I get married?

I got married last year and I was shocked at people sending me congatulation cards to Mr & Mrs surname.......I havent change my name, have zero plans to.

No idea why woman dont question this tradition and stop doing it. I remember a thread on here before and woman rambling on about choices and they chose to take on there DH name- sounds more like it wasnt even questioned and they did what tradition dictates without a blink of an eye. My other half assumed I would be rushing off to change my name...eh absolutely not. This whole thing of carrying on the male family name....bull cack...My DS has my surname btw incase anyone asks. Its 2020 ladies its time to change things for your DD and raise expectations.....

Perhaps if we stopped taking on a mans name at marriage we wouldnt be having to discuss the cards issue!