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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this gift request

353 replies

Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 18:50

Hi everyone! Just wanted some opinions whether I was being sensitive here and overreacting about a situation that’s happened recently.

I bought my youngest brother in law a birthday gift from Selfridges from a brand I’ve seen him wear a lot. Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself. I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Now.. brother in law wants me to return the gift and give him money instead. He didn’t tell me directly but MIL told me that he doesn’t like it and would prefer if I returned it and gave him money instead.

Am I right to be a bit annoyed at this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 27/06/2020 18:04

Yeah you keep saying that over & over but at no point have I nor OP said nor implied that either of us give to feel good about ourselves?!

Dougalthesyrianhamster Okay, so if you’re not giving a gift to feel good about yourself, surely you want the other person to enjoy the gift?

In which case, why wouldn’t you be happy for him to return it and get a present he actually wants? Instead of the gift you gave him gathering dust at the back of his wardrobe?

ToftyAC · 27/06/2020 18:06

Rude & ungrateful in that he could have exchanged for something else. I’d take it back and give him £20.

Lou898 · 27/06/2020 18:10

I’d be tempted to return it but give him a gift card of lesser value.

At 21 I’d also be looking at whether gifts continued. It was such a relief when we decided to stop buying gifts for one another and to buy ourselves something with the money. No pressure and ended up with something we wanted. We still buy for the children just not the adults.

Atadaddicted · 27/06/2020 18:13

Say no - he shoves it in back of wardrobe, never worn and the family think you’re a little odd. Total waste of your money.

Say yes - You accept that despite being so sure it was a great present, he didn't. Shrug it off, say sure. Move on.

Penelopeschat · 27/06/2020 18:15

@Jamielynn - he is very cheeky and juvenile!

Return and give lesser in cash. Important lesson here IMHO. You and his brother r can teach it to him. At max I’d give him £50 cash.

Murraygoldberg · 27/06/2020 18:15

I would give him the receipt and let your husband deal with future presents, I would not be going to the effort of going to the shop and doing it - I can't be bothered doing that for myself

Frazzled50 · 27/06/2020 18:16

Take item back for a refund, buy him a case of beer and stick £20 in a card.Spend the remainder on yourself sorted 👍🏻

Billiemate · 27/06/2020 18:31

Very rude. I would return it and either give him nothing or £50 max.

Celestine70 · 27/06/2020 18:35

Your husband is a bit of a twat tbh. Did he buy him a separate present? I would take it back get the money and keep it or just bung him twenty in a card. And from now on tell your husband he can do the gift shopping and it will be one gift from both of you. You need to nip this in the bud.

user1471590586 · 27/06/2020 18:43

Did your husband also buy him a present? If so tell the BIL that you hadn't realised your husband had already given him a gift. Then take the item back and keep the money. How cheeky of him asking for money. He could take it back himself for a voucher.

NearlyGranny · 27/06/2020 18:46

On a deeper level, when you look at your DH's insistence and approval and MiL and BiL's disapproval, rejection, ingratitude and demands, I'm wondering whether the family you've married into is conspiring to set you up to fail...

Clucket87 · 27/06/2020 18:51

I’d take it back and keep the money yourself! How completely ungrateful.
His parents should have taught him to have more respect when he has received a gift!
I would be fuming if my in laws did this but also I would not be spending £100 on a gift for my brother in law.

Runnerduck34 · 27/06/2020 18:54

Normally id say its ride to ask for cash instead,but he is 21, quite probably skint so on this occasion i would suck it up as the money maybe more useful to him. However in future id stick to gifts cards or money or let dh sort present. It is annoying when you've out a lot of effort into choosing something and he could have asked a bit more humbly/gratefully but he has obviously asked his mum to sort it put for him.

randolph78 · 27/06/2020 18:55

OP gave him a gift receipt and has said she wants him to have something he likes but doesn’t like the way he has gone about things

That's not what the OP says. It seems to object to him wanting to return the item per se not the indirect way he's done it. Why add the details about 'OH agreeing it was lovely' if that's not the issue?

randolph78 · 27/06/2020 18:56

Also, re: wanting cash - Selfridges is not a classic young person shop is it? not where you'd have chosen a gift card for surely, so again if you actually want him to have something nice what is the problem?

healththrowawayx · 27/06/2020 19:08

@randolph78

Also, re: wanting cash - Selfridges is not a classic young person shop is it? not where you'd have chosen a gift card for surely, so again if you actually want him to have something nice what is the problem?
Wtf? Have you been to Selfridges?

Of course us 21 year olds shop at Selfridges. Not everything they sell is high end designer. They stock products at all price points, inc high street brands like TOPSHOP/TOPMAN, Primark, Nike etc. They stock beauty products like fragrance, makeup, skincare, hair care etc at the same price that competitors would. They also stock lots of exclusive brands too.

As far as department stores go, Selfridges is one of the most aspirational/prestigious. It’s not Debenhams.

TypingoftheDead · 27/06/2020 19:12

I can see both sides - I think buying clothes as a surprise gift for other people is really hit and miss (I usually dread getting clothes as gifts as they’re often either wrong size or not my style) but at the same time him giving it back asking for money (when he’s already well off from the sound of it) seems rude.
It was a nice gesture on your part, though.

SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow · 27/06/2020 19:14

I can see both sides - I think buying clothes as a surprise gift for other people is really hit and miss (I usually dread getting clothes as gifts as they’re often either wrong size or not my style)

But if you were given a gift card then surely there is no reason to complain to the giver

Livandme · 27/06/2020 19:14

This is something my ex mil would have done.
In fact she did something very similar.

I'd pass the buck back to your dh and get him to deal with it.

skodadoda · 27/06/2020 19:18

Take it back and give £50 cash
Give the £50 to MIL to give to BIL

TacosTuesday · 27/06/2020 19:18

It's rude the ways he's gone about it though not unreasonable to not like it. He could have said 'thanks SIL, it doesn't fit' and exchanged it. Asking for the £££ is definitely rude. I'd return it and give whatever cash amount you think appropriate. Personally for me it would be a much lower cash amount e.g £25 in a card with some beer.

TacosTuesday · 27/06/2020 19:22

I think in this situation you have to show him what's acceptable e.g ok here's a much lower cash value. Next time he'll then think twice, say thanks and exchange quietly. The worst thing you can do is give him the exact cash amount and then seethe quietly forever! Also he'll then expect that level of gift. Set the precedent on cash at a much lower level, and at what you are comfortable at.

Happynow001 · 27/06/2020 19:29

@Thehop

“Oh sorry you didn’t like it. I lost the original receipt so I got myself a top I liked. Don’t worry, your brother is sorting your present out from us both. Hope you had a lovely day”
I really like this one. This way @Jamielynn gets something nice for HER money, BIL doesn't get HER cash and DH - the instigator- has to sort this out. Poetic justice all round!
Happynow001 · 27/06/2020 19:34

@Silversurfie

Might be just me, but I think buying clothes for any adult unless they have indicated a specific item, is a bit odd. How do you know what a young male 21 year old likes? My ex MIL was forever buying me posh label items of clothing as presents - none of which ever suited me and none of which I ever wore. Yes, I smiled sweetly and said thank you and then shoved them in the back of the wardrobe ....but I wasn’t 21. He would have preferred the money or a gift voucher I bet.
Actually a gift card is what OP wanted to buy.

I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Original poster
Jamielynn · 27/06/2020 19:37

Why do so many people comment without having actually read the thread? @randolph78 DH agreed that it was the type of thing his brother would wear - he obviously knows him very well. My point was I didn’t pick out something completely random and hope for the best, I went with what I thought was his style. And as I’ve mentioned loads of times, he could have exchanged it or asked me politely himself to get a gift card instead. Plenty of 21 year olds shop at Selfridges 🙄

OP posts:
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