To not want to always take my sisters child out with us?

[forfoxsakee]

I arranged to meet my mum today to go for a walk around Matlock bath and have an ice cream and some fish and chips in the gardens as it's my day off from work.This morning my sister also appeared at her house with my two year old niece before we left and it turns out she had rang her and arranged for us to take my niece with us as well. We've just got back and tbh it wasn't enjoyable it was a bit of a nightmare trailing a buggy and a child in this heat, she was hot and there were no toilets and she is only just potty trained. My mum has form for this and has done it before when we have arranged to go out together and we have ended up going round a farm park or other despite the fact that I have no children on my own yet. I love my niece to bits but aibu to want to be consulted first as it changes the whole dynamic of the day and sometimes I just want to spend time with my mum and have an adult day to be honest. I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case as I spend plenty of time with my sister and niece. It's not for childcare either as my sister is at home today.

Yanbu and that is a bit shit of your mum tbh. And its manipulative of her to say you dont like kids because you want a child free day. Do something with a friend next time or solo.

@Gogogadgetarms

so I suppose it may come under the support bubble? I don't know but anyway the thread isn't about that, please don't derail it

No it doesn’t, but don’t let that concern you OP, it’s only a global pandemic. Continue on discussing how selfish your Mum is.

You're being ridiculous, @Gogogadgetarms. OP only intended seeing her mother. The two of them can bubble, as OP is single.

OP arrived to find the niece there. It wasn't her doing. Lighten up ffs.

So your mum told your sister & your sister asked your mum to take your niece?

Do you think that your mum drives it or your sister?

It's hard not to come across as seeming jealous of a toddler, isn't it?

No I think my mum rang my sister and asked if they wanted to come and my sister said she didn't so my mum said ok I'll just take niece then.

@Gogogadgetarms, you need to get that stick out of your arse before it does some damage. If you have nothing helpful to contribute to the thread, maybe you should toddle off elsewhere and try and upset some other people?

ask her why she doesn’t want to spend any time one on one with you. Tbh I'd lead with this. I'm assuming the 2 yo keeps you from discussing anything heavy or important too

@Gogogadgetarms
No it doesn’t, but don’t let that concern you OP, it’s only a global pandemic. Continue on discussing how selfish your Mum is
Nasty spiteful comment.
I'm with the others here op, I think that your mother is using you for your car. Maybe now you've realised that she's manipulative perhaps you can take steps to distance yourself from her

She said earlier that my niece can tell I don't like her

Eerily, my DM has also said this to my sister about our niece.

But guilt tripping, emotion based manipulation, and playing one of her children off against one or both the others were absolute cornerstones of her parenting style.

@Gogogadgetarms

so I suppose it may come under the support bubble? I don't know but anyway the thread isn't about that, please don't derail it

No it doesn’t, but don’t let that concern you OP, it’s only a global pandemic. Continue on discussing how selfish your Mum is.

There's plenty of other threads to lay down the law about social distancing and households. OP wasn't trying to mix 3 households in the first place.

You shouldn't have your trip out hijacked like that and Matlock Bath while very charming is not toddler friendly at the moment.

If your DM has a history of overriding your interests in favour of your DSis's, then that will undermine the quality of the relationship.

@forfoxsakee

No my sister doesn't hardly ever come. If I mention it my mum just says well me and niece will just go on a bus somewhere together then and that makes me feel guilty.

LET HER!

Stop feeling guilty! She’s not bothered about your boundaries so stop worrying about hers

@forfoxsakee

No I think my mum rang my sister and asked if they wanted to come and my sister said she didn't so my mum said ok I'll just take niece then.

Before your niece was born, would she have included your sister?

I don't think that your mum comes across well though-accusing you of not liking kids/your own niece!

My mum went a bit daft-couldn't quite seem to grasp that not everyone else was completely besotted by her GC!

@forfoxsakee, your Mum is being unfair to you, and yes, she is using you as transport. You're going to have to call her bluff.

The advice from calmcoolandcollected and MulticolourMophead seems to me to be the best way to approach it:

"I would call before leaving and ask if niece is going to be there. If yes, I would say I will leave you to have a splendid day with niece."

"And then if she says no, but niece is there when you arrive, clear off and leave her to it."

You may have to do this several times. But if you don't, you're stuck with this behaviour from her and your growing resentment.

Look, just tell your mum that you want to spend adult time with her, and her alone. If she tries to twist it to you not liking children just calmly say kids are fine but I want to spend time with YOU alone. Just keep saying it.

I hope you manage to get through.

YANBU

The only way to change this is to show your mum that you won’t be taken advantage of. If she tries to guilt trip you with comments about the bus, fight her passive aggressiveness with sarcasm “Yes I suppose you will have to take the bus. Have a lovely time.”

I had this as an older teenager. My older brother had his children 10 years before me and it was amazing watching both grandmas fall over themselves. Funnily enough though I was always expected to give up my free time (full time working teen, also doing pt ALevels) to help on trips out, popping out for to the shops, babysitting, very rarely did I have 1-2-1 child free time with my own mum as my nieces were pretty much always present.

The one good thing about them now being older is that they want be out, both parent and grandparent free. To be honest I always thought that it was a bit of a pee-take, but when I met my (now) DH and saw how his family were re: grandchildren I realised that my mum was tame in comparison!!

Everything my MIL arranges with us pretty much has to include one specific grandchild and any queries are met with an earnest speech re: ‘facilitating a good relationship between cousins’.

Stop having a pop at @MissingMargherita - she said pages ago that she misread the OP! As the saying goes RTFT!

I would tell your sister to fuck off out of it

If she rings your sister again could she just say to mum. No don't take neice, have a nice day out with forfoxsakee and pop in for tea on your way back.

I'm with the others here op, I think that your mother is using you for your car

Ditto
What beats me, since your sister also drives, is why she can't just do these "days out" with her

@MissingMargherita

I'm afraid I wouldn't come if my 2yr old wasn't welcome. My girls go everywhere with me, and I love having them around. Totally understand that you don't, but it would be a deal breaker for me. Days without my children are for going to a grown up evening out or a spa day, or something adult, not a trip to the seaside. Sorry!

You might love your girls going everywhere with you but that doesn’t mean a relative necessarily would all the time.

That’s really sad. It doesn’t sound like your mum would listen even if you said you’d like to see her on her own. My MIL is like this. We used to invite her down to see us on the weekends when we knew her boyfriend was working so she wasn’t on her own and bored. She asked if we didn’t like her boyfriend. She will never ever come without him.

I’d probably pick a really grown up activity and then on the way there change to something else. But it’s really sad that your mum always has to bring your niece.

@HappyHammy

If she rings your sister again could she just say to mum. No don't take neice, have a nice day out with forfoxsakee and pop in for tea on your way back.

It is probably too convenient an arrangement for the sister to think around it in this way.

Might need telling.

I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case

Plan a day. Be more firm that you want a grown up day. Call your sister and tell her the plan so she doesn't get dragged into it.

If your mum accuses you of not liking children well she is playing silly buggers to get her own way. Agree with it. "That's true mum. On my days off I definitely do not like children."

@AnneWeber

Your sister stole your day off for herself.

Ha ha this is so true

Nope, nope, nope! I have friends that have done this to me. I arrange a meet up for coffee and a girly chat. They then turn up with kids!. I don’t want to entertain someone’s little ones. I’ve had my children. Now I want child free outings. I tell them straight now. I say I want to meet up for adult conversation so if they can’t get a minder then we can rearrange. Make it clear to your mum and sister. Don’t be manipulated.