To not want to always take my sisters child out with us?

[forfoxsakee]

I arranged to meet my mum today to go for a walk around Matlock bath and have an ice cream and some fish and chips in the gardens as it's my day off from work.This morning my sister also appeared at her house with my two year old niece before we left and it turns out she had rang her and arranged for us to take my niece with us as well. We've just got back and tbh it wasn't enjoyable it was a bit of a nightmare trailing a buggy and a child in this heat, she was hot and there were no toilets and she is only just potty trained. My mum has form for this and has done it before when we have arranged to go out together and we have ended up going round a farm park or other despite the fact that I have no children on my own yet. I love my niece to bits but aibu to want to be consulted first as it changes the whole dynamic of the day and sometimes I just want to spend time with my mum and have an adult day to be honest. I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case as I spend plenty of time with my sister and niece. It's not for childcare either as my sister is at home today.

Yanbu it changes yeh whole dynamic of the day. I have children and I met my friends for a walk without the kids today and it was lovely! You are allowed to have some adult time. It’s probably to give your sister a break but that’s not really your job- what about the child’s dad?

Seems odd - Are you sure that your mum didn't ASK sister to drop baby off? Maybe she enjoys the day out more with a toddler to focus on? Your mum certainly seems to approve of the situation. It may well be at her request.

have a similar problem but it's the opposite to you. would love to spend then with my sister and her kids however she insists in inviting my mother with us everywhere. i didnt have a great relationship with my mother and try not to spend time with her even with other people. as don't want to ruin time with them either. tried explaining to my sister however it goes over her head so unfortunately it means I don't get to spend time with my sister or her kids much. my mother being there Changes the dynamics

YANBU, I’m child free & my sister would always ask if I mind my niece tagging along & appreciate my honesty if i said no. Just be honest with your mum & sister. It’s your day off, your mum is being disrespectful to you & not appreciating that your downtime is precious.

It's irrelevant whether you like children or not and your mother is just using that line as emotional blackmail, so tell her so and tell her that in future you expect to be consulted as it is up to you how you spend your days off not up to her.

Remind her that you love your niece (as she well knows) and that line will not work with you in future.

Play her at her own game and say: well actually I'm starting to think that you don't want to spend any time with me on your own because apparently you're not capable of spending any time with me without your mini chaperone.... how do you think that makes me feel?

I would also speak to your sister and ask why every time you plan a day out with mum on your own she sends your niece over and if she also accuses you of XYZ just repeat the above and say you're more than happy to spend time with your niece, the issue here is why is why you are seemingly not allowed any time with mum by yourself.

They're both being selfish.

I think you need to be clear and firm with your mum here.
Can you say that you want to spend time with her and if your niece is coming too she needs to ask in advance if this is ok with you and to accept that sometimes it won’t be.
If she is saying “don’t you like children?” to you then you need to tell her she is missing the point. Liking children doesn’t not mean that you always want to have your niece accompany you. You could equally only want to see your niece when her mum is there too yet still like children!
You could also say to your mum do you only want to see me if my niece is there too?
Your mum is being manipulative here. When you talk honestly about this with her you will find out if her Manipulative behaviour is deliberate or accidental.

Next time she pulled the guilt lever and says she'll just go on the bus with the child instead, let her. Just say OK and let her.

You'll only have to do it once, I guarantee. Tell her to call when she wants to go out with just you, two adults doing adult things that would bore a child.

And plan a day out with the little one and the two of you, too. Days out with toddlers need to be planned. Put yourself in the driver's seat and don't spring any surprises, but don't tolerate any, either.

I think I'm going to step back as she is entirely consumed by my sister and niece I have realised tonight. I gave her a lift to the supermarket today and when we got back she suggested a takeaway so I said ok I'll drive to the Nando's in the city centre for a takeaway and bring it back. As I was ordering she then said I feel bad that sister is left out can you get her something and take it round to her house please so she isn't left out. Ffs she is a 29 year old woman!

I trust you refused ... ?

Would she ask the same of DS if you were not with them and they were getting takeaway?

You need to be honest with your mum.
Tell her you want adult only time with her,
That she never thinks you need adult time with your mum and that she is spoiling your relationship as mother daughter, to the point your not going to bother.

That's so rude! Next time don't bring a car seat, and try and make it clear you want alone time with your mum? Frustrating.

Ffs OP, I think giving up might be your only option.

Yep, your mum is only capable of thinking about the mother of her granddaughter. I doubt very much that you get the same consideration when the two of them do stuff together. Your sister can do the taxi duties for your mum from now on then. I'd back right off for now. See how long it takes for your mum to get in touch with you, and then when she does, see if it's because she wants to see you or because you're useful to her. I'm so sorry she's treating you so badly, it feels utterly shit to be treated this way.

She rang her anyway and so I just said oh Nando's aren't taking any more orders and went to McDonald's instead.

My stock phrase, when anyone mistakes me for a childminder is: ‘In an emergency I’ll happily look after anyone’s child, but if I wanted to be a nanny I’d train as one.’ Seems to strike a balance between being helpful and not being treated as some sort of nanny McPhee.

