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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this gift request

353 replies

Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 18:50

Hi everyone! Just wanted some opinions whether I was being sensitive here and overreacting about a situation that’s happened recently.

I bought my youngest brother in law a birthday gift from Selfridges from a brand I’ve seen him wear a lot. Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself. I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Now.. brother in law wants me to return the gift and give him money instead. He didn’t tell me directly but MIL told me that he doesn’t like it and would prefer if I returned it and gave him money instead.

Am I right to be a bit annoyed at this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Petlover9 · 28/06/2020 09:53

OP. I agree with @AdaColeman and @gazingahead.
Your BIL IS A Rude entitled git

SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow · 28/06/2020 09:57

OP you did a nice thing. You made an effort to choose something he would like but also giving him the option to return it, to a large department store where most people would be able to find something to swap it for. Your in laws were not appreciative and have been rude.

Unfortunately I think this might affect your relationship with them going forward.

Cakemadeoffruit · 28/06/2020 10:13

I'd return it, but remember to take out your hourly rate to go to the shop and back to purchase it, your hourly rate to go to the shop and return it. And your car park fee. Twice. And your petrol fee. Twice. And your lunch cause your blood sugar levels were low. He'll about about £21 left. That's the traditional amout to give at 21st's to anyway isn't it?

frazzledasarock · 28/06/2020 10:20

[quote Jamielynn]@Motoko
I had originally picked out a less expensive branded polo shirt but DH said it wasn’t “special enough” for his 21st

He will definitely be buying all gifts for his family going forward and stick my name on too

@Needtolovemyself I haven’t done anything about it yet. Tempted to spoil myself instead though![/quote]
The more you tell us about your H’s input on all of this the worse he sounds.

Has your H bought ££££ worry of gifts for any one of your relatives?

Your H sounds money orientated and not like someone who has his wife’s back at all.

frazzledasarock · 28/06/2020 10:22

And return the item, get a full refund. Or buy yourself something nice.

And if asked go, oh H told me we’d already got ungrateful dickhead a birthday gift, I should have double checked before going off on a limb by myself. I hear ungrateful little twerp really loves his computer game. That was from us hope he spends lots of happy time on it.

pinkyredrose · 28/06/2020 10:24

OP how did your husband 'kind of insist' that you bought this present? Is there anything else he 'insists' on now that you're married?

Bit concerned that he and his family might see you as a cash cow, do you earn a lot more than them?

BBCONEANDTWO · 28/06/2020 10:25

Give him the receipt and get him to return it. I usually give clothes gifts with a gift receipt so if they don't like it they can return.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/06/2020 10:33

BBCONEANDTWO The OP, did just that - the gift came with a gift receipt Confused

Appuskidu · 28/06/2020 10:36

Has your H bought ££££ worry of gifts for any one of your relatives?

This.

Beautiful3 · 28/06/2020 11:00

I find it werid that your husband told you to buy a separate present?! I'm married, we buy a joint present for family. I think you definitely overspent and set a precedent. He was ungrateful and rude for not thanking you and for asking him mum to sort it. I would return it, keep the refund. If they ask for the money, say that you couldn't get a refund because you lost the receipt. So used the credit note to buy yourself some new clothes. Say you'll make up for it next time, and don't! Could you suggest that husband buys the presents for his family, while you get them for your side?

TheTeenageYears · 28/06/2020 11:12

I don't understand why now you are married DH thinks you should also buy gifts for his family - surely you just pool resources (it's now family money in the eyes of the law anyway) and buy one gift. I could almost understand DH trying to shunt the responsibility of gift purchasing onto you (definitely not saying it's right to do so) for a joint gift but I've never heard of anyone buying separate gifts now they are married.

Is DH now also planning to buy your family a separate gift from himself?

You now know that despite having a great relationship with BIL he is basically still a child who defaults to his mummy to resolve problems for him - is your DH the same?

Your DH has some questions to answer about the money he was a apparently given towards the honeymoon in lieu of a wedding gift from his parents.

Agree with DH that he is responsible for executing gifts/cards for his family and you are for yours which will be from both of you.

Itwasnoaccident9786756453 · 28/06/2020 11:16

He sounds horrendously spoilt by his mother. This is very rude behaviour and she's facilitating it. I feel sorry for his wives. There's bound to be a string of them.

Saralou82 · 28/06/2020 11:16

The more I hear on this thread the more I think you should keep the £100. Tell your husband that from now on he can provide for his ungrateful family himself.

