To be annoyed at this gift request

[Jamielynn]

Hi everyone! Just wanted some opinions whether I was being sensitive here and overreacting about a situation that’s happened recently.

I bought my youngest brother in law a birthday gift from Selfridges from a brand I’ve seen him wear a lot. Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself. I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Now.. brother in law wants me to return the gift and give him money instead. He didn’t tell me directly but MIL told me that he doesn’t like it and would prefer if I returned it and gave him money instead.

Am I right to be a bit annoyed at this or am I being unreasonable?

@randolph78 God, you must be embarrassed - that link isn’t for the Selfridges in question.

I assume you’re not actually 21, if you were you’d know that we do shop there. Why are you trying to speak on behalf of my age peers if you’re not even part of our peer group?

What’s your angle here? Selfridges is certainly “cool” enough for young people. 21 year olds have jobs and can treat themselves with a splurge purchase, especially as they stock brands at all price points. As someone that’s actually part of said demographic, I think a Selfridges gift card is a great gift, especially as OP knows he shops there.

Have you decided what to do OP? @Jamielynn

My do doesn't ever send so much as a card for any family birthdays or Christmas. That includes me.

I swear if I didn't get our children gifts they probably wouldn't get gifts either

I think what he's done is really rude and offensive. At least he could have used the gift receipt and exchanged it for something he would prefer.
Has mil passed comment?
I'd tell dh he buys his family gifts and you sort our gifts for your side. He can't foist a task like this in you just because you are married. Stand your ground-a firm no!

Hold on, forget the BIL issue. PIL didn’t give you a wedding present but gave your ‘D’H money, on the quiet, for your honeymoon? But you weren’t told about this? By either PIL or ‘D’H. Either PIL don’t trust you or H doesn’t want you to have access to the money. If it’s the second, you haven’t been able to thank PIL. Either way, I certainly don’t think they think of you as family 🥀

I’d just say NO

@healththrowawayx

Oh yeah, it's mss selfridges - d'oh!! I am not 21 but I thought it was more a place where I would shop (late 40's). I don't think it's hugely relevant where you shop as you are just one 21 year old. That was a minor point though. For me the main thing is that presents are supposed to be what people want so if they're not but the person is not allowed to ask to swop them then what's the point?

[quote randolph78]@healththrowawayx

Oh yeah, it's mss selfridges - d'oh!! I am not 21 but I thought it was more a place where I would shop (late 40's). I don't think it's hugely relevant where you shop as you are just one 21 year old. That was a minor point though. For me the main thing is that presents are supposed to be what people want so if they're not but the person is not allowed to ask to swop them then what's the point?[/quote]
You’ve never heard of Selfridges?

With £100 anyone will find something in Selfridges to suit their tastes.

A person who is into designer brands will most certainly make use of a £100 Selfridges voucher.

I don't get why you needed to buy a separate present ...? And if asked to buy my bil a gift from me...I would probably buy towels! Or something else ..random boring..I wouldn't particularly care if he wanted to return it..and have money instead...I just would learn from it and not bother with any more gifts for him..Why do you care anyway..? It's your bil..??

@randolph78 Yes but I have lots of friends my age and use social media, so I’m aware of what people my age generally like, just like you are with your peers - Selfridges is popular.

I agree he shouldn’t be stuck with something he doesn’t want but his delivery was poor, he could have been more tactful/sensitive? Asking for the money instead is a bit grabby.

"You’ve never heard of Selfridges?"

Yes - I wasn't being sarky. I was laughing at my stupidity. I'd not buy a Selfridges vouchers for a young person, but each to their own.

@healththrowawayx I think we agree then? The present should be something he likes. I don't think asking for money is grabby if that's what he likes right now but yes, OP should perhaps talk to him about his delivery so he can learn to be both more grateful and more tactful.

Have you got the receipt? Give that to him and let him exchange it himself. No way I'd go out of my way to change it , especially as imo , he is cheeky to ask for money ....he should have just been honest and politely said "I'm really sorry sis, I appreciate your effort, but this is just not to my taste did you keep the receipt ?"

Personally I’d always give money or a gift card at that age.
Unless you know of some specific item they want, it’s just too easy to get it wrong.
Yes, it’s rude and ungrateful, but in the circs. I think I’d return it and give him the money - at least that way it’s not wasted.

Buying other people clothes is never a good idea. He's young and they are swayed by all sorts of influences in terms of fashion and culture. In your head it was right up his street but you are not him. Give him the cash and let him choose his own clothes.

Very rude and badly handled by their side of the family.....youve already been thoughtful by including a gift receipt....

Perhaps take this as lesson learned about this family.... They're showing you who they are... (money grabbing /entitled)....

Make this your last /only present to bil - it's his BIG 21st.... After you just stop.... Simples... Or get something low value like a CD or something!

Look up wife work.....

Spend £100 in an IL gift and have all this hassle running around for an ungrateful shit, changing it to suit their whims - just no!

Leave buying IL gifts up to your husband, after all he certainly won’t be organising gifts for your parents or siblings will he. Ditto cards, it’s a lifetime of unthanked-for wifework otherwise.

£100 sets a high bar for a gift - you don’t want to think his rellies will expect such costly stuff from you, when you’ll get back a small box of chocs or a Boot’s bubble- bath gift set, or nothing at all.

When you are on maternity leave, paying for child-care, on part-time salary, you’ll resent that you’re now expected to buy them costly gifts out of your reduced income, but drag a toddler round the shops in your free time to buy the stuff, so stop now.

To be fair we're in the middle of a pandemic. If he's that desperate he needs to exchange it himself, you don't wanna be making another trip out

Why did you spend around double the mount, that your husband spent, on his own brother?

You haven't said whether you're going to get your husband to sort out his family's presents in the future.

I always give gift vouchers, such a waste of time and money when you take the time choosing something for it not to be used/liked. Would you rather the £100 was wasted by him not using it or saying anything? Send the iten back, don'y let ot hurt your feelings, chalk it up to a lesson learnt

You asked if this is a red flag about his family? Perhaps, yes.

As for the amount you spent, I really don’t get why you spent more on your bil than your dh did on his own brother... especially when they as a family don’t give to you.

Be careful, you are setting up a big expectation of one way present traffic. There are threads upon threads from ops, whose families don’t reciprocate on the present giving and become vile when the ops stop giving presents. You are setting up this dynamic right now.

I presume you’ve done nothing. I would definitely stand your ground and respond you offered a gift receipt and he has options. If anything else comes back I’d go with the line you are disappointed by his reaction at your generosity and won’t be changing the gift for cash.

I’d return it, give him the cash and in future, tell your DH to buy future birthday gifts from you jointly to BIL and use this example as when you put in thought and effort, it was not appreciated. Don’t let this new tradition go on,nip it in the bud now.

21 year olds can be crass and immature. I'd worry less about this and more about my 'd' h and his attitude towards me. He shouldn't be insisting you buy expensive presents for his family and he shouldn't be hiding money from you or lying (if the ILs did not give you money for your honeymoon).
Be careful here - you don't want to end up skint and on mat leave, financing 50% of the bills and childcare costs, whole having a reduced income and a husband whose money is separate and unaffected by having a family.

I'd be asking a lot more questions about our joint finances if I were you!

Tell mil that you can't return for cash either so if bil wants to exchange it he is welcome to but you are not doing the legwork.

I always give gift vouchers, such a waste of time and money when you take the time choosing something for it not to be used/liked. Would you rather the £100 was wasted by him not using it or saying anything?

I see your logic. I would give cash or a gift voucher if I really didn’t know what to buy but generally I try to choose a gift as it’s more personal. In any event OP gave him a gift receipt so he could have chosen something he would like without wasting the £100 or being rude.

@Motoko
I had originally picked out a less expensive branded polo shirt but DH said it wasn’t “special enough” for his 21st

He will definitely be buying all gifts for his family going forward and stick my name on too

@Needtolovemyself I haven’t done anything about it yet. Tempted to spoil myself instead though!