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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this gift request

353 replies

Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 18:50

Hi everyone! Just wanted some opinions whether I was being sensitive here and overreacting about a situation that’s happened recently.

I bought my youngest brother in law a birthday gift from Selfridges from a brand I’ve seen him wear a lot. Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself. I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Now.. brother in law wants me to return the gift and give him money instead. He didn’t tell me directly but MIL told me that he doesn’t like it and would prefer if I returned it and gave him money instead.

Am I right to be a bit annoyed at this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
workercovid · 26/06/2020 19:25

I would keep the shirt give the ungrateful shit £40 or not bother as presumably he did get a present from you and your husband. Then give the shirt to your husband for his birthday instead.
Asking you to buy an individual present sounds a bit strange as well as the brother mil, which makes me think that this is weird present giving family with a sense of entitlement off the scale.
I would also nip it in the bud because you husband might be laying the ground work for you to be doing it all. The giving him the gift might make him think twice

IsMiseMorag · 26/06/2020 19:26

I'd return it, get a gift voucher for myself and send him £50 cash.

A lot depends on your MIL's role in this though.

'Here, Mum, give this bogging t-shirt back to JamieLynn and tell her I'd rather have the cash.' = RUDERUDERUDE

'Oh, don't you like it, Percy? Oh dear, tell you what, why don't I give it back to JamieLynn and ask her to give you the money instead?' = somewhat less rude and possibly a warning sign.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 26/06/2020 19:26

i think that is really rude.
he can exchange it since he has the gift receipt, but to ask you to do is very bad manners.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 26/06/2020 19:27

he is 21 give him money or leave your DH to get his own brother a present. I have no idea why you want to take over gift buying. I dont find it rude, he doesnt like it, get the money back and let him buy what he wants and going forward leave your DH to by his own siblings presents

Original poster
Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 19:27

@Ellisandra I never thought about it like that actually! It’s still the same cost to me whether it’s cash or clothes. A good point to reflect on

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 26/06/2020 19:27

@Jamielynn

There was a gift receipt - customer services would only do an exchange though. So they wanted me to take it back with the original receipt for cash/gift voucher. It was £100
Hang on you gave him a gift receipt so he could exchange it for anything he wants but instead he wants you to do the extra work of taking it back and then wants the money.

Fuck him, cheeky fucker.

Fair enough if you don't like something that you exchange it for something else if the gift giver has given you that option but it's just rude to ask for the money.

chubbyhotchoc · 26/06/2020 19:28

Rude

Original poster
Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 19:28

@IsMiseMorag I have a funny feeling it’s the latter..

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/06/2020 19:28

God I don't even spend £100 on my own relative for their birthday. No way would I spend that on an in law.

Meggie2008 · 26/06/2020 19:29

Wouldn't even bother my arse giving him anything else tbh. I'd just take it back and get my money back.
If he wants to be so ungrateful when someone went to the bother of picking him out something expensive, he doesn't deserve anything.

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/06/2020 19:29

Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself
This is how women volunteer to do the 'wife-work' and then get saddled with sorting out the cards/gifts/reminders for the in-laws!
You were NOT buying the gift from yourself only - it was a JOINT gift from you and your dh......

He gave it to MIL to give back to me
So he's been brought up with no manners?
He's a 21 year old MAN - and he can't be arsed ringing his SIL to ask for the receipt?
He isn't gratfeul or appreciative that you've spent £100 and the time/energy choosing him something he likes.......
I don't think he's deserves you shelling out a huge amount on his bday and xmas gifts.......wait til it's your turn and you'll be lucky if you even get a cheap card from him.

JollyAndBright · 26/06/2020 19:33

This is so unbelievably rude and ungrateful.

I do 100% agree that he shouldn’t have a £100 T-shirt he isn’t going to wear but I’m guessing there was plenty he could choose from that he would wear or he could have swapped it for a gift voucher for the store if there was nothing he wanted at the moment.

To demand the cash instead is very rude.

I would take it back and then give him £50 in a card.

JennyWoodentop · 26/06/2020 19:33

I missed the fact there was a gift receipt when I responded. I would engage with this no further & would definitely not be buying gifts for that side of the family in future! If you sent a gift receipt, you've been totally reasonable in terms of his abilty to return it if he doesn't like it.

BarbeDwyer · 26/06/2020 19:34

I can see both sides, but what I would do would be to return the present. Give the money to him, but spend much less next time, if you can be bothered.

Some people don't like receiving clothes as gifts. I'd never give them unless requested, as I'd think it looked like I was telling them what to wear.

WanderleyWagon · 26/06/2020 19:35

IsMiseMorag makes a good point - did this idea come from him or the MIL?

Because it's his 21st and because you're newly married and because liberal benefit of the doubt is usually the way to go, I'd send him back the garment and the receipt and tell him in a friendly way he's welcome to take it back for the cash.

And then I'd review gift-giving protocols in your family from top to bottom!

GabsAlot · 26/06/2020 19:35

he sent it back via his mother-how rude

tell him you can only get store credit

JRUIN · 26/06/2020 19:36

I would never spend $100 for an item of clothing for another person unless I was 100% sure they would wear it, and I don't blame him for wanting the cash rather than waste an expensive item of clothing. He should however have phoned you himself to politely explain that it wasn't quite to his taste and that he could really do with the cash or perhaps a gift voucher so that he could chose his own clothing , rather than getting mummy to do his dirty work for him.

GingerFluffycat · 26/06/2020 19:37

If you are able to get a refund, keep the full amount of cash.
Send BIL a tenner. Tell him that's all you could get back, as the poncey designer t shirt had been reduced in the sale Wink

Going forward, DH sorts out gifts/cards etc for his side and you stick to yours.

Good Luck

DisobedientHamster · 26/06/2020 19:37

[quote Jamielynn]@garbagegirl He gave it to MIL to give back to me[/quote]
So he's a lazy twat as well? I'd not give him the money. No more gifts from you. Your h can buy him a gift card or something. He's rude AF. No manners. I'd have no problem telling him it's a pity he doesn't like the gift and the voucher isn't suitable, but that it's quite rude to expect someone to do the legwork to hand over money so you won't be doing that. After you get the item back.

GabsAlot · 26/06/2020 19:37

tell him u lost the receipt sorry

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/06/2020 19:37

Thoroughly unpleasant behaviour all round - BIL for requesting the cash instead of just exchanging it and MIL for enabling him

I agree with those who've said take it back, give him £20 and leave gift buying to your DH in future

OneForMeToo · 26/06/2020 19:38

I’m sure he could buy £100 with if clothes he does like. I wouldn’t be going to take it back when you gave the gift receipt.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 26/06/2020 19:38

It is very cheeky. And if you wouldn't normally spend that much than your setting yourself up for always having to spend that much/give him that much cash for every gift. I'd take it back and give him £50

BessMarvin · 26/06/2020 19:39

I'm getting a bit confused. Did your DH buy him something as well that was just from him?

honeylulu · 26/06/2020 19:40

This is bonkers! I used to get separate gifts for my boyfriend's family (and he mine) but once we were engaged I bought for mine and he bought for his and all gifts were signed from both of us. I strongly recommend it. "Insisting" you should buy his squirt of a brother an expensive gift of your own, my arse! What does the brother get you for your birthday I wonder ...? Let me guess - fuck all, by any chance?

I am a bit evil but I can't abide ingratitude and bad manners. I would collect from MIL, return item, keep MY £100, give nothing else. If chased (which again would be VERY rude) I would say "oh sorry not sorry I've realized funds are tight this month so I can't give any cash". And that would be the last present ever.