Saralou82 · 28/06/2020 11:23

Also when/if your brother in law asks for the money rock up in the new outfit you've bought say as you didn't like it and wouldn't accept the gift recipt I was more appreciative of the money being spent on me. And if your husband say anything just say but that computer game was from both of us wasn't it darling. Husband will then either have to back you or back his family. If he backs you brilliant if he backs his family then just leave it and just add your name on any future gifts

1992EM · 28/06/2020 11:25

Personally I think that is really rude. I could understand if it maybe didn't fit or he wanted a different colour but to ask for money. I would take it back and just return it and not give him the money. Treat yourself instead and in future your husband can shop for his side if they are that ungrateful. I buy all the presents for both sides but we always say it's from both of us . It's just how we work it and it works for us.

canigooutyet · 28/06/2020 11:29

It was a blatant attempt of getting you to do all the "wifework" stuff hence he insisted you do it.

He would have known his brother is spoilt and ungrateful, hard to buy for so he tried to pass this onto you.

Wonder what other new things he will insist you do. Make it clear when you say no once you mean it. I never understand why when the word no is said it becomes a battleground, justifications need to be given, the incessant nagging.

milveycrohn · 28/06/2020 11:43

I think you should learn from this experience.
Buying expensive presents for adults often ends up as expensive mistakes and 100.00 is way too much to spend IMO.
On this occasion I would return the gift and get the refund. As suggested by an earlier poster I would not necessarily give the whole sum to BIL but probably half, due to the time and effort for getting the refund.
Going forward I would leave all IL present buying to DH, and in future it would probably be a cash sum (smallish) from both of you. Your DH and you have to agree in advance an appropriate amount, which is always a joint gift.
I would avoid gift vouchers, as they frequently get lost, go unused, are dated, etc

amispeakingenglish · 28/06/2020 15:23

with the receipt he can change for something he does like, but not get money back as he doesn't have the payment card, assuming you paid by card. Or take it back yourself and give him £20.00 cash, That is enough for the age group he seems to belong in. It's hard to buy for others and you tried your best, he should appreciate that and not be so bloody rude. Obviously not keep something he doesn't like though.

amusedbush · 28/06/2020 15:32

@AnnaBanana333

How does he have flashy cars aged 21?
I have a colleague who is 21, has managed to get few promotions by getting in with the management and riding on the coat tails of others. He lives at home on a good salary and pays no rent.

He has a brand new car with a private reg plate, the latest phone, a brand new iMac desktop, Gucci wallet, Yeezy trainers, Canada Goose jacket, holidays and festivals every other month. He has no savings but he’s trussed up like you wouldn’t believe in flashy gear. He has also taken credit up to his eyeballs.

(He brags a lot, gets his parcels delivered to the office and takes photos of this stuff for insta, hence I know so much!)

DisobedientHamster · 28/06/2020 15:50

@Jamielynn

My in laws gave me/us nothing on our wedding either (they apparently gave DH money for our honeymoon fund but this is the first I’m hearing of it - maybe he’s trying to protect them because he knows how bad that sounds out loud).. is this another red flag or am I reading too much into it?
YES! And about your husband. FFS, it's all about appeasing these rude fuckers. Just nip that shit in the bud now and get it all worked out how you'll deal with these fucking gifts before you have kids.

Don't give this twat cash. 'Lost the receipt. You'll just have to exchange'. End. My guess is after he's told this your MIL will push. Check that shit. 'No. I'm not going to do anything further with this.'

Then a long talk with your H about how you're expected to hand over gits worth hundred and then they are rude AF about it and how that needs to stop right now.

I'd never buy this kid a present again. Not once.

Original poster
Jamielynn · 28/06/2020 15:50

@amusedbush this sounds exactly like him, down to the shoes! I wonder if it’s the same person 🤣

OP posts:
DisobedientHamster · 28/06/2020 15:53

Don't wind up ten years down the line struggling to make ends meet with two kids and you both working and your in-laws demanding expensive gifts and your h enabling that shit. Balls they gave you money for honeymoon. This only gets worse if it's not nipped in the bud, IME.

istheresomethingishouldknow · 28/06/2020 15:55

Hand the shirt to your DH and tell him he can sort it as he made you buy something more 'special' than what you wanted to buy him, and now his brother is being a massive arse. also make it clear you will never do his shopping for him again.

BeenNeverSeen · 28/06/2020 16:36

@Shinebright72

I actually think MIL is at fault firstly she should of put her son in his place and told him to find some manners.... I don’t think it’s her place to relay or get involved in passing a gift back! It’s taking the piss if you put a gift receipt in too. I wouldn’t buy anything again.
This ^ He’s 21 years old ffs, why is his Mummy getting involved? If he wants the cash that badly, he can speak to you himself - & thank you for the gift at the same time! I would expect DH to be telling him he’s an entitled CF but yes, as it’s his 21st I would probably give him the cash. Now he’s supposedly an adult, only buy for him if it’s reciprocal & an agreed amount that works both ways.
canigooutyet · 28/06/2020 16:45

From his families behaviour I'm thinking they might have given him money towards his honeymoon, seeing as once married you are no longer considered a couple.