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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this gift request

353 replies

Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 18:50

Hi everyone! Just wanted some opinions whether I was being sensitive here and overreacting about a situation that’s happened recently.

I bought my youngest brother in law a birthday gift from Selfridges from a brand I’ve seen him wear a lot. Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself. I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Now.. brother in law wants me to return the gift and give him money instead. He didn’t tell me directly but MIL told me that he doesn’t like it and would prefer if I returned it and gave him money instead.

Am I right to be a bit annoyed at this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 26/06/2020 20:13

[quote Jamielynn]@heartsonacake no need to be patronising.[/quote]
I wasn’t being patronising Confused The point of gift giving isn’t to make yourself feel good, but for the other person to receive something they like.

He doesn’t like the gift you’ve given. Do you want it to just sit in his wardrobe gathering dust? Or do you actually want him to have something from you that he’d enjoy?

Waveysnail · 26/06/2020 20:13

So it was a 21st birthday present?

Beautiful3 · 26/06/2020 20:13

I think maybe from now on just give him cash in a card. What did your husband think?

BlitterBug · 26/06/2020 20:14

He may just be being honest so as not to set a precedent. If he'd just thanked you and pretended to be grateful, you'd probably have repeated it for the rest of time.

I happened to have a Clinique skincare set in my bathroom when (lovely) MIL first came to stay with us - got it free with something but didn't like it. She saw this and got it in her head that I love Clinique skincare. Every birthday and Christmas she got me an expensive Clinique item. Of course I didn't want to be rude so just smiled and thanked her warmly. So that encouraged her more. I wish I'd just been honest upfront, possibly offended her slightly, but not have a cupboard full of unused Clinique products Confused

Is there a nice way to be grateful for the thought, but stop the giver doing it again without causing offence?

Original poster
Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 20:15

@heartsonacake sorry, it came across that way. That’s true, but I’m sure he could find a way to spend £100 in selfridges instead of asking me to return it and get cash.

OP posts:
Saralou82 · 26/06/2020 20:15

I think he was quite ungrateful. Just give him the money or gift recipt and chalk it up to never gifting again for his family. Or if you do just stick a love to shop voucher in a card!
Also tell DH to get his ungrateful little brother a gift from both of you in future and any arguments arise from it just say sorry don't want to get it wrong and as your DH chose it it's not your fault anyway.

Original poster
Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 20:18

@BlitterBug
That’s a good point! I’ve been in a similar situation where I’ve pretended to like something and therefore been gifted it again! In that case, I’m glad he told me so I didn’t do the same thing for years to come

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 26/06/2020 20:21

[quote Jamielynn]@heartsonacake sorry, it came across that way. That’s true, but I’m sure he could find a way to spend £100 in selfridges instead of asking me to return it and get cash.[/quote]
No worries. I do think it shouldn’t be considered rude to say “thank you, but actually I’d prefer X, Y or Z” because gift giving is about the receiver, not the giver.

Nobody’s going to get gift giving right every time and that’s okay because we’re all human.

MrsExpo · 26/06/2020 20:30

Bloody rude. He needs to learn some manners. I would refuse to exchange it and tell him why.

DisobedientHamster · 26/06/2020 20:31

Being honest would have been to message, 'Thank you so much for the lovely gift. I'm sorry to say it wasn't quite to my taste so I swapped it out for something else (thank you for enclosing the gift receipt).' Not handing it to your mother and tell her get another woman to go back to the shop, get the money for it and deliver it to him, the Big Man.

Pebblexox · 26/06/2020 20:32

I can understand that his request is a little rude, and not something I'd do myself. However when gifting someone an item they haven't usually asked for themselves I will often include a gift receipt just incase they wish to exchange for something else.
It could also be an age thing, at 21 only my mum bought me actual gifts, I asked for money from everyone else.

DisobedientHamster · 26/06/2020 20:33

[quote Jamielynn]@BlitterBug
That’s a good point! I’ve been in a similar situation where I’ve pretended to like something and therefore been gifted it again! In that case, I’m glad he told me so I didn’t do the same thing for years to come[/quote]
Don't do his fucking donkey work, though. He was rude AF. Do you have the item already? If not, just a message, 'Sorry you didn't like the gift but I'm afraid I'm not available to run errands for others and present cash deliveries but by all means swap it out.' If you do have it already, like fuck be his personal gopher/cash delivery service.

DisobedientHamster · 26/06/2020 20:35

@Pebblexox

I can understand that his request is a little rude, and not something I'd do myself. However when gifting someone an item they haven't usually asked for themselves I will often include a gift receipt just incase they wish to exchange for something else. It could also be an age thing, at 21 only my mum bought me actual gifts, I asked for money from everyone else.
Read the thread. He doesn't want to exchange, so he wants the OP to get a refund then deliver him the cash.
Pebblexox · 26/06/2020 20:37

Read the thread. He doesn't want to exchange, so he wants the OP to get a refund then deliver him the cash.
^^
I get that, but given op was given a gift receipt, that's what I'd give to him, I wouldn't go out of my way to get a cash refund due to how he's asked for it.

DisobedientHamster · 26/06/2020 20:40

@Pebblexox

Read the thread. He doesn't want to exchange, so he wants the OP to get a refund then deliver him the cash. ^^ I get that, but given op was given a gift receipt, that's what I'd give to him, I wouldn't go out of my way to get a cash refund due to how he's asked for it.
The OP has given him a gift receipt.

There was a gift receipt - customer services would only do an exchange though. So they wanted me to take it back with the original receipt for cash/gift voucher. It was £100

Winterwoollies · 26/06/2020 20:41

Take it back. Don’t replace it. Definitely don’t give him the money. He can do one.

katy1213 · 26/06/2020 20:42

Did you get a thank you letter? Or just the message via his mother?

SpocksEyebrows · 26/06/2020 20:45

Spending £100 on your BILs birthday is creating a rod for your own back. Believe me, I've been there. When you want to buy a house, have DC, they will still expect you to do the same and get a cob on when you don't.

FrugiFan · 26/06/2020 20:45

What did he get you for your birthday? Let me guess, his name was on the present from MIL?

TaleOfTheContinents · 26/06/2020 20:57

I do also think the attitude to presents and gift giving varies from family to family.

In my family, we were raised to be grateful for the gift so we smile and thank the person and never let on if we don't like the present.

I was shocked by my first Xmas with DH; his family would unwrap something and if it wasn't to their taste (more so for clothing), they would just say so and the gift giver would offer to exchange it. I was Shock but they feel that money shouldn't be wasted on gifts a person won't use.

AddressLabel · 26/06/2020 20:58

Take it back, get a refund and give him £50, if he quibbles it say the other £50 was an admin charge

Original poster
Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 20:59

@katy1213 Come to think of it, there wasn’t a thank you at all.

OP posts:
NessV · 26/06/2020 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 21:02

@TaleOfTheContinents that’s also a great point. I’ve been brought up to be grateful for gifts even if I don’t particularly like them but I guess his family are different. Particularly considering MIL had no problem mentioning this to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 21:02

@NessV wrong thread I think!

OP posts: