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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this gift request

353 replies

Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 18:50

Hi everyone! Just wanted some opinions whether I was being sensitive here and overreacting about a situation that’s happened recently.

I bought my youngest brother in law a birthday gift from Selfridges from a brand I’ve seen him wear a lot. Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself. I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Now.. brother in law wants me to return the gift and give him money instead. He didn’t tell me directly but MIL told me that he doesn’t like it and would prefer if I returned it and gave him money instead.

Am I right to be a bit annoyed at this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Beni1993 · 27/06/2020 08:53

Well Grin trying to buy a 21 year old clothing was a bold move...
I imagine it's just something he would never wear, and would rather have the money than either throw it away/leave it stashed away for years.

That being said, you are not being unreasonable. I would be livid Grin no more presents from me.

Isthisnothing · 27/06/2020 09:10

The whole lot of them sound rude as hell. I would just say to the mother "lesson learned, I will leave the present buying to DH from now on".

I'd take the present back and buy myself something.

I would not refuse to give the money but I would not be forthcoming - I would let him ask again himself and then say "oh yes... Money... What have I got in my wallet here... 40... There you are..." It will feel awkward for him because it is.

SummerWhisper · 27/06/2020 09:17

"BIL shouldn’t be expected to get me a wedding gift." Your DH is complicit in how they undervalue you.

Your focus has been on BIL's behaviour, rather than DH, BIL and MIL's attitude towards you, which is awful. You are lesser than them.

You really must take steps to assert yourself as equal and you have been given lots of great ideas.

I suggest that you give the receipt to DH and tell him to deal with it. Refuse to engage any further. Stand your ground. Show them your worth. You have been minimising how they are already treating you. Imagine your mother and sibling treating DH like this. Your DH should be mortified, not siding with them and facilitating their treatment of you.

Annasgirl · 27/06/2020 09:24

Hi OP. I agree with SummerWhisper - you have a DH problem. You need to assert yourself now and do not have DC with this man until he proves he has changed.

The BIL is rude and entitled but unfortunately I think your DH is as rude as his brother and his mother.

Motoko · 27/06/2020 09:39

OP, as others have said, whether your BIL was rude or not is not really the main issue. The fact that your husband put pressure on you to buy his brother a gift and then insist that a gift card was not good enough is the problem.

This^

Also, when people get married, they become one unit, so gifts are bought jointly. You've done it arse over tit. There's no need to spend so much either.

Going forward, your husband does the buying of gifts and cards for his family (but given jointly), and vice versa.

I wonder what else your husband "insists" on. You don't have to go along with something, just because he "insists". He's not showing you any respect here.

saraclara · 27/06/2020 09:49

I would say that is almost certainly MIL who's behind it, and who suggested this approach to you. So I wouldn't necessarily blame him if you normally have a really good relationship with him.

But yep, telling him you've lost the receipt, that you'll use the gift receipt to get something you need, and that DH will sort out a replacement gift, is probably the best way to go.

KarmaStar · 27/06/2020 10:30

Hi op I think he is immature and hasn't thought of your feelings .I don't think he was being hurtful on purpose but maybe one of his parents could have stepped in and have him speak to you directly and to word his request in a nicer way.he sounds a very young adult make imho

Livingoncake · 27/06/2020 11:40

My take? BIL is MIL's precious boy, and MIL pressured DH to give her precious boy an expensive gift from each of you, which is why your husband was so insistent on this. The lot of them sound like twats. You are planning to let your DH know that this is the last time you'll be treated like this, right?

Binglebong · 27/06/2020 11:57

Unless you paid cash giving the original receipt away won't work - it has to be paid back to the card it was bought from.

Just had the top and gift receipt back and say you've lost the original. He can do the donkey work. And tell your DH that this proves you should only buy for your own family.

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 27/06/2020 12:53

I would not speak to him again! I'd go totally NC and leave him to sell the item himself. Cheeky fucker.

I've reached a point in my life where I've realised the key to happiness is to cut out anyone who is rude or behaves in a way that makes me miserable/unhappy/upset.

It's bliss!

heartsonacake · 27/06/2020 13:26

I would not speak to him again! I'd go totally NC and leave him to sell the item himself. Cheeky fucker.

Dougalthesyrianhamster He’s the one who’d have a lucky escape.

I can’t believe you’d cut someone off because you chose a poor gift for them and they’d rather have something they like.

You know gift giving is about the receiver, right? You don’t give gifts so you can feel good about yourself.

