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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to always take my sisters child out with us?

239 replies

forfoxsakee · 26/06/2020 16:39

I arranged to meet my mum today to go for a walk around Matlock bath and have an ice cream and some fish and chips in the gardens as it's my day off from work.This morning my sister also appeared at her house with my two year old niece before we left and it turns out she had rang her and arranged for us to take my niece with us as well. We've just got back and tbh it wasn't enjoyable it was a bit of a nightmare trailing a buggy and a child in this heat, she was hot and there were no toilets and she is only just potty trained. My mum has form for this and has done it before when we have arranged to go out together and we have ended up going round a farm park or other despite the fact that I have no children on my own yet. I love my niece to bits but aibu to want to be consulted first as it changes the whole dynamic of the day and sometimes I just want to spend time with my mum and have an adult day to be honest. I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case as I spend plenty of time with my sister and niece. It's not for childcare either as my sister is at home today.

OP posts:
Reluctantcavedweller · 26/06/2020 20:28

Also my DSIS isn't particularly fond of DS and I don't hold that against her! She loves him as an auntie and gives nice presents, but she finds some of his habits, such as chewing people's shoes or jumping on their tummies, baffling. Also, his tantrums...She has no children of her own and gets embarrassed when the whole shopping centre or park is looking at us!

Giganticshark · 26/06/2020 20:28

Then OP should tell her mum this. Simple txt. Or just give up the relationship altogether. It's just such a non issue

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/06/2020 21:44

@EKGEMS

Missingmargheeita You're totally missing the ENTIRE point Mommy dearest didn't accompany the toddler so your argument is completely different like apples to oranges
@EKGEMS and others - @MissingMargherita has missed that bit, but came back and said that, as the sister wasn’t coming, the OP’s mum was being very unreasonable.
Joywillcomeagain · 26/06/2020 22:12

Obviously having a proper chat is the sensible and right thing to do but I did love the suggestion of taking out the car seat before you go. I enjoy the idea it would knock the wind right out of your mums sails. Maybe that would be a good way to bring up the sensible chat about double booking and giving you notice your expected to ferry them both about.

My mum and ex mil have severe grandma-itis. They are potty for my dd. I love my dd to pieces but even I don't get the obsession. They just have a one track mind and it makes them very rude. All other humans are invisible to them it feels like.

EKGEMS · 26/06/2020 22:45

SDT Fair point I missed the second post

LolaSmiles · 26/06/2020 22:53

Giganticshark
Are you for real? It's hard to tell if you're getting the furry hands out or are just genuinely unpleasant.

Daftodil · 26/06/2020 22:53

It is rude and does change the dynamic. It also assumes that you don't have anything going on in your life that you might want to talk to your mum about. What if you had a bad medical diagnosis? Were in an abusive relationship? Were being sexually harassed at work? How could you discuss any of these topics or anything else personal with a 2yo in the picture? Your mum bringing her granddaughter along completely shuts down any conversation you might want or need to have.

whiteroseredrose · 26/06/2020 23:01

She's your mum, talk to her. You don't have to play games.

Tell her that you want to spend time just with her and not be constantly distracted.

leafyskyline · 26/06/2020 23:21

Do you think it's possible that your DM likes the dynamic of the three of you as she has someone to do the donkey work involved with a 2yr old (you) but without your DSIS there she gets to 'play mum' to your DN?

Giganticshark · 26/06/2020 23:45

@lolasmiles why? Because I don't agree with the majority of posters? Funny girl

IHateCoronavirus · 27/06/2020 02:08

YADNBU it wasn’t what you had signed up for, you were looking forward to having a relaxing day off, you weren’t told of any last minute plans. I also think the way DM commented on her knowing you don’t like her, really manipulative.
I am sure you have a perfectly lovely relationship with DN but DM’s preoccupation with her has highlighted some uncomfortable and hurtful truths.

I would do have others have said and next time if she double books say “oh I didn’t realise you were already busy!” Smile and leave. Then go and do something lovely and relaxing yourself. She’ll soon understand.

LolaSmiles · 27/06/2020 07:52

Giganticshark
@lolasmiles why? Because I don't agree with the majority of posters? Funny girl
You know it has nothing to do with disagreeing.

The OP is frustrated that her time with her mum is routinely taken over by childcare for her niece and your responses have claimed that people on Mumsnet have an issue with grandparents spending time with their grandchildren (which anyone who read the thread would see isn't the issue) and been personal towards the OP.

That's not disagreeing. That's sitting behind a device on the attack/wind up.

Sindragosan · 27/06/2020 08:55

You need to talk to your sister first before you get painted as some child-hating monster. Explain that you like seeing your niece and don't mind helping your mum give her a break, but you'd like some time with just you and your mum occasionally. She may be able to help cut this off at the pass before it ends up with a major falling out all around.

Oblomov20 · 27/06/2020 08:59

I hate it when people do this. If you mum doesn't get it, I doubt telling her more strongly will sink in. I can only suggest that each time it happens, you just excuse yourself as quickly as you can.

firstimemamma · 27/06/2020 09:02

Yanbu (and I love spending time with my nieces!)

Your sister is taking the piss.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/06/2020 09:39

I understand being fond of your grandchildren, but I really don't get the whole urge to recreate 'being a mummy' that so many grandmothers have! What is behind it? Yes, I have grandchildren, I don't really see them that often because I've had my kids, still work full time with two jobs and don't really like small children that much!

Does your mum perhaps want to recreate a childhood for your niece that you and your sister didn't have? Hence taking her to places all the time? Somehow, it's a 'mummy do-over'?

I'd leave her to it. Arrange (when it's possible again) an adult only activity to see your mum and leave as soon as 'bringing the baby along' is mentioned. I'm sure your DSis does appreciate the childfree time, but this isn't just HER mother...

Laserbird16 · 27/06/2020 10:27

Do what @Latenightreader suggested. No care seat, no problem!

dottiedodah · 27/06/2020 11:02

Seem like you DM is a soft touch? Does she want to help out all the time or does your sister struggle to cope or just fancy a day off . Say to DM (when everything re opens obv)that you would like to out for a slap up lunch somewhere that doesnt cater for small children ! Does your DS work as well? Maybe she needs a day to catch up? Maybe see if an evening out may be better .After 4th July obv !

TheTeenageYears · 27/06/2020 12:19

I think your mum should be flattered that you want to spend time with her. There are a variety of relationships within families and the grown up you and your mum's relationship is just as important as her relationship with GC. It's still reasonably early days with DN only being two so maybe it's time to have a conversation with DM about how things have moved on since one DD had a child but the other hasn't. Your DSis will have a different relationship with DM now because of her daughter but that doesn't mean you should be expected to have the same relationship they have. Maybe DM needs it spelling out a bit more clearly that you love her, appreciate her as your mum and are at a time in your life where you would like to spend time with her as another adult. Honestly if she doesn't get the idea then you are going to be taking a backseat in her life until you have children yourself.

skodadoda · 27/06/2020 13:29

The one big frustration felt by the mothers of my grandchildren was that they couldn’t have an adult conversation when the children were little. Adult time was very much cherished.

SecretSpAD · 27/06/2020 15:07

My mother was the same. She didn't have much interest in my brother and I anyway, but when our elder sister had children they were all she was interested in, to the point where she refused to go to my brother's wedding because the baby (and my niece was under 2 at the time) wasn't asked to be a flower girl. My sister fully supported my brother and didn't even want to take a toddler to the wedding anyway.

Whenever she rung me (about once a month) all she'd talk about was my sister and the children. Didn't even bother to talk about my brothers children when they came along. In the end, when she was dying, my brother and I felt nothing but relief (there was also a long history of her mentally and physically abusing us as a back story).

Sometimes even within families people have different experiences of their parents. And it's true with grandchildren as well: my brother's three remember their Grandmother (they had to call her that) as cold, aloof and not interested in them; whilst my sister's children have fond memories of a nan who gave them cuddles and would take them on day trips.

I do wonder if the OP's children will have a similar experience to my brothers'.

I8toys · 27/06/2020 15:55

YANBU your sister is taking advantage and your mum needs to say no.

MummyMayo1988 · 27/06/2020 17:47

YANBU but I would kill for that kind of quality time with nieces and nefew. We live 50 miles away from all of them and dont get to see our families often - even before lockdown.

StoneofDestiny · 27/06/2020 18:01

Knock the days out with mum on the head for a while and see if she misses them - she should contact you if she does. Big message writ clear if she doesn’t.
You are the only one ‘suffering’ - sis gets a child free day and your mum gets a granddaughter day. You get to childmind!

bigmumsymcgraw · 27/06/2020 18:02

How annoying. My mum is the same. As one of 3 girls as soon as grandchildren (esp grandsons) came along it was all about them. I wont make same mistake as there is room for all relationships

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