I too would be unimpressed to have a potty-training toddler foisted onto me on a scorching heat when it’s my day off.

I do think though it’s not unusual for grannies to be totally besotted with their grandchildren, and perhaps somewhat blinded as a result. Worse ‘baby bores’ than the parents with endless photos and monologue about the latest achievement. Also not unusual for the mother-daughter relationship between granny and mother of child to be very close with tiny grandchild on the scene. Partly because nobody else can talk for 12 hrs solid about weaning.

I don’t think this necessarily means that your Mum is uninterested in you. Or that she loves you any less. I say that as someone who has been the auntie-that’s-not-wild-about-children who gets the sticky child plonked on their lap. It does hurt as it feels like a right royal ditching, but I know, having now had my own child, that it’s not that she didn’t love me, she was literally bowled over with the baby and wanted to see it at every. single. available. opportunity.

I think people telling you to cut her off is a bit hasty. You clearly love your mum and want her company. I bet she feels the same under all the baby obsessing.

I would phone her up and tell her you love seeing the neice but find it draining after a week at work so you’d like some input on when you help with childcare. And also that you were looking forward to catching up with her for a relaxing day because you miss her lately and that is difficult with a toddler around.

She might mistakenly be thinking that you will bond with the two year old over a day out in the blistering heat with a buggy and a potty in tow.... But you can set her straight on that one!!

Most of all — call your sister and explain. Between you, you can manage your mum. Tell her you are happy to help out when she is stuck, but that would appreciate not having whole days babysitting forced on you. Promise to return the favour when you have your kids and she is the one eagerly anticipating a spa day only to end up crawling around soft play!

Good luck.

Just fire off a text to your Mum saying 'next time we arrange a day out I would appreciate if it was just us. I love niece to bits and will happily see her when I visit but on days out I expect it to be just us. I understand you love niece and want to take her out and you can do that as much as you like but I would like to see you on your own as I feel our relationship needs one on one time and should be separate from my relationship with niece and this refusal to see me without her is beginning to cause resentment which is the last thing I want.'

But to be honest I would be more blunt and just say if you can't see me without niece then don't ask to see me again.

This is when you really appreciate children’s honesty.

I’d be blunt ‘have you already asked DN to come because I won’t tag along and spoil your fun with her’

If she say ‘yes’ just reply oh I’ll see you next week then.

Just don't go out next time she does it, say that you did ask her, and she did not listen, and try not to make too much of a fuss in front of the kid , give her some change to spend on sweets or sweets or something . Drive her where she needs to go then go out yourself x

Does your nandos deliver? Our local one does via deliveroo.

It's ok to say to your mum that you are too tired to be running around after your sister. You need time to rest and relax too.

OP I agree, I love children but also love some adult only time. You say you are not close with your sister, this is an opportunity to become close. Call her and arrange to go round. Spend quality time with your sister and niece. Then next time you see your mum say I saw niece on this day and had a great time! Would you like to come round for dinner and a movie? (Or something).
But I would urge you to build up a relationship with your sister.

Oh, I don't blame you for taking a step back. Sounds like your being used as a taxi tbh. Maybe sister has had enough of driving your mum and her daughter for trips, and your now the go too.

Don't feel bad at all, just be honest, she probably won't even see how her behaviour is wrong and hurts you at first, but stand your ground x

I have kids & nieces/nephews but that would really annoy me - you're not in the least unreasonable to want some adult time with your mum every now & then!! Especially on your day off - you had a crap day & your sister had a lovely child-free rest at your expense!

My SIL & BIL had similar form when all our kids were younger & my MIL let them get away with it - it still annoys me now when I think of it!!

We didn't live nearby so whenever we got together it was always us making the effort anyway but then every single visit our son never got any 1 on 1 attention or time with his grandparents as SIL & BIL would always dump their 3...yes, 3...children on us & sod off to so-say run errands etc (have a lush rest or go out for lunch or shopping!) They used the 'oh it's lovely for the cousins to play together' excuse - yes it was, had no issue with that, but would have been nice if (a) they stayed & hang out with us too & (b) it wasn't every single bl00dy time! Their kids were really hard work so it was no joy for us half the time & they were so used to having the grandparents to themselves that they monopolized them completely & our son would end up being overlooked - especially as they were always allowed to choose what to do or where to go.

We brought it up countless times but MIL couldn't stand up to them. We actually stopped visiting regularly for a good few years & started insisting they came to us.

Seems a bit of a prodigal son set up from what you've said. Your mum is taking you for granted as you've always been close, and is going all out to impress your sister, at your expense. I agree with backing off and focusing on your own life. She might then realise that she has to treat you with some consideration too.

@MissingMargherita

I'm afraid I wouldn't come if my 2yr old wasn't welcome. My girls go everywhere with me, and I love having them around. Totally understand that you don't, but it would be a deal breaker for me. Days without my children are for going to a grown up evening out or a spa day, or something adult, not a trip to the seaside. Sorry!

The child's mother didn't go! And they didn't go to the seaside. Matlock Bath is inland.