OwlDoll · 27/06/2020 13:27

Has your DH insisted on buying a separate gift for your brother or sister since you got married OP?

butterry · 27/06/2020 13:37

If you were happy spending £100 on a gift for his 21st birthday then it’s better it is something he wants and has use for. No point him keeping clothing he won’t wear, what a waste! However the way he has gone about it is very rude. He should have spoken to you directly instead of passing the buck to his mother to ask you. He has taken it as a given that you will do what he wants and give him the cash by giving you the clothing. If he had any manners he would have asked if it was okay with you first before handing anything back. It isn’t difficult - ‘I’m really grateful that you bought me this for my birthday but I don’t think I would wear it much, would you mind if I exchanged it for something else or have the cash you spent on it to buy something else I had my eye on?’ His entitledness would make me think twice about doing anything nice in the future

birdwatching · 27/06/2020 13:54

Tbh, the whole family sound awful. Spoilt rotten and ungrateful BIL, interfering MIL, your DH's attitude in this whole saga is unacceptable too.

not sure what to suggest really - I would probably tell them you will not partake in this whole gifting shit anymore and stay out of it. Sounds excessive anyways and I hate gifting just for the sake of it or just because it is the pressure of what is being expected. Just butt out of this .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/06/2020 14:04

Hes 21, theyre not exactly known for being grateful , nor having much tact when it comes to getting gifts

Nobody suggested he should have prepared a lengthy speech or a letter written in blood on vellum ... just a quick "thanks, aunty" or even a text would have done, and then he could have got on with exchanging the gift himself

Strange, isn't it, how they're adults one moment, then just kids who can't be expected to know any better the next, according to what suits?

randolph78 · 27/06/2020 14:16

I thought the whole point of a gift was that you wanted the person to have something nice? He doesn't seem to think this is nice but you want him to keep it anyway/ give it away? So then you don't care about him having something nice? So why get him a gift in the first place? I'm bemused!

I think he's old enough to talk to you himself but other than that I can't see the problem.

StrawberryPea · 27/06/2020 14:25

This isn't a hill I'd choose to die on but I can see why it feels like a big slap in the face.

I'd simply hand the receipt over for him to exchange it himself, and I'd be remembering this next time his birthday comes around.

SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow · 27/06/2020 14:27

I thought the whole point of a gift was that you wanted the person to have something nice? He doesn't seem to think this is nice but you want him to keep it anyway/ give it away?

OP gave him a gift receipt and has said she wants him to have something he likes but doesn’t like the way he has gone about things

Nobody suggested he should have prepared a lengthy speech or a letter written in blood on vellum ... just a quick "thanks, aunty" or even a text would have done, and then he could have got on with exchanging the gift himself

I’m think OP is his SIL Grin but otherwise I completely agree with you

NataliaOsipova · 27/06/2020 14:32

It’s quite one thing to use the gift receipt towards something else but to demand you provide a cash alternative is outrageous.

I agree. Tell him you’ve lost the receipt. I’d take the gift back, get the cash back and then never mention it again. That’s the point of a gift receipt - you’re essentially saying “hope you like this, but feel free to swap for something else if not”. To come back for cash is just awful.

NearlyGranny · 27/06/2020 14:34

If he'd got in touch with you himself and started with a heartfelt thank you for your generosity, I'd say do as he asks. Since he sent the unwanted gift back via his mum without a word except a request for cash, I wouldn't.

I'd be inclined to swap for a voucher and keep it to spend on myself. Next year, just have your DH put your name on the card and gift he pays for and sends. Lesson learned.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 27/06/2020 14:42

I’d take it back and give him like £30

NearlyGranny · 27/06/2020 14:45

Lynx gift set indeed! Yes, for Christmas and every future birthday, artistically distressed, wrapped in recycled gift paper with old sellotape still attached. If asked to exchange, sorry, you won it at the pub raffle.

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 27/06/2020 14:46

@heartsonacake You don’t give gifts so you can feel good about yourself.

Yeah you keep saying that over & over but at no point have I nor OP said nor implied that either of us give to feel good about ourselves?!

Not sure where you've got that but from. Projecting are we?

frazzledasarock · 27/06/2020 14:49

@StrawberryPea

This isn't a hill I'd choose to die on but I can see why it feels like a big slap in the face.

I'd simply hand the receipt over for him to exchange it himself, and I'd be remembering this next time his birthday comes around.

There’s a gift receipt with the gift. He wants cash.
MummyMayo1988 · 27/06/2020 17:49

Tell him you lost the reciept. Ungrateful sod!