To not want to always take my sisters child out with us?

[forfoxsakee]

I arranged to meet my mum today to go for a walk around Matlock bath and have an ice cream and some fish and chips in the gardens as it's my day off from work.This morning my sister also appeared at her house with my two year old niece before we left and it turns out she had rang her and arranged for us to take my niece with us as well. We've just got back and tbh it wasn't enjoyable it was a bit of a nightmare trailing a buggy and a child in this heat, she was hot and there were no toilets and she is only just potty trained. My mum has form for this and has done it before when we have arranged to go out together and we have ended up going round a farm park or other despite the fact that I have no children on my own yet. I love my niece to bits but aibu to want to be consulted first as it changes the whole dynamic of the day and sometimes I just want to spend time with my mum and have an adult day to be honest. I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case as I spend plenty of time with my sister and niece. It's not for childcare either as my sister is at home today.

How does your mother think that inserting your niece into your day off with her, is in any way, shape or form, going to make you like your niece more? Some people are truly logic challenged.

Yeah I’d have a chat with your mum next time you speak to her. Tell her that you want to spend your days off child free and you’d have liked to have spent time with her, but she clearly doesn’t want to spend time with you.

If you don’t feel up to that, just consistently say no to niece coming. If they spring it on you again, just say no thanks and go home. Every time.

I can just see what will happen next time ...

"Oh, have you double-booked yourself as babysitter? Oh well, I'll leave you to it and see you another time."

"Please stay, I've already told dear niece that we'll go to the zoo / park / softplay [anywhere that involves a journey that cannot be done by bus] and I don't want to disappoint her."

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Adult time, with family and friends, especially your mother, is so important.

Some mothers just seem to assume everyone will want to be around their precious child at any given opportunity.

That isn’t true.

I think you should say to your mother “it was great to see you, but I felt we couldn’t catch up properly due to DN, when shall we go for a walk just the two of us?”

She said earlier that my niece can tell I don't like her.

You need to visit and play with your niece when you are both up for it, and have your own relationship outside of your mother's influence.

My brother who has no children always did this - he came played and fucked off again when he had enough - couldn't cope with the rough side of children, and who can blame him - they all have a good relationship now they are grown.

MissingMargherita I suggest you RTFT

No way are you unreasonable! You need to put your foot down on this one.

"Please stay, I've already told dear niece that we'll go to the zoo / park / softplay [anywhere that involves a journey that cannot be done by bus] and I don't want to disappoint her."

'Life's just so full of these little disappointments, isn't it Mother? You told me that we'd be doing X, just the two of us, not Y, with DN. Oh well. Sucks to be DN, and sucks to be me. However, I'm just going to hunker down, relax, and enjoy my day off on my own instead. Toodles.'

So what's your relationship with your sister like? Could you perhaps speak to your sister about it?

@skodadoda I suggest you do too. The OP clarified whilst I was posting, and we cross-posted. I already replied again, just below my original post.

The trouble is your mum has a full-on case of grandma-itis. The sparkling diamond in her life is this amazing wonderful toddler, and she wants to spend all her time and focus there. You’re just her daughter.

My mum gave a gushing goodbye and kisses to my toddler son who was in my arms and didn’t say goodbye to me at all. My dad’s dry “Goodbye to you too, Wendy” had us laughing at her. She was suitably embarrassed.

It took years to settle down, but mum was all about the grandchildren the second they arrived. She hadn’t expected to be. But they were the best things in her life and she could get a bit overboard.

I hope it settles down for you both soon. Having been separated during lockdown probably makes feelings heightened on her part and yours.

YANBU, and I’m sorry your day was spoilt.

Me and my sister get on ok but we aren't super close. We don't really very often see each other alone without our mum there.

Wendy I think you are right but if it carries on I think it's going to bite her on the bum if and when I ever have children as I'll probably think well you weren't interested in me before so why should I bother with you now just because I've got a baby.

Wow, how did the 3 of you manage to social distance in the car?

@MissingMargherita

I'm afraid I wouldn't come if my 2yr old wasn't welcome. My girls go everywhere with me, and I love having them around. Totally understand that you don't, but it would be a deal breaker for me. Days without my children are for going to a grown up evening out or a spa day, or something adult, not a trip to the seaside. Sorry!

You would turn down any invitation that didn't include your grand children? Because if not, that's not what op is talking about.

Yes v out of order.
I'd be pulling back.
She's making it clear you're bottom of the priority list.
Sorry

Just tell her 'Let's meet mum, but just you and me.'
And otherwise just suggest going somewhere very kid unfriendly ☺️.
But honesty is the best.

And do figure out if your mum is using you as a taxi BTW....

My mum has been working from home and hasn't really seen anybody and lives alone. My sister lives alone with just my niece and I live alone although I've been the only one working outside of the home so I suppose it may come under the support bubble? I don't know but anyway the thread isn't about that, please don't derail it.

Honestly I think you just need to have a very clear and honest conversation with your mum.

‘DM, I find it quite rude when I make plans with you but you then invite DN to join us without consulting me, it changes the dynamic of our time together. As I don’t have my own children yet, and work very hard, I am not wrong for wanting to unwind in a child free environment. If spending time alone with me is no longer enough for you and you are unable to enjoy my company without DN being present then we can stop making plans to meet.’

@calmcoolandcollected

I would call before leaving and ask if niece is going to be there. If yes, I would say I will leave you to have a splendid day with niece.

And then if she says no, but niece is there when you arrive, clear off and leave her to it.

@forfoxsakee

She said earlier that my niece can tell I don't like her. The more I think about it the more I see that I'm being manipulated. And apparently it's me that's the problem and not my niece.

I think you should step back from your mum. As others have said stick to phone calls and go out with your friends instead. If you want to see your niece then arrange it through your sister and then your mum can’t accuse you of disliking your niece. If your mum suggests a day out then make it clear that niece isn’t invited, if your mum kicks off then ask her why she doesn’t want to spend any time one on one with you.

@forfoxsakee

Me and my sister get on ok but we aren't super close. We don't really very often see each other alone without our mum there.

And I reckon that's because your mum may be behind the lack of closeness, given the manipulation your posts have so far revealed.

After seeing all those people on the beach, me going out with a couple of family members after being isolated since March hardly seems like crime of the century.

@MissingMargherita Sorry